Attitudes about sex vary from culture to culture and from religion to religion and from person to person even in the same family.
A woman turned to the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subReddit for feedback after running afoul of her sister's attitude about sex.
Acceptable-Mud-9349 asked:
"AITA for saying I won't pay for my sister's dinner because she called me contaminated?"
The original poster (OP) explained:
"I'll keep it brief. I (27, female) was at my parents' house and my mom and me were in the kitchen talking about our regular stuff. My sister (24, female) comes in during me talking to my mom about me and my husband trying to have a baby."
"My sister makes a face and says something along the lines of she wished she got to touch me more before I became 'contaminated' by my husband. I was taken aback hearing her say this and asked why does she think I am suddenly 'contaminated' when me and my husband are doing a very natural human action."
"I even said that I shower afterwards, too. She just made a disgusted sound and didn't really explain herself. She made another comment where she said she missed out from getting her touches in back when I was a virgin."
"I felt that was kinda mean to say because, to me, it sounded like I should be ashamed or something for no longer being a virgin. I said I didn't find her comment to be funny and considered it kinda rude."
"Then she laughed and said that I was being overly sensitive to her joke. I asked her to explain the joke, but she couldn't. Then I said that I don't wanna pay for her dinner anymore."
"For context, I had invited my parents and sister to dinner at an expensive restaurant where I intended on paying for everything because my mom rarely gets to go to nice restaurants. But I don't wanna spend $50+ for my sister's dinner after she said that I'm 'contaminated' by my husband."
"I said that she can still come along, but she can pay for her own meal."
The OP later added:
"To answer some questions I have seen repeated:"
"To my knowledge, my sister has not been diagnosed with anything."
"My family, me, and my husband are religious."
"My husband is a different race than me and my family. My sister hasn't overtly said anything racist in my presence, so I'm not sure if that's what her problem is."
"The 'touches' my sister was referring to was her hugging me and touching my arms, legs, or feet when we horsed around as kids."
"Yes, my sister still touches our parents even though they've obviously had sex at least twice.
"When my mom saw my reaction to being called contaminated, my mom tried to justify my sister's comments by saying it's like when a kid is grossed out by seeing people kissing."
"She has said very wild things about men, but she also wants to get married and have kids."
"She does invade everyone's space. She annoyed me and sometimes my parents because she refused to respect people's personal space. Makes me glad I moved out and now live with my husband."
"She would touch my arms, my legs, and sometimes my feet. I never liked it, but when I told her to stop, she'd just keep doing it. Glad I moved out cuz that was annoying."
Redditors weighed in by declaring:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA - You're The A**hole
- NAH - No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
- INFO - more information needed
Redditors decided the OP was not the a**hole (NTA).
"OP was just talking about wanting kids, sister made it very much about sex. it was very inappropriate."
"sex is not gross…but you don’t really discuss it openly like that with your parents."
"also, every single religion I know of will consider a woman having sex for procreation with her sanctioned husband (presumably OP got married to someone her family approves of and in their preferred ritual), the one time sex is not only ok, but encouraged and sanctified."
"so where did the sister get the idea that OP is contaminated?" ~ mrs_rabbit_0
"Wishes she got 'her touches in…'? That is far more disturbing than 'being contaminated'. Who talks like that?! It’s straight up creepy AF! Does she frequently invade your personal space? I would distance myself so fast!! NTA."
"I really, really feel like something is up with her. What that may be, I don’t know." ~ cherrycoke260
"NTA. This is extremely weird and inappropriate of her. You didn't do anything wrong. I wouldn't have paid for her dinner either after that." ~ glutenisnotmyfriend
"Just imagine if it was a brother and not a sister talking about how he wants to touch his sister and how she is contaminated by another man because they have had sex........ This thread would be VERY different."
"Sex shouldn't matter, OP's sister needs professional help." ~ Anarchyr
"NTA. Why is your sister so involved or worried about it to say anything at all?"
"Would kinda be the last thing I want to talk about with a sibling (aside from the standard 'Congrats-Let-Me-Know-When-Imma-Be-An-Aunty-Don’t-Need-Details-Love-Ya' way)." ~ LuxLo11
"NTA. This is extremely weird and inappropriate of her. You didn't do anything wrong. I wouldn't have paid for her dinner either after that." ~ glutenisnotmyfriend
"There are some seriously deep rooted issues with your sister…. If this isn’t some type of rage bait or she wasn’t joking."
"I really hope she can get some therapy and if not, I really really hope she does not get into a relationship because that is going to be really bad for the partner. I wonder if she’ll let her kids touch her." ~ mylittleweddingd
"It sounds like purity culture and religious baggage. Teaching women are only good for making babies, but don’t make him stumble by being a jezebel! /Then people rush into marriage, or have trouble enjoying sex when they are 'allowed to. Because you are taught for most of your life that sex is shameful and bad." ~ timesuck897
"Yes, married people are fine. But were you taught that pre-martial sex is dirty, unclean, sinful, etc... while growing up? Especially as a woman? Because that type of religious indoctrination can lead to unwed adult women in religious factions having confusing and conflicting views on sex, EVEN IF they're taught it's 'okay' once you're married."
"Being told sex is a sinful, dirty act for years and years throughout your upbringing warps your view on what it means to be sexually active. Then they expect you to immediately flip on a dime into being a sexual being with ease and grace as soon as you're wed. Some religious women can do this."
"Some struggle for the rest of their life with conflicting feelings about sex being 'dirty and unclean', and struggle with their sexuality and the sexuality of others as a result. She may harbor irrational feelings that you have been 'sullied', despite the fact that she knows you're married now, just because the idea of sex has been villainized to her by religious 'sexual purity' zealotry." ~ OnceABear
"I'm trying to figure out if she's so grossed out due to 'religious' reasons or for racist reasons."
"Religious is in quotations because there's a wide variety of reasons that relate in some way to religion that aren't necessarily based on just being religious."
"The contaminated part screamed racist."
"The virgin part screamed religion."
"The whole thing together made me think she's in some kind of cult with extreme beliefs on virginity." ~ duchess_of_fire
"NTA, and this sounds like some kind of weird phobia or psych disturbance. Like, has she ever had issues touching other people before? Does she hug your parents? Other married relatives?"
"Or, uh, is there something about your husband that she has some kind of weirdness about? Is he the same race/religion/whatever group description as the rest of your family?"
"Seriously, though, I'd be kind of worried about her mental health, if this is a new kind of thing." ~ capn_ginger
"Yeah NTA. Perhaps she meant it as a joke, or doesn't like your husband, who knows. What matters is that it hurt your feelings, and you have every right not to extend a kindness in response."
"She could apologize, make amends, and you could extend that kindness in reciprocation, but she copped out and just said it was a joke without taking any accountability for how it made you feel."
"Hold your ground and chin high, truly NTA." ~ FarReference2292
"NTA--you're not obligated to make a nice gesture for someone who's treating your poorly, but that sounds like something that's going to make a giant mess of your night out and turn a nice night into a fight. I wouldn't be surprised if there were some fallout on that decision." ~ Patient_Sea_3753
There's not much OP can do about her sister's attitude. Even abstinence is too late. The no sex ship sailed awhile ago.
