Being a caretaker for an ailing loved one is not easy.
It takes its toll on people physically, emotionally, and mentally.
Also, life doesn’t just stop just because one has to care for another person.
There are still bills to pay, kids to care for, and so on.
So, trying to maintain a peaceful existence is imperative.
Redditor AdventureJunki wanted to discuss her experience and get some feedback, so naturally, she came to the “Am I The A**hole” (AITA) subreddit.
She asked:
“AITA: I don’t want SIL to stay with us over Christmas with the new baby?”
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
“Background: So, as with many people out there, I have not had a great relationship with my sister in law (S[ister]-I[n]-L[aw]).”
“Since meeting her, we have butted heads over many issues, which have resulted in unpleasant family trips and holidays.”
“I feel she has been rude and disrespectful to me on many topics, most painful of which is the fact that my husband and I care for her mother (my M[other]-I[n]-L[aw]) full-time.”
“Their mother has early-onset Alzheimer’s, and we moved her to our city (despite her living near my SIL previously), to take care of her full-time.”
“She has lived in our house for the past 3 years, and we provide around-the-clock care for her advanced dementia.”
“My SIL has never offered assistance, financial or otherwise, for her own mother.”
“When we travel together, she doesn’t help care for her mother, and my husband and I end up doing it.”
“She continually questions her condition and tells us we should just stick her in a nursing home.”
“When she does visit or call, we get criticism and critiques of how we should be caring for my MIL better.”
“This is personally offensive to me, not only for someone telling me how to run my house, but that we have given her own mother a great life, and she should be offering help and gratitude, not telling us what to do differently when she shows up once or twice a year.”
“I truly don’t mind that we do 100% of the care for her mother, but I don’t want criticism for how we do it.”
“When a conflict with my SIL arises, my husband does not step in, mediate, or defend me from his sister’s attacks.”
“When my SIL visits my city to see her mother, my husband wants to let her stay in our house.”
“Last time I put my foot down and said no, because I was 5 months pregnant and my own mother was just diagnosed with terminal cancer, so I have been very overwhelmed. “
“She didn’t stay in our home, and that visit went ok.”
“Now SIL wants to visit for the upcoming holidays, and my husband wants to let her stay in our house.”
“I am still nervous about this, because if a conflict does arise, my husband won’t support me, and I will be uncomfortable in my own house.”
“I am currently 8 months pregnant, and the baby will be 6 weeks old during her visit over the holidays.”
“I am very nervous to agree to let someone I have had so much difficulty with stay in my house, especially when I will have a newborn baby, and am still going through absolute hell with my mother’s cancer situation.”
“Supporting my parents through this time has been devastating, on top of being pregnant and caring for my MIL.”
“I’m trying to be protective of my mental health and the well-being of my new family.”
“I am happy to spend time with her and try to improve our relationship over time.”
“She can take her mother out as much as she wants, meet our new baby, but I just don’t want her staying in our house in case an issue arises.”
“For what it’s worth, she has enough money to stay at a hotel, no problem.”
The OP was left to wonder:
“AITA for telling my husband my SIL can’t stay with us during the holidays?”
Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed in on some options to the question, AITA:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Many Redditors declared that OP was NOT the A**hole.
“NTA. Forgetting the rest of the lore of your story, you’re going to be still healing and have a newborn.”
“No one should be expected to play host with a 6-week-old baby.”
“You also have a husband problem.”
“When your life settles more and is less overwhelming, I urge you to explore your husband’s lack of support for you.”
“You’re doing so much for him; the least he can do is look out for you.” ~ DoraTheUrbanExplorer
“And tell him – sure she can stay when you tell her what her place in this house will be – quiet and grateful. NTA.” ~ UpbeatAd4822
“I swear I am totally exhausted reading this letter.”
“OP has enough on her plate for about 4 people.”
“NO, she shouldn’t be hosting her SIL.”
“But how is she supposed to be THE primary caregiver for a late-Alzheimer’s patient on top of having a newborn??”
“Plus, her own mother has terminal cancer?”
“Who is looking out for OP? Not okay.”
“Husband had better start doing literal back flips to help her.”
“And they need to hire nurses.”
“Good God. NTA.” ~ TipElectronic535
“Frankly, your SIL could be the best person in the world, and you would still NOT be the AH.”
“You will have just given birth, you are healing, you need rest.”
“Guests are not something a new mother should worry about. NTA.” ~ Available_Bag_6759
“NTA. Go back to the part where your husband won’t support you.”
“That’s the crux of the problem.”
“If he won’t defend you, keep you from having to deal with her mouth, or at the very least strongly agree with you when you reject what she’s saying… hoo boy, is that a red flag.”
“I haven’t had issues with my siblings vs. my wife, but if I ever did, it’d be one of the quickest decisions of my life.”
“I know it’s not what your post is about, but if you can afford it, you really should look at some homes.”
“I’ve worked in a dementia care unit.”
“It’s hard work, and I could separate it from my home life.” ~ BMal_Suj
“NTA, 6 week 6-week-old baby is the ultimate excuse-freebie.”
“It’s an overwhelming time, and you already have a lot going on.”
“Before this new baby comes, you have to have a conversation with your husband about him sticking up for you.”
“If he’s chronically non-confrontational, he needs to go to therapy or something.”
“Resentments like that just build.” ~ NWeasley21
“As an adult who can pay for a hotel room, I would never expect to stay in a house with a newborn unless I was invited by the mother or the primary caregiver.”
“Staying there would be way too intrusive.”
“I get being there during the day, if I could be of help with the care of the baby or MIL, but I would be relieved to be able to go back to the hotel.”
“I agree, the husband needs to set the boundaries with his sister.”
“If she nick picks the way you take care of her mother, I couldn’t imagine what she would say about how you are caring for your baby.” ~ Historical_Grab4685
“NTA, your husband needs to stand up for you.”
“You are doing so much for his mother, while dealing with your own illness, and having babies.”
“And he can’t tell his sister no for you?”
“Or to stop criticizing you? Oof.”
“I’d tell him HE has to tell her no.”
“He can help her find a hotel or something, or she can stay with another relative, but not at your house.”
“You have too much going on, especially with a new baby; you will not have the room, or mental bandwidth, for a house guest.”
“If he refuses and insists she stay, then I’d say ‘fine, but I won’t be here,’ and go stay with your parents or elsewhere, and he and his sister can care for his mom.”
“In fact, you should do that at some point anyway, give yourself a day off.” ~ Jerseygirl2468
“Let’s be honest: your husband isn’t doing anything extra at all to host his sister, is he?”
“The whole burden of the household rests on you?”
“And he wants to add to it when you just gave birth?”
“No. Just no.”
“If he has a problem with that, take your kids and stay elsewhere.”
“Let him look after everyone all alone.”
“It really is a Husband problem, not a SIL problem.”
“If he were a better person, she wouldn’t be a problem at all, as she would know her place. NTA.” ~ MistySky1999
“NTA. Except you’re going to need to get tougher.”
“SIL criticizes what you do for her mother?”
“Tell her to go away.”
“Husband wants to let her stay with you?”
“Tell him NO.”
“You really need to have that tough conversation with your husband.”
“Your health and your child’s health come first.” ~ phcampbell
“NTA. The only reason to stay at someone’s house if they have a newborn is if you’re there to help them.”
“She can stay somewhere else.”
“Your husband needs to prioritize you over his sister.” ~ jamkey2222
“NTA for all the reasons.”
“A newborn is enough to make her stay at a hotel.”
“You being postpartum by itself is enough to make her stay in a hotel.”
“Your husband’s refusal to stand up for his wife is enough to make her stay in a hotel.”
“Her treatment and attitude are enough to make her stay in a hotel.”
“Don’t let SIL bring you down.”
“It’s your house.”
“She has disrespected it by disrespecting you.”
“You don’t need that added stress in your own home while you are already caring for an elderly dementia patient.” ~ TheDarkHelmet1985
“This is one of those where everyone except OP (and the MIL in this case) comes off as Disney villains and I struggle to believe them.”
“But, I’ll play.”
“Of course, NTA, but with that description, there’s pretty much no other judgment you could or will get on here.” ~ ServelanDarrow
Reddit is with you, OP.
You are in a tough situation.
It’s time for your husband and SIL to step up.
Perhaps a sit-down with a third party would be a good idea.
You can discuss your feelings openly and honestly.
So sorry for all that is happening.
Congratulations on the baby.
Good Luck!