Taking care of one's parents can be a special passage of life.
Elderly parents may need assistance.
That is just the way it is.
It is also a full circle part of life.
But every adult child can only do so much.
Redditor BuntonioBunderas wanted to discuss their experience and get some feedback, so naturally, they came to the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subreddit.
They asked:
"AITA If I refuse to give my Mom money every month?"
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
"My mom wants all three of us, M[ale], F[emale], F, in our 30s to give her $300 a month each."
"She said this is for her retirement and that this is our duty."
"I would be fine with this if she had no income, but she has multiple properties she rents out that earn more than we do every month."
"All three of us don’t live at home and have children to take care of."
"My sisters are both stay-at-home moms."
"Their husbands will be the ones to pay this."
"Here is some of our conversation..."
"I asked if she gives her parents money every month, and she said no, but she has given money to them before."
"I told her we are all raising kids, paying rent, and the economy is terrible."
"Her response was, '$300 is not much.'"
"The average worker here earns $1000 a month."
"I told her I would never tax my kids like this while they’re trying to build their lives."
"She responds that it’s our duty as her children."
"To try and be non-biased, she did spend a lot of money sending us to private school."
"In return, I have a decent job that earns me more than the average."
"I feel like this is just pure greed."
The OP was left to wonder:
"Would I be the a**hole for refusing?
Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed in on some options to the question, AITA:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You're The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors declared that OP was NOT the A-hole.
"NTA. A $3600 a year tax just for her to be a part of your life?"
"Put it in a savings account and let her know that you will pay her funeral expenses with it." ~ rp55395
"NTA. HELL no."
"Her retirement is her own responsibility."
"All the money she spent on your CHILDHOOD was also her responsibility."
"Nope nope nope." ~ Flat-Replacement4828
"Exactly this, she chose to put you in private school, and while that may have benefitted you greatly, her responsibility to put you in school didn’t have to cost so much, but that was her choice."
"I would not be giving my mother money."
"I also agree... that if you really want to, put it into savings and let her know you’ll pay her funeral expenses." ~ tashiedgaf
"NTA. She chose to have children, and she made the choice to send you to private school."
"Similarly, you can’t give someone $100 for their birthday and then come back 10 years later saying it was a loan and you owe me that money + interest."
"Unless an agreement has been made beforehand, you cannot claim duty or responsibility for any kind of arrangement."
"She does not have the right to decide what your money should go to." ~ SeveralMarionberry42
"NTA. That $300 a month?"
"You should be putting that toward your own retirement, not hers!" ~ MakeYourPoint23
"100 percent this."
"She knows how money works, and she is doing fine."
"Now you should go make your money work for you (and keep in mind the phrase 'the magic of compound growth' every time you make a deposit to your savings or investment account)."
"You don’t owe your mother your future retirement." ~ flovarian
"Your mum isn't starving."
"She has rental income."
"That is her retirement."
"What she wants is a lavish retirement."
"You don't owe her a lavish retirement."
"You owe yourself a good life.
"NTA." ~ ambientfruit
"Your mom makes more than you?"
"Yeah, if she doesn’t need it, then I wouldn’t send it, not when you have kids."
"And her spending money to send you to private school has nothing to do with you owing her now."
"She did what she thought was best for her children."
"Note that I’m from the US."
"Other cultures are different."
"NTA." ~ BowTrek
"I stopped reading after the first paragraph."
"NTA. Your mother should have planned her own retirement."
"It’s not your duty to give her a dime unless YOU want to." ~ Competitive-Fox3556
"NTA. But be prepared for this to cause rifts in your family."
"Not just between you and your mom, but potentially between you and your siblings."
"How do they feel about this 'duty?''"
"Frankly, it sounds ridiculous on the face of it, but I don’t know if there are any cultural underpinnings to her request."
"That wouldn’t change my judgment, though—asking each of you for 30% of the average worker’s monthly income each, while also earning other passive income, smells of greed and a power play, to me." ~ Rayearth_XIII
"NTA, why on earth is her retirement your responsibility?"
"It is pure greed, and if she tries to hold that over you, then she’s putting money before a relationship with her children." ~ CommercialQueasy538
"NTA. You guys don’t live with her."
"It’s not your job to fund her retirement."
"She’s obviously not awful with money if she has multiple properties, so I’m just as confused as to why she asked for that."
"Let’s clear this one up- she chose to send you to private school."
"You were a child and had no say; you don’t owe her anything. Do you know what they call a doctor who graduated from public school? Doctor."
"Your school didn’t give you the drive to achieve vocational success; that was all you."
"Maybe it helped with networking, but you put in the work."
"I think this is a 'sibling talk' moment."
"Try to figure out what’s going on. Is this her passive-aggressive way of saying you guys don’t visit enough?"
"Is she in financial trouble you don’t know about?"
"When you guys decide what to say, talk to your mom as a group, in person."
"Check in with her."
"Be curious, not defensive."
"Stay calm and don’t engage in a back-and-forth."
"I’m so curious as to what her motive is behind this wild request." ~ Potential_Shoe1068
"Absolutely NTA."
"Your culture may be different than mine, but your mother sounds like a selfish person."
"You don't owe her for creating you."
"There is no reasonable explanation for you paying her monthly just because?"
"I'm guessing she doesn't get your kids anything for their birthday and insists you pay for shared meals." ~ MinimumDangerous9895
"NTA. She doesn’t need your money, and you do."
"How she chose to spend her money on your care when you were her dependent isn’t a factor here."
"You don’t owe her for how she raised you."
"You were a child; you’re not now responsible for her actions just because they benefited you."
"It doesn’t matter if you asked for the private school."
"You were a child."
"Children can’t be held accountable like that."
"You can be grateful and express gratitude, but financial recompense isn’t appropriate." ~ eweinthewilderness
"NTA. Honestly, I wish my mother would take money from me."
"She reads this subreddit too, so if she happens to see this, hi mom! I don’t care if you ever pay me back!"
" I make more than I need, and I know she could use it."
"She makes do, but still."
"But that’s not your circumstance."
"You have a mother demanding the funds from all children who make more than you."
"That’s ridiculous."
"I’d not want to be playing with that either."
"And honestly, even if not, you’d still not be the A; to be clear, it doesn’t matter why you want to say no, it’s your money, and you’ll never be the A for not wanting to give it anyone, for any reason at all." ~ joelene1892
"NTA, but I would maybe have an earnest conversation with your mother about why she needs this money?"
"She may have dug herself a hole she is struggling to get out of, and this is a ham-fisted way of asking for help." ~ haven700
"She makes more than you and thinks you need to give her money?"
"While you’re trying to raise your own families?"
"Absolutely NTA."
"I’m all for not letting your elderly parents starve, and for paying your share if you live with them, but it sounds like she wants to live the good life while straining her children’s budgets and possibly making her grandchildren do without extras." ~ tnscatterbrain
"NTA. She doesn't need the extra money from what you're saying."
"My parents don't earn anything and would never ask any of us for money."
"I do give it anyway, as I do reasonably well for myself, even when my mum said it wasn't necessary."
"Sending you to private school was her choice, not yours, and you don't 'owe' her for it."
"You haven't done well necessarily because you went either."
"I didn't go, and I've done pretty well." ~ Nice_Literature6157
"NTA. No is a full sentence."
"What is she going to do if you refuse?"
"If she’s got multiple properties, she has the means to fund her own retirement."
"As a mother, she should want to see you all be able to prosper instead of hurting you to benefit herself."
" Either way, it sounds really hard, and I'm sorry your mum is treating you like an investment portfolio."
"It’s shameful." ~ dohbriste
OP came back to chat...
"We are Asians, so it’s expected of us."
"The problem for me is we each have 2 parents plus 2 in-laws, and she’s the only one asking for it."
"Our father isn’t asking for anything, but he does have retirement."
"My mom does not."
"I couldn’t imagine if I had to send $300 each to 4 parents."
Reddit understands your feelings, OP.
$300 a month is a lot of money.
She is going to have to figure this out for herself.
Stay strong and good luck.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp