When one of our loved ones is in a relationship that isn't good for them, it can be really hard for us to keep our opinions to ourselves.
Fortunately, there are times when speaking up is actually a great favor to them, stressed the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITA) subReddit.
Redditor throwae_69 had mixed feelings after seeing her daughter's reactions to her concerns about her boyfriend.
But when she knew it would hurt her daughter's dreams otherwise, the Original Poster (OP) knew she had to speak up.
She asked the sub:
"AITA for telling my daughter she can't use her college money on her boyfriend, which caused her to break up with him?"
The OP's daughter recently got into an esteemed college.
"I know that the title paints me as the total AH, but please hear me out."
"My (47 female) daughter Sara (18 female) is a very smart girl. She has a 4.0 GPA, she's valedictorian of her class, and she's just gotten word from her dream college that she has received a full-ride scholarship."
"We have a college fund for her of about 250,000. When we found out about the scholarship, we agreed that we would still give her the money to pay for other things that she would need in college, such as housing, food, etc."
Sara's boyfriend had other plans in mind.
"Well, she came home yesterday kind of sad. I asked her what was the matter."
"She said that she was not going to go to college anymore. Apparently, her boyfriend Bryan (19 male) told her not to go anymore."
"Some background on Bryan, his family is VERY well off, and his parents have never issued discipline on this child. I mean, he is very rude and disrespectful."
"Although he seems sweet to my daughter when they are alone, she'll complain that whenever they're out with friends, Bryan is constantly putting her down and comparing her to Instagram models."
"Bryan is currently enrolled in college, but he has no set course for his future. He's just 'rolling with the cards,' as Sara says."
Bryan knew what he wanted for Sara, though.
"Some other background info is that my daughter is going to school for marine biology."
"Well, with what my daughter told me about their conversation, she was telling Bryan about her full-ride scholarship, and how excited she was to finally go to school for marine biology (he's never supported her dream of being a marine biologist and has always told her to go to college for a 'REAL' job) when he sat her down and told her to not go to college at all."
"He told her to wait for him here in our town, and don't worry about getting a job even, because his parents will support her, and that he didn't feel comfortable with her going to college out of state and so far away."
"He also said that it made him feel unmanly when she has a set course for her future which will give her a good life, while he has none."
The OP tried to give her daughter helpful feedback.
"After she told me what was going on, I didn't make a decision right away, but I knew that I wasn't going to just let my daughter throw away her future like this."
"She then asked me for her college fund so she could help support Bryan's dreams(?). so I took time to think, and I sat her down today."
"I told her that she can not have her college fund to spend on Bryan."
"She started freaking out asking why, and it was her money, and I asked her to listen. I asked her if she actually could see a serious future with Bryan in it."
"She said nothing the first time, and then started crying. I asked her again more gently this time, and she admitted no while still crying."
"I pleaded with her to please not throw away her future for someone with who she can't see herself having a life."
"She then nodded and went up to her room for some time to think."
"From what I've learned, she broke it off with Bryan and he has been calling non-stop, crying and begging to speak to her."
"I feel very guilty, and sort of like an AH. Am I?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You're the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some thought the boyfriend sounded controlling.
"Not only that, he was basically trying to tell her to retire. At 18. On her parent's dime, and his parent's supposed dime. While he goes out with any qualifications to bring in any outside money. No wonder he's crying and begging, he might actually have to consider supporting himself and his egregiously outdated mindset."
"Definite NTA. Your child dodged a bullet, and her future has quite likely been saved from unnecessary hardship by ending this doomed relationship." - RedditKentiar
"He told her to basically do nothing at all with her life because he was insecure she knew what she wanted to do in her life and he didn't."
"I don't think it's crazy to think he would ask for that money at least indirectly." - Medium-Ad6932
"It's more about financial control than taking her money and running. If OPs daughter maintains control of her money then she can just break up with him and go to college (which she did so wise decision on her part)."
"Whereas if her boyfriend had control of her money then he gets to control how/when she spends it, what she spends it on etc, which would have furthered his goal of making her completely dependent on him."
"OP NTA, you saved your daughter from a relationship that would have been a nightmare for her to get out of in the long run." - danigirl3694
"You saved your daughter from what was clearly an incredibly abusive relationship. Your daughter is a high school student who was having her self-esteem chipped away and her aspirations manipulated by her college student boyfriend."
"Who clearly was trying to use your daughter to get an easy 250,000 to spend on whatever before he dumped her."
"And you're on here wondering if you're an AH, because he's doing what abusers do - crying, trying to manipulate your emotions so you'll let your daughter give him her college fund."
"Respectfully, you need to get a grip and get it together. Your daughter needs you. You need to report this guy to the police for harassing your house."
"Maybe send him a formal cease and desist letter to scare him away. Then block his number from being able to call your house, you, or your daughter."
"And then both you and your daughter could benefit from reading Bancroft's book, 'Why Does He Do It,' so you can be more knowledgeable and better prepared for the emotional manipulation tactics of abusers and how to spot them."
"NTA but come on. Questioning yourself because you're putting the feelings of a random abusive boy over your daughter isn't right. You've got this mama bear." - excel_pager_03
Others agreed and said the OP did the right thing.
"That's honestly the roughest part about that age, when you fall you fall hard and at that point that's the hardest pain you think you're going to experience in your life."
"Years later, you'll look back and cringe about it but right then it hurts like a b***h and a good parent tries to comfort their kids."
"I pray I'll be the kind of parent that understands that just because we know they'll get through it doesn't mean the journey's not hard." - 3milyBlazze
"'Stay here and wait for me broke. When we get married I'll give you a money allowance but not allow you to do anything.'"
"Control. Control. Control. Good on the mom for picking this up and helping her daughter realize she deserves a bright and healthy future. Without the deadweight." - muddhoney
"You said, 'I know that the title paints me as the total AH, but please hear me out.'"
"No, no it does not. It paints you as a responsible parent, and the first thing I thought was 'absolutely not.'"
"But then, I read about halfway into your post, and I realized that I was right. You're absolutely NTA."
"The truth of the matter is that Bryan is toxic and abusive. She absolutely loves him, but he clearly doesn't love her, because he's willing to wreck her future in order to feel in control."
"You did the right thing. You're a wonderful parent. At the end of the day, most men will come and go in her life, but you'll always be there." - SpookyArmadillo
"That was the most disturbing part of this post, he didn't need her money, it's that he didn't want her to have it. He basically wanted her to stay in her hometown and depend on him and his parents for the rest of her life."
"OP managed to get her daughter to see that she was about to throw her future away. She'll be thanking her mother every day in the future, especially when she reads stories about Bryan's f**ked up life."
"Wow OP, you just saved your daughter. Best of luck to her marine biology studies, that's a great subject, as are all fields of science." - yesboss2000
A few also suggested therapy for the daughter.
"The daughter is still in danger!"
"He's going to persist until he gets control over the daughter again."
"OP, consult domestic abuse specialists, get your daughter help. She's been deeply manipulated and will need support to get control of her laugh back. She will feel a lot of shame and grief, loss, longing. Get help for all of you. Good luck." - No_Performance8733
"She's vulnerable if she can't recognize the signs of love bombing, gaslighting, blame-shifting, and economic abuse, and could be manipulated again; by this guy, or someone else. Definitely seek some professional support."
"You did good, Mama. NTA" - UnicornBoned
"This young girl sounds like me in my early 20s. I was abused for 1.5 years. Kept trying to get out but kept getting roped back in. I was so ashamed."
"OP, Your daughter is going to need a lot of support during this time. Whatever she's told you, it's so much worse than that. She will be ashamed about what she's let herself go through and will want to hide it."
"Having domestic abuse specialist to help her process/retrain her brain all is essential to her healing." - sydneyannebristow
While it was likely hard to see her daughter going through a breakup, the subReddit insisted the OP had done the right thing by speaking up for her daughter, and her daughter's future.
Expecting someone to give up their dreams in favor of someone else's is selfish and surely wouldn't lead them anywhere happy.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp