When deciding to get married, you are deciding to commit to one person for the rest of your life.
That doesn't necessarily mean, however, that you need to spend every waking moment with them.
Indeed, many would agree that the healthy thing to do would be to continue having a social life separate from your spouse.
While others take the term "my one and only" a little too seriously.
Redditor Weddin_Secretary5876 wanted to have a girls' night with one of her closest friends.
Unfortunately, a night out with this particular friend was always a packaged deal with her husband.
Eventually leading the original poster (OP) to give her friend an ultimatum of sorts.
Wondering if she was wrong for doing so, the OP took to the subReddit "Am I The A**hole Here" (AITAH).
Unlike the similar "Am I The A**Hole" (AITA) subReddit, AITAH allows Redditors to ask for advice on issues that are not permitted on AITA, such as asking for advice or posting about ending relationships. Nor are voting acronyms required or a final judgment declared.
The OP asked fellow Redditors:
"AITAH for canceling plans with my friend because she has to wait for her husbands permission?"
The OP explained how a movie night with a friend proved more complicated than it was worth:
"I 30 F[emale] was talking to my friend 31 F about a movie that came out that seems really good."
"I suggested we go see it as we haven’t gotten together in ages."
"Primarily because of this exact issue."
"Anytime she goes out it has to be with her husband."
"Her husband 42 M[ale] I wouldn’t say is controlling but rather she doesn’t like to leave him unattended."
"She is paranoid he will cheat one her (as he’s done so in the past) so she never lets him out of her sight."
"Same job, same work schedule, together always."
"He’s a decent guy to hang out with I suppose but the fact that we can’t hang out just the two of us anymore because he would go see his mistress when we used to just irritates me."
"So that being said when I offered we go see this movie she said she’d have to see if her husband wanted to go as well. It’s a chick flick so I don’t know if it’d interest him. It’s one day before we planned to go as it works with both our schedules."
"When I asked her again today if we were good to go she said he still hasn’t let her know if he wants to go."
"I’m ready to just cancel it and go alone or with someone else."
"I don’t like hangouts being determined on if someone’s significant other wants to go."
"When I told her this she got upset and said i have something against her husband and I should put more effort into finding something we can all do that he would enjoy."
"I told her I’m seeing the movie regardless and inviting her was more of an invitation that I’m not changing because it’s not something her husband wants when he wasn’t invited in the first place."
"AITAH for canceling plans with my friend because she has to wait for her husbands permission?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in, with some using the voting acronyms:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You're The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
The Reddit community was in agreement that the OP had every right to go to the movie with or without her friend, or her friend's husband.
Everyone agreed that if the OP's friend trusted her husband so little that she had to keep an eye on him at all times, then she probably should not be married to him:
"You are not remotely the AH."
"This is just so pathetic."- Cute-Asparagus-305
"NTA."
"It’s unreasonable to have her husband attend everything because he can’t keep his d*ck in his pants."
"If your friend won’t leave him, she needs to accept she won’t get the social opportunities she otherwise would if she were in a functional relationship."- Living-Ear8015
"NTA, she needs to get her sh*t sorted out."- peakpenguins
"NTA."
"Can't she chain him up in the basement or something?"- el_grande_ricardo
“'I’m not interested in whether your husband can come or not. I wanted to spend time with you. Never mind.”- FormSuccessful1122
"I have news for this friend. Just because he arrives home on the same schedule doesn't mean he's not cheating."
"It just means he's changed his prospects to include people in his proximity during his normal routine."
"NTA."- vampireRN1617
"NTA at all, you wanna her HER friend, not his."
"'I actually do have something against your husband, he's an untrustworthy cheater, and the fact that you kept him but don't trust him THIS MUCH is messing up our friendship'." - Dry_Cauliflower4562
"NTA."
"That is so sad."
"Why is she staying with him if she can't trust him?"
"It sounds like a miserable way to live."
"She is choosing a cheating husband over her friendships."- 1RainbowUnicorn
"NTA."
"Your friend needs to dump her cheater husband."- NYCStoryteller
"NTA.'
"Honestly, I would probably let go of the friendship."
"Your friend needs help to raise her self-esteem enough to leave that relationship."
"It’s incredibly toxic that she can’t spend time with you."
"It’s also disrespectful to you that she will only see you with her husband."
"Her agreeing to plans shouldn’t be contingent on his wanting to see the movie or not."
"I couldn’t be friends with someone who chooses to live their life like that."- l3ex_G
"NTA."
"I love that she said that you have something against her husband."
"Yes - not being able to keep it in his pants and repeatedly cheating on your friend."- Ok_Quarter_6648
"There is a reason this man chose a woman so much younger."
"He hoped he could get away with sh--."
"Why does she even want to stay with an AH like this?"
"Time to move on from this friendship for a bit."
"She'll be single again soon enough, and hopefully you'll be able to hangout again."- Green_Poet_5510
"Stop asking her to go places."
"NTA."- shammy_dammy
"You don't have anything against her husband."
"SHE does."
"She's not asking permission; she's making sure he has no alone time or privacy because he will cheat, which proves he is not a good person."
"She can choose to be with him, but that is her choice, not yours or your responsibility to come up with husband-friendly things to do in order to spend time with your friend."
"It won't be long before her insecurities leave her without any friends."- RandomCoffeeThoughts
"NTA."
"That marriage is ridiculous."- Trailsya
"NTA."
"That scenario would sour me on the whole darn friendship."
"And she should put more effort into finding a partner that she actually trusts enough not to cheat on her again."- Interesting_Fly5154
"Yikes, NTA."
"If you're ok with husband tagging along for certain things, fine."
"It's ok to also sometimes invite your friend when the invitation does not include spouses or anyone extra."
"And if she won't attend those, she won't."
"You don't have to change your plans to accommodate him when he isn't the one you invited, and you don't have to wait for an answer before you invite someone else or do something different."
"But this does sound like a controlling relationship, even if the control is flowing both ways or from her to him - it doesn't sound healthy regardless."
"If you can, keep extending the invitations to your friend, even if you don't want to always include him and even if she says no more times than not."
"People in unhealthy relationships often get isolated from all their former friends and loved ones, and that can make it harder to get out of it."- SummitJunkie7
"NTA."
"Go alone (nothing wrong with that, I go alone often) or invite another friend if you have that option."- MrsNoOne1827
"NTA."
"If you cannot trust someone to be alone for two hours or 2.5 hours to see a film and have a coffee, then that is no type of love, and no type of life."
"Pity your friend, but don't plan anything else with her."- Huge-Shallot5297
"Dude, that sounds like a nightmare relationship."
"NTA!"- Mandyvlp
"I often wonder what keeps women in a relationship like this:"
"Where you can’t even go to a movie or the grocery store without him running off to some other woman."
"Isn’t that a pretty good indication that the relationship isn’t working?"
"I feel very sad for your friend, and fully understand your frustration."
"It sounds like she’s gonna ride this bus until all the wheels fall off and the engine dies."
"Nothing you can do now but be supportive of her when she decides to leave."- Duckeee47
It's not terribly unusual for someone to never want to leave their spouse's side.
What is less common, not to mention much less touching, is for someone to do so owing to a complete and utter lack of trust.
If the OP's friend truly does trust her husband so little, it's rather hard to understand why she wants to spend any time with him at all.
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