We love our partners no matter their flaws.
Or at least what we consider our flaws.
Even so, many people wish they could change just one, tiny thing about their partner.
Possibly without their partner even realizing it.
The husband of Redditor jingks_ had developed a habit that drove her absolutely crazy.
Even going so far as to give her husband an ultimatum that more or less fell on deaf ears.
When the original poster (OP)'s husband went away on a trip, the OP considered possibly taking care of this problem behind his back.
Wondering if it would be wrong to do so, the OP took to the subReddit "Am I The A**Hole" (WIBTA), where she asked fellow Redditors:
"WIBTA if I get rid of a bunch of my husband’s stuff?"
The OP explained what they considered plotting behind her husband's back:
My (41 F[emale]) husband (50 M[ale]) is a collector with ADHD and as such has amassed a ton of junk that’s taking up space in our basement."
"It’s not hoarder-status — we’re not talking stuff up to the ceiling and little paths in between the piles."
"But we have a 1000sq ft furnished basement and his stuff takes up about half of that space, which I’d like to use as a gym/rec room."
"I love my husband dearly but this situation has been pissing me off for months."
"Last year I gave him an ultimatum: either that stuff gets seriously reduced within 6 months, or I remove it myself."
"He got really defensive, said I would be throwing away history, said that wasn’t enough time to go through everything."
"That was months ago and basically nothing has changed."
"He’ll be gone this weekend and I’ve already started creating piles of stuff to donate or take to the dump while he’s out."
"In this collection: several big Tupperware bins full of VCRs and DVDs, two old broken bikes that he’s never used or tried to fix, old stereo equipment from the 90s that’s probably broken, a Tupperware bin full of old work uniforms, some snowboarding equipment (he hasn’t snowboarded in ~25 years), etc. I strongly suspect that he won’t even notice it’s gone."
"To be clear, this is after months of nagging him."
"I’m frustrated because we just bought this house and it’s as much my space as it is his, but his stuff is overwhelming the basement."
"I’d like a little home gym, a place for our son to hang out with his friends when he gets older, and maybe a guest bed area as well."
"But right now I go down and just feel overridden with anxiety."
"I set my limit last year and it got ignored so I feel like if anything is going to change, I’ll have to do it myself."
"If he does notice, he’ll probably be really upset and claim I threw away memories."
"He gets very nostalgic about his stuff (when he actually acknowledges it), so I could see him being angry or resentful of me."
"And I’d feel bad if he’s legitimately bummed out and missing his things."
"So I’m a bit torn. WIBTA?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in on where they believed the OP fell in this particular situation, by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You're The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Her
Everyone agreed that getting rid of her husband's belongings was not going to end well for the OP, and if she wanted her husband to cut down on his collecting, they needed to work on that together:
"YTA."
"Throwing away his belongings while he’s gone isn’t right."
"This needs to be handled together."- DearKarley
"YTA."
"I would divorce you."
"Thank god a love like this never found me."
"Just one more item, you say it takes up half the basement, so you can use the other half for your gym."
"That space is both of yours."
'You do not get to be like oh I am throwing out my partner's belongings because I want a gym."- stickbugszz
"yes YTA."- artificialdisasters
"YTA."
"It's not just your home, so you're not the boss of a child who isn't listening to your requirements."
"Why doesn't he get some space in his own house to keep stuff that matters to him?"
"Even dumb stuff."
"My wife has too many clothes."
"She takes up well more than half the closet."
"But I don't get to demand she get rid of them or toss them out myself because I don't like it."
"I'm here partner, not her parent."- JurassicParkFood
"YTA."
"As someone with adhd and a partner with adhd I can tell you 1 conversation with a deadline in the far future is not going to result in the outcome you would like it to."
"It sounds like you resent fundamentally who he is as a person."- Gonnagremlin
There were a few, however, who did sympathize with the OP dealing with her husband's collecting habit, though not enough to justify her getting rid of his things without telling him:
"ESH."
"Him for not making any effort to open up some space and you for planning to get rid of everything explicitly behind his back."
"Listen, I get it."
"My partner is similar, but if you just throw everything out, you're going to severely damage the trust between you."
"The reality is you have no idea what's actually junk and what has genuine emotions attached to it."
"Instead of 'you get rid of all this or I will', focus on the actual issue."
"You need space for your hobbies."
"Tell him when he comes back you guys need to work on how to make that happen together, whether that's donating things or investing in storage solutions."
"This needs to be an actual discussion, not just'do this or else'."- MsKrueger
The OP later returned with an update, sharing what she ultimately decided to do regarding her husband's belongings:
"Okay, I get the message, I will be a huge a-hole if I dump his stuff without going through that process with him."
"Understood."
"I will take him downstairs myself and try to make him go through piles with me every night until some of it has been cleared."
"I do want to share some additional context for everyone who’s coming at me with a pitchfork and saying he should divorce me:"
"1.) We actually BOTH have ADHD."
"I’ve had my diagnosis longer than he has."
"I see a therapist and take medication, and I’ve worked really hard to understand it."
"I watch videos and look at online resources for managing it (shoutout to HowToADHD for helpful tips)."
"He has not done anything at this point to manage it.
"2.) We have had MANY conversations about his stuff."
"This is not like I woke up one day and decided to go scorched-earth on his belongings."
"We’ve been married 10 years and he’s known how much excessive junk bothers me, but he’s taken no steps to clear it."
"The ultimatum was given after tons of gentle, understanding conversations."
"3.) He has his own office and our 2 car garage is mostly his space as well (currently occupied by one of his two project cars, while my car is parked outside)."
'I am not trying to remove any trace of him from the home or make him discard all his hobbies."
"I don’t really care what he does with his office and garage as long as it’s mostly under control, but he has 500 sq ft of stuff in the basement that he hasn’t touched or gone through in years, and I’d like to reclaim that space so it can be a communal area in our home."
"4.) Lastly, believe it or not, I love my husband."
"He is my favorite person in the world."
"We have a very happy marriage."
"The issue with his stuff is not the only element in our lives together."
"But that doesn’t mean this isn’t a problem."
"I’m not okay with 100% of his behavior, and I’m entitled to my own feelings about it when it encroaches on my happiness — he’s entitled to the same, and I know he’s not always happy with me either (and, as y’all have mentioned, wouldn’t be if I took his stuff to a dump while he was gone)."
"But I do understand from the rather strong reaction to this post: his resistance to change means we just have to keep problem-solving."
It would have only been a good idea for the OP to get rid of her husband's things if she wanted to end her marriage.
As one doubts her husband would have trusted her enough to stay married to her.
Thankfully, she came to her senses, and hopefully she and her husband will be able to solve this problem together.
