A lot of people love to be gift givers.
Giving gifts can be a very fulfilling action.
But some people seem to want to retain ownership over the gifts they give.
Once a person gives a gift... Its ownership changes. Right?
Not everyone thinks so.
Redditor Pluriphery wanted to discuss her experience and get some feedback, so naturally, she came to the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subreddit.
She asked:
"AITA for telling my sister not to buy things for my daughter if there are strings attached?"
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
"I (35 F[emale]) got into an argument with my sister (33 F) over a donated pool toy that she had bought for my daughter years ago when she was little."
"She texted me asking if I still had it, and I told her I had donated it because my daughter outgrew it a long time ago."
"She then told me that she thought she had previously asked me to save anything she bought for my daughter instead of donating it, and that moving forward, she wanted me to ask her before getting rid of anything she purchased."
"The issue is that I genuinely only remembered her specifically saying that once about a particular item, not every single thing she’s ever bought, my child."
"The conversation escalated because she started bringing up how much she’s bought for my daughter over the years and how frustrating it is when things she bought get donated or given away."
"To me, that immediately felt like gifts and help were being turned into emotional leverage."
"For context, I grew up hearing a lot of 'after all we’ve done for you' and 'after all the money we’ve spent on you' from my parents, so this hit a huge nerve for me."
"I am very sensitive to the idea of gifts or support becoming something that can later be held over someone’s head."
"I told her that if gifts come with conditions, expectations, or future obligations attached, then I’d rather she not buy things for my daughter at all."
"I also told her my child is not going to grow up feeling indebted to people because they chose to buy her things."
"She thinks I completely blew this out of proportion and became defensive over a simple request."
"From her perspective, she was just asking for sentimental or reusable items to be set aside instead of donated."
"From my perspective, if you give a child something, especially clothes, toys, or baby items, the parent manages those items."
"Kids outgrow things constantly."
"I can’t read minds or know which items someone secretly expects returned years later unless they directly tell me."
"Now I feel awful because the conversation got heated, but I still stand by the principle behind what I said."
The OP was left to wonder:
"AITA?"
Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed in on some options to the question, AITA:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You're The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
- INFO - More Information Needed
Many Redditors declared that OP was NOT the A**hole.
"She wants op to save EVERY single thing she gives her daughter so she can have it back?"
"Like no one wants you to give someone a gift, it’s theirs to do with as they wish."
"Especially a child, like is she expecting things back in perfect shape? "
"Is OP's daughter's gift from her aunt like a library where it’s not really her stuff?"
"How is OP supposed to save EVERY single item she gives OP's kid and gets upset when they dont?"
"Like, I don’t blame OP at all, these don’t sound like gifts at all if they were supposed to be given back."
"Oh, NTA."
"I get letting someone borrow something, but once it’s a gift given, they can burn it if they want to, like how tacky to demand for a gift back." ~ JenicBabeyeah, that's all weird.
"Like I kind of had to deal with that a bit with my oldest son."
"There are things that are given to him, and there are things that are free for him to use."
"We have a younger son who also gets hand-me-down stuff from time to time."
"With my oldest, he didn't really attach any value to things that were given to him, and that has led to issues."
"In our house, we like to do what we call the shuffle, from time to time."
"My wife might get a new phone, so then her previous phone would get passed down to the kids."
"My oldest had a terrible habit of breaking things, and we wouldn't always know why or how."
"At some point, we caught him throwing his phone into the ceiling fan."
"We never really figured out why."
"He also had PC hardware fail on him, and at a certain point I decided to nip it in the bud by making him pay for replacement stuff."
"Lo and behold, his stuff suddenly stopped getting broken."
"At some point, I upgraded his graphics card with a better one I had lying around."
"I had to make it clear he wasn't being given the card to have, just to use."
"I jumped his a** over it when I caught him trying to sell it to someone else."
"But the thing we stressed is if something is given, it's their's to do with, whatever they see fit."
"But if it's being given to us, it's expected back when they no longer need it."
"Most stuff given to them is being given, with no expectations of returning it."
"OP's sister sounds a bit off." ~ The_Grungeican
"NTA. Kids outgrow toys."
"They outgrow clothes."
"Things break."
"You can't be expected to save everything."
"Nor is it reasonable for you to remember everything she gifted and return it to her."
"Once you receive a gift, it is yours to do with what you want." ~ Wild_Ticket1413
"NTA. I buy lots of things, gladly, for my little nephew, and it's never once even crossed my mind where the things I got him as an infant are now that he's almost 3."
"I don't know what happened to the clothes or toys I got him, or the bike that he will surely soon outgrow."
"I hope those things now belong to my S[ister]-I[n]-L[aw]'s friends or other kids who can use them instead of collecting dust, but it's none of my business, regardless, and I sure as heck don't need them."
"If there is a very sentimental gift, I can understand it."
"If sister got him a toy that was hers when she was a child, sure, it makes sense to want to check in and see if she wants it back before donating."
"But we are talking about a kiddie pool here."
"I don't think this was a discussion worth getting heated over, but it sounds like her words triggered something from childhood."
"It could be worth apologizing if harsh things were said, but still stand by how you feel that gifts should not come with expectations that you will give them back to her someday."
"I agree that I would rather not have gifts than be indebted to someone." ~ ItsPeppercorn
"NTA. A pool toy is just a pool toy. It’s not a precious or sentimental item."
"Your sister sounds very controlling."
"Keeping track of things she gives you just to let her decide what eventually happens to them is bananas."
"What is she going to expect when your daughter is older?"
"That your daughter gives up her control over her own belongings?"
"If she can’t accept that once a gift is given, it’s yours, then no gifts moving forward sounds the best." ~ Total_Poet_5033
"NTA, I had a friend pull this crap after I’d already accepted a ton of things for my son."
"Stressed me out so badly that I gave everything back immediately and told her not to give me anything else."
"She thought I was overreacting because she just didn’t want anything bc thrown away."
"It’s too stressful."
"Babies are messy, and I didn’t want to panic over every item." ~ Numerous-Avocado-786
"NTA. A gift transfers ownership."
"The owner of an item can use it, throw it away, or light it on fire. She’s not loaning things to you/your child."
"Your home is not her storage unit for things she may want in the future."
"Your sister is manipulating you." ~ ikonet
"NTA. Wait until your sister learns that lots of women keep a spot in their home with gifts to regift because they didn’t want to be rude and turn them down."
"Once you give a gift, it is no longer up to you what the person you gave the gift to does with it."
"If she wants strings attached to every gift, she needs to stop giving gifts!"
"Tell her cash or gift cards to be spent on you, or your daughter when she is older, is the only thing she is allowed to get your daughter until she understands what giving a gift means." ~ ElevatorOtis
"Man, my aunt used to pull this BS on my mom."
"It's so weird and hurtful."
"My aunt would literally take toys back as soon as she thought I 'outgrew' them. NTA." ~ abasaur
"NTA, you aren’t renting things from your sister."
"You aren’t a storage space for your sister to save things she might want for future kids."
"Once you get a gift, it’s yours to do with as you please." ~ Jhudson1525
"NTA. Children accumulate so much stuff; imagine what a nightmare it would be if everyone asked you to do this."
"I would probably be petty, though, and start dropping off all my donation boxes at her house for her to sort through." ~ amelrake
"NTA. It's gonna get awfully tedious trying to keep track of what needs to be returned to your sister."
"I could see particularly expensive or special items, but not everything." ~ yeahipostedthat
Reddit is with you, OP.
Your sister is out of line.
You thought these were forever gifts... not free rentals.
Don't let it make you crazy.
