Stay-at-home parents have a lot on their plates. But does their work status mean everything around the house is their responsibility?
A stay-at-home mom turned to the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subReddit for feedback about domestic responsibilities in a home they share with their husband, their child, and his parents.
Powerful-Anybody3037 asked:
"AITA for refusing to clear the clogged toilet AGAIN?"
The original poster (OP) explained:
"So for context I (26, female) am a stay-at-home mom (SAHM) and living with my in-laws. There is one toilet in the house. The toilet has been not flushing correctly for months. As a remedy I pour a bucket of water down and it clears."
"For the last week now, the toilet has been clogged every evening by SOMEONE else (2 suspects) who just don’t have the decency to clear the toilet."
"Me (being a dumba** or maybe too grossed out to let the sh*t brew) have cleared it every morning with a plunger, even one of those toilet snakes, scooped the evidence out with a gloved hand, and have managed to keep it clear the whole day until everyone else gets home then BOOM, back to sh*t soup."
"It's really not that difficult to clear the toilet unless there’s an unnecessary amount of toilet paper in it, so I don’t understand why no one else is doing it, especially if it’s their own creation. I have told my partner I flat out refuse to clear it again in the morning after everyone else has made a mountain of toilet paper."
"He says it’s only sh*t, but is this what life has come to? Also, as I am a SAHM I don’t have any of my own income, but I did manage to pay a plumber last week to fix the shower because in my eyes that’s a NECESSITY, while everyone else was just free-stinking for the week."
"I washed using a bucket of water or took a trip to a family member's house for a good scrub. I’m starting to put money aside in the hopes of getting the toilet or drain fixed."
"Am I the a**hole for refusing to clear the shit?"
The OP later added:
"It was his idea for me to be home with the kids, and given the state of the country we live in at the minute, there is a housing crisis, trust me we aren’t the only ones around living with family, in fact only one person in his friend group lives out of home and their tenancy is rocky—situation could end at any given time."
"Add a child to that and it’s a scary situation. There is a childcare crisis too, meaning there’s not enough spaces in day care and the spaces that they do have are pricey."
"I left my job due to having children and after the first year of applying for part time jobs, we weighed it out and it was not worth me being out of the house and having to pay for someone else to look after them- by the end of the bills etc... I would have 50 left over and if you live where I live that’s like half a food shopping trip."
"People in our lives have given the suggestion that I go back to work, let MIL quit her job to mind the kids, but I’d rather not. I see through her bull, and that’s not someone I want my children to be influenced by on an all-day, every-day basis."
"I do a lot at home and with my children, both inside and outside the house, bring them out to fun days when funds allow. I do little jobs when someone asks if I’m available, babysitting, cleaning for others, etc., but my MIL will always deny how much I do, and yeah, I get that it’s not a real tax-paying job, but I’ve dug us out of some bad financial holes at times."
"Don’t get me wrong, I have huge appreciation for them having us under their roof, but is the price to be paid worth it? We pay rent too, so it’s not like we’re freeloading; household supplies are always topped up, and if I say so myself, the house is in immaculate condition when everyone gets home. But constantly clearing someone’s personal bathroom mess just feels like a joke."
"I don’t want sympathy, just clarity of thinking because after a week with my head in the toilet, I feel insane."
Redditors weighed in by declaring:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA - You're The A**hole
- NAH - No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
- INFO - more information needed
Redditors decided the OP was not the a**hole (NTA).
"If 'it's just sh*t' why doesn't he clean it? NTA."
"With kids in the house, working plumbing is kind of a necessity. This is unsafe for them. And the fact that no one else cares means they are unsafe also."
"You are NTA, but you gotta get out." ~ Sarissa32
"Why doesn't your partner pay for a plumber to come?" ~ sandiercy
"This is the real question. Why is she the only one paying for repairs when she has no income?" ~ mossy_coppergate19
"Because partner thinks it is fine for OP to keep cleaning it out. Partner said 'it’s just sh*t.' Let the partner clean it each time now."
"No way in hell would I keep unclogging and scooping out someone else’s sh*t! Gross!"
"If it keeps clogging, either someone has problems that need addressed or a plumber needs to come in. What is going on is disgusting."
"OP, can you just stay with a family member until the toilet situation is fixed?" ~ Corgi_Cats_Coffee
"And/or the in-laws‽ No way in hell I'd keep unplugging someone else's sh*tty toilet, noooooo way...she's done more than I would have!" ~ SarcsmQn5
"OP is a SAHM who can't actually afford to stay at home. Because she's in someone else's home."
"I don't think insisting the in-laws go out of pocket is going to go over well." ~ Constant_Click_3193
"Husband's comment seemed particularly demeaning to me, as if that's her job since she's home all day. OP how are they treating you about being a SAHM? Do you get frequent derogatiry comments? Is this a wake up call, telling you to get out now?" ~ franklinchica22
"I’m genuinely confused. Her partner lives there too, uses the toilet and makes money, so why isn't he calling a plumber? Why is she scooping sh*t with her hands while everyone else just ignores it?" ~ little_raincrest43
"My first thought was to hubby saying 'it's just shit'... Ya, but it's not my sh*t, so that sh*t is somebody else's problem! My first thought with righteous indignation was why is OP having to scrimp and save for something that should go on hubby's Visa! Let the sh*t stew as it were and tell everyone you clog it, you snake it, then leave it!" ~ Fun_Battle_5195
"You may want to rethink your role as a SAHM. Your husband and his family are happy to live in disrepair and disarray. Do you really want to raise your children to think that is okay?"
"If no one else is going to do it, and children are going to be affected by not handling it, I still don’t actually think it's your problem, but those kids deserve better."
"And you’re clearly the only one who sees that and is willing to do something about it. Why can’t your husband, or in-laws pay to fix the toilet? That’s f*cked." ~ LadyHorseFace13
"Agree. If your family cannot afford a working toilet, this living arrangement is not working." ~ LintRolledForWhat
"The part about the kids really hit me. They’re growing up watching her do all the gross, difficult work while everyone else watches. That’s the dynamic they’ll normalize." ~ mossy_coppergate19
"Fecal matter is the most viable way, medically speaking, to spread germs. Fecal particles can spread to toothbrushes and cups, creating a fecal-oral transmission."
"I would put sanitizer in a huge bottle near the toilet, kind of dropping a hint to use it as much as possible. These people sound like a medical nightmare."
"You didn't say how young your child is. Kids love to put their hands on everything, then put their hands in their mouths. Just sayin'." ~ TabulaRasa5678
"She’s the only adult in that house acting like an adult. The rest of them are living in filth and letting her handle it, which is a much bigger problem than one clogged toilet." ~ little_raincrest43
"Clearly, you're the general house servant. This isn't okay. Your husband isn't doing his share nor protecting you. Plan your escape." ~ curious382
OP provided an update:
"This thread made me feel a bit more sane. I come from a family of ‘if you f*ck it up, you fix it’, not in the literal sense, but to at least be a part of the solution, not make it worse. Man, my dad would be appalled if he knew I was the one handling the sh*t stick when I’m not the one who causes it."
"Besides all this, MIL says some really insensitive things to me, always in a room full of people, because she knows I’m not the type to fight, to which no one, including my partner, will say anything. I’ve heard the 'mommy is so lazy' being said to my child, and the muffled whispers of ‘she doesn’t do much’. Yeah, I have my answer there anyway."
"My plan was to get myself a job by the end of summer, and if other issues aren’t solved, I’m out. Might sound bad, but no partner is worth the sh*t I’ve stood for."
"Went out for a walk, came back to a used tampon floating. WHO THE HELL IS STILL FLUSHING TAMPONS‽‽ I’m out. I have a safe place to be for me and my kids, so don’t worry."
In this day and age, I thought it was common knowledge. I was told from when I started puberty, you don’t flush tampons or pads, like ever. There’s a rubbish bin in the bathroom for a reason. I’m not having this conversation with a grown human when the instructions are on the box."
"I have sung the song of needing to get out for the last few years, but partner thinks it’s a stupid idea for him to commute. Suggested going back to my home town where my old employer would take me back on full time, but 'this is his home'.
"Yeah, in typing that out, I have realized the problem."
Removing herself and her child from the situation is probably best.
