No one loves doing something for free, but when it's for family, we're usually down to help.
As long as they haven't insulted us.
Then all bets are off.
One Redditor turned to the "Am I The A**Hole" (AITAH) subReddit for feedback about this very issue.
Similar to AITA, the AITAH subReddit allows posters to ask for advice and post about ending romantic relationships—both things that are banned on AITA. However, there are no required voting acronyms—only suggested ones—and no official final judgment declared.
Professional_You2769 asked:
"AITAH for refusing to install my sister-in-law’s new dishwasher after she dismissed my help earlier?"
The original poster (OP) explained:
"AITAH for refusing to install my sister-in-law’s new dishwasher after she basically told me I wouldn’t know what I was doing?"
"My wife’s sister lives on the family farm owned by her brother. She doesn’t pay rent, doesn’t contribute financially, and generally seems to have a long-standing sponsorship arrangement with the rest of the family. New appliances, computers, cars, etc... appear around her like she’s a minor royal."
"Recently, she came over to the office on the farm where I work out of and started complaining that the dishwasher at the house had died and she needed a new one urgently."
"Now I’m pretty handy. I fix a lot of things myself, so I started asking a few questions to see if maybe it was something simple before everyone declared the appliance deceased and held a state funeral for it."
"She instantly snapped at me and said she’d already spoken to technicians and it was broken."
"Fair enough."
"Then their mum got involved, was already in a foul mood, and started making comments implying I wouldn’t be able to fix it anyway. At that point, I decided my role in the 'Dishwasher Inquiry' had concluded.
"Fast forward, and her brother has now bought and paid for a brand new dishwasher.
"Suddenly there are hints floating around about whether I can install it.
"Interesting career turnaround, considering 48 hours earlier, I apparently wasn’t qualified to diagnose a blocked rinse cycle.
"I never directly told them no. I only told my wife privately that, after the way the conversation went, I wasn’t interested in donating my time and labor.
"Today my wife said, 'I know you said you won’t, but what sort of person do you want to be?'."
"I said, 'Honestly, in this situation I’m very comfortable being petty'."
"The thing is, they’ll probably just get my brother-in-law to pay a plumber anyway, so nobody is going to be forced to wash dishes in the creek like it’s 1850. For me, it’s more the principle of the thing. I do feel kind of bad that he will pay for it though."
"If someone dismisses you, acts like your opinion is worthless, and then circles back once free labour is required, am I wrong for deciding they can keep that same energy and hire someone?"
"Or am I just being a stubborn a**hole over a dishwasher?"
The OP later added:
"My wife has always had a soft spot for her sister and used to enable her a lot, but she is getting better at saying no to her. This just wasn't one of those times."
"My SIL had just decided she wanted a new dishwasher and me fixing it would get in the way of that. It's repeat behaviour—she always needs the newest stuff."
Some Redditors weighed in by using the AITA voting acronyms:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA - You're The A**hole
- NAH - No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
- INFO - more information needed
Redditors decided the OP was not wrong to refuse to enable or indulge his in-laws (NTA/NTAH)
"NTAH, and your wife is welcome to YouTube dishwasher installation if she wants to help." ~ Ok_Childhood_9774
"I would have asked my wife: 'is this the kind of wife you have chosen to be? The one where her husband gets snapped at and instead of backing his decision to set a boundary, decides she should be guilt tripping him?'."
"But I am the lead AH in pettiness when I want to be, so no one is spared. OP may not want to be like me." ~ Usual-Canary-7764
"It isn’t even the install that would make me say no. If sh*t goes wrong, you are getting blamed and if anything goes wrong in the future, you are getting the first call." ~ Righteousaffair999
"Agreed 100%. That's how it always goes."
"My (elderly) father has a smartphone and cable TV. Yeah, I know, but if he wants to waste his money, whatevs. When he first got these services, my husband, an IT tech, helped with getting things set up."
"My father now calls at all hours saying things are broken, etc... and wanting us (well, my husband, but I'd never make him go over there alone since husband is a people pleaser and would get roped into doing so much stuff) to come over to fix things. We live about an hour away from him. No way in hell."
"Apparently, since mt husband helped once, he's now the permanent go-to guy for all things technical. We've had to be kind of firm and tell father that he needs to call a local technician or take his phone to the Apple store, etc... Even so, he still calls my husband first thing. Drives me batty." ~ platypusandpibble
"Wifey needs to grow a backbone faster and stop enabling her lazy-a** entitled disrespectful useless witch of a sister."
"Hey, wifey, it’s literally your job as a wife to stand up for your husband, and you failed to do it here because it felt easier to abuse your husband’s goodwill than to say no to your awful sister."
"Do better. What kind of person do YOU want to be, a doormat for your sister or a good supportive spouse?" ~ Araveni
"NTA. If they can afford to sponsor her and buy her a new dishwasher, they can afford to pay someone, not you, to install it. The kind of person you want to be is not a doormat." ~ Vandreeson
"NTA. OP, the person involved didn’t even ask you nicely herself."
"If she actually did, and added pretty please with sugar sprinkles, you could choose whether you wanted to be the kind of person that says no or the kind that says yes."
"But as things are, your wife is basically asking you if you want to be the kind of person who joins in their Enabling the Sister Cult or not." ~ Individual_You_6586
"You are really setting a boundary. They diss you, so you shouldn't be required to show your underbelly. Can't expect favors from someone you insult."
"Now, petty would be asking if they found someone else to install the dishwasher. Obviously, you ignore their hints and just say oops, gotta go. Work.is keeping me busy, busy, busy." ~ Worldly-Grade5439
"Nope. Called respecting yourself. That’s the kind of person you are choosing to be - one who respects yourself. Not petty, self-respecting. A very important step in life choices in my opinion."
"Doesn’t mean you can’t or won’t help some other time, just that you are choosing to step back after the verbal, psychological and emotional abuse handed out to you. You’re not being sensitive either; you’re just being healthy in a very important normal manner. Good for you." ~ Upbeat_Monitor1488
"If you disrespect me I drop the rope. I don’t ever pick it back up."
"NTA, but your wife should take a seat." ~ Strong_District_5894
"My husband is the best, and he is willing to help family and friends with his many, many talents. Most every time, it goes well."
"Then there was the incident of the memorial service. My mom lost her last uncle, and all the cousins wanted to do a bash with a bar and dancing. They asked if my hubs would be willing to do posed, backdrop photos for the event. He did this for a family reunion, and for my parents' 50th anniversary party. So we think, sure, no big deal."
"Until we get the invite. And they are charging an entrance fee. To go to a memorial."
"I start out just stunned at the tackiness of it all. Then I realized, they never thought to tell my gracious, patient, always happy to help husband that he at least would not be charged for the event. Nope, expected him to pay for the privilege of working for free."
"So we didn't go. And my husband knows I have his back, even against my crazy family." ~ BombayAbyss
"Tell your wife you want to be the type of person who allows a more qualified person—per her sister and mother—to do the work properly—as to not upset her sister and mother. NTA, but no wonder they have an adult toddler." ~ Glum-Mulberry-9430
"Let's be honest, if there are any issues with the dishwasher, even years in the future, they will blame OP for it if he installs it. NTA for avoiding that drama." ~ hungry057unit
"Why get involved now? They will only be thankless." ~ G1431c
"NTA. They insulted your skills 48 hours ago, so they don't get to run back to you for free labor now. Since your brother-in-law is already funding her whole royal lifestyle anyway, he can shell out for a plumber. Stay petty, your wife's guilt trip is bs." ~ UmberModule
OP is probably smart to avoid this installation unless he wants to be blamed for anything that might go wrong later.
It's not petty, it's self-preservation.
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