There is no doubt having kids can be stressful. A parent's work around the house is never done.
Redditor FosterFix understands this.
But after hearing about her sister's plan to become a foster parent, she took definitive action that angered her sister and fractured an already troubled relationship.
FosterFix took to the "Am I the A**hole" (AITA) subReddit where she asked:
"AITA for telling a social worker the real reason my sister wants a foster kid?"
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
"I'm a 28 F[emale] and I have a sister (36 F). For the sake of story, I'll just call her Jane."
"Jane is married to 'Bob' and they have two kids, boy and a girl. My niece and nephew are wonderful kids and no trouble at all. They fight as siblings do but nothing big. I love them."
"Now for about two years, I did live with my sister. It was a miserable time that really affected our relationship. She saw me as free labor, money and babysitting. Even when I managed to get a small part time job, she demanded I hand over nearly half my pay or get out."
"It was hell as she took complete advantage of me. I moved out as soon as I could and we have little contact outside of family gatherings."
"Now after I moved out, she started complaining how 'She has no help with the kids and never gets a break!' I babysit sometimes but I have made it clear, just cause I am off work, doesn't mean I want an 8 hour day with my niece and nephew."
"Anyway she started talking about how she wanted to foster a kid. Not a kid but a teenager. I pressed her for more info on this. She wants to adopt a teenager so she has a live in babysitter for her kids."
"This is her logic: 'I want a kid around 16 or 17, you know someone who may have been in the system for awhile. They can share a room with your nephew (she only has a three 3 bedroom house) or sleep in the garage."
"They can help me with house work, chores, cook and help me with my business.(She bakes and sells cookies) Also babysit the kids so me and Bob can go out sometimes or have some alone time."
"They'll be so grateful for a home and won't complain. I won't have to pay them at all. And then when they turn 18, I can just sign up for another foster kid! A teenager will be so much easier than a little kid, they will be grateful just to have a roof, food, siblings if they have been separated from their real ones and clothes.'"
"I was horrified! Told her it was a horrible idea! She didn't listen to me. She went on with it anyway. About a month ago, a social worker showed up at my apartment to ask me some questions about my sister. She had put me down as a character witness or something like that."
"I immediately told the social worker why my sister really wanted to foster a kid and how she treated me when I lived with her. The lady thanked me."
"My sister called crying saying that she wouldn't be considered for any adoptions or fosters. The social worker told her that they felt her home and her weren't a good fit. She asked if I said anything and I told the truth. She went off on me, hung up and we haven't spoken since."
"She has sent some angry texts. A couple family members are on her side. They think foster kids are f'king dogs or something and would be so happy just to have a roof and would gladly do all the housework."
"So AITA here?"
Anonymous strangers weighed in by declaring:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA - You're The A**hole
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
- NAH - No A**holes Here
Redditors praised the OP for looking out for the potential foster child.
"NTA. What you did was the ONLY ethical option."
"Not only is this treating another human being like a LITERAL house slave (and a DISPOSABLE one at that), but older fosters tend to have been through a horrifying amount of abuse that means they often need a lot of help themselves."
"Honestly, the plan to have him live in the same room as the younger children is generally not allowed for that exact reason--its incredibly common for sexually abused children to repeat the behavior to other children because they don't know better and its been normalized (and I'm guessing the garage plan wasn't even mentioned to the social worker because that is RIGHT OUT)."
"Older foster children are generally harder to place exactly because they generally need so much work, but all your sister sees is free labor. Unless she somehow lucks out with Actual Cinderella, her flippant plan is not only cruel but exposing her own children to potential physical and sexual abuse, drugs, whatever horrible things the foster child had to do to survive."
"Also, I'd extremely not trust any family member that is on her side."
"You shouldn't be celebrated by adopting a child for your own gain--this is a just a genteel version of Victorian men scooping up orphans and forcing them to work as chimney sweeps and coal miners then discarding them when they get too big to do the work." – Ayafumi
"NTA. Kids aren't slaves and shouldn't be treated as such."
"I'm glad you got out of living with your sister, because she sounds difficult to live with, and you absolutely did the right thing to prevent a child from being treated like you did!" – La_Laith
The OP responded with details from living with her sister.
"She was very difficult to live with. My first job only paid me 400 at best sometimes and she would demand 350 in rent or get out."
"She would walk around naked (don't want to see my sister naked!), walk into my room and take my stuff, lose it and then not replace cause 'it was in my house!'."
"Once I woke up to my nephew asking when I was going to make breakfast. My sister and Bob were gone. They left for a weekend and left me with the kids."
"I started drinking pretty heavy just to deal with the stress and even slept in my car sometimes so I wouldn't go home. It got so bad that I had a system of climbing in and out my window to avoid her."
A former foster kid's story gave credence to the OP's concerns.
"I was also a foster kid, but I was really quiet and eager to please. I was desperate to be adopted, and probably would have done exactly what this woman asked and then some, and wouldn't have breathed a word about being unhappy to my social workers. But it would have been so damaging to me."
"Foster kids are really vulnerable to exploitation in myriad ways. When I was a teenager living alone in an independent living placement (due to a severe shortage of foster homes in my area), I was befriended by a woman in my neighbourhood who had several children."
"She had me over on holidays, was the only person who remembered my birthday, would sometimes have me stay over and sleep on her couch and do the mum-and-daughter things I hadn't gotten to experience before, like doing my hair for school or packing me a lunch."
"But her kindness was manipulation--she'd have me babysit her kids for eight to fourteen hours a day on weekends, have me come over for dinner and then babysit them on weeknights, and even push me to skip school in order to care for her children."
"I thought she loved me, but she didn't, she loved my labour. I felt the children were my own younger siblings, and on the very rare occasion I got any extra money, I'd spend it buying things for the kids or taking them out."
"It took me years to extricate myself from the situation. It's so damaging to be encouraged to think of love as something that you earn by giving and giving of yourself to other people." – babyredpandas
The OP updated her post with an edit expressing her gratitude and left Redditors with this reminder:
"Remember no child is in control of the circumstances that may have landed them in the foster care system. They are children and still human."
"They deserve a loving home and care."
"Do right by a foster kid. And thank you again."
It sounds like at least one sister has the right perspective when it comes to how to treat a child in a vulnerable situation.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp