For many people, especially those who live alone, pets can become their closest companions.
Their relatively short lifespans can lead to serious heartbreak when it’s time to say goodbye.
But not everyone bonds with non-humans, and not everyone will understand the level of grief a pet owner feels after saying goodbye to a beloved companion.
A woman who recently lost their cat unexpectedly turned to the “Am I The A**hole” (AITA) subReddit for feedback after a confrontation with her sister-in-law.
Prize-Classroom-5623 asked:
“AITA for leaving my sister-in-law’s (SIL’s) house after she invited me over to ‘not be alone’ but just wanted free childcare?”
The original poster (OP) explained:
“I (25, female) had to put my cat down unexpectedly, and it has completely shattered me. He wasn’t ‘just a pet’—he was my best friend, my emotional support, my companion through everything.”
“I’ve had him since I was a teenager, and I loved him more than I can explain. Making the decision to let him go was the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do. I held him in my arms at the vet while he passed, and I genuinely don’t know how I made it home after.”
“I cried all night. I didn’t sleep. I didn’t eat. I took the next day off work because I couldn’t even function—I was in absolute pieces.”
“That day, my sister-in-law called and said she didn’t want me to be alone and invited me to come over. I was hesitant but also grateful that someone seemed to care.”
“I thought I’d be able to just sit quietly, cry a little, maybe talk about him if I needed to—basically just exist around someone ,so I wasn’t drowning by myself.
“But the moment I got there, it was clear that ‘not being alone’ actually meant helping her with her kids. We immediately left to pick them up from school.”
“Her son didn’t want to get off the jungle gym, and when I just stood there, SIL got annoyed that I wasn’t physically removing him—even though I could barely stand upright without crying.”
“Back at her place, she told her son I would help him with homework while she made dinner.”
“I tried to gently bring up my cat once or twice—I honestly just needed to talk about him—and each time she cut me off with ‘you’re just having a moment’ or said we didn’t need to dwell. I felt completely dismissed.”
“Then her son needed help in the bathroom and she asked me to do it. I don’t know if she realized, but I’d been crying on and off the entire time I was there.”
“I hadn’t been able to think straight since yesterday. I wasn’t even sure why I agreed to come.”
“And now I was being asked to play babysitter, while grieving the most traumatic loss I’ve ever experienced?
“At that point, I just stood up and left. I didn’t say much—I didn’t trust myself not to sob or scream. I just got in my car and went home.”
“Later she texted me saying I upset her kids by ‘storming out’ and that she was trying to help me take my mind off things. But I don’t think she ever actually saw how much pain I was in.”
The OP summed up their situation.
“The action being judged is me walking out of my sister-in-law’s house without saying anything after she invited me over while I was grieving, but then expected me to help with her kids.”
“I believe I might be the a**hole because I didn’t communicate my feelings in the moment, and I left abruptly, which upset her and her children. I can understand why she might feel blindsided or hurt by how I handled it.”
Redditors weighed in by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors decided the OP was not the a**hole (NTA).
“NTA. She is a real AH and an entitled one at that.”
“Losing my service dog a year ago was incredibly traumatic for many reasons. I had a caregiver at the time who knew how much Odin meant to me, and when I called to tell her that it happened, she immediately said that she was coming over to be with me during this time and that she would even spend the night.”
“Truthfully, I didnt even really want the company. I told her that, but she insisted. Cut to some drama that happened later in the week, and she tells me that she is claiming the hours she spent with me as hours that she worked to get out of coming in a day that I actually needed her.”
“That was a huge slap in the face to me because, like you, I genuinely thought she was doing this out of the kindness of her heart and whatever, but it wasn’t that. Take care of yourself.” ~ CaptainBFck
“I’m sorry for your loss. NTA. Clearly, your SIL is selfish and unempathetic. In the future, you’ll know that any act that looks like kindness from her is largely self-serving. Take all the time you need to grieve and perhaps look for some pet grief support groups online.” ~ dembowthennow
“Your SIL seems like she’s spent some time perfecting her manipulation craft.”
“Like she was really smooth about the whole thing. I like the part where she pretended that her KIDS were upset by you leaving! What kind of monster upsets an innocent child!? How COULD you do that?! (I’m being very sarcastic here).”
“Sorry, she sounds awful.”
“And I’m sorry about your cat. My dog is 17, and I’ve been telling myself that love means doing what we have to when the time comes. Even thinking about it hurts. I can’t imagine having to process all that you are, when it was so sudden and unexpected.”
“I’m so sorry for the loss of your furry soulmate.” ~ StrategyDouble4177
“I lost my dog recently as well. They are so much more than pets, and there are people who do not understand that. People also grieve differently as well.”
“Your sister-in-law may have honestly thought she was doing something good for you, that dealing with children would occupy your mind, but that may be what she needs when she grieves, it doesn’t mean it’s what you need.”
“So, I’d say NTA, your sister-in-law was insensitive and unobservant, but I do not think you were wrong to take yourself out of the situation. If you ‘storming out’ caused the kids angst, I would ask her if you crying during your entire visit wasn’t.” ~ NationalBase3449
“I completely agree with this take. My mom is a ‘distract’ person when it comes to big emotions because she can’t handle them in herself or others. When I come to her for comfort, she usually changes the subject to distract me.”
“But that’s not how I like to grieve, so I don’t go to her for that anymore; I’ve worked hard to be comfortable feeling the full range of human emotions. I think OP learned a valuable lesson around that with their SIL, but unfortunately, it came at a horrible time.” ~ spacedinosaur1313131
“My ride or die passed suddenly in my arms, and I couldn’t even discuss the cat for two years. The pain was awful. I’m so sorry.”
“You should tell your sister-in-law how you feel when you’re feeling better. Right now, you should just put her out of your mind.” ~ Recent_Body_5784
“NTA. Her idea of helping you was to distract you from your grief as if you were a toddler having an angry outburst. Obviously, that was not what you needed or expected.” ~ wondering88888
“NTA. Sometimes, you just need comfort and a place to process emotions outwardly. Sometimes you need something to distract or tasks to keep you going, and maybe that was her intention, but it sounds like that wasn’t what you needed.”
“You identified what you needed and left the situation as well as you could at the time.”
“A gentle text of ‘I need a space to talk and not be overwhelmed right now’ or ‘I couldn’t say it then but…’ or something along those lines could alleviate tension? So sorry for your loss.” ~ Carinazon
“NTA, at all. Some people just don’t understand how much we grieve for beloved pets. Those people are a$$holes. When I had to put down my heart cat, a big piece of me died with her. It’s been almost 20 years and it still makes me cry to think about her.”
“I’m truly sorry for your loss. I wish I could give you a big hug and listen to you talk about your baby.” ~ theflyinghillbilly2
“NTA! Your SIL sounds incredibly self-absorbed. I’m a parent and can’t imagine using someone’s grief as an excuse to order them to take care of my kids under the guise of trying to keep their mind off things.”
“I don’t know how she possibly could have thought she was being helpful. You have every right to be frustrated with her just as you have every right to grieve in your own way under your own terms.”
“Losing a pet can be more painful than losing a relative. I’m so sorry you’re going through this. Please take care of yourself during this difficult time.” ~ No-Particular-6567
The OP was in a fragile emotional state, which their sister-in-law didn’t seem to pick up on. Some people think keeping busy is the cure for emotional distress, but people grieve differently.
Keeping busy tending to her sister-in-law’s children wasn’t doing it for the OP.