Getting over the death of a beloved pet takes time. For some people, that pet becomes the last one they own, unwilling to part with another one in the future.
For others, it may take weeks, months, or years to welcome a new friend into their home. Allowing that grief to take its natural course is best, rather than immediately gifting the grieving person a replacement.
A woman whose boyfriend didn't follow that standard advice turned to the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subReddit for feedback.
Better_Shirt_7764 asked:
"AITA for putting up for adoption the puppy my boyfriend gave me after my dog died?"
The original poster (OP) explained:
"I (28, female) have been with my boyfriend (32, male) for about 3 years. We’ve been talking about moving in together, and up until recently, everything between us has been really good."
"A few weeks ago, my childhood dog passed away. His name was Todd, and he was a Belgian Malinois. He was 16, and I had him since I was a kid. He was actually a gift from my dad before he passed, so Todd meant a lot more to me than just a pet."
"Losing him was honestly one of the hardest things I’ve gone through. It was also pretty traumatic, and I’ve been grieving a lot. I’ve taken a step back from a lot of things in my life because I just haven’t felt like myself."
"At the same time, I recently got accepted into a new job that I’ve been working toward for a long time, so I’ve also been trying to focus on that and get my life back on track."
"A few days ago, my boyfriend came over and surprised me with a puppy. She’s a Belgian Malinois too, and she’s beautiful. But instead of feeling happy, I was honestly really upset."
"I told him I wasn’t ready for another dog, especially not so soon after losing Todd. It felt really overwhelming and a bit insensitive. I don’t think getting another dog is something that 'fixes' grief."
"He said he just wanted to cheer me up and thought it would help, but I tried to explain that it doesn’t work like that and that I’m not in the right place emotionally or practically to take care of a puppy right now, especially with starting a new job."
"We argued about it, and he ended up leaving. He didn’t take the puppy with him."
"So now I’m in a position where I have a young, high-energy dog that I didn’t ask for and don’t feel capable of caring for properly right now. Even if she is so sweet, because I ended up crying on the floor and she licked my face."
"I’ve been looking into finding her a good home where she can actually get the time, training, and attention she needs. It’s just, I don’t know if I am ready to have another dog, now or ever, because the pain of losing them, it’s just TOO much."
"My boyfriend thinks I’m being cold and says I’m 'giving away his gift,' but I don’t see it that way. I see it as making sure the puppy ends up somewhere she’ll be properly cared for."
"Still, part of me feels guilty, like maybe I’m overreacting or not appreciating what he was trying to do."
"So am I the a**hole?"
The OP summed up why they might be the a**hole in their situation.
"I am the a**hole because my boyfriend was trying to do something nice for me, trying to help the puppy, and I have done nothing wrong. I am overreacting."
Redditors weighed in by declaring:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA - You're The A**hole
- NAH - No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
- INFO - more information needed
Redditors decided the OP was not the a**hole (NTA).
"NTA. Nobody should surprise people with pets. Ever. Period. It's both illogical and insensitive, and takes the choice away from the 'lucky' recipient."
"Give it away to someone who wants AND has the time to train it."
"I remember when MY dog passed (even more traumatic for my brother as the dog was around before he was even born)."
"Have I had a dog since..... no. My brother got a puppy, but neither of us bonded with it the same way... I got a cat eventually." ~ Sassypants2306
"I think the only time I've seen pet surprises work is:
"• The person getting the pet is a child, and the parents are in on it."
"• Both the gifter and giftee have openly discussed getting a dog, including specifics like breed, and the only thing that's really a surprise is the timing."
"I'm specifically thinking of that video of the couple that both accidentally surprised one another with a new puppy at the same time." ~ Flippanties
"I used to think that it was common sense not to buy people pets without their knowledge. But honestly, I've come across a few people who have done so this year across various age groups."
"I genuinely think some people have no idea how much responsibility a pet is or they've grown up around people who already had trained their dogs so it seemed easy. I have no idea what's going on when people do this." ~ SleepyDeluxe
"NTA, he wants to speed run your grief because it makes him uncomfortable, and he thought he could play hero as a bonus. This was not a thoughtful gesture for your benefit, and the fact that he left the puppy there after seeing how upset you were was heartless and manipulative." ~ Darkhydrastar156
"He definitely told himself how great of a boyfriend he was after buying the dog. Her reaction shattered that story, and now he's angry at her for being human. It seems like he doesn't see her as anything more than a side character in his life." ~ RoughGuest727
"NTA and giving away his gift is an odd way to phrase that. Seems he bought you a shut-up dog so you’d stop grieving, and he could get back the happy version of you."
"Almost like he wants to skip your emotions and the value your dog's life had. This all just screams he doesn’t see you, your feelings or animals as more important than his comfort. This is not the man for you." ~ FuzzyCat_6578
"NTA. FYI, I'm a guy, if that matters."
"I had a dog (Pumpkin) that passed away a couple years that meant so much to me and my mother. I still watch videos of her. She felt more than a pet or companion. She felt....something much more. I literally had to pause while reading some bible verses while we buried her."
"I'm not ready for another dog two years later. We have a border collie-mix, but that's because we had her at the same time as Pumpkin. The only reason why we've increased our pets over the past two years is that we found two baby kittens in our shed on a hot summer day and kept them since then (Felix and Flo)."
"Your boyfriend should have come to you and talked about the idea of another dog. He should have considered how you might feel. I was willing to give him a pass of just being a well-intentioned blockhead by gifting you a dog..................until it resulted in an argument."
"To me, the arguing AND MANIPULATION proves that the gift was not so much for you and to make you feel better, but it's stroking his ego that he did something that 'saved the day'..........so to speak. Him giving you the dog was not done to help you, but for him to get praise."
"If he had instantly accepted that he was wrong and said he would find another home for the dog THEN I would suggest giving him a 'pass'. However, that's not what he did."
"I would suggest you reconsider this relationship because this goes far deeper than just one situation. This is about his character........and character seasons everything that a person does." ~ hedgehog-vs-chilidog
"He views the prospect of OP putting the dog up for adoption as 'giving away his gift,' rather than being concerned for the puppy or his grieving girlfriend. It’s literally all about pride for him, otherwise instead of acting butthurt about her not liking it, he’d be trying harder to understand why she doesn’t want it." ~ old_vegetables
The OP provided an update:
"He just called me, and now he wants the puppy back. Apparently, because I don’t know how to appreciate gifts. The puppy is staying with me until I find a home for her. I won’t give her to him."
OP wasn't prepared or in a place in her life to handle the training a Belgian Malinois puppy requires.
The fact her boyfriend didn't realize this, meaning he failed to research the breed and/or to pay attention to OP's career trajectory, then failed to accept it after being made aware, was not a good sign.
OP may choose to rehome her boyfriend as well.
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