After a hard day, we all have different ways of unwinding.
For some, it's just a matter of getting home and staying in for the rest of the night.
For others, it's going out and doing anything to get their minds off things.
When these two kinds of people share a home, and both have a bad day, this could be a problem.
Redditor throwawaysequence391 and their husband had both been going through a bit of a rough patch.
To get his mind off things, the original poster (OP)'s husband wanted them to go out and enjoy themselves
Something the OP did not want to do, but grudgingly agreed to.
A decision they quickly regretted.
After her husband accused her of "causing a scene", the OP took to the subReddit "Am I The A**hole" (AITA), where she asked fellow Redditors:
"AITA for ruining a hibachi dinner?"
The OP explained why a night out with her husband ended up going sour:
"I (52 F[emale]) and my husband (49 M[ale]) have been together for over 20 years."
"He has been out of work, but I make enough to keep us going."
"Last week was rough for me at work; I was initially blamed for something my predecessor did."
"It got straightened out, but there were a lot of meetings, calls, and emails, and I was scared I could lose this job."
"So Friday night, I just wanted a quiet night at home."
"My husband wanted to go to his favorite hibachi place."
"We don’t go out to eat much anymore, but I was so tired."
"He kept pressing, saying, 'all you have to do is sit there and eat'.”
"So I said okay."
"The hibachi place was loud and crowded, but being just the two of us, we didn’t wait long and were seated with a boisterous group of 6."
"The chef came out; as he started cooking, he looked at me and asked if I was okay."
"I nodded and said, 'Yes, I’m fine, thank you.”
"He nodded and started bantering with the group of 6."
"A few minutes later, the chef again asked if I was okay. I assured him, 'yep, I’m good'.”
"He then said, 'You don’t look like you feel good.”
"I’ve been told that I have a resting-b*tch face, so I tried to smile and said again that I was fine."
"When the chef turned back to the group of 6, he grinned and then looked at me yet again, and this time said, 'Are you mad?'”
"I was taken aback and said, 'nope'.”
"He mugged at the group of 6, and then to me he said in a comic voice, 'Are you suuuuure you’re not mad… are you mad at meeeee?'”
"The group of 6 chuckled."
"One of the women in the group of 6 then said, 'Oh, don’t worry about her, she’s just…'”
"Here is where I may be the a**hole, because I didn’t hear what she actually said after that."
"There was a burst of noise that, for me, drowned her out."
"All I know is that after she finished her sentence, the chef and the group had a hearty laugh while looking at me."
"I was feeling so beat-up from the week, I was mortified to feel myself turning red and tearing up."
"So I told my husband to box up my food, because I’d be waiting in the car for him."
"I was getting out of my chair when my husband hissed at me to sit down and stop making a scene."
"I said, 'I’m not going to sit here and be made fun of'.”
"My husband said, 'Nobody’s making fun of you! Just eat your dinner'.”
"I ended up sitting through the rest of the meal in the restaurant."
"The mood at the table turned very sedate."
"Communication became hushed voices and gestures."
"Nobody hung around long after the food was distributed, and pretty much everyone, myself included, just put everything in to-go boxes and left."
"In the car, my husband complained I’d ruined dinner."
"I asked him what the woman said about me after the 'don’t worry about her, she’s just…'
"And my husband would only say, 'it was nothing' and 'it wasn’t anything to get mad about'.”
"I kept after him to tell me exactly what she said, and he finally admitted that he hadn’t heard her either, but it didn’t matter."
"It wasn’t worth my ruining dinner for the whole table."
"AITA?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in on where they believed the OP fell in this particular situation, by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You're The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
The Reddit community agreed that the OP was not the a**hole for calling it quits on the hibachi dinner.
Everyone thought the OP was rightfully upset at apparently being the center of a joke by the chef, and that her husband should have stood up for her rather than accusing her of "ruining" anything. Many pointed out that the OP should not have done something that would knowingly make her miserable just to make her husband happy:
"NTA."
"Pretty much everyone else in the story sure sucks."
"Your husband is the worst for insisting you go out when you were not feeling up to it, and for insisting you just sit there while being made the butt of a joke."
"This was definitely not someplace where you 'just sit and eat'."
"The chef sucks for continuing to harp on the joke when clearly you did not find it funny."
"The rest of the people suck for joining in on the mockery, but they don’t have an obligation to you the way the chef and especially your husband do."- MarionberryPlus8474
"NTA."
"Your husband definitely was, for insisting on going out despite you not wanting to."
"And I know the hibachi chef was probably just trying to do his job, but he could have also read you better and not tried to engage you after you pushed back twice."- erisestarrs
"NTA."
"I encourage you to learn to stand up for yourself, particularly towards your spouse."
"He's *checks notes* not contributing to your household, knows you had a bad week, forces you to go somewhere you don't want to be (PLUS hibachi of all restaurants is the worst possible pick he could've forced), lets you get made fun of and be the butt of a tables jokes, and THEN HE BLAMES YOU FOR GETTING UPSET?"
"Your husband is a clueless AH, and you should make that known to him."- Anon_please123
"NTA."
"Your husband let strangers belittle you."
"Do you know what sunk cost fallacy is?"
"It’s the idea we should just stay in a relationship (or with something costing us something) because we’ve already put in time."
"You’re the breadwinner, your job sounds stressful, and you come home to a hobosexual who gets pissy because he wanted to go out to eat on your dime?"
"I’m hoping this is a one-off, because otherwise I implore you to consider how quiet your life would be if it were just you taking care of you."- creativejo
"NTA."
"Husband should’ve been telling the chef to lay off you, not getting angry at your reaction to being picked on after a hard day."
"Tell him he can call the shots at the restaurant when he’s the one paying for the meal."- GeorgeBird0457
"NTA."
"The chef and the other group were rude."
"People are allowed to exist while tired, stressed, etc."
"He should have accepted your 'I’m fine' and moved on."
"Continuing and including another group was absolutely uncalled for."
"Not only is your husband an AH for making you stay, but he’s also an AH for not defending you."
"I’d personally call the restaurant and complain."
"It’s normal to have a little banter with willing participants."
"It’s not normal to go after someone clearly not engaged or wanting to engage."
"I’d also refuse to go back there with your husband."
"Tell him to get a job and pay for it himself."
"You don’t work for him to be a useless slug who can’t even tell people to back off when you’re clearly not having a good time."- Beneficial-Guess2140
The OP later returned with an update, thanking everyone who took the time to comment, and sharing efforts she hoped both she and her husband would take:
"Since posting, I’ve commented here and there, but I think most of my comments have gotten lost in the sea of other, frankly amazing comments, so this is just to add a few things."
"First and foremost, a huge thanks to everyone who read this and offered their perspective."
"I especially appreciate the reassurances and hugs, but I also value all the NTAs, YTAs, NAHs, and ESHs."
"There were many perspectives that had not occurred to me."
"I was willing to make myself less happy in a misguided attempt to make my husband more happy, so we both made bad choices that night."
"I’m not giving up on convincing him to try therapy and, in the meantime, I am continuing my therapy and trying to always remember the airplane oxygen mask rule: I have to take care of myself first before I can take care of others."
"Good advice for everyone, I guess."
"Thanks again!"
It's understandable that the OP's husband wanted to do something to lift his spirits.
But maybe he could have thought of something that could have made them both happy.
Or at least considered pivoting when he could tell the OP was having a horrible time.
It seems the OP's husband shares the same flaw as this hibachi chef: an inability to read the room.
