Money can be at the root of all relationshipn issues.
Marraiges crumble over it.
People kill for it.
And family wants their share... ALWAYS.
It's neverending battle.
Redditor TA_cashin wanted to discuss their experience and get some feedback, so naturally, they came to the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subreddit.
They asked:
"AITA for keeping the cash back I made from a shared purchase for myself?"
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
"Last year, my siblings and I had to make a shared purchase."
"It was the cost to bury our father after he passed away."
"We split the payments 4 ways between all of us."
"They sent me the money, and I put the cost of the burial on my C[redit] C[ard]."
"With that, I made about $140 in cash back."
"This weekend, we were hanging out and talking about finances in general."
"I talked about how I put everything I can on my credit card to get cash back and because it has better protections than a debit card."
"That way, I am getting some money back on purchases I need to make, and if something goes wrong, I have better ways to defend myself."
"Plus, I just love cash back!"
"My sister asked if I really meant that I put everything on my credit card."
"I said yes, the only exception is loans where credit card payments aren’t accepted."
"Otherwise, it goes on the credit card. "
"She asked me about our father’s burial."
"I said yes, since they accepted credit cards, I did it."
"She asked how much I got back from that."
"I told her it was about $140."
"She asked why I didn’t send her 'her portion' of the cash back."
"Eventually, my other siblings agreed that I should’ve given them some of the cash back I received from putting the cost of the burial on my card."
"Their argument is that they gave me the money to pay for part of it, so they should get some return."
"We were having drinks when this came up, so I thought maybe the drinks exacerbated the issue, but this happened Friday night, and when I texted my brother (not the one who brought up the conflict at first) about something unrelated, he asked about cash back."
"So he still expects me to give him 'his portion' even though he didn’t have a problem with it until my sister brought it up and kept pushing the issue."
The OP was left to wonder:
"AITA for keeping the cash back I made after making a shared purchase??"
Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed in on some options to the question, AITA:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You're The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors weren't definitive with their thoughts. They felt there was blame to share... everywhere.
"ESH. It's $140."
"That's $35 each."
"That's a pitiful amount of money to argue about."
"I think they are petty for asking, and while I don't think you're necessarily in the wrong to have kept it, it seems like a stupid hill to die on." ~ Puskarella
"They’re probably more upset that you 'profited' from paying for the burial."
"It’s an emotional situation to begin with, and they can certainly view it like you weren’t upfront about it with them."
"My guess is that’s more their beef, rather than $35 each. ESH." ~ mattysparx
"NTA. I have friends who love paying for group dinners and having us Venmo them for our portion because of their credit card rewards."
"If I wanted to put the money up front, I'd do the same thing -- but I don't, so I just Venmo them what I owe them for dinner."
"Your siblings are crazy for expecting the rewards to go to them."
"That's what you get for being willing to organize and pay up front." ~ secret_identity_too
"NTA. There would have been no cash back if you hadn't used YOUR card."
"They're not entitled to any of it."
"Your mistake was telling them about using it for the funeral." ~ Gattina1
"This is madness."
"Credit Card rewards do not go back to anyone else in the party involved, ever."
"You were the one who floated the debt, took on the risk, and collected all the payments."
"Anyone else could have done it, but they did not. Your credit card rewards are your own business."
"Also, stop talking about them." ~ Ok-Calligrapher1345
"This is the dumbest damn thing I’ve heard argued about in a long time."
"Who in this day and age doesn’t have a rewards card of some sort?"
"I have the Costco Visa that rewards actual cash, and I still wouldn’t give any of it back to them."
"Who cares?"
"It was for your father’s burial, and she should just be glad that it was handled without any mess or fuss. NTA." ~ jenorama_CA
"YTA. Should have kept your mouth shut." ~ Discojoe3030
"Your siblings are basically trying to retroactively change the terms of an agreement that was already settled, which is kind of a classic move when someone's feeling left out of a benefit."
"The cash back is literally the reward for you using your card responsibly and managing the transaction, not some hidden pot they were owed a cut of from day one."
"If they wanted to negotiate how rewards get split, they should've said something before you paid, not after finding out you made money." ~ DoublePut2143
"YTA for bringing it up in front of them."
"If you had kept your mouth shut (which would have been fine since you've extolled the virtues of cash back for years) and not made them aware of unnecessary details in the first place, everything would have been fine."
"You made this problem for yourself." ~ KFPanda
"NTA. Cash back on a CC is a reward for taking on the risk of using your own CC."
"If you hadn't paid it off, you would've accumulated interest, which your siblings would have no obligation to pay."
"You took the risk, you get the reward."
"The only way they would be entitled to a split of the cash back is if everyone was trying to decide whose credit card to put it on, and then agreed to split it."
"It would've been best to not dive into the details."
"I can definitely see their side, after knowing you made $140 with their contribution." ~ ace_deuceee
"NTA. The evidence against your sister is that she ASKED specifically if you got cashback for the funeral."
"This isn't you bragging about it and them giving you a hard time about it."
"This is them hearing that you get cashback on your card and looking for a way to get a piece of it."
"Tell them that the cashback on your card is yours because you used your card for the purchase."
"If one of them wanted rewards in some way from a card or account, they could have used their own cards." ~ rockology_adam
"INFO: Was there a fee for credit card over cash/check?"
"Credit cards can give cash back because they charge such a high fee."
"A lot of businesses offer a cash discount because of this. Y.TA."
"If there were a fee for using the credit card. N.A.H if it was the same price for card or cash."
"But on big purchases like that, I usually round down cause I’m getting cash back."
"But your sibling shouldn’t be making a big deal of it." ~ MMango90
"This is an insane discussion."
"But if they feel they are entitled to your rewards, then they must also be entitled to your interest payments, too."
"Most rewards cards have 2% cash back (on average) and 20% interest."
"So if they really want 'their' cash back, make sure you keep 20% of their share for interest anyway."
"Send them $28 and tell them if they have a problem, they can pay your credit card bill next month. NTA." ~ fs71625
"YTA for bragging about it and even letting them know."
"This is on you for talking." ~ ZoomZoomZachAttack
"YTA. You should have kept your mouth shut."
"Now it looks like you got one over on them and are bragging at their literal expense."
"Pony up and learn from it." ~ Fun-Satisfaction2214
"YTA. Bragging makes you an AH."
"Was it so hard to keep your mouth shut about getting cash back?"
"Do you really think you are impressing anyone?"
"Don't you realize that when you give out financial information like this, the people who hear you are going to think about how it affects them and how they can benefit from it?" ~ Deep-Okra1461
"ESH!!! This 👏 is why 👏 you don't 👏 discuss 👏 finances 👏!"
"You shouldn't have mentioned it in the first place, and this situation is exactly why, but now that you've spilled the beans about it, you'll never hear the end of it until you do."
"Will you?"
"That's up to you, keep your peace and assess the damages."
"Don't discuss your fiscal affairs in public."
"You can make an argument for talking about the benefits of various providers that people are assessing (and be sure to keep it vague which one you're using unless you're ride or die with the person you're telling)."
"But do NOT freely tell people about your financial situation unless you absolutely must, it brings no end of grief." ~ YakEfficient3200
"YTA. I agree with them."
"You all paid for it in equal amounts, so you should all get cash back in equal amounts." ~ StormCloudRaineeDay
"YTA, you 'made money' off your dad's burial/your siblings."
"You should have given everyone a refund."
"Or kept your mouth shut and not bragged about how clever you were to the people you essentially exploited." ~ Anthrodiva
Reddit is all over the place with this situation.
A lot of people feel NTA, but plenty feel YTA.
Sorry you can't get a clear answer, OP.
Money just makes everything so messy.
Sorry about your loss.
Good Luck.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp