Blended families, where a family with an already established relationship is joined to another, generally have some bumps along the way. When families combine can be a major factor.
Two parents each with small children getting married develops a vary different dynamic than parents who marry after all of their children are adults who live independently.
A woman whose father remarried turned to the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subReddit for feedback after being asked to support her stepmother.
RecitalFuneralThrow asked:
"AITA for prioritizing my daughter's recital over a funeral?"
The original poster (OP) explained:
"My daughter (5 years old) had a dance recital on Saturday. Her dance studio scheduled everything a couple months ago, so my husband and I were prepared to attend."
"Last Wednesday, my father informed me his mother-in-law (his wife’s mother) had passed away, and the funeral would be on Saturday. He said that he and his wife wanted me to attend it with my family, but would settle for just me."
"I’ll be honest, I didn’t want to go. I didn’t have a close relationship with my father’s mother-in-law and my kids saw her once a year at most."
"But I wouldn’t mind attending if it weren’t for my daughter’s recital. The funeral would take place in a different city (a very short flight away, which my father had offered to cover), so it wouldn’t be possible to attend both."
"I offered my condolences, but said my daughter had a dance recital on Saturday and my family wouldn’t be able to attend the funeral. My father said he understood why I couldn’t take my children, though his wife was disappointed I wouldn’t just tell my daughter’s dance studio that there had been a 'family emergency'."
"I called her and offered my condolences. And I did apologize profusely when I said my family wouldn't attend the funeral."
"In spite of that, they both thought I should still go on my own."
"They said that my husband could attend the recital on his own, that missing one of my daughter’s events when I’m there for everything else wouldn’t be a big deal, and that she’s so young that she probably wouldn’t remember it anyway. She’d have more recitals in the future, but the funeral would only happen once."
"I stood my ground."
"Saturday came. I attended my daughter’s dance recital. Both my father and his wife were radio silent all day, and I chose not to bother them."
"My father finally called me yesterday, and we had an argument. He said his wife was inconsolable, because her mother loved me and my children and it broke her heart that we weren’t there to say our goodbyes."
"He also said he was disappointed at how dismissive I’d been of his wife and her family, and he couldn’t believe I’d refused to make such a small sacrifice for someone who would drop everything to do the same for me."
"I continued to stand by what I did. I understand her passing was sudden and the funeral was rushed, but I had made a commitment to my daughter, and I wanted to honor it."
"My father said she should be old enough to understand that her mom had something more important to do."
"AITA?"
The OP summed up why they might be the a**hole in their situation.
"I didn't attend my father's wife's mother's (my stepmother's mother's) funeral because it was on the same day as my young daughter's dance recital. Even though I didn't feel like we were close, she claimed to love us and wanted us there."
"I believe it might have been insensitive of me to refuse to even try to attend."
Redditors weighed in by declaring:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA - You're The A**hole
- NAH - No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
- INFO - more information needed
Redditors decided the OP was not the a**hole (NTA).
"Funerals are for the living. You go to support your loved ones who are still on this earth. If you don’t have a close relationship with your dad and his wife I totally understand not going."
"But if you overall have a good relationship with your dad and his wife I think you made the wrong decision. Grief is hard and when you feel the people you care about don’t care about you in return it just amplifies the grief." ~ AffectionateSmoke777
"NTA. Is your daughter 'so young that she probably wouldn’t remember it anyway' or 'old enough to understand that her mom had something more important to do'? Which is it, grandpa?" ~ OkRefrigerator6681
"You have children and your first priority is to those children not senior citizens. If they are having trouble dealing with a sudden death of an old person then they should get some therapy."
Yes your daughter will have other recitals but every event will have special moments and you are not required to give those up for a funeral for someone. Living or dead."
"And before people pile on, I’m in my 60’s and have lost several people close to me but never made my children feel obligated to attend. My children can support me but are not responsible for my emotional regulation. NTA." ~ 4SeasonsDogmom
"She'd have to fly out of town to attend a funeral for someone she barely knew. That's not exactly easy when you have a child, and all the logistics that go into it."
"And a 5 year old absolutely might remember whether her mom was there or not. I remember my first dance recital at that age."
"I don't believe you have to be there in person to support loved ones. OP made the choice best for her family. She was clear from the start she wasn't able to attend and offered condolences." ~ lyssthebitchcalore
The OP provided a reaction to some recurring comments...
"I want to thank you all for your comments and insight on my original post, even if you decided I was in the wrong. I assure you I posted because I truly wanted alternate opinions, so I’m grateful for your feedback. There were, however, two things some people said that I still firmly disagree with."
"First, the claim that my father was asking me for support and I let him down. Based on his past behavior, he did not need or want my support. He wanted me to support his wife. He wasn’t fond of his mother-in-law."
"And both my father and his wife have a long history of wanting me and her to be closer than we are. I am perfectly fine with our current relationship and have no interest in bonding with her any further for a number of reasons."
"I’ll take the opportunity to state that my father and his wife have been married for six years and together for only a little longer. I was already an adult when I met her, and we have never been close. I consider her extended family, at best, and I did not consider her mother family."
"That is the main reason this didn’t constitute a family emergency to me. I literally met my husband before I met her mother. I have told my father I don’t really think of them as family several times, but he refuses to accept it."
"That leads me to the idea I could have used this as an opportunity to teach my daughter that sometimes plans have to change and it’s important to show up for family, which was the other claim I disagreed with. I agree it's important to teach kids that things don't always go according to plan."
"And realistically, I know I won't always be able to show up for my daughter. I have a career, another child and other commitments that might need to take priority sometimes."
"This was not one of those times. I wasn't close with my father's mother-in-law, and I was absolutely capable of being there for my daughter."
...followed by an update.
"As I’ve stated, there are things that were said that I disagree with, and I don’t expect that to change. But I also agreed with some who thought I was in the wrong."
"In particular, I agree I could have been more empathetic. I didn’t send flowers or a card, and saying my condolences was the bare minimum."
"I also completely disagree with those on my side who said they should have confirmed the date with me before scheduling the funeral if my presence was that important. I had no relation to the deceased, it wouldn’t be fair for her funeral to depend on my schedule."
"At first, I walked away from my first post almost as conflicted as I’d felt going in, but I definitely had a lot more insight. I contemplated the situation for a few days and managed to come to a few conclusions."
"I also ended up talking to a few people in my life. My husband was still very firmly on my side. My mother said I could have been more sensitive, but also that she’d probably have done the same thing I did."
"Then I talked to my younger sister, and it was during that conversation that I found out that not only had she not been pressured to attend the funeral, she hadn’t even been invited in the first place. She had spoken with our father several times since his mother-in-law died, but he hadn’t told her about anything besides the fact she’d passed."
"I was the only one he’d expected to attend."
"I think that was my breaking point. Not to sound childish, but why is it always me? Why do I always have to be the one expected to drop everything? Why does my father feel the need to keep pushing his wife and her family onto me and mine?"
"So in the end, my main conclusion was that this wasn’t just about the funeral. My father has always had unfair and unrealistic expectations of me, and I need to make it stop."
"I’ve decided to distance myself from my father and his wife for a while. I love him, but I need time, and he needs to accept that I have my own life. I’m also going back to therapy. I stopped a while ago, but I remember it helped."
"As for what will happen between me and my father, we’ll cross that bridge when we get there. Whenever he’s ready to have an honest conversation about everything that happened, he knows where I’ll be."
"Overall, I’ve decided what I did was wrong, but I’ve also accepted that I’d do it again."
"I don’t remember all of my recitals, school plays and events from when I was a kid, but I do remember my mom was there for all of them. Even if I can’t always be there for my children, they will always come first to me, and I’ll make sure they know that."
OP has their priorities set and is unlikely to shift them for someone they don't know well.
If that makes people decide they're an a**hole, they're OK with that.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp