Blended families, where a family with an already established relationship is joined to another, generally have some bumps along the way. When families combine can be a major factor.
Two parents each with small children getting married develops a vary different dynamic than parents who marry after all of their children are adults who live independently.
A woman whose father remarried turned to the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subReddit for feedback after being asked to support her stepmother.
RecitalFuneralThrow asked:
"AITA for prioritizing my daughter's recital over a funeral?"
The original poster (OP) explained:
"My daughter (5 years old) had a dance recital on Saturday. Her dance studio scheduled everything a couple months ago, so my husband and I were prepared to attend."
"Last Wednesday, my father informed me his mother-in-law (his wife’s mother) had passed away, and the funeral would be on Saturday. He said that he and his wife wanted me to attend it with my family, but would settle for just me."
"I’ll be honest, I didn’t want to go. I didn’t have a close relationship with my father’s mother-in-law and my kids saw her once a year at most."
"But I wouldn’t mind attending if it weren’t for my daughter’s recital. The funeral would take place in a different city (a very short flight away, which my father had offered to cover), so it wouldn’t be possible to attend both."
"I offered my condolences, but said my daughter had a dance recital on Saturday and my family wouldn’t be able to attend the funeral. My father said he understood why I couldn’t take my children, though his wife was disappointed I wouldn’t just tell my daughter’s dance studio that there had been a 'family emergency'."
"I called her and offered my condolences. And I did apologize profusely when I said my family wouldn't attend the funeral."
"In spite of that, they both thought I should still go on my own."
"They said that my husband could attend the recital on his own, that missing one of my daughter’s events when I’m there for everything else wouldn’t be a big deal, and that she’s so young that she probably wouldn’t remember it anyway. She’d have more recitals in the future, but the funeral would only happen once."
"I stood my ground."
"Saturday came. I attended my daughter’s dance recital. Both my father and his wife were radio silent all day, and I chose not to bother them."
"My father finally called me yesterday, and we had an argument. He said his wife was inconsolable, because her mother loved me and my children and it broke her heart that we weren’t there to say our goodbyes."
"He also said he was disappointed at how dismissive I’d been of his wife and her family, and he couldn’t believe I’d refused to make such a small sacrifice for someone who would drop everything to do the same for me."
"I continued to stand by what I did. I understand her passing was sudden and the funeral was rushed, but I had made a commitment to my daughter, and I wanted to honor it."
"My father said she should be old enough to understand that her mom had something more important to do."
"AITA?"
The OP summed up why they might be the a**hole in their situation.
"I didn't attend my father's wife's mother's (my stepmother's mother's) funeral because it was on the same day as my young daughter's dance recital. Even though I didn't feel like we were close, she claimed to love us and wanted us there."
"I believe it might have been insensitive of me to refuse to even try to attend."
Redditors weighed in by declaring:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA - You're The A**hole
- NAH - No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
- INFO - more information needed
Redditors decided the OP was not the a**hole (NTA).
"Funerals are for the living. You go to support your loved ones who are still on this earth. If you don’t have a close relationship with your dad and his wife I totally understand not going."
"But if you overall have a good relationship with your dad and his wife I think you made the wrong decision. Grief is hard and when you feel the people you care about don’t care about you in return it just amplifies the grief." ~ AffectionateSmoke777
"NTA. Is your daughter 'so young that she probably wouldn’t remember it anyway' or 'old enough to understand that her mom had something more important to do'? Which is it, grandpa?" ~ OkRefrigerator6681
"You have children and your first priority is to those children not senior citizens. If they are having trouble dealing with a sudden death of an old person then they should get some therapy."
Yes your daughter will have other recitals but every event will have special moments and you are not required to give those up for a funeral for someone. Living or dead."
"And before people pile on, I’m in my 60’s and have lost several people close to me but never made my children feel obligated to attend. My children can support me but are not responsible for my emotional regulation. NTA." ~ 4SeasonsDogmom
"She'd have to fly out of town to attend a funeral for someone she barely knew. That's not exactly easy when you have a child, and all the logistics that go into it."
"And a 5 year old absolutely might remember whether her mom was there or not. I remember my first dance recital at that age."
"I don't believe you have to be there in person to support loved ones. OP made the choice best for her family. She was clear from the start she wasn't able to attend and offered condolences." ~ lyssthebitchcalore
The OP provided a reaction to some recurring comments...
"I want to thank you all for your comments and insight on my original post, even if you decided I was in the wrong. I assure you I posted because I truly wanted alternate opinions, so I’m grateful for your feedback. There were, however, two things some people said that I still firmly disagree with."
"First, the claim that my father was asking me for support and I let him down. Based on his past behavior, he did not need or want my support. He wanted me to support his wife. He wasn’t fond of his mother-in-law."
"And both my father and his wife have a long history of wanting me and her to be closer than we are. I am perfectly fine with our current relationship and have no interest in bonding with her any further for a number of reasons."
"I’ll take the opportunity to state that my father and his wife have been married for six years and together for only a little longer. I was already an adult when I met her, and we have never been close. I consider her extended family, at best, and I did not consider her mother family."
"That is the main reason this didn’t constitute a family emergency to me. I literally met my husband before I met her mother. I have told my father I don’t really think of them as family several times, but he refuses to accept it."
"That leads me to the idea I could have used this as an opportunity to teach my daughter that sometimes plans have to change and it’s important to show up for family, which was the other claim I disagreed with. I agree it's important to teach kids that things don't always go according to plan."
"And realistically, I know I won't always be able to show up for my daughter. I have a career, another child and other commitments that might need to take priority sometimes."
"This was not one of those times. I wasn't close with my father's mother-in-law, and I was absolutely capable of being there for my daughter."
...followed by an update.
"As I’ve stated, there are things that were said that I disagree with, and I don’t expect that to change. But I also agreed with some who thought I was in the wrong."
"In particular, I agree I could have been more empathetic. I didn’t send flowers or a card, and saying my condolences was the bare minimum."
"I also completely disagree with those on my side who said they should have confirmed the date with me before scheduling the funeral if my presence was that important. I had no relation to the deceased, it wouldn’t be fair for her funeral to depend on my schedule."
"At first, I walked away from my first post almost as conflicted as I’d felt going in, but I definitely had a lot more insight. I contemplated the situation for a few days and managed to come to a few conclusions."
"I also ended up talking to a few people in my life. My husband was still very firmly on my side. My mother said I could have been more sensitive, but also that she’d probably have done the same thing I did."
"Then I talked to my younger sister, and it was during that conversation that I found out that not only had she not been pressured to attend the funeral, she hadn’t even been invited in the first place. She had spoken with our father several times since his mother-in-law died, but he hadn’t told her about anything besides the fact she’d passed."
"I was the only one he’d expected to attend."
"I think that was my breaking point. Not to sound childish, but why is it always me? Why do I always have to be the one expected to drop everything? Why does my father feel the need to keep pushing his wife and her family onto me and mine?"
"So in the end, my main conclusion was that this wasn’t just about the funeral. My father has always had unfair and unrealistic expectations of me, and I need to make it stop."
"I’ve decided to distance myself from my father and his wife for a while. I love him, but I need time, and he needs to accept that I have my own life. I’m also going back to therapy. I stopped a while ago, but I remember it helped."
"As for what will happen between me and my father, we’ll cross that bridge when we get there. Whenever he’s ready to have an honest conversation about everything that happened, he knows where I’ll be."
"Overall, I’ve decided what I did was wrong, but I’ve also accepted that I’d do it again."
"I don’t remember all of my recitals, school plays and events from when I was a kid, but I do remember my mom was there for all of them. Even if I can’t always be there for my children, they will always come first to me, and I’ll make sure they know that."
OP has their priorities set and is unlikely to shift them for someone they don't know well.
If that makes people decide they're an a**hole, they're OK with that.
