Funerals are big business in the United States.
The average amount paid for a coffin in the United States is between $2,000 and $5,000, but the price varies widely. Caskets cost as little as $500 for a very basic model, or as much as $10,000 or more for a customized or a casket made of premium materials.
Many people now pay ahead to get the funeral package of their choice and to spare their family the expense.
A person dealing with their fiancé’s family’s lack of planning turned to the “Am I The A**hole” (AITA) subReddit for feedback.
Doublecatlady asked:
“AITA for not paying for my fiancé’s mom’s funeral?”
The original poster (OP) explained:
“To make a long story short, my fiancé’s (35) mother recently passed. She was never really in his life (abandoned him at birth) and l (31) have only met her one time in the 8 years we’ve been together.”
“Recently she had come back into his life and they were on civil terms.”
“We got news from the hospital that she had died and they immediately wanted to know what funeral home we wanted to send her to. And of course, my fiancé decides he’s obligated to figure all of this out since his other siblings are MIA or incarcerated.”
“I recommended to him we just do something simple and keep it on the cheaper side since no one else will be helping financially and he doesn’t have any savings either. She also didn’t have any kind of life/burial insurance.”
“Well, today he surprises me after work with a $10k bill that he expects me to pay the majority of out of my savings because he can’t afford it. I will admit I did help pay for his dad’s cremation multiple years ago, but it wasn’t near the cost of what he’s wanting to do now.”
“We just recently moved into a more expensive apartment and at this point a 10 thousand dollar funeral is just not on the table, but he won’t budge.”
The OP summed up their situation.
“Refused to pay a $10k bill for my fiancé’s mother’s funeral, but helped pay for his father’s cremation that was admittedly a lot cheaper.”
Redditors weighed in by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors decided the OP was not the a**hole (NTA).
“NTA. It sounds like you already did your part supporting him in the past, but dropping $10K on a funeral for someone who wasn’t even really in his life?”
“That’s wild especially when y’all just moved and funds are tight. It’s not your responsibility to bankroll this and he needs to respect that.”
“Stay solid, but don’t let him guilt trip you into going broke.” ~ Younggod9
“Exactly, $10K is insane, especially since she wasn’t even really in his life. OP already helped before, so it’s not fair to expect them to cover this and wipe out their savings. NTA.” ~ Sad-Acanthaceae3366
“I’ve told my children several times that if they drop a penny into my dead body, I’d haunt them forever. I said take any spare money they might have and have one hell of an Irish wake!” ~ Cultural-Slice3925
“OP, tell him, ‘If this is what you want to do, you need to figure out how to afford it without involving me’. Then, let him decide what to do. It’s easy to spend someone else’s money. NTA.” ~ crystallz2000
“This post is a good reminder to give some thought to what you want to happen to your meat suit. Some funeral providers absolutely will leverage grief and the desire to bury your loved one quickly to get you to make unnecessarily expensive purchases.”
“Thinking ahead can help you find cheaper options, be clear about what you want and help your loved ones avoid those pressures. NTA, OP.” ~ 0biterdicta
“He’s 35 years old. She has already helped with the cost of cremation for his father. He has experienced death of a loved one before and there is no excuse.”
“It seems that he comes from a family that is not financially responsible. Neither one of his parents prepaid for funeral expenses, had life insurance, or had money set to the side to cover burial or cremation expenses.”
“She paid when his father died and he expected her to pay when his mother died. It seems from the outside looking in, he expects her to take care of him.”
“If he does not have the funds then it’s a pauper burial. I would not give him a dime. It’s in no way your responsibility, especially when the people affected didn’t care enough to plan.” ~ Lower-Cartoonist-665
“NTA. He signed up for it, he can pay it. And reconsider this relationship because that is insane.” ~ C_Majuscula
“This is a red flag, if he expected you to just participate in paying, he should have asked first and let you be part of the decision. This is likely a sign of future issues.” ~ kittenwhisperer1948
“NTA….HE won’t budge?! Oh no, no. You tell him you are not paying for his mother’s funeral.”
“That is not your responsibility. If anything, you will help towards cremation services, which are way cheaper, but you are not paying $10,000.”
“If that is what he wants, he can figure out a way to pay for it.” ~ Worth-Season3645
“WTF? Even if his mother was the most saintly person on Earth and was a wonderful mother to him, YOU are under no obligation to pay for her funeral. Especially when you didn’t agree to!”
“NTA and I would seriously reconsider this relationship. Is he generally a good guy and his grief made him do something stupid? Or does he take advantage of you often?” ~ CatsAreTheBest68
“🚩🚩🚩🚩 THIS IS YOUR LIFE, 10, 15 AND 20 YEARS FROM NOW!” ~ OK_Playboy_WhatNow
“I hate to say it, but given what you said about his family, there is a huge risk he is severely damaged. Do you really want a person like that in your life forever?”
“And NTA, of course.” ~ KopytoaMnouk
“NTA. He won’t budge? Then that’s a him problem to figure out the bill. Do not marry this entitled financially irresponsible person & do not let yourself get used. I’d be annoyed if anyone spent $10k on my funeral!” ~ UnusualPotato1515
“NTA—you did not agree to spend $10k. The fact that your fiancé just went ahead and spent that amount of money and just expected you to pay it is wild.” ~ her_ladyships_soap
“I’ve been married for 20 years and my husband wouldn’t even consider paying $10K for his parent’s funeral without talking to me FIRST.” ~ Pascale73
“NTA. I have done my own planning for funeral and cremation. If I die where I am, the cheapest I can get it done was $1,500 for basically instant cremation (straight from hospital to crematorium with no viewing/funeral).”
“I told my wife to take my ashes to an Irish pub and have a wake there. I even said to make it funny and start with them in a generic plastic bag and tell everyone I was a cheap a**.”
“I told her to do things as cheap as possible and piss any money away on whatever she wants. I have actually been designing and am going to make my own urn for the wake.” ~ Victor-Grimm
“Wow. For a 35-year-old with no savings, he’s sure free with yours. Sounds like you’ve been supporting him for years.”
“Wouldn’t it be cheaper to adopt him instead of marrying him? At least you might be able to justify him as a dependent.”
“Sounds like as a spouse, he’s just going to be dead weight. But you do you.” ~ CrazyOldBag
“What do you mean he won’t budge? He is demanding that you pay for a $10K funeral to which you never agreed.”
“You’re saying no. He can make his demands until the cows come home, that doesn’t mean you have to contribute one cent.”
“He can be as controlling and demanding and unreasonable as he likes; that doesn’t mean you have to allow yourself to be controlled!”
“If I were you, I’d be very worried about your fiancé thinking that he gets to demand your money after failing to save any of his own. As in, whatever is yours is his and he doesn’t have to consult you before allocating it.”
“This would be a very difficult mindset to live with in a marriage—you work and save, he spends without so much as consulting you? I don’t think so.”
“You need to have a very serious discussion about how finances work in your relationship, and about future spending and saving. If you don’t like his attitude or answers, then you also need to do some very serious thinking about what your future with this guy would look like.”
“NTA. He can plan whatever kind of funeral he likes that he can pay for. Done.” ~ Nester1953
“What’s the purpose of this elaborate funeral? His father is already deceased and his siblings are MIA or incarcerated.
“So who’s going to even attend this funeral? That’s a lot of money to spend on someone who seems to have burned all her bridges.”
“If there was ever a case for an as cheap as possible funeral, this is it.” ~ MohawMais
The OP provided an update.
“Thank you everyone for all your comments! They really opened my eyes.”
“No plans are set in stone at the moment, that was just the estimate they gave him for the service.”
“After talking to him tonight and explaining that I will NOT be footing the bill for any sort of big expensive funeral, he left the apartment, after a long argument, to stay with his grandmother and basically hasn’t spoke to me since.”
“We don’t have any combined finances/accounts, so at this point I’m just over it and he can stay gone for all I care.”
This is a lot to ask for a partner.
It’s sad that the OP was forced into a situation where they had to draw such clear boundaries.
Perhaps this grieving son will come around in time and realize you don’t need $10,000 to say goodbye.