Weddings can carry astronomical bills.
Who pays for it all?
Tradition says, parents.
But that tradition can be outdated.
This can all lead to a lot of family strife.
Redditor Ready-Hurry-8220 wanted to discuss their experience and get some feedback, so naturally, they came to the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subreddit.
They asked:
"AITA for not paying for my daughters wedding when I have the funds to do so?"
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
"My spouse and I have worked hard our whole lives, and we’re now in a very comfortable financial position."
"We could retire tomorrow if we wanted to, but we both enjoy working and plan to continue."
"We have three children, and we paid for all of their college educations so they graduated debt-free."
"We didn’t put any stipulations on what they could study."
"Looking back, maybe we should have."
"Two of our children have very solid careers, while one does not."
"This is about my daughter, whom I’ll call Maria."
"Maria earned a degree that doesn’t translate well into a high-paying career."
"She later went back to get her master’s degree, but that didn’t improve her earning potential either."
"She’s struggling financially, and there has been talk of her going back to school again for a nursing degree, although that would be a difficult transition."
"My spouse and I believe that if you’re mature enough to get married, you’re mature enough to pay for your own wedding."
"Our oldest child got married last year and paid for the wedding themselves."
"It was a lovely wedding."
"Our second child is getting married next month, and they are also paying for their own wedding, which will be fairly expensive."
"Maria recently got engaged, but she and her fiancé don’t have the money to have a wedding as her siblings did."
"She asked if we would pay for it."
"I told her no and said they should have the wedding that she and her future husband can afford."
"She was upset because she knew we had more than enough money to give her a fancy wedding like her siblings had."
"She thinks it’s unfair that she can’t have her dream wedding simply because she earns less than they do."
"I told her that’s just how life works."
"You pay for what you can afford."
"We don’t believe it’s our responsibility to pay for an adult child’s wedding."
"She thinks I’m being unfair and rubbing our money in her face by refusing to help."
The OP was left to wonder:
"So... AITA?"
Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed in on some options to the question, AITA:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You're The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Her
- INFO - More Information Needed
Redditors declared that OP was NOT the A-hole.
"She CAN have her dream wedding."
"She just needs to pay for it herself, as her siblings did."
"Your money is not hers to decide how to spend. NTA." ~ Hot-Freedom-5886
"Wanting a dream wedding and being able to afford one are two different things."
"Parents aren't obligated to fund an adult child's wedding." ~ Frost_Mist
"Also, there's very little else that is as much of a waste of money as a big wedding, in my honest opinion."
"You spend tens of thousands of dollars on one day, one party, and you get some nice photos and memories."
"The amount people pay for weddings could be a down payment on a home, or a new car, or a dream vacation."
"But instead, they pay it to get Uncle Ed drunk at an open bar."
"Lol... Nobody needs a big wedding, and nobody really cares about your wedding, but you." ~ Just-Like-My-Opinion
"NTA about the wedding, but you may love your daughter, but you don't seem to like or respect her."
"I bet she knows that."
"Hopefully, you don't let that attitude seep into your other children's view of her because it would suck for her whole family to think of her like that." ~ Both-Enthusiasm708
"I felt the same thing might be the case."
"It seems like the OP doesn’t really respect the fact that this child gravitated towards studying something that isn’t rewarded financially… instead of being proud they have a master's degree, they seem to look down on this child’s education." ~ Msdamgoode
"NTA for the situation."
"YTA for the way you talk about your youngest daughter in a negative light."
"You pretty much wrote this out as if you look at her as less than her siblings."
"Out of curiosity, did your other children ask for wedding money, and you say no?"
"This was left out of the story." ~ hopefulchewie
"I agree somewhat."
"While I agree you don’t need to fund her wedding."
"Just because she doesn’t choose a high-paying career doesn’t make her a bad person."
"You speak about her in a negative light, and I can’t help but wonder if you do treat her differently."
"The world needs people who choose different paths."
"What about offering support differently?"
"Can you help her find ways to make it look like a dream wedding on a lower budget?"
"Go with her to consignment stores to find a designer dress at a lower price?"
"Help her thrift cute centerpieces, etc., there are ways to support that don’t involve money."
"Maybe you’re doing all this, and it just didn’t come through in your description."
"NTA for money… maybe emotionally??"
"Everybody needs their mom!" ~ Jillber517
"Definitely NTA."
"You can use your other children as the reason if you want, by saying it wouldn't be fair to them if you paid for Maria's wedding."
"It doesn't matter that they make more money than she does; it would be a slap in their faces if you started treating Maria differently simply due to her financial position."
"If she came and asked you for financial help in order to pay rent or something, that would be an entirely different story."
"But no, she just wants a fancy wedding."
"Hard no." ~ billbar
"NTA - You can guide your children as much as you are able, but you are not responsible for their adult decisions or their adult mistakes."
"I would just fall back on the line that you didn't pay for their siblings' weddings, so it would not be fair to pay for hers. Period."
"She can wait and save if it's that important to her to have a lavish affair."
"I would also suggest gently guiding her to take a step back on all of this (marriage, career change, wedding), and really try to plan for her future."
"Career hopping is not necessarily a bad thing, but nursing is something you really need to love doing."
"I get that it's an in-demand job right now, but it is not for everyone." ~ LightBelowTheSnow
"NTA, I'm guessing you paid for her to get her master's and are willing to help her get her nursing degree."
"That's extremely fortunate for her that you guys are so willing to help them get going in life debt-free."
"I can see why Maria would be bummed with her siblings' weddings so recent, but comparison is the thief of joy; maybe they just have to save up longer to have the wedding they feel they deserve." ~ too-many-critters
"NTA. You are doing what you have done for your other children."
"She needs to learn how to live within her means, and that starts with having the wedding you can afford."
"Just because you could afford to pay for it doesn't mean you should." ~ jellybeannc
"NTA in my opinion, but I think that spending thousands on a wedding that lasts a single day is irresponsible."
"You should spend that money on your future."
"Also, how would your other kids feel after they worked hard to pay for their own?" ~ Cold_Swordfish7763
"NTA. Look at it this way, it would be totally unfair for you to pay for her wedding when you didn't pay for her siblings' wedding either."
"OP, you and your wife gave all your children a more than fair start in life."
"Each of them was free to choose their life paths and did."
"Your job as 'financiers' for them is over and done with."
"That doesn't mean you don't love and support them; it's just that whatever happens next is for each of them to figure out."
"You said quite rightly that she and her future spouse should opt for the wedding they can afford."
"Besides, there is more to marriage than the actual wedding, so she needs to do her research concerning how to have a nice wedding on a shoestring budget."
"It's very possible."
"But one thing you need to make clear to your daughter is that she has no right to watch everyone else's pockets."
"What you and your spouse have financially and what her siblings and their spouses have financially is none of her business." ~ moew4974
"NTA. She can be just as married at the courthouse as at an exotic venue."
"Does she want to get married or have a big party in a fancy dress?"
"Our wedding was budget, but plenty pretty."
"Paid for by ourselves."
"Almost three decades later, it barely even figures in our lives."
"We're too busy with everything else to sit down and go through the album."
"When we do, it's like we're looking at two strangers; everything is so different from back then."
"Most of the fancy weddings I've been to have been marred by divorce."
"A total waste of money."
"In fact, two marriages failed because of wedding debt."
"It's no way to build the background of a home."
"Time goes on, and the importance of our wedding fades into the distance."
"It's more important that we're married, devoted to each other, and are looking ahead, not behind." ~ Any_Community_1819
Reddit agrees with you, OP.
It's your money; you get to decide how it's spent.
Your daughter is learning a difficult lesson.
You're not trying to be cruel.
u/Prestigious-Focus63/Reddit
