Living within ones means is a foreign concept to some people. So much so that when someone says they can't afford something, they get pushback.
A wife turned to the "Am I The A**Hole" (AITAH) subReddit for feedback after her sister-in-law refused to take "we'll think about it" for an answer.
Similar to AITA, the AITAH subReddit allows posters to ask for advice and post about ending romantic relationships—both things that are banned on AITA. However, there are no required voting acronyms—only suggested ones—and no official final judgment declared.
Throwaway_phonecallz asked:
"AITAH for not wanting to do a vacation to celebrate my mother-in-law's (MIL’s) birthday?"
The original poster (OP) explained:
"My husband (29, male) and I (29, female) are in a group chat with my sister-in-law (SIL, 35, female) and my brother-in-law (BIL, 36, male). My SIL randomly texted the group letting us know that it’s my MIL's (59, female) 60th birthday this summer and that we need to plan it before it gets closer in date."
"She suggested we do a vacation out of the country, or a cruise with the whole family (siblings and partners) to celebrate it. My husband and I are a bit against it, not because we don’t care for my MIL (we do care for her) but we recently purchased a house, I’m in grad school, and we’re just concerned about our financial situation."
"We told my SIL that we’ll think about it for now, since it wouldn’t be until the mid-summer and we still have time to plan anyways. But if our financial situation isn’t looking great, we’ll let them know by December/February. Despite this, my SIL texted us reminding us of everything MIL does for the family, and how we should show gratitude by helping out with this trip."
"My husband and I just laughed a little when she said that because my MIL is notorious for overlooking my husband (middle child), to the point that other family members have pointed it out, and I can tell she feels a bit indifferent towards me (because of her remarks she has said to me as an aside), because I’m not from the same ethnicity as her (despite us both being the same race)."
"We both did suggest that maybe we should do a nice fancy dinner, hire some live music, and do something local instead. We also brought up our financial situation and how we would like to see how a couple of months of paying mortgage and bills goes first and reminded them I’m funding my own school at the moment."
"However, that was shot down and we were basically told everyone else has bills too."
"We also said we don’t always need to go do an international or big trip for every birthday or milestone, but their pushback was that it’s 60 which is a big milestone. I don’t disagree that being 60 is a big feat, but I feel like if they feel indebted to my MIL maybe it’s fine if they go on a trip with just her and my husband and I can do a nice dinner with her."
"But they keep pushing back saying 'family first'.
"Are we the a**holes for not wanting to do this vacation?"
"I also feel like they just want more people to go because whenever we vacation, they try to have other people babysit my niece who is a toddler, which we don’t mind, but it’s also exhausting."
Some Redditors weighed in by using the AITA voting acronyms:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA - You're The A**hole
- NAH - No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
- INFO - more information needed
Redditors decided the OP was
"NTA. Stop negotiating. Stop trying to find a compromise. Tell them exactly what you will be doing and don't humor any further conversation about this. Any time she pushes, do not reply." ~ JustAsICanBeSoCruel
"Yes and say 'our family, me and my husband, do come first and we aren't going into debt to make you happy. Any more messages of guilting about this will be met with being blocked'." ~ Feisty_Bag_5284
"In fact, poster should talk to her husband, and they should decide on their position together. Then husband can communicate this to his family. Typically each spouse talks to his own family about anything remotely sensitive. Unless husband has no spine." ~ Hagedoorn
"Exactly. Because sis doesn't care. She sounds like the sibling who always gets her way. She's already planning what to bring on the cruise!" ~ OfferRude3160
"Exactly. She wants a cruise and more people to chip in and also babysit. F*ck that noise. NTA. Let your middle child husband assert himself. You shouldn’t have to participate in this trip to keep the peace. Plan a nice dinner with or without the others as you said." ~ jd3marco
"I wondered if anyone else caught the 'help out' from SIL. The younger, childless, less-favored child's wife will 100% be imposed upon for childcare. If they were covering the costs and asking for help in advance, then maybe. But this expensive ambush is bull hockey." ~ nickbottomcurious
"Also, do not apologize for not being able to afford something." ~ latefortheskyagain
"Text her, 'Dear SIL/sis, We agree it's family first, we are family and we can't afford this cruise. So we are calling on family to help family and pay our way so we can celebrate with MIL/mom. We are so glad to be part of a family that puts the needs of its members as their top priority and we look forward to this wonderful trip'." ~ readergirl35
"Husband needs to be the one communicating, otherwise you’ll be painted as the ‘difficult’ ‘evil’ DIL who doesn’t want to celebrate MIL. You and your Husband can privately take MIL out for a nice dinner to celebrate her w/o family drama. Sounds like SIL wants to be the center of attention more than ‘celebrating’ the birthday." ~ phiyukyiuaireday
"Yeah, you are NTA, but your middle child hubby is going to have to grow that shiny backbone. They will bully you to spend money you don't have." ~ RaistlinWar48
"Yup. Also why are we texting so much about it? I would just make hubby call SIL, especially if they're siblings. Sometimes that's just more efficient and less pushback."
"If they want to do a vacation, they can! If OP wants to do a nice dinner, they can! More celebrations for mom, not everyone has to do the same thing."
"SIL probably wants them to split the cost or needs them to get a group discount, but if OP and hubby don't want to do that, just say 'hey you have your idea, I have mine'." ~ pinguiiflowith
"NTA. I turned 60 last week. It's really not a big deal." ~ justloriinky
"Agree. NTA. I turned 60 a couple of years ago and I had a blast. I booked a restaurant for lunch and paid for my friends and family to have a great meal. I did not expect anyone to buy me something that expensive as an international cruise, which, frankly, is way over the top as a gift." ~ hollyjazzy
"I had a nice dinner with my daughter and son-in-law, and then went disco dancing at a 70’s club! Wore a 60 and fabulous sash and tiara! People even bought drinks for me! It was a blast!" ~ Big_Manufacturer4921
"In some Asian cultures, turning 60 is a major milestone. Big parties and major celebrations. A legacy of when life expectancy was 35. NTA. There is no reason you and your husband should jeopardize your financial well-being for a vacation. It's that simple." ~ taewongun1895
"I turn 60 next month. My 'big plans' are to spend a night all alone in a cabin and enjoy quiet snd nature. Total cost…$200 all in."
"When I turned 50, I thought I might want to take a trip to Iceland. But the more research I did it just became a bit of a bummer. I like to go places solo. I still hope to go to the Faroe Islands 'someday'. But I don’t expect my family to fund that or accompany me." ~ Estilady
"Tell her, 'Sorry that doesn’t work for us'. Keep it on repeat. NTA." ~ Dingbats_are_cute
"No matter what you say—short of saying yes & offering to pay for MIL—you will receive pushback. Honestly, having been in this situation with my own sister-in-law (about my own mom) it will feel icky, but be the absolute best thing for you & your husband to set the boundaries now. Seriously." ~ Upstairs_Raise4006
"OMG, what is wrong with people that have no respect for others‽‽ Your idea that they take that cruise without you, and you two take her out to a special place for dinner, sounds like a win-win to me. Do not let them bully you into a trip that will put you in a bind financially."
"Their justifications are ridiculous. Also, she’s 60, not 75! 60 has never, in my world, been a huge milestone to celebrate in a big fashion. I agree with your thought process. On 11/28, I will turn 70, and I’m not thinking of it as a huge deal, but if I make it to 75, then I’ll make it special." ~ LynnD_DelrayBeach
"The 'family first' crap is code for 'we need you to pay up so we don't have to spend as much'. OP's husband needs to make it clear that family first really means we help each other out on meeting needs, not on spending money for things like expensive vacations."
"Then tell them again they are free to do what they want with their own money. And so are you. You choose to spend less because that's what you can afford." ~ Separate_Pumpkin_256
OP has already provided an answer to their sister-in-law's question.
The fact that she won't accept that answer isn't the OP's problem to solve. Time to stop negotiating and just end the discussion.
