Maintaining relationships with secondary family members may not continue into adulthood.
Stepsiblings and half-siblings may not even have a relationship to begin with if they didn't grow up in the same household, there's a big age gap, or lingering resentment over a divorce.
A wife and mother turned to the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subReddit for feedback over a family matter.
Girlihaveatheory asked:
"AITA for telling my mother-in-law (MIL) I won’t rearrange my 40th birthday trip for her family event?"
The original poster (OP) explained:
"I have a big birthday coming up, and all I want to do is take my kids and husband to Disneyland this January. This is for my 40th birthday and the first birthday since my dad passed away."
"It's going to be harder because my dad and I always celebrated our birthdays together. I'm on the 9th, and he's on the 3rd."
"The issue is, my mother-in-law (MIL) is going to be out of the country for the holidays this year. She wants me to move my schedule around to have this big cousin event so all the kids can get together."
"I gave her a couple of options, and neither of them worked for her. To make it harder, it's with cousins that my kids don't really know. My husband and I aren't close to his half-siblings, and we haven't seen them in over 5 years."
"Why should I change my travel and birthday plans for people who haven't cared to reach out or spend any time with my family?"
"My husband wanted me to coordinate the dates with his mom to get me involved. Normally, she coordinates everything with him, and I kind of just go along. He's 100% behind me on this. Since I'm making the plans and dates, he wanted me to communicate that with her."
"She's trying to take advantage of us being in the area. The cousins live near Disneyland. We live further away and rarely go down. We haven't been in the area since before Covid."
"So, I'm frustrated with this situation because she knows I've planned this, but wants all the cousins to get together since we're already in the area. I gave suggestions to get the kids to meet up in downtown Disney, but she didn't want to do it."
"I finally told her and my husband that this is not the right time or vacation for us to visit with them. Could I have communicated that better? Probably."
"My husband stands by me. It's hard because his mom is putting him in the middle of all this."
"It's stressful enough during that time because I won't be celebrating with my dad. The last thing I want to do is rush through the parks to make time for people who can't make time for me."
"Like I mentioned earlier, why am I going to meet up with people that haven't been in my life or my kids' lives for over 5 years? Especially when this is such a huge birthday, and the first one without my dad."
"She's now mad at me and not talking to me about this."
Redditors weighed in using the AITA voting acronyms:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA - You're The A**hole
- NAH - No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
- INFO - more information needed
Redditors decided the OP was not the a**hole (NTA).
"You shouldn’t rearrange anything. ‘That’s not going to work for us’ is the end of it." ~ AssistantOk1481
"And you don't live for her approval and her plans, OP. This trip was about your birthday, spending time with your nuclear family and remembrance for your father. It was not whatever she's trying to turn it into."
"If you tried to accommodate them within your plans, but it didn't work out, then that's fine. If it's so important for her for this meeting to happen, then she should schedule it for next year with plenty of advanced notice, not around your birthday, and before you already make plans."
"Her not speaking to you shouldn't even be a thing you think about. You never were planning to get together with these people. You were going there for something altogether different and to be honest? Her insisting on horning in on those plans is rude and inconsiderate."
"Do your own thing, NTA. She got mad and eventually, she'll get glad." ~ moew4974
"I'm sure she'll be back in touch when she wants something." ~ aloudcitybus
"Enjoy the silence. Let your husband deal with his mother. 'That won't work for us and you refused every alternative offered'." ~ Equal-Jicama-5989
"You dont really know that side of the family, just go do your own thing." ~ No_Communication1557
"That's another good reason that I was thinking about when I was reading OP's post. When my dad married my mom, he had been divorced, so my mom was his second wife, and I didn't know until I was a teen that I had an older 1/2 brother and sister."
"First of all, that answered why we didn't attend all of the family events I would hear about. Second, as we got older, because we ended up moving 35 miles away from the city where I was born, I was hardly seeing anybody anyway."
"So, as an adult, my parents would still ask my brother and me to attend different family events, and I would politely decline when I knew that I wasn't going to know anybody well enough to come out."
"I know some might say that it's an opportunity to reconnect but when you don't have a strong foundation from earlier in life, and you feel like you're not really going to be missed anyway, I felt fine doing my own thing." ~ TallTinTX
"You don't owe them anything, and your husband should be taking the lead on this one. Your husband needs to tell his mother, 'Sorry, we can't make it on those days, ' and stick to it. NTA." ~ wesmorgan1
"NTA. You should tell her that if it's important enough to ask you to rearrange your plans, it should be important enough for her to rearrange hers." ~ Adept-One-819
"NTA - MIL is putting out an invitation. You can decline it."
"If you want to be sassy, say 'it's been five years, another half decade isn't going to make much of difference' or alternatively 'This trip is very important to us, and has been in our schedule for a long time. It's my milestone birthday and the first time I haven't celebrated my father's birthday. This is far more important to us than meeting cousins who we've not seen for five years'."
"MIL is out of the country for the festivities, so she's prioritized her needs over spending time with her grandchildren. So pot and kettle should be introduced." ~ Jonathan-Welford
"Excellent point. MiL prioritized her holiday trip away from family and has subsequently asked everyone else to rearrange their travel plans because of it."
"She should be gracious in understanding that someone else may already have scheduled conflicting travel plans, because they chose to spend the holidays with family. NTA." ~ Holden3DStudio
"No, this is already planned, and just make it non-negotiable. NTA. She is very comfortable asking you to work around her schedule and you should be just as comfortable letting her know yours. Practice saying 'we will be away at that time'." ~ alicat777777
"NTA - you’re an adult, MIL is an adult, you’re both responsible for your own lives and schedules, not for each other’s. Whilst it’s reasonable enough for her to ask a family member to move things around on her behalf, it’s not reasonable for her to expect it to be granted."
"Your reasons for declining in terms of the event itself are also completely valid, but to be honest you don’t even need those - it’s not your job to make her plans work and that’s all that really matters." ~ BanterPhobic
"So the dates that work for you don’t work for her? Tell her to cancel her holiday plans. If it’s ridiculous for you to expect that of her, then the same can be said for her expectations of you. NTA." ~ Yaaauw
"It’s very simple: 'Sorry, we have booked a trip months ago and can’t move anything, totally understand if you want to host this without us, or here are dates we could do'."
"Then just nothing to discuss further. You have plans, they aren’t simple plans, and it’s what you’d prefer to do." ~ mfruitfly
OP provided a synopsis of where things stand.
"Right now, my MiL isn't talking to me and is upset. After she told me the options I gave her didn't work, I told her part of me had a hard time with this because we haven't seen my husband's half-sisters in over 5 years."
"They didn't reach out when I got married, had my son, my dad got sick and passed away, and had my daughter. My dad passed away 2 weeks before I had my daughter. So, this birthday trip was something that was really special for me this year."
"My husband wanted me to coordinate with her because she normally leaves me out of plans for our family. This is a woman who planned my husband's 35th birthday party at her house 2 hours away, during the week when I had work and couldn't be there."
"Not to mention I was pregnant, and it was our first birthday celebrating as a married couple. So, he wanted me to coordinate my plans with her because she wanted to get the cousins together."
The mother-in-law's invitation isn't a summons.
OP has given her answer. If MIL can't accept it, that's her problem.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp