Sometimes, parents want a break from their kids. But is everyone in their orbit responsible for providing that break?
Is everyone around them required to provide free childcare when a parent has other things they'd rather do than watch their own kid?
A child free sibling turned to the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subReddit for feedback after getting pressure from their mother and sister to provide free babysitting on a family vacation.
Shoddy_Push1868 asked:
"AITA for wanting to enjoy Disney at my own pace instead of doing everything together as a family?"
The original poster (OP) explained:
"During planning, it was suggested that each adult/family take turns 'on duty' at night, meaning leaving the parks early, to watch the kid. I said my wife and I are there to enjoy the parks ourselves, not follow a rotating schedule built around someone else’s child."
"My mom and sister feel strongly that this is supposed to be a 'tight family' trip and that all experiences should be shared together, parks, meals, evenings, all of it."
"I feel like everyone paid their own way and should be able to enjoy the trip the way they want, without being obligated to move at the pace of a group with a toddler or leave early for someone else’s kid.
"This has caused real tension with my sister and mom especially. They think I’m not being a team player."
"I think a shared family trip doesn’t mean six adults have to sacrifice their own experience for one kid’s bedtime."
"AITA for wanting to do our own thing at Disney instead of being one big group the whole time?"
Redditors weighed in using the AITA voting acronyms:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA - You're The A**hole
- NAH - No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
- INFO - more information needed
Redditors decided the OP was not the a**hole (NTA).
"NTA. You’re not responsible for giving up your time to babysit. Also this makes no sense with this many adults with only one child in the group, staying together the entire time."
"So everyone is going to only ride the kiddie rides, and not the adult rides the kid can’t ride? Or you’re all going to take turns with the kid and have to take up a ton of time riding on a rotating schedule because you can’t split up?" ~ kbmn16
"NTA. Coerced babysitting is terrible. I could see if different couples who have parents maybe swap babysitting duties, but expecting the childfree couples to babysit is just crap." ~anglflw
"I completely agree with you. What family fails to realize on trips is their responsibility is NOT your responsibility."
"If the parents wanted to have the FULL ADULT experience at Disney they should've found arrangements for their child. Always irritating when parents try and push their kids on other people. Especially if the other people are child free.
"Having the child was their decision NOT yours. Enjoy your trip they will get over it." ~Kiki_515
"This is also annoying when you have children. My child is much older and when I’m treated like I shouldn’t mind watching someone else’s kid because I have one I get super annoyed. Mine can be fully independent, why would I want to be responsible for your toddler?" ~Jillandjay
"Swapping babysitting is having a 'village' to help with the kids. Asking the child free people to do it is entitlement." ~PookieCat415
"Yeah exactly…I think there’s a difference between wanting to spend time together as a family and expecting everyone to structure their entire trip around the kid's schedule. The parents are responsible for the kids and everyone else should be able to enjoy the trip they paid for." ~silverXwoods
"That's why they are so insistent! They are counting on OP to be a free babysitter every couple of days so they can go out and enjoy themselves." ~Effective-Dog-6201
"NTA. The parents are responsible for their child. If other relatives want to volunteer to watch the child for a night, they can offer, but they shouldn't be required to babysit."
"Nor, as adults, should you be forced to spend the entire time with your family. Especially if you are paying for your portion of the trip."
"It sounds like you and your wife should just skip this trip and book your own Disney vacation, at a different time." ~Wild_Ticket1413
"I would go, but they cannot force you to hang out with them. Just say 'we are staying at the park, see you later' and catch your own ride back. Hopefully you are in a hotel and not sharing an AirBNB because that brings its own annoyances." ~accioagua
"Sis and Mom think everyone should join in, but will EVERYONE do this a few years down the line when the current toddler is a teen and YOU possibly have a toddler or two? Doubtful, so absolutely NTA, and enjoy Disney!" ~brneyedgrrl
"Yes to all of this. Parents are responsible for their kids. Everybody else is on a volunteer only basis. Not your kids, not your problem."
"I'd do exactly what you said and plan my own disney vacation.This makes me mad as a parent of an under-5 kid. The audacity of these people to hand off their own kid at Disney of all places. Geez." ~bustedbiscuit4
"NTA. Look. My brother has a bunch of kids. I got a couple. My mom came to Disney with me twice. Why? She knows I’ll never expect her to watch my kids. Because… they are my kids."
"She does her own thing, stays at the room, reads a book… whatever."
"'Tight family trip'? WTF does that mean? If you have a kid, you watch the kid. If grandma wants to be a kind person and take a turn, go for it, lady! But you are absolutely not responsible." ~HereNorThere123
"They only wanted a 'tight family trip' to get free babysitting out of people who have no responsiblity to give up their time to babysit." ~ Dangerous_Ant3260
"It’s suddenly less tight when the parents of the kids want to go off and do their own thing while pawning their kids off on someone else. I hate this idea that child free people should be the ones to give people with kids 'time off' by sacrificing their vacation time."
"I have kids; I’m a single parent. I’d never, ever, ever expect my child free family members to cut into their vacation time because I feel like I’m entitled to kid free time." ~Andee_outside
"Yeah, if it's a 'tight family trip' and it's important for everyone to experience everything together, they'd want OP and their wife there too, not sent back to the room with the kids."
"It also sounds like a recipe for misery, because people at different ages have different energy levels and different interests, and probably everyone will be happier if they can split off sometimes." ~ OkSecretary1231
"It means that OP was invited specifically for childcare." ~ehs06702
"Let's be real, babysitting at Disney/on vacation is so different than babysitting at home! And you either volunteer to babysit or you get paid for it, doubly so on vacation!" ~ Lows-andHighs
"The 'tight family trip' thing sounds miserable to me even before the expectation to babysit. A party of seven is too big in my opinion to stick together at all times throughout a Disney trip."
"Every time I've gone with a group that big, we've done big chunks of time together, but also split off into smaller groups for hours at a time. You're just not going to get seven people on the same page all day every day; everyone's going to have different things they do or don't want to do and that goes double if just one of the seven is a young child and the rest are adults."
"Admittedly, we don't have all the info, but a trip where one is expected to spend every moment with the entire party except for when it's your turn to sit and twiddle your thumbs in a hotel room with a toddler...eesh. Absolutely would not pay my own money to go on that trip. Come to that, I think it'd be a hard sell even if the family members making those demands were paying my way." ~YawningDodo
"Let me guess - sis is the only one with kids and grandma doesn’t want to babysit all the time. You are reasonable so just do your own thing." ~ WoollyMammothwapo
"If there were multiple couples with children & each of those couples took a turn being 'on duty' while the kids were sleeping, so that the other couples could enjoy a late dinner or something, then that would make total sense to me."
"Everyone involved benefits that they get a turn doing something together as a couple while their children are being safely cared for."
"But it doesn’t make sense to include childless couples in the rotation because they’re not gaining anything from the situation." ~ baffled_soap
"As someone with young kids, NTA. Especially if everyone paid their own way. Maybe you guys can do a loose schedule that prioritizes the stuff everyone wants to do together at times that work for the kid, but part of the reality of having kids is missing out on stuff to put the kid's needs first." ~ HollyJandra
"Yeah. When my kids were little, we all started the day together, but my husband and I took the kids back for a midday nap. We had an AirBNB together so we made dinner before going back for a couple hours in the evening. Grandma and Grandpa almost always came back with us."
"My siblings and their spouses sometimes came back with us and sometimes did their own thing (or rode a few of the big rides and then came back for dinner). When we left to put the kids to bed, my siblings always stayed and did all the big rides my kids couldn't go on then."
"One night my parents took the kids back so my husband and I could get some big rides in, but I was grateful for that, not demanding it. In our case, my siblings wanted to see Disney magic through their niece and nephew's eyes. No one would have cared if they wanted to break off during the day and do their own thing while we did something else with the kids."
"The best idea I've seen for families who have more varied interests is to agree on a first and last ride of the day. So everyone goes on one ride together and then they split up and do their own thing. At an agreed upon meet-up time, everyone gets together to go on a last ride before leaving the parks."
"In OP's family that would have to be an artificial 'last' ride for the kid, but it could still work to do a 'last' ride together before sister or mom take the kid back for the night." ~ Ijustreadalot
OP and his wife aren't responsible for anyone else's kid.
If the parents don't want the responsibility of a child, they shouldn't have had one.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp