Mom Refuses To Take Stepkids On Disney Vacation Without Their Dad Since They Don't Listen To Her

As lovely as it is to imagine two families coming together into one cohesive group, sometimes it doesn't get to be that magical.

Even when Disney is involved, pointed out the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.

Redditor Humble-Classroom4235 had been married for the past five years, and while she cared about her two stepdaughters, she felt that the teen and preteen never respected her or listened to her, let alone saw her as any sort of mother figure.

When the family planned to go to Disneyland, but her husband could not attend to help with the children, the Original Poster (OP) was criticized after admitting she did not feel safe taking her stepdaughters, simply because she feared they would not listen to her and get lost in the soon-to-be-no-longer-magical park.

She asked the sub:

"Am I overreacting by refusing to take my stepkids on vacation without their dad?"

The OP became a stepmom and a mom when she got married.

"I’m 34 (Female), and my husband is 37 (Male). We’ve been together for about five years and have a three-year-old daughter together."

"He also has two daughters from a previous relationship, who are 13 and 11."

"Every year, my family takes a big vacation together. Sometimes it’s Disney World or Disneyland, sometimes a beach trip, a cabin, a cruise, or even trips out of the country. Over the years, we’ve gone to places like Canada, Mexico, and New York."

"I have taken my stepkids on family trips before, but only when my husband is also there. If he can’t go, I don’t take them."

The OP's stepdaughters did not listen to or respect her.

"The reason is not that I don’t care about them. It’s that they don’t really listen to me or respect me in a parental role, and it becomes stressful in crowded places."

"They tend to wander off in stores, ignore instructions, and say things like, 'You’re not my mom,' when I try to correct them."

"A few weeks ago, one of them even wandered off in Walmart without telling me while I was shopping. I didn’t know where she went and panicked trying to find her. She was just in the makeup aisle, but I had no idea at the time, and it really scared me."

"After that, my husband and their mom both talked to them about safety and listening, and they promised they would do better. But I honestly still feel uneasy about it."

The OP didn't feel comfortable taking her stepdaughters on the next family trip without her husband present.

"This year, my nephew is graduating, and my family picked California and Disneyland for our trip."

"My husband can’t go because of work, so I told him I don’t feel comfortable taking the girls this year."

"The girls are upset and say they haven’t been on a 'real' fun trip in about two years. I reminded them that we did take them on a winter cabin trip this year, but they don’t really count that the same way."

"After that, my husband and their mom talked to them again. The girls promised they would behave and stay with the group, but I still don’t fully trust it."

The OP felt increasingly conflicted and pressured to take her stepdaughters along.

"I told my husband I don’t want to be responsible if something happens while we’re out of state."

"I love them, but I also feel like I’m not their parent, and if they ignore me and something goes wrong, I would be blamed."

"My husband thinks I should give them another chance and let them go. Their mom understands my concerns, but she also thinks I should just try."

"I feel like this isn’t about punishment, it’s about safety and knowing my limits. I don’t feel confident managing them alone in a crowded place while also watching my three-year-old."

"AIO for refusing to take my stepkids on vacation without their dad?"

Fellow Redditors weighed in:

• NOR: Not Overreacting
• YOR: You're Overreacting

Some reassured the OP that the stepdaughters couldn't safely go until they demonstrated they would listen.

"If they still haven't demonstrated that they can listen and respect your parental role, then stick to your guns."

"Hubby, his ex, and the kids saying, 'This time it will be different,' because they want a free trip to Disneyland and will leave you as soon as they get through the park gates, isn't worth the paper it's printed on."

"NOR. Tell them they can come on the next trip if they can show a consistent pattern of respecting your role when they are with you alone. This is simply a consequence of their existing behavior, not a punishment."

"You are happy to take them if you can trust them to mind the rules, but they have not earned that trust back yet." - sitnquiet

"NOR. You’re not comfortable. They don’t listen. It’s supposed to be a celebration, and the final answer is no."

"You won’t enjoy yourself, and neither will any of your family."

"This may bring about a 'ban' on them or your family participating in the larger yearly vacay if it goes off the rails."

"Let’s face it, it will. Your kid is three, and they are 11 and 13. It’s a known recipe for disaster, and your husband and his ex know it."

"Stand your ground. Not this time." - brandypayne44

"NOR. They won't listen to OP on the trip; they don't care. The kids are plenty old enough to act like decent people, and they don't. What happens when they disappear in another state? This trip has disaster written all over it. If parents want to take the girls somewhere, they can do it."

"Also, will parents give you authorization to take the kids out of state, and for medical decisions if something happens? Why should you babysit them, and why should your family pay the kids' expenses?" - Dangerous_Ant3260

"Two adults are needed. A three-year-old isn’t tall enough for the rides that the 11- and 13-year-olds will enjoy, so they will inevitably wander off to find fun, no matter who is watching them. The three-year-old will also need downtime."

"If the OP has a single-parent family member with similarly-aged kids, this would work out fine, assuming kids were well-behaved. If not, even kids who do mind can’t be adequately supervised under these circumstances."

"If hubby wants his kids (who don't mind) to go, he would need to pay a babysitter to go along. That spread at that place isn’t a one-man job. And, kids who mind means that they have a convincing track record of it, not a promise of it." - LizardintheSun

"They don’t respect OP, and they absolutely need to. OP is married to their father and the mother of their younger sister."

"The kids were eight and six when they got together. It’s not explicitly mentioned in the post, but I am assuming that mom and dad split custody of their kids. OP is actively raising his children right alongside him, pouring time, money, and resources into their well-being."

"Those children don’t need to address her as 'Mom,' BUT they most certainly need to respect her as one. Especially if they are living any parts of their lives in her house."

"They are old enough and have known the OP for way too long to make the correct decisions, and they are choosing not to. Whether they like it or not, they need adult supervision, and OP is it when they're with her."

"This is not new behavior, and I suspect the ex-wife and even their dad are not encouraging them to do better."

"That just means no trip for them and more one-on-one time for the OP with her youngest daughter." - Key-Neighborhood-781

Others agreed, simply pointing out that actions have consequences. Not going was the consequence of not listening.

"Actions have consequences."

"If they want to be considered for 'real fun' vacations like Disneyland and keep your trust in general, then they shouldn't act like s**ts on regular trips to the store. A few weeks ago is recent enough that they don't get an immediate reprieve from their actions."

"They don't have to specifically respect you in a 'parent role,' but they should respect you in the 'responsible adult' role, and they currently do not."

"Besides, ages 11 and 13 are a LOT older than three; you'll be busy riding the teacups with your toddler, and they'll want to ride 'Pirates of the Caribbean' and 'Indiana Jones.' What then? You won't have another responsible adult present to escort them to the fun preteen rides; they'll be bored standing around in Mickey's Toontown."

"Would one of your family members want to spend their vacation taking the girls on the fun rides, or other niblings around the same age? If you don't have another responsible adult who would escort them on the fun rides, it just sounds like a recipe for disaster."

"Or a beach day. Your toddler will be content building sand castles, and the stepkids will want to go body surfing... how do you split your attention? It's not only that they don't listen to you, but also that you don't have two responsible adults available to take two different age groups to do normal vacation activities."

"NOR." - mthockeydad

"There is no way that a teen and a preteen are going to want to be anywhere at Disneyland that would be fun for a toddler. OP is just setting this trip up to be a disaster."

"The minute they get to the park, they will be off on their own and out of touch. OP will be stressing the whole time, and her toddler and the rest of her family will pay the price."

"This is a hard no." - IntrepidMuch

"I was going to say something like this. They need to prove they can behave before they are rewarded with such a gift."

"And not only do they need to prove it, but they also need to prove it repeatedly, over a period of time. They need to have been habitually respectful for a good, long while, until you feel confident that this is now normal behavior on their part."

"Maybe tell them that they can’t go to Disneyland this year, but if they clean up their acts, next year’s vacation will be DisneyWORLD, or some other vacation that kids their age would be super stoked about?" - 2ndmezzo

"This is a great opportunity to teach those kids about trust and what it takes to build it back once you break it. I hope dad and mom are up to this task and use this for the opportunity it is."

"NOR, I also would not trust them. Actions always speak louder than words. It's really easy to say you change, but harder to show it consistently. There isn't enough time to build the trust before the trip IMO, so they miss this one, but maybe the next." - CuriousPenguinSocks

"'You’re not my mom' also means they aren’t 'your daughters,' and you don’t have to take children on vacation who aren’t yours on YOUR family's trip on your family's dime."

"Their disrespect isn’t going to suddenly disappear because they are at Disneyland. The girls need to demonstrate they can be respectful and follow the rules BEFORE they get to go on a vacation with only OP."

"Being respectful and listening to OP is simply basic good manners. The girls do not get a pass on being polite because she’s their stepmother."

"And this has already been pointed out, but they WILL be bored with the kiddie rides at Disneyland. The three-year-old won’t even be able to go on the rides that their older sisters will want to do. There would be lots of extra standing and waiting around for rides to finish by everyone in addition to the usual long lines, and no one will be happy." - FormerRep6

"This is a husband problem just as much as it is a stepkid problem."

"The quiet part the husband isn’t saying out loud is that when OP is on vacation, he loses his unpaid parental labor taking care of the household. He’ll be his kids’ full-time caretaker while she’s gone, including cooking, shopping, transport, and ensuring the kids don’t disappear on his time."

"If he were truly parenting while the kids are in their household, the 'respect your stepparent' would be established because he’d be right alongside OP correcting the behavior while it’s happening (because isn’t custody about ensuring quality time with the parent who has it?)."

"Instead, he just uses her as their full-time housekeeper/chef/babysitter so he can work/live in peace. The 'peace' goes away when she’s at Disneyland with her family (which hardly sounds like a vacation toting a three-year-old around, but will be far more peaceful with JUST keeping one kiddo alive and safe, rather than three)."

"Bet he magically finds some vacation time at work long enough to book OP as a caretaker of three before finding a sudden work crisis that doesn’t allow him to go. He thought he was getting a week to hang out without anyone around."

"The girls shouldn’t go to Disneyland even if he can suddenly attend; it’s stepmom’s family’s vacation. If she’s not family at home, then they shouldn’t assume her nephew’s graduation trip is any of their business."

"Definitely NOR. Stand your ground and try to make sure your husband is taking more responsibility for all his children (he should be at Walmart with all of you)." - TitanAME

As much as the OP's husband and his ex-wife wanted her to take her stepdaughters to Disney with her side of the family, the truth of the matter was that it was more of a safety concern than the adults gave it credit for.

If the OP couldn't keep track of the girls at a Walmart because they wouldn't listen and disrespected her frequently, it would take no time at all for them to disappear into Disney to go to a shop, restaurant, or ride that they wanted, only to pin all the blame on the OP later for letting them get lost.