Raising kids is a tough experience.
You hope they’re going to be the best they can be.
You can’t wait for them to be parents, so that you can see how the legacy continues.
It’s beautiful… until it’s not.
Case in point…
Redditor DisneyTripGrandma wanted to discuss her story for some feedback. So naturally she came to visit the “Am I The A**hole” (AITA) subReddit.
She asked:
“AITA for demanding my son take his daughter on his family trip to Disneyland?”
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
“I got pregnant with my son Julius (28) about a month after my 18th birthday.”
“I tried to do my best for him and he got into a good engineering school but at 19, he got his then girlfriend Iza pregnant and they had Annabella together.”
“I’ve been the one who has mostly raised her (Iza got deported but they spend July together and F[ace]T[ime] every night).”
“Julius got married to his girlfriend Katja after graduation and they have two wonderful boys together.”
“Annabella lives with me and not with them.”
“The thing is, Julius never spends any time with Annabella.”
“He doesn’t even call to say goodnight. But she loves him so much.”
“It’s like once a month, he’ll show up with a box full of toys, spend a day with her and then go back to his family.”
“It hurts her so much that he doesn’t spend time with her because he’s her hero.”
“I’m just grandma.”
“And no, he doesn’t act this way because of his wife.”
“Katja would love to have Annabella move in with them, she once brought up the idea and she went on about all the things they could do together.”
“She would love to be her stepmom, calls her princess, sweetie and so many nice nicknames.”
“The only reason they haven’t is because Julius has said she should stay with me.”
“A few days ago, Julius told me that he and Katja were planning a trip to Disneyland in August.”
“I told him that Annabella would be so excited and he should tell her on her birthday and he just blankly told me she’s not coming and the trip is for his boys.”
“I made it clear to him that he needed to bring her on the trip and he just called me an a**hole – which he’s never done before – for trying to control him.”
“I admit that I was a bit controlling in my reaction but I don’t think I went that far.”
Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed some options to the question AITA?:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors declared our OP was NOT the A**hole.
It’s a tricky situation.
Let’s hear some thoughts…
“So he just pawned his child off on you for eternity? Does he send you child support?”
“Does he make any actual effort to be a father to his daughter? NTA.” ~ fridgepickle
“OP says he shows up once a month with a box of toys so i’m inclined to think that he doesn’t.”
“it’s wonderful that OP is selflessly providing for Annabella but he needs to step up as her father and actually contribute. NTA.” ~ tulipbunnys
“I’m thinking he wants nothing to do with his daughter because she’s a girl and he has a perfect family with two boys.”
“OP should sue him for child support, and make custody arrangements for him to legally take his daughter.”
“It’s not gonna be too much longer before his daughter realizes her dad wants nothing to do with her and she’s going to grow resentful.”
“And of course, if he’s going to be a giant fool, grandma is still the way to go.”
“But that doesn’t mean op shouldn’t take him to court and make him pay child support.”
“Because he should be at least doing that.” ~ Emmiburr
“Does op put her on her taxes? Or does dad.”
“If it’s been dad he needs to stop and op needs to add her as dependent on taxes so she gets the credit.”
“He should be paying child support to her.”
“Does your son get child support from her mother?”
“If so they are so wrong because he would get child support but not have the child I would find this info. NTA.” ~ amaerau03
“NTA. This man has abandoned his daughter.”
“I wouldn’t be surprised if he only brings the toys because his wife makes him.”
“That said, I wouldn’t recommend forcing this trip.”
“His resentment will definitely spill over onto her, and she won’t have that great of a time.” ~ Impossible-Pause3788
“Time to start involving the wife.”
“It may be meddling, but in this case I think the kid deserves a chance in case the meddling works.”
“Invite her over for a tea party or try to bring the kids together for a play date at the park, you, the girl, your D[aughter] I[n] L[aw], and her sons.”
“Your son/their dad’s presence is not required since he seems unwilling.”
“Start blending the family so this girl has someone besides you in her life (you seem to be doing great, no dig at you) and someone besides her deadbeat dad to idolize.”
“I wonder if your son is sexist and doesn’t want a daughter or if there’s some other equally bull reason he’s decided to abandon her.”
“Why did you become the girls legal guardian? NTA.” ~ Plantsandanger
“As bad as this may sound.”
“Your granddaughter might be better off learning the truth about her dad. and how he refuses to include her in trips like this.”
“She is going to have issues as she gets older.”
“And she will find out sooner or later that her stepmother wanted her to come and live with them, but her dad said no.”
“All this is just setting her up for one disappointment after another.” ~ pkma2
“You can’t force your son to be a good dad or good human being, but NTA for trying.”
“You don’t by any chance have the money to take your granddaughter to Disney World I suppose?”
“You’re not just Grandma, you’re Annabella’s main guardian.”
“Your son abdicated his position as parent. Is therapy an option?”
“Annabella has already been hurt by her ‘dad,’ she subconsciously knows she’s least loved.”
“I think the moment your son refused to take in Annabella he should have been cut out of her life, but I get that it’s easier said than done.”
“Therapy first if it is an option, Disneyland second if it’s an option.”
“Stop seeing yourself as ‘just’ Grandma, you’re that child’s GrandMamma Bear.”
“Julius only sees her once a month so he no longer that girl’s daddy.”
“If he took her in he would treat Annabella like a second class citizen with her stepmom trying to protect her.”
“Do you have any grounds for fully custody and more importantly do you want full custody?”
“Keep texts and e-mails as records if you do.” ~ FloppyEaredDog
OP came back with some feelings to sort out…
“I know I failed my son somehow and somewhere down the line. I know I did.”
“I know I can’t put him ahead of Annabella but I can’t stop being there for him either.”
“I don’t want to be the teen mom who just gave up on her son.”
“As much as he’s changed and as much as I don’t like who he’s become, I’m his mom, it’s my fault I didn’t do a better job.”
“I know people will say he’s an adult it’s not my fault but it is I will always be his mom.”
“When I look at him I don’t see a grown man like the world does, I still see the little baby that he was.”
“If the best way to teach him what he’s done is no longer giving him a chance than that is what I’ll do I just don’t know if it is the best way.”
“OP, I don’t mean to be harsh, but you are failing your son right now by enabling him to treat his daughter this way.”
“You’re letting him dispose of his own child with zero consequences because you’re picking up all his responsibilities.”
“You need to STOP.”
“Now you can’t exactly just tell your son you aren’t going to care for her anymore because then an innocent kid is going to be forced into being with a man that doesn’t care for her and resents her.”
“But you need to stand up for Annabella and let your son know what an AH he is being to his kid.”
“I honestly feel that you should cut contact with him entirely for a long time and demand/sue for child support from him, so he understands what it feels like to be abandoned by a parent.”
“And he is an ADULT.”
“Not a little kid that did nothing wrong, but an adult that chose to treat his own little girl like she doesn’t deserve his love or attention.”
“Maybe he’s your baby and that’s how you see him, but you need to realize that you’re enabling him by letting him treat her like this.” ~ ThatKinkyLady
“NTA. What is up with your son???”
“He has 3 children, but completely abandoned one of them.”
“I know you probably won’t want this, but would a better option be for her to live with her mother?”
“Your son is the HUGE a**hole here.” ~ DisneyBuckeye
Well OP can count on Reddit to have a chat with her son if she can’t.
This is a rough situation.
Sorry you’re in such a bad spot OP.
Hopefully this family can find a peaceful path forward.