Words matter.
Words have power, for good and bad.
That is a life lesson far too many people learn too late in life.
This is why younger generations often speak before thinking.
That can cause some drama.
Redditor exbfandmycat wanted to discuss her experience and get some feedback, so naturally, she came to the “Am I The A**hole” (AITA) subreddit.
She asked:
“AITA for not bringing my niece shopping after she was extremely rude/mean to me, even if she ‘apologized?'”
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
“I do not have kids, and I also have not really had a lot of experience dealing with kids before my niece.”
“I don’t have younger siblings or cousins, I never babysat, etc.”
“I’m explaining this because this is my blind spot, and why I’m posting.”
“About a month ago, my niece, ‘Gabby,’ and I were at the park together. “
“I like to spend time with her and usually take her out to do things just the two of us every couple of weeks.”
“While we were at the park, I was talking about an event I am going to attend with my B[oy]F[riend] of a few years.”
“She asked to see my dress, so I showed her a pic of me in it.”
“She made a ‘yucky’ face and said, ‘That’s soooooooo ugly. You look really fat. Isn’t [my boyfriend] gonna think it’s bad?’”
“I was so hurt.”
“She’s only 13!”
“I’m not even a big girl in any sense.”
“I have fat on my body, but I am definitely not fat.”
“My sister was surprised and said she would talk to her.”
“A few days later, she had Gabby come over to apologize.”
“From my P[oint] O[f] V[iew], it was not sincere.”
“She was rolling her eyes and looked angry, and just got out the words.”
“I told her thank you for apologizing, and then told them to leave.”
“I have not gone out of my way to spend time with her since.”
“I had told Gabby that I would take her shopping for the summer and we’d pick out fun stuff together.”
“I look forward to doing things like this with her.”
“Not really anymore.”
“When we were at my Mom’s house for Mother’s Day, Gabby asked me when we would go.”
“After her stunt, I’ve changed my mind.”
“I said that she probably has plenty of summer clothes to wear.”
“She was upset and said, ‘But I said I was sorry!’ over and over.”
“I told her that I know she said she was sorry, but just because someone says they’re sorry to you doesn’t mean that your actions are forgiven.”
“That you have to prove to the other person you won’t do it again, and she hasn’t.”
“My Mom and sister say I’m expecting adult behavior from a child and that it was ridiculous to cancel the shopping date. “
“I am apparently beefing with a child at my age.”
“They said that she apologized and hasn’t said anything else rude to me since.”
“They asked how long I’m going to hold it against her.”
“I really don’t know how to take this.”
“I trust their judgment most of the time.”
“But this was just an outright mean thing from her.”
The OP was left to wonder:
“I am worried that as she grows up, this behavior will continue and she will turn out to be a bully. AITA?”
Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed in on some options to the question AITA:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Many Redditors declared that OP was NOT the A**hole.
“NTA, I think 13 is old enough to understand right from wrong, and this will be a good life lesson for your niece; she can learn that her words and actions have consequences.”
“She doesn’t regret what she said; she just regrets that it ruined her shopping spree.” ~ PavlovaToes
“Exactly. ‘I said I was sorry!’”
“Is what every bully says when they get called out.”
“Spoiler: they’re only sorry they got caught/called out, not for the actual offense.”
“Mean girls suck, and they’ll see consequences of being a stinker if they keep it up.” ~ TrainerHonest2695
“Yep. She may have said sorry, but it doesn’t sound like she actually apologized.”
“Apologies are more thorough.”
“Acknowledge exactly why what you said was wrong, understand the impact of what you did, and indicate how you are going to repair the damage that was done.”
“‘Sorry’ doesn’t cut it.” ~ Mysterious_Mango_3
“At 13, she is beyond old enough to start learning accountability.”
“Actions have consequences, and the person wronged does not have to immediately forgive or forgive at all.”
“This is a fantastic opportunity for this kid to learn some important life lessons.” ~ WildAutumn9
“She knew EXACTLY what she was saying to you.”
“I’m sure she learned it from her little mean girl friends at school.”
“Your sister seems to want to just forgive instantly – what she said was SO inappropriate.”
“If I were nannying for a kid who said that to me, I would likely not watch her ever again.”
“I find it really creepy when 13-year-old girls start bullying other girls and women – it isn’t ok at all, and I’m glad you stood up to it.”
“She needs to learn there are consequences for being a little jerk.” ~ artdecofox
“This is how it’s learned to be considered ‘adult behavior’, by learning from experience or through example.”
“NTA, and I am so sorry you were hurt this way, OP.”
“And this is not beefing.”
“It’s consequences.” ~ TomokataTomokato
“I agree.”
“I will say, though, at 13, she is likely emulating the way someone else is speaking to her about her looks and appearance.”
“Could be a friend, a family member, a teacher, a classmate.”
“Her mom should have a more in-depth sit-down with her daughter because I wouldn’t be surprised if her daughter is experiencing those kinds of insults during school or from other family members.” ~ endofprayer
“Mom needs to do better at nipping this in the bud.”
“She really should have started about 10 years ago.”
“Immediately reacting with ‘that’s ugly and you look fat’ is 100% a learned behavior.”
“The niece is probably starting to really struggle with her own self-esteem because she’s at that age where it really kicks in.”
“Again, that’s usually a learned behavior- and the biggest culprit is typically the way mom talks about her own body and other women.”
“Yes, there absolutely should be consequences for talking to OP like that.”
“But the parents also need to address the root cause here, because it’s not going to magically improve on its own.”
“Took me decades of therapy, and my self-esteem still isn’t fantastic.” ~ AuroraLorraine522
“Grandmamma’s advice.”
“The way that children learn proper treatment of others is to be allowed to truly feel the consequences when they fail to do so.”
“Tell your mother and sister that your niece is old enough to learn that others sometimes need time to recover when they are treated badly.”
“Your next outing needs to be to go out for a meal, coffee, or a walk to discuss the fact that she is no longer a little kid, and that she will have a responsibility going forward to treat you in the way that she would like to be treated, just like in any other close relationship.”
“It takes two people to have a friendship or familial relationship, and it is time for her to begin to learn how to walk in the world.”
“Later, you can make a date for a shopping trip.” ~ nannylive
“NTA. 13 is old enough to know FAFO and that actions have consequences.”
“You should tell your sister that she should use this as an opportunity to have a conversation with her daughter that no one likes a mean girl, and it’s not an apology if the body language and nonverbal cues aren’t in alignment.”
“Then you should look your sister, mother, and niece in the eyes and say sorry while rolling your eyes and looking preoccupied.”
“But that’s the pettiness in me… lol.” ~ pralinequeen
“NTA. Sorry, but 13-year-olds are NOT babies at this age.”
“They know exactly what they are doing and saying.”
“My niece at 13 was a vicious person; she knew just what to say to hurt someone and enjoyed it.”
“You don’t owe her a trip out or have to spend time with her.”
“And your sister and mother are a-holes for trying to guilt you instead of showing your niece that actions have consequences.” ~ Bess_I_Dead_Yes
“NTA. Raising my 13-year-old nephew and have been since he was 5.”
“Also have a LOT of younger cousins that have looked up to me and I have spent time with over the years.”
“You’re not obligated to take her shopping.”
“But what you should’ve told her is that you didn’t feel her apology was sincere, she rolled her eyes, etc., and while you’re accepting the apology, she’s no longer entitled to go shopping with you.”
“You don’t want to take her anymore, and that’s that.”
“Actions have consequences regardless of whether the person apologizes sincerely or not.”
“Don’t give in.”
“What you’d be teaching her if you did is that she can manipulate others into getting what she wants if she just says sorry.”
“Her mother and grandmother can take her shopping.” ~ Pristine-Local-8176
“NTA. Teenagers, especially younger ones, are the scariest people you will ever meet.”
“And it’s likely she’s probably going through the usual teenage struggles that make her lash out.”
“Even though that’s likely the situation, it still isn’t an excuse.”
“It’s very important for all people to learn that you can’t treat someone badly and expect them to reward you.”
“Shi**y lesson to endure, but necessary.”
“Maybe try to sit and have a more detailed talk about why what she did was hurtful, if y’all are close.”
“But NTA.”
“Your sister and mom are enabling bad behavior.”
“For her sake, I hope this is a one-time thing.” ~ swaggysalamander
“NTA, it’s called consequences, and not enough kids these days get them.”
“At 13, she should be well aware that she was rude.” ~ marugirl
Reddit is with you, OP.
Your niece needs to learn about consequences and sincerity.
You’re allowed to express your feelings.
Hopefully, you can all move past this… on your terms.
Good Luck.