Content Warning: Late Parent, Grief, Ruined Sentimental Items
Losing someone we love is already hard enough, but suddenly losing the things that we had to remind us of them can be like reopening the wound.
Because moving on without them, and without those sentimental tokens, makes their loss feel even more final than it did before, sympathized the members of the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITAH) subReddit.
Redditor netvere lost her mom just a few years prior, and she only had a few sentimental items to remind herself of her, which her dad promised would be safe at her childhood home while she was away for college.
But when she returned for a visit and discovered that her dad and new stepmother had moved her things to the garage and let them get damaged, all for a dog, the Original Poster (OP) felt devastated and unwelcome in that house.
She asked the sub:
"Am I the a**hole for leaving my dad's birthday dinner early after finding out my stepmom turned my old room into the dog's room and ruined my possessions?"
The OP kept a few sentimental items at her dad's house.
"My dad turned 51 last Friday, and I was supposed to stay at his house for two weeks because a pipe burst in my apartment."
"My (23 Female) mom died when I was 15, and my dad remarried another woman when I was 17."
"We were never close, but it was mostly polite."
"After I moved out for college, my dad always told me my room would stay my room and that my stuff was safe there."
"I had a few boxes in it. They contained old yearbooks, photos, some clothes, my mom's green sweater that I kept because it still felt like the last normal thing from before everything changed."
But the OP's relationship changed with her dad forever, too, when he did not keep his promise.
"I got to the house early before his birthday dinner to drop off my bag. My dad opened the door and looked weird right away."
"When I went upstairs, my room was not my room anymore."
"Instead, it had a dog bed, food bowls, a little basket of toys, and one of those calming plug-in things."
"My dad's new wife’s French Bulldog, Winston, was asleep where my bed used to be."
"When I asked where my stuff was, I found out my boxes had been moved to the garage. Some of them were open. My mom's sweater was in a plastic bin that smelled damp."
The OP confronted her dad about her sentimental items.
"I asked my dad when this happened."
"He said a few months ago and that he meant to tell me but didn't want to upset me."
"His wife said, 'You don't live here anymore, and Winston gets anxious downstairs.'"
The OP no longer felt welcome in that house.
"I just looked at them and said I was not staying there."
"My dad said not to do this on his birthday."
"I told him he had months to tell me and chose to let me walk into it. At that moment, I just felt empty, and later, that turned into feeling devastated and betrayed by my own father."
"His new wife started crying and said I was acting like she killed my mother."
"Nobody screamed, but the room got awkward fast."
"My aunt offered me her spare room, so I left before dinner."
The OP's father and stepmother tried to blame her for ruining the birthday party.
"Now, my dad keeps saying that I made him look like a bad father in front of everyone."
"His new wife texted me that I turned a harmless room change into a mess."
"A few relatives have said I should have just stayed for dinner and talked about it later."
"But I do not know how I was supposed to sit there eating cake after finding my mom's things in a damp garage bin. None of them had been in my place at that moment and felt what I did."
"I know I am grown, and I know I do not live there anymore. But he promised me my things were safe and then made me feel dramatic for being hurt when they were not."
"I feel betrayed and empty, to be honest. Seeing my mom’s sweater in that damp bin felt like watching the last soft piece of my old life get treated like garage, and I don’t think I had it in me to sit downstairs and cut birthday cake and smile after that."
"I want him to apologize. This whole situation hurts."
"AITAH?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You're the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some reassured the OP that this was something her dad and stepmom should have discussed with her before doing the remodel, at least so she could find a new place to keep her most sentimental items.
"Reuse of the room is not the main issue. It’s the failing to discuss it BEFORE it was converted to another use and letting you come and pack up, sit in the room for a while, etc." - SuPruLu
"It’s not about the room itself. It’s the betrayal of a father breaking a promise to his daughter to assuage his new wife."
"He chose his new wife over his existing daughter. He chose his new wife’s dog over his human daughter and her memories of her mother and his late wife." - brandonandtheboyds
"It's the failure to say, 'Do you want to come get your stuff, or we can pack it up and put it in the garage?'"
"(ESPECIALLY if the garage has any leaks or naturally gets moist/humid, which sounds like is a problem in this garage, which just makes the whole situation that much worse.)" - mother-of-dragons13
"Tell him how their action to turn your room into a dog's room made you feel. Don't repress your emotions, so he'll know, and there are no misunderstandings. If he still defends their mistake, at least you got to tell him. No regrets. I'm really sorry this happened to you." - IceSeeker
"He needs to know what effect his actions had."
"By the way, his wife's comment about killing the OP's mom makes me think that it crossed her mind that what she was doing was bad, but she didn't want to admit to herself HOW bad it was."
"Your reaction solidified that she massively overstepped, and she doesn't like admitting it, and I'm sure your dad just wants you to fold and accept a fake apology, rather than hold them accountable." - Last-Campaign-3373
"D**n, imagine choosing a French Bulldog over your own daughter's memories of her mother."
"At the least, they should have told you IMMEDIATELY when they decided to repurpose the room AND kept your belongings somewhere climate-controlled until you could retrieve them. That's minimum courtesy." - FollowThisNutter
"This says a lot about your stepmom. I wouldn’t do that to somebody I DIDN'T like. She must have something seriously wrong with her. I mean, like as a human. Somebody didn’t teach her how to be human or something." - TrynaStayUnbanned
"This is honestly crazy, a**hole main character energy, she could’ve cleaned off a space for a dog bed in the corner, moved things out of the dog’s reach, and kept OP's room generally the same."
"Unless it’s MAYBE, like, a Great Dane or something huge, dogs don’t need a whole bedroom the size of a person for themselves. And even then, she could’ve asked the OP to come get her things before doing that."
"The stepmom wanted to erase reminders from her dad’s old life and used the dog as an excuse to do it." - stephapeaz
"Chucking the dead mum's stuff in a damp bin where it could get ruined is disrespectful to his daughter's memory of her."
"The dad is a knob and should have discussed sentimentally valuable things that needed to be moved and given the daughter a chance to get them and keep them safe." - Tevakh2312
"It’s his house, sure, and he gets to choose how to use the space. He also gets to choose how he wants to behave towards his daughter."
"And he made a choice when he led his daughter to believe it was still her room. And he made the choice of not telling her in advance and allowing her possessions to get damaged."
"So he’s reaping the consequences of his choices. He owes his daughter a profound apology. Maybe he can repair their relationship, but maybe he can’t." - Madwoman-of-Chaillot
Others agreed and hoped there was a way for the OP to restore her memories of her late mother.
"I’m so sorry. It must have felt like losing her all over again." - OmaFarts
"OP, if you can take photos of it, there are several subreddits that could help with cleaning your Mom's sweater, as dry-cleaning may be too harsh for it. I'm so sorry your own father treated you like an afterthought. You did nothing wrong." - scummy_shower_stall
"NTA. They could have kept your stuff somewhere safer. A closet, a corner or another room (seriously, why not AT LEAST keep your bedroom closet for you and block it from the dog entering it?!). TAnything. The garage... for months?? That's awful."
"I hope you took your things. Maybe a professional can help you with the sweater. My mom has revived old sweaters from an unfinished basement at a seamstress. Don't give up on your stuff, OP!"
"Your father did betray you. He let it happen. He could have warned you so you could collect your things. He could have asked your aunt to hold them."
"I'm sorry for your loss. Being an adult doesn't lessen the hurt of losing a loved one. I hope you have family on your mom's side to go to." - Legolaslegs
"Wow, this really gives me insight into how certain groups of people weaponize their tears."
"NTA. Dogs don’t need bedrooms. Your dad broke his promise, AND didn’t stand up for you, AND was too cowardly to tell you, AND made himself and his wife the victims. Complete assholes and DARVO (Deny, Attack, Reverse Victim, and Offender)."
"You’re grown, but just barely. You should still have a place to land at your parents’ house. I’m glad your aunt has some sense. Your family doesn’t have the full context."
"Please take that sweater to be dry-cleaned or properly maintained. Is anyone else from your mom’s side still alive? Perhaps they have some momentos like jewelry or photos they’d be willing to share with you."
"I’m sure they have stories they would love to share with you so your mom’s memory lives on in you, OP, which your wicked stepmother cannot take away and throw in a garage." - iammadeofawesome
"No, he did that by not having the guts to tell you for months that this had happened, and for telling you could stay with them ... where exactly? Curled up with Winston in his bed?"
"Seriously, ask him that. NTAH in my opinion."
"It wasn't the fact that your old bedroom was changed, in and of itself, but that he broke a promise, treated your mother's memory so badly, and blindsided you."
"I wonder if he planned to blindside you, hoping that social pressure would make you 'behave' and 'take it better' than if he told you ahead of time. It's a cowardly thing to do." - NotUntilTheFishJumps
"Text or email this:"
"Dad, I didn't make you look like a bad father. You did that all on your own."
"I understand that this is your house and you can do what you want, but not giving me the opportunity to come and take my things on my own... and just allowing your wife to disrespect my property and my dead mother's things is completely unacceptable."
"You promised me that my things and my room were safe. If that changed, you should have been an adult and told me instead of letting someone who doesn't actually like me or care for me just box up my stuff like I was a tenant who got evicted."
"I gladly would have come and boxed them up myself. Instead, they were just carelessly left in your garage like garbage. Now, thanks to you both, my things will likely need to be thrown away like garbage (unless I invest serious money to revive YOUR mistakes)."
"I won't be coming back to your home until I get apologies from both of you. And since I know your wife will never apologize because she doesn't actually think she did anything wrong... I suspect it will be a long time before you see or hear from me again."
"I am beyond disappointed in you. You let me down. NTA." - Riker_Omega_Three
The subReddit could understand loving a dog, accommodating its anxieties, and treating it like a member of the family, but not at the expense of another family member, especially when that family member was still grieving.
It would have been so easy to call the OP and explain that they were converting the room for the dog, so she could make arrangements for her items, or even to reserve her childhood bedroom closet for her items while giving the rest of the room to Winston.
But it was clear that the stepmother had claimed her place as the OP's father's new wife, and she wasn't interested in preserving memories of a time when she was out of the picture. Making the OP feel unwelcome was just one more way for her to lock in a future of just her, the OP's father, and Winston, with no other "competition" in sight.
