Living peacefully with other people requires communication and compromise. But the latter requires the former.
People who don't openly and honestly communicate their needs and preferences can't get upset when they aren't getting what they wanted. But some people still do get upset.
A college student turned to the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subReddit for feedback after their roommate expressed unhappiness, but not a clear reason for it.
Slow_Thanks_1733 asked:
"AITA for telling my roommate that she should go to her bedroom while I have friends over?"
The original poster (OP) explained:
"I (20, female) have lived with my roommate 'Sarah' (21, female) for the past 8 months. Sarah and I were friends for a couple of years before we decided to move in together, and up until last night, we have had very few issues."
"Our house is a common hangout spot for our friends and that's never been a problem; we just let each other know if we are having people over."
"A few days ago, a couple of friends and I made plans to have a board game night at my house. I let Sarah know and she said that would be fine."
"When I got home from class yesterday, I saw that Sarah was studying at the kitchen table, right next to the living room where we would be hanging out. I reminded her about the game night and she acknowledged."
"About an hour later, my friends arrived. We put on some light music and began playing our game."
"As time passed, I noticed out of the corner of my eye that Sarah was looking annoyed, sighing and talking under her breath. I thought that she was frustrated with her schoolwork and I didn't pay much attention to it."
"After a while, my friends went outside to smoke, leaving Sarah and I alone."
"Sarah then said to me, 'Do you think you guys could keep things down? All this noise is really distracting while I'm trying to study...' This was surprising to me as I didn't think that we were being too loud at all. We were talking at a normal volume and playing our music softly."
"I told her, 'I don't think we're being unreasonable. I gave you a heads up that we were gonna have a game night and you're choosing to study in the kitchen. If you want a quieter environment you could just go to your room'."
"Sarah said, 'Why should I have to go to my room? I was here first, you guys should just play the game in your room'."
"I said, 'The common areas of a house are for hanging out with other people, and if you're studying in the common area, you may have to deal some noise. If you want peace and quiet, that's what your bedroom is for. I don't think it's fair for us to move our entire game into my room just because you want to do homework out here'."
"Sarah said, 'Since when do you make all the rules about where I can and can't be in the house?'."
"I said, 'I'm not telling you where you can and can't be, I'm just saying that if you want to hang out in the living area there might be other people around'."
"Sarah said, 'Fine, have it your way then,' picked up her laptop, and stormed to her room. My friends came back in and we finished the game; I didn't see Sarah for the rest of the night."
"I thought things would have blown over by this morning, but that was not the case. When I went to the kitchen to make breakfast, Sarah was already there. She said, 'Oh, sorry, am I allowed to be here? Since you make all the rules now'."
"I said, 'Sarah, that's not what I meant and you know it,' but she took her coffee and stormed off to her room. She hasn't talked to me since'."
"I don't think I was being unreasonable last night, but Sarah seems to be really upset. We spoke about rules when we moved in and the agreement is that we let each other know in advance if we are having someone over."
"It's always been a mutual understanding between us that if one of us invites people over, the other person is allowed to join, no invite needed. I don't know why last night was an issue."
"We have friends over a couple of times a week. I would say that we have friends over in about equal amounts. Sarah and I share a lot of mutual friends, and our house is really close to our university, so we often have people over for casual hangouts."
"A lot of the time, if one of us has friends over, the other person joins in on the hangout. I don't know if she has a test/exam soon, but her degree program is fairly intense so she studies a lot."
"Sarah usually studies on campus, but when she studies at home, it's split 50/50 between her room and the kitchen. There probably have been times when we've had people over, and she studied in her room, but I honestly can't recall."
"I'd say the noise level varies as sometimes I'm just hanging out with one person, sometimes I'm hanging out with a small group (last night I had two people over), and sometimes we throw parties (obviously this is discussed well in advance)."
"I don't expect her to always be in the bedroom. She was totally welcome to study in the common area while we played the game, or even join in if she didn't have schoolwork."
"The issue arose because she didn't like the noise level despite having prior warning that I would be having people over."
"I've never had issues with her bringing someone over, though I'm a very social person. We are in the same friend group and we have a mutual understanding that unless it is explicitly stated otherwise, if someone invites friends over, the other roommate can hang out, no invite needed."
"So, AITA in this situation?"
The OP summed up why they might be the a**hole in their situation.
"I told Sarah that she should go to her room if she wants peace and quiet while I have my friends over. I may have been more compromising or hosted my friends in my room instead."
Redditors weighed in by declaring:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA - You're The A**hole
- NAH - No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
- INFO - more information needed
Redditors decided the OP was not the a**hole (NTA).
"NTA, common space is a shared area and your rent goes towards using it. You did the decent thing and gave a heads up, if she didn't want to be in a shared space, she could've gone to her room, it seems like she was looking for a fight, to be honest." ~ bearfootdreams
"Wonder if she was bummed because she got a heads-up about boardgame night instead of an invite, and she didn't know how to handle her emotions about it."
"It's not uncommon for people that age to get confused about their feelings and not have the emotional capabilities or social experience yet to deal with in a mature manner."
"Lashing out like that is kind of screaming that something deeper is going on. Especially considering they've gotten along well up until this moment." ~ Prestigious-Leg-6244
"NTA, it sounds like she went into that situation looking to pick a fight. I'm guessing she felt left out and wanted to play with you guys, but didn't want to ask." ~ The_Bastard_Henry
"NTA. You told her people were coming to play games and she chose to study in a shared space. She's being weird and unreasonable." ~ secret_identity_too
"NTA, you guys agreed that you could have people over. People make noise. She agreed to that." ~ gcot802
"NTA. You communicated with her about this multiple times, she agreed it would be OK, and you reminded her when you came home and found her in a common room that it was about to get loud. To ask a group of people to cram into a room so she can have the rest of the house to herself is selfish and not how sharing a space works."
"It might be time to sit down and have a conversation about setting up rules on guests and sharing spaces. She's being unreasonable, and even if it's due to stress, she's taking it out on you, which isn't OK." ~ Discount_Mithral
"You gave her a heads up and she said fine. You weren't unreasonable. Her trying to monopolize the shared space after she gave her ok was unreasonable." ~ oldcreaker
The OP provided an update:
"I do agree that I should probably be better about asking rather than telling Sarah about having friends over. It didn't even occur to me that that might be a problem because I'm so social that if Sarah tells me she's having someone over, my reaction is, 'Oh, cool.'"
"It's just never an issue for me. I'll sit down with her and see if that's been bothering her."
Communication is always a good idea.
Hopefully OP's roommate is honest instead of petulant like she has been.
