Giving a friend or family member money should be done only if the giver has reconciled themselves with some possible outcomes.
First, that they'll never see that money again.
If you can’t afford to lose the money, don't loan it out.
Second, that once the money leaves their possession, it's no longer theirs, and they have no control over how it's spent.
If either of those gives a person pause, they shouldn't loan or give a person money. Doing so will just create conflict or resentment.
A sibling turned to the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subReddit for feedback after giving their sister money.
Daniel_Demko asked:
"AITA for stopping helping my sister with money after I found out where it was reallly going?"
The original poster (OP) explained:
"My younger sister is 24, and to be honest, she's had money problems her whole life. Not because she's had some kind of catastrophic run of bad luck, but because she just doesn't know how to manage her life properly."
"She might quit her job on a whim, take out a loan for some nonsense, then pretend everything’s fine for a couple of weeks, and then call me in the middle of the night in tears."
"Over the past year and a half, I’ve given her a lot of money. Sometimes small amounts, sometimes I’d cover almost her entire rent. A couple of times, I helped with her credit card, bought her medicine, because she said she had health issues and no money at all."
"My mom was constantly pressuring me, too. She said it was hard for her, that she was the youngest, that without family she’d be completely lost."
"Two weeks ago, my friend happened to see her in the arcade near the shopping center. At first, he couldn’t believe it, because just the day before, she had told me that she didn’t have money for rent again, and the landlord was already starting to pressure her."
"According to him, she had been sitting there playing the slot machines for almost an hour. He just went over to say hi and ask if everything was okay."
"Then her expression suddenly changed, and she told him to mind his own business. Then she told him not to tell me anything at all, because he doesn’t understand the whole situation. My friend decided to tell me anyway because he was in shock himself."
"I didn’t throw a fit. I just called my sister and asked her straight out if she was gambling and if that’s where the money I constantly send her was going."
"She immediately started yelling that I was crazy, that I was spying on her through my friends, and trying to control her. Then she said she wasn’t 15 anymore and had the right to do whatever she wanted. But she never once gave a straight answer about the slot machines."
"After that conversation, I decided I wouldn’t give her money directly anymore. At most, I can order groceries, pay for something specific, or help her find a decent job, but I’m not going to transfer money to her card anymore."
"Now she’s having trouble with her rent. The landlord has already warned her that if the payment isn’t made by the end of the week, she’ll have to move out. Her mother calls me almost every day and says I’m pushing someone to the brink who’s already got enough problems."
"And the worst part is that I still feel sorry for her. Because if she really gets evicted, she’ll most likely go live with her mother, and they can’t stand being together for more than two days. Plus, I realize that this is starting to look like an addiction, not just plain stupidity."
"But on the other hand, I feel like a total idiot. Because while I was working my butt off and saving money to pay off my own debts, she was probably just blowing my money on slot machines and lying to my face for months."
"AITA?"
The OP summed up why they might be the a**hole in their situation.
"My sister was gambling away the money I gave her to pay off her debts. Because my sister is now running into trouble and might lose her home."
Redditors weighed in by declaring:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA - You're The A**hole
- NAH - No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
- INFO - more information needed
Redditors decided the OP was not the a**hole (NTA).
"You know you are not NTA already. Now I'm repeating it so you have your validation!!! Continuing to support her at this point will be feeding her addiction."
"Let her get evicted and move back with her mum. Ignore the noise from anyone. They are free to enable her or to keep their mouth shut. Do not send any money for groceries or anything."
"If you love her, you will do this for her. She needs to hit rock bottom and voluntarily commit herself to a program. The sooner this happens, the better for everyone involved. YWBTA if you continue to enable her." ~ SuperReddfan
"I say this as someone who has addiction in the family. If you help her now, you are not actually helping her; you’re enabling her. I know it’s very hard, but if she keeps being bailed out, she will never stop because there is nothing forcing her to get help."
"You have to let her feel the consequences of gambling because right now she’s not actually facing them and therefore she will never stop. I am sorry, op, having addiction in the family is very hard." ~ ponte92
"YOU are enabling her addiction by paying her bills and giving her money."
"She isn't going to get better when she can keep getting money from you." ~ JessieColt
"If she is not willing to admit she has a gambling addiction, then you cannot do anything."
You can't force help on someone with an addiction."
You can't stop her from gambling."
Nothing will change until she wants to change. By continuing to financially support her, all you are doing is enabling her, no matter what your intentions are."
"As sucky as it is, all you can really do is stop the financial support, offer her as much emotional support as you can/she will accept, let her know you will be there for her when she's ready, and then step back and let her hit rock bottom."
"You can't fix her." ~ Aethermist88
"If you buy her groceries and pay her bills, you are freeing up her money for playtime. Enabling."
"The only way you can possibly influence her in this is to withhold your financial support." ~ TaintedButtercup
"You cannot force an addict to want to get better. There must come a time when they are faced with the full consequences of that addiction."
"Helping is not about saving them from tough times, and you can’t make someone want to change. You can only decide how much of that behavior you are willing to support." ~ GavelDown3
"You also don't know if she has a gambling addiction. Your friend seeing her doing it one time does not prove anything. She could just be extremely wasteful with money because she knows there's more where it came from. Stop helping her out." ~ Melia100
"Rehab DOES NOT WORK unless an addict is doing rehab voluntarily. Otherwise, they go right back to their old ways the second they get out."
"Most addicts HAVE to hit the rockiest of Rock Bottoms where they REALLY SUPER fuck-up their life before they accept they need help."
"STOP GIVING HER MONEY, STOP PAYING FOR HER THINGS, STOP TAKING YOUR MOTHER'S CALLS until she stops making your sister's issues your fault." ~ Seangetfreaky
"Paying all her expenses isn’t getting her treatment. You need to cut her off." ~ Fluid-Platypus-
"NTA. I love how she screamed at you that she’s allowed to do whatever she wants…but the second YOU do whatever YOU want, you’re 'pushing her to the brink'."
"Not your circus. Not your monkey." ~ BabserellaWT
"If you want to truly help her, tell her you will pay for her to see a gambling addiction counselor."
"You will pay them directly, not give her money to pay them." ~ JessieColt
"Sometimes loving a person means not enabling their bad habits."
"When I got addicted to meds and started abusing them, it took a long while for my parents to realize that their enabling was making things worse. It was only when they went hardline and insisted on rehab that things actually got better for me."
"If they hadn’t done that, either I’d still be an addict or I’d be dead." ~ BabserellaWT
"Boohoo, she has to go live with her mother, with whom she doesn't get along."
"You know what she can do to avoid that? Stop gambling. Keep a job. Grow up."
"If not, then she gets to be back under her mom's roof." ~ JustAsICanBeSoCruel
OP provided a short update:
"I was raised to help my sister, and I love her no matter what. But I realize that if I keep giving her money, things will only get worse."
"I'm thinking of paying for her rehab. I hope it helps her."
Since OP isn't comfortable with where their money is going, it's best for all involved that they stop giving money directly to their sister.
If they still want to help, they can pay for things, like rent or food, directly instead of giving the money to their sister to pass along.
What they can't do is make their sister admit they have a problem or force them to get help.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp