Redditor Refuses To Give Younger Sister Any More Money After Learning She Gambled It Away

Giving a friend or family member money should be done only if the giver has reconciled themselves with some possible outcomes.

First, that they'll never see that money again.

If you can’t afford to lose the money, don't loan it out.

Second, that once the money leaves their possession, it's no longer theirs, and they have no control over how it's spent.

If either of those gives a person pause, they shouldn't loan or give a person money. Doing so will just create conflict or resentment.

A sibling turned to the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subReddit for feedback after giving their sister money.

Daniel_Demko asked:

"AITA for stopping helping my sister with money after I found out where it was reallly going?"

The original poster (OP) explained:

"My younger sister is 24, and to be honest, she's had money problems her whole life. Not because she's had some kind of catastrophic run of bad luck, but because she just doesn't know how to manage her life properly."

"She might quit her job on a whim, take out a loan for some nonsense, then pretend everything’s fine for a couple of weeks, and then call me in the middle of the night in tears."

"Over the past year and a half, I’ve given her a lot of money. Sometimes small amounts, sometimes I’d cover almost her entire rent. A couple of times, I helped with her credit card, bought her medicine, because she said she had health issues and no money at all."

"My mom was constantly pressuring me, too. She said it was hard for her, that she was the youngest, that without family she’d be completely lost."

"Two weeks ago, my friend happened to see her in the arcade near the shopping center. At first, he couldn’t believe it, because just the day before, she had told me that she didn’t have money for rent again, and the landlord was already starting to pressure her."

"According to him, she had been sitting there playing the slot machines for almost an hour. He just went over to say hi and ask if everything was okay."

"Then her expression suddenly changed, and she told him to mind his own business. Then she told him not to tell me anything at all, because he doesn’t understand the whole situation. My friend decided to tell me anyway because he was in shock himself."

"I didn’t throw a fit. I just called my sister and asked her straight out if she was gambling and if that’s where the money I constantly send her was going."

"She immediately started yelling that I was crazy, that I was spying on her through my friends, and trying to control her. Then she said she wasn’t 15 anymore and had the right to do whatever she wanted. But she never once gave a straight answer about the slot machines."

"After that conversation, I decided I wouldn’t give her money directly anymore. At most, I can order groceries, pay for something specific, or help her find a decent job, but I’m not going to transfer money to her card anymore."

"Now she’s having trouble with her rent. The landlord has already warned her that if the payment isn’t made by the end of the week, she’ll have to move out. Her mother calls me almost every day and says I’m pushing someone to the brink who’s already got enough problems."

"And the worst part is that I still feel sorry for her. Because if she really gets evicted, she’ll most likely go live with her mother, and they can’t stand being together for more than two days. Plus, I realize that this is starting to look like an addiction, not just plain stupidity."

"But on the other hand, I feel like a total idiot. Because while I was working my butt off and saving money to pay off my own debts, she was probably just blowing my money on slot machines and lying to my face for months."

"AITA?"

The OP summed up why they might be the a**hole in their situation.

"My sister was gambling away the money I gave her to pay off her debts. Because my sister is now running into trouble and might lose her home."

Redditors weighed in by declaring:

• NTA - Not The A**hole
• YTA - You're The A**hole
• NAH - No A**holes Here
• ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
• INFO - more information needed

Redditors decided the OP was not the a**hole (NTA).

"You know you are not NTA already. Now I'm repeating it so you have your validation!!! Continuing to support her at this point will be feeding her addiction."

"Let her get evicted and move back with her mum. Ignore the noise from anyone. They are free to enable her or to keep their mouth shut. Do not send any money for groceries or anything."

"If you love her, you will do this for her. She needs to hit rock bottom and voluntarily commit herself to a program. The sooner this happens, the better for everyone involved. YWBTA if you continue to enable her." ~ SuperReddfan

"I say this as someone who has addiction in the family. If you help her now, you are not actually helping her; you’re enabling her. I know it’s very hard, but if she keeps being bailed out, she will never stop because there is nothing forcing her to get help."

"You have to let her feel the consequences of gambling because right now she’s not actually facing them and therefore she will never stop. I am sorry, op, having addiction in the family is very hard." ~ ponte92

"YOU are enabling her addiction by paying her bills and giving her money."

"She isn't going to get better when she can keep getting money from you." ~ JessieColt

"If she is not willing to admit she has a gambling addiction, then you cannot do anything."

You can't force help on someone with an addiction."

You can't stop her from gambling."

Nothing will change until she wants to change. By continuing to financially support her, all you are doing is enabling her, no matter what your intentions are."

"As sucky as it is, all you can really do is stop the financial support, offer her as much emotional support as you can/she will accept, let her know you will be there for her when she's ready, and then step back and let her hit rock bottom."

"You can't fix her." ~ Aethermist88

"If you buy her groceries and pay her bills, you are freeing up her money for playtime. Enabling."

"The only way you can possibly influence her in this is to withhold your financial support." ~ TaintedButtercup

"You cannot force an addict to want to get better. There must come a time when they are faced with the full consequences of that addiction."

"Helping is not about saving them from tough times, and you can’t make someone want to change. You can only decide how much of that behavior you are willing to support." ~ GavelDown3

"You also don't know if she has a gambling addiction. Your friend seeing her doing it one time does not prove anything. She could just be extremely wasteful with money because she knows there's more where it came from. Stop helping her out." ~ Melia100

"Rehab DOES NOT WORK unless an addict is doing rehab voluntarily. Otherwise, they go right back to their old ways the second they get out."

"Most addicts HAVE to hit the rockiest of Rock Bottoms where they REALLY SUPER fuck-up their life before they accept they need help."

"STOP GIVING HER MONEY, STOP PAYING FOR HER THINGS, STOP TAKING YOUR MOTHER'S CALLS until she stops making your sister's issues your fault." ~ Seangetfreaky

"Paying all her expenses isn’t getting her treatment. You need to cut her off." ~ Fluid-Platypus-

"NTA. I love how she screamed at you that she’s allowed to do whatever she wants…but the second YOU do whatever YOU want, you’re 'pushing her to the brink'."

"Not your circus. Not your monkey." ~ BabserellaWT

"If you want to truly help her, tell her you will pay for her to see a gambling addiction counselor."

"You will pay them directly, not give her money to pay them." ~ JessieColt

"Sometimes loving a person means not enabling their bad habits."

"When I got addicted to meds and started abusing them, it took a long while for my parents to realize that their enabling was making things worse. It was only when they went hardline and insisted on rehab that things actually got better for me."

"If they hadn’t done that, either I’d still be an addict or I’d be dead." ~ BabserellaWT

"Boohoo, she has to go live with her mother, with whom she doesn't get along."

"You know what she can do to avoid that? Stop gambling. Keep a job. Grow up."

"If not, then she gets to be back under her mom's roof." ~ JustAsICanBeSoCruel

OP provided a short update:

"I was raised to help my sister, and I love her no matter what. But I realize that if I keep giving her money, things will only get worse."

"I'm thinking of paying for her rehab. I hope it helps her."

Since OP isn't comfortable with where their money is going, it's best for all involved that they stop giving money directly to their sister.

If they still want to help, they can pay for things, like rent or food, directly instead of giving the money to their sister to pass along.

What they can't do is make their sister admit they have a problem or force them to get help.