Guy Called Out For Giving Inheritance Money To Struggling Brother Instead Of Sister For IVF

Money is a wonderful thing.

It can bring great comfort and joy.

It can also cause great stress and sorrow.

Money matters in families can be especially problematic.

Case in point...

Redditor Thorawaycomm to discuss his story for some feedback. So naturally he came to visit the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subReddit.

He asked:

"AITA for giving my part of the inheritance to my brother when my sister needs it for her IVF?"

The Original Poster (OP) explained:

"My (34 M[ale]) father (65 M) died a few months ago and his estate is now being divided between me and my two siblings."

"I have enough money and don't really need the inheritance."

"My siblings and I were talking about the money hat is supposed to be divided 3 ways."

"I'm childless, my brother (33 M) has 3 small kids and my sister ( 41 F[emale]) has been trying for a baby for over a decade now."

"I told them since I don't need the money, I'm thinking of giving it to my brother, because he has been struggling financially and can use the money."

"My sister asked if I could instead give it to her for her last round of IVF (that would cost her share + my share of the inheritance) as it's her last chance to have a baby."

"I told her I'm sorry, but our brother doesn't have much money and has 3 kids depending on him."

"So I feel that it's better he gets my money."

"She asked me if my brother's kids are more important than her's and I said 'well yes, the living children take priority over the imaginary.'"

"She was very hurt, called me an AH for 1) not helping her out and 2) insulting her and belittling her struggles."

"AITA?"

Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed some options to the question AITA?:

• NTA - Not The A**hole
• YTA – You're The A**hole
• NAH – No A**holes Here
• ESH - Everyone Sucks Here

Redditors declared our OP was NOT the A**hole.

It's a tricky situation.

Let's hear some thoughts...

"NTA. You could have worded that to your sister a little nicer, but you're not wrong."  ~ Tyberious_

"OP could potentially compromise by creating 4 accounts."

"3 for brother's current kids and a fourth to be assigned later."

"If sister has a kiddo then that kid will get it, if not it can be split between the other kids later."

"Realistically we don't know why brother has 3 kids and little money, but I would be hesitant to just hand over the inheritance."

"Create accounts for the kids and let brother know he can ask for the money for summer camps, medical bills, tutoring, music instruments/lessons or sports team fees/equipment, yearly family memberships to local museums, etc."

"Anything that the brother wouldn't be able to afford but directly benefits the kids by giving them opportunities they wouldn't otherwise have."  ~ OrindaSarnia

"IVF is very expensive."

"Depending on where they are located 1 full cycle can cost upwards of $50,000 out of pocket."

"If OP's sister is 41 it is unlikely insurance would pay for treatment."

"I went through IVF myself, and 1 medication I had to take was almost $10,000 by itself."

"ETA: After seeing some comments continued in this thread I think the $50,000 is the max and probably a more high class place."

"ETA2: I did the math."

"For my situation, we did 6 cycles of IUI to prove infertility."

"6 cycles is not typically recommended-but my insurance required it.

"My math does not include the testing or appointments that would be necessary to start IVF if you go straight to that."

"We did 1 egg retrieval (creating 4 embryos) all 4 were frozen."

"We then did 1 frozen transfer."

"The price tag: Appointments - these include any time I saw the doctor for an appointment."

"The cost of testing appointments during the cycle was included in the cycle cost."

"$755 Medications - Everyone is different."

"Costs of medications vary by pharmacy too."

"This cost includes medications needed before the retrieval and then also before the transfer.

"$19,837.33 Retrieval - This is the egg retrieval."

"I believe this is a flat cost at the clinic I went to."

"$7,500 Freezing - This is the cost of the actual embryo freezing."

"I didn't even realize it was a separate charge until I just checked."

"$1,300 Transfer - This includes the process of thawing the embryo and then transferring it. $5,500."

"We needed to use donor sperm. Total cost of 1 vial for IVF with shipping. $1,030."

"My total cost if insurance didn't cover: $35,572.33." ~ and-then-rain

"Brother may need to catch up on bills to keep up with expenses; life happens despite the best plans."

"The niblings are here. Potential nibling is speculative at best. OP is spot on and NTA."  ~ Such_Option7830

"I struggled with infertility and I went through many rounds of treatment, including 2 IVFs."

"I know how hard it is for your sister, and sure hope she finds what she is looking for, but sadly her IVF might not work."

"You can't gamble away that money if it can help actual living children."

"If your sister's IVF doesn't work, it won't be wasted, but it wouldn't be the best use for the money."

"You made the right choice."

"However, ask your brother what he thinks! Bring him into the convo."

"Maybe you could compromise and only give each a piece."  ~ katsgegg

OP added...

"ETA: I don't have children myself because I struggled with infertility during my relationship with my ex."

"So I know where my sister is coming from."

"Some commenters said to put this info here in the post."

"But in all fairness the sister is the one who asked if the existing children were more important than her child who doesn't and may never exist."

"It was a weird question to ask that backed OP into a corner of no matter how diplomatically OP said it would still have insulted her."

"She obviously isn't thinking clearly due to her focus on her infertility so I don't think there could have been a good outcome here."

"He could have phrased it better."

"But he's in a catch 22."

"He does say and tell her her children are just as important as the brother's which need the money now (which in all honesty is an uncomfortable thing to say as she has no kids)."

"And then she continues to fight her point, or you gently point out the fact that she has no kids and then it creates this." ~ Athenas_Return

"Sister was a total a**hole and delusional about trying to guilt OP with her question."

"She doesn't have kids, let alone kids that she needs help feeding."

"It's beyond ridiculous to put a kid that doesn't exist on the same level as a living, breathing child with real needs."

"And to expect everyone to play along with that delusion as you try taking food out of the living child's mouth."  ~ Jpmjpm

"NTA. She wants to gamble her money and his."

"That's a lot of money to gamble with, seeing as how they've tried before."

"I would much rather adopt and spend the money towards the adoption. At least adoption is a sure thing."  ~ suzanious

"The way that we worship motherhood over all else, regardless of context, is so weird."

"The only thing every single human on this planet has in common is that we were all birthed by someone."

"Being a mother is the least unique experience a woman can have."

"And yet we hold it up on a pedestal like it's an unreachable feat that makes you untouchable."

"We value simply the possibility of motherhood over actual children."

"We push the narrative that mothers could never hurt their children simply because they're mothers, abandoning countless children at the hands of their abusers."

"We excuse terrible behavior because mOtHeRhOoD."

"Let's normalize treating **shole mothers like everybody else."

"Birthing a child is not the golden ticket to immunity from accountability and consequences."  ~ calmhippoofindigo

"OP also is infertile, he clarified in another comment."

"I do think the comment is a lot different coming from one infertile person who also wanted kids to another infertile person who wants kids."

"It's not as cold hearted as it is coming from someone who doesn't understand the pain."

"So I don't think OP is the AH for how he said it, because he isn't coming from a place of callousness, but understands the struggle too."  ~ BonBonShark

"Infertility is really, really hard."

"Finding out you're not pregnant again is devastating."

"Even worse if you get pregnant and miscarry."

"I feel for your sister and what she's going through."

"But there are three young children who need food, clothes, a roof over their head, warmth, enrichment."

"Three birthdays a year and three lots of presents at Christmas."

"Three pairs of feet that outgrow their shoes in the blink of an eye."

"Three actual real human being who are already here and need to be taken care of."

"It's incredibly selfish of your sister to demand the money for another round of IVF (that will likely end in more heartbreak anyway)."

"When your brother's family needs it way more. NTA."  ~ krickets42

OP feels the pain...

"My ex and I couldn't have children either, she later remarried and now has kids."

"I can't. It's hell."

"But I still believe that my actual nephews here matter more than any children who may or may never come to exist."

"Her (or my) desire to be a parent cannot triumph the needs of actual children already existing."

Well that is quite the situation.

OP certainly has an understanding of all that is happening for his siblings.

Reddit has your back on this one OP.

Hopefully this family can come together and not let money ruin their bond.