We all know that feeling of only being "good enough" to talk to when certain "friends" or family members need something from us.
That feeling is only made worse when it's coming from someone who only sees us as worthy of dating and being faithful to when they can't find a "better" partner, cringed the members of the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITAH) subReddit.
Redditor ClothesOk9556 was in a relationship with his ex-girlfriend for approximately fifteen years and thought they would go the distance together.
But when she started over-consuming social media and thought she wanted a different life, the Original Poster (OP) was deeply hurt, but that hurt was only made worse when she tried to come back to him after getting herself in trouble with another man.
He asked the sub:
"Am I the a**hole for refusing to take back my now-pregnant cheating ex-girlfriend?"
The OP was in a relationship with Stacy for over a decade and was certain they would last.
"I (40 Male) met Stacy (38 Female) about 15 years ago. We hit it off quickly and started dating within a few weeks."
"A few years later, she moved in with me, and for a long time, I genuinely thought we had a solid relationship."
"Like any couple, we had ups and downs. Around four years into the relationship, she cheated on me once. I stupidly gave her another chance and tried to move forward."
"Looking back now, there were a lot of red flags that I either ignored or convinced myself weren’t a big deal."
"Her phone was always locked down. The password was constantly changed until she switched to fingerprint unlock. It never left her side, she always had Notifications turned off, and she became defensive anytime I questioned anything."
"Whenever I brought up concerns, I somehow ended up being made to feel paranoid or unreasonable."
During the pandemic, Stacy needed more support from the OP than ever before.
"Then the pandemic hit, and like a lot of couples, we were suddenly around each other constantly."
"Honestly, things still weren’t terrible at that point. We rarely fought."
"Around the same time, her father passed away, and her mother started having serious health problems."
"I stepped up as much as I could. I drove them to appointments, helped financially when needed, and tried to support them however I could."
But then Stacy became more distant.
"Over time, though, things slowly changed. Stacy became increasingly distant. She stopped putting effort into the relationship. She forgot birthdays and anniversaries repeatedly."
"Her work schedule changed constantly, and she was spending more and more time on her phone."
"Meanwhile, I felt like more and more responsibility was being placed on me emotionally, financially, and practically."
"For years, I basically became the reliable one who handled everything. I worked full-time during the week, then spent most weekends driving her and her mother around, helping with errands, appointments, dinners, and whatever else was needed."
"Eventually, I started pushing back because I was exhausted and beginning to feel taken for granted."
It became clear that Stacy wanted a different life than the one the OP could offer.
"Over the last year of the relationship, especially, Stacy pulled away both emotionally and physically."
"During the final six months, she also started contributing less financially outside of rent and shared bills."
"At the same time, she became obsessed with Instagram and TikTok lifestyle content. I wish I was exaggerating when I say she was averaging around six hours a day doom-scrolling."
"Then one day, I discovered she had been quietly preparing to leave the relationship behind my back. I confronted her that night, and she admitted she 'wasn’t happy anymore.'"
"The conversation mostly turned into her explaining why she felt unfulfilled and wanted a completely different lifestyle than the one we had built together. She talked a lot about wanting a more 'traditional wife' lifestyle without children, where she could focus on hobbies and stop working altogether."
It took the OP a long time to heal.
"A week later, she moved out. What hurt the most wasn’t even the breakup itself. It was how cold the entire thing felt."
"She cleared out almost everything she could take quickly. Cookware, dishes, towels, sheets, and pantry food, basically anything she considered hers."
"She did leave the ring I gave her years earlier because she said I 'didn’t propose the right way.'"
"I was devastated. The last six months have honestly been rough. I started therapy, went to the gym, and reconnected with friends and family I had drifted away from during the relationship."
"Some mutual friends later admitted there had apparently been concerns about her behavior in past relationships, too."
Stacy only gave the OP the time of day again when she needed something from him.
"Just as I was finally starting to feel somewhat normal again, Stacy sent me a message out of nowhere asking to meet up and talk."
"I agreed because I was curious."
"When I saw her, she was visibly pregnant."
"We sat down at a coffee shop, and after a little small talk, she told me she was (obviously) pregnant and initially implied the baby was mine."
"I was confused because the timeline made no sense. We hadn’t been intimate in around nine months, and she had moved out about six months earlier. She was four to five months pregnant."
"I pressed her on it, and then the truth finally came out. She admitted she had been involved with a coworker during the final stretch of our relationship."
"Apparently, she had expected that relationship to become serious after leaving me, but things fell apart after she became pregnant. According to her, the guy eventually disappeared from the situation entirely."
"At that point, it became obvious why she had contacted me. She admitted she was overwhelmed, scared, and struggling financially. She basically asked whether there was any possibility we could 'work things out.'"
But the OP wasn't interested in picking up where they left off.
"Honestly, I didn’t even know how to respond at first. Then I laughed, and laughed hard."
"But I realized I couldn’t go back to that relationship after everything that happened."
"I told her I couldn’t be her backup plan after the way she treated me throughout our relationship, especially how things ended. Then I left."
"Since then, she’s been repeatedly trying to contact me."
"As far as I know, she still hasn’t told most people yet and has apparently been trying to hide the pregnancy from her mother and coworkers."
"AITAH?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You're the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some reassured the OP that he was right to move on from this relationship and that his ex was learning a lesson in "f**k around and find out."
"NTA. Your reaction was the only appropriate one and fully deserved."
"Congrats on the trash taking itself out, and best of luck getting back on track." - Samwry
"NTA. It sounds like she thought the other guy was going to bankroll her life of hobbies... and she was wrong." - Let_em_glow927
"He promised her the moon to get her into the affair. The way some random guy who’s a bank teller says he’s the next hot shot investment banker at the bar."
"But when she got pregnant, he already knew how easily she could throw away a meaningful relationship and didn't want to bring that upon himself. Why would he? More importantly, why would OP? NTA." - Sharkwatcher314
"NTA. She’s only coming back so you can be her safety net."
"Make sure to tell your closest friends and family that she is pregnant and that it isn’t yours and that it was conceived while she was cheating at the end of your relationship. Full stop."
"Otherwise, she might try to spin it that it’s your baby and you’re abandoning her."
"And to be clear, you are not abandoning her. She’s made choices, and these are the consequences of them. Stuff that’s on her to resolve, and if she needs financial help, she can go to the baby's father and his family for that." - btspeep
"It's almost like she thinks actions don't have consequences. She left. Everything after that date is her responsibility, a consequence of her choices."
"OP is NTA unless he does anything for her. Then he'll be YTA to himself." - Always-Shady-Lady
Others cautioned the OP to go public with the timeline so that his ex-girlfriend couldn't try to include him on the baby's birth certificate.
"Make it clear to people the timeline, so she doesn’t start spreading misinformation." - Sea_Chocolate_3537
"Don't block her. Keep the messages for evidence in the future in case they are needed. She's probably saying some pretty d**ning stuff while texting you over and over to get you back." - DesireeThymes
"Depending on local laws, it's possible she could try and put him down on the birth certificate as the father, which would make him liable for child support, and he'd need evidence to prove otherwise." - TheDarkSpectrum
"He doesn't have to let her back in his life for her to go on social media and claim that the baby is his, that he's refusing to help, and that he abandoned a pregnant woman after YEARS of being together and being totally faithful to him."
"All of those things are lies, of course, and he could prove her wrong with a paternity test, but by the time the DNA test proved otherwise, the narrative would be out there, and it would be hard to reel it back in."
"Narrative is all that matters in the age of social media. People tend to believe whichever version they read first."
"So if he has texts or recorded conversations where she admits the kid is not his, he can post that IF she tries to throw him under the bus."
"Always cover your a**. You can't just bury your head in the sand and hope things work out."
"That's not how the world works in the age of social media narratives and outrage culture." - Riker_Omega_Three
"Make sure to make your timeline public to anyone possibly involved, from friends, family, her friends, and her family to cops, lawyers, and judges. Never underestimate someone who's desperate."
"Just because someone doesn't get blocked doesn't mean you allow that person in your life. Muting is your best friend, especially in situations like this." - Nymph-the-scribe
Everyone makes mistakes, but it sounds like the OP's ex-girlfriend trapped herself in a world of delusion by over-consuming social media and convinced herself that she wanted something that the OP was not offering her, only for her to give up an important relationship and get pregnant with someone who wasn't ready to support her in the long-term.
If there ever was a case of "f**k around and find out," this would absolutely be the winner.
