No matter how in love we might be with someone, not all relationships are destined to work out.
For many, cheating is an absolute deal breaker, and even when love is on the line, no amount of working on the relationship will fix it after an affair, empathized the members of the “Am I the A**hole?” (AITAH) subReddit.
Redditor WiskerRebel had to say goodbye to the husband she thought she’d spend the rest of her life with when she found out that he not only had cheated on her with a coworker, but he’d also gotten his coworker pregnant. Despite his hopes that she’d work on the relationship with him and help him co-parent his “affair baby,” she moved on.
But when she later fell in love with another man and was willing to help him raise the children he had from a previous relationship, the Original Poster (OP) was shocked by how angry her ex-husband became over her being “hypocritical.”
She asked the sub:
“AITAH for refusing to take my ex-husband back [and raise his ‘affair baby’ with him] but accepting my new fiancé’s kids?”
The OP could not bear children, and her husband, Frank, struggled to cope with the news.
“My ex-husband, Frank, and I got married deeply in love. After a while, I found out I couldn’t have children.”
“Surgery was not an option for me. We consulted multiple doctors, and in the end, we had to accept that I wouldn’t be able to have children. Adoption was also off the table because Frank didn’t want it: he wanted biological children. He told me, ‘I don’t want to raise someone else’s child.'”
“That time was especially difficult for me, and Frank was my biggest source of support… until he wasn’t.”
“Frank wanted kids, and he told me he didn’t want to leave me but also wanted to have a child with someone else. I couldn’t accept that.”
“Because he was so blatant about having kids, even if it meant the mother wasn’t me, I suggested divorce back then, but he swore he would never leave me. He even said, ‘It will always be just the two of us until the end.'”
“I believed him. Frank and I met in high school and were together for ten years.”
But then Frank took matters into his own hands and ruined their marriage.
“Later, I found out he had gotten a woman from his workplace pregnant.”
“He told me he didn’t want to divorce me and still wanted to be with me, but I couldn’t stay.”
“Despite his resistance, I divorced him, and he married the mother of his child. This was two years ago.”
“When we divorced, I blocked Frank everywhere. However, he still hears about my life because my cousin is married to his best friend. I no longer speak to my cousin because, after the divorce, she defended Frank and insisted that he loved me. Unfortunately, some things just don’t stay private within families.”
“As for Frank’s marriage, I know for a fact that he only got married due to pressure from his mother. She had already told him to divorce me and remarry as soon as she found out I couldn’t have children. We never got along; she was one of those mothers who are possessive of their sons.”
The OP later met Mark, who gave her hope again.
“Now, I’m with Mark. Mark is kind, understanding, and has been a great support system for me after everything with Frank. I love him deeply.”
“He has two sons from his previous marriage (ages 3 and 5).”
“They stay with him every other weekend and see him regularly during the week. He’s a great dad, and I admire that about him.”
“Mark and I recently decided to get married, and I’m really happy about it.”
Frank heard about the OP’s engagement and couldn’t cope.
“Ever since Frank found out, he has been trying to contact me. Today, he showed up outside my work.”
“He accused me of being a hypocrite by accepting Mark’s kids but refusing to accept his. He said that all he ever wanted was to build a life with me and grow old together and that I was being unfair for not accepting him under the same circumstances.”
“He told me that Mark never had to make the kind of choice he did and that Mark was never put in a position where he had to pick between being with me and having biological children. He claimed that if Mark had been in his place, he would have made the same decision he did.”
“Honestly, for a moment, that made me stop and think. That’s how the manipulation started. He made me question myself, and in the end, I felt guilty.”
The OP felt conflicted.
“Logically, I see why he thinks it’s the same situation, but it doesn’t feel the same.”
“The thought of Frank and his child still hurts me, yet I don’t feel the same way about Mark and his kids.”
“Frank insists it’s the same, but is it?”
“AITAH?”
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You’re the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some insisted that Mark and Frank’s situations were not the same at all.
“NTA. These are not even remotely the same situation.”
“The first situation wasn’t about ‘not accepting his child.’ It was about infidelity and betrayal.”
“In her current relationship, it seems like he is loyal and has not stepped outside their relationship.”
“In fact, her ex CONTINUES to show he is disloyal by trying to get together with someone when he is already married. Dude needs counseling.” – LeikOfForest
“The huge difference here is that your ex-husband cheated on you, breaking your trust, while your fiancé has been faithful and supportive. Trust is a huge factor in any relationship, and it’s understandable that you wouldn’t want to go back to someone who betrayed you like that.”
“You’ve found someone who treats you with respect, and that’s what matters now. It’s not about hypocrisy; it’s about honoring your boundaries and choosing a partner who values you.” – Troublemaker_Cake
“The ex is pathetic because he is whining at her door after he cheats and he remarries. He is still feeling as if she mistreated him by not wanting him when he cheated.”
“And the hypocrisy of him saying he refused to adopt because he didn’t want to raise someone else’s child, but expected her to help raise the baby of his affair partner. The audacity.” – alycewandering7
“Frank cheated on his wife and got someone else pregnant…Mark had kids with someone he was married to ,and they got divorced. These two things are not alike.” – brit_brat915
“Actually, what is ‘the same thing’ is that each man had children with another woman…”
“HOWEVER.”
“Frank had his with an affair partner WHILE MARRIED TO HER.”
“Mark had his in a committed relationship PRIOR TO their relationship starting.”
“BIG DIFFERENCE. NTA.” – T9Para
“There’s a whole affair to be taken into the equation, and OP’s ex has masterfully sidestepped it. She didn’t leave him because of the kid, for f**k’s sake.”
“OP, my ex hides behind his kids to try to avoid consequences in just this same way. Don’t let him rewrite history. He cheated and fathered a kid behind your back.”
“Your husband didn’t do that, his kids were a part of the package and were honestly presented as such.”NTA, and your ex is a rusted tool.” – runawayforlife
Others pointed out how obvious it was that Frank had not corrected his behavior, either.
“Also, what is her ex doing sniffing around when he has a kid and a new wife? Coming to her work? Skeevy.”
“Imagine how the OP’s ex-husband’s new wife would feel when she finds out he’s still sniffing around the woman he was previously married to.” – pigandpigs
“It seems that SOMEONE enjoys playing the victim in his own imaginary story. NTA, OP.” – Deep_Rig_1820
“He cheated on you, got another woman pregnant while he was married to you and he is playing victim?”
“Tell him to stay the f**k away from you, or you will be filing harassment charges.”
“Definitely NTA.” – Mother_Search3350
“NTA. Frank’s ‘logic’ sounds a lot like gaslighting.”
“If he had wanted to grow old with you, then he needed to abandon his requirement to have biological children of his own.”
“You have entered into another relationship, and he shows up to admonish YOU? He calls YOU a hypocrite? Because you are accepting of children born prior to the relationship?”
“This is all about him. He wanted a biological child, so he made one…while breaking his vows to you. Boo hoo.”
“Just what did he think would happen? That you would fall into his arms and beg forgiveness? That you would break up with a partner who you’ve committed to marry?”
“Thank goodness you’re no longer married to him. Frank is a piece of work, and he is now learning about f**king around and finding out.” – No-Ear-9899
“I felt sorry for her until I remembered that she chose to have an affair with and then have a kid with a married guy, so it’s not like it should be a shock to her that Frank isn’t exactly the most faithful or wonderful husband.”
“She was meant to be his incubator, and after OP left, he probably couldn’t find a good excuse not to marry her, especially with his Mommy Dearest breathing down his neck.” – scarletnightingale
Not to anyone’s surprise, the OP soon shared an unsettling update in a second post.
“I wanted to give an update and also get your advice on another issue.”
“As some of you predicted in my last post, Frank hasn’t given up. Every day, he sends flowers. Every morning, I find a new bouquet on my desk at the office.”
“The notes always say things like how he won’t give up on us, how he loves me, and how I’m the love of his life. (I’ve realized that these words don’t mean anything to me anymore.)”
“I told Frank to stop and that I don’t want to talk to him anymore, but the flowers keep coming.”
“Since he has many connections in my company, including the owner, who is his friend, I can’t even figure out exactly who is delivering them to my desk. Frank comes from a wealthy background, which gives him influence in places like my workplace, making it harder for me to shut this down.”
In her update, the OP felt conflicted about talking to Mark and also about wedding invitations.
“I haven’t told Mark about this because he gets very tense whenever Frank comes up in conversation. The last time I talked to him about Frank, he was angry. But keeping this from him doesn’t feel right either. What should I do?”
“Another issue is causing tension between Mark and me. Mark doesn’t want me to invite my aunt to our wedding. She is the mother of my cousin, who is married to Frank’s best friend.”
“However, my aunt has always been a very important person in my life; she’s like a second mother to me. This has become a major point of conflict between Mark and me. I don’t want to create distance between us, but I also don’t want to lose my aunt. What should I do?”
“I would really appreciate any advice.”
Some advised the OP that it was time to come clean with Mark.
“You have to be honest with Mark. It is also time to tell Frank’s wife that her husband is sending you flowers.”
“Also, I would inform Frank that if he does not stop bothering you, you will file charges with the police for harassment. Talking to his wife and threatening to charge with harassment, then telling Mark will tell Mark your true intentions.” – fiestafan73
“Mark has his kids to think about. You not being truthful is not the way to start your marriage. You expect honesty from him, you should treat him with the same respect.”
“Also, tell Frank’s wife. Come on. He’s publicly embarrassing her. Geez.” – wishingforarainyday
“You will lose Mark over this if you don’t tell him and he finds out about all this from someone else (and considering how public this all is already, he will find out).”
“You should have told him a long time ago. Now you are almost too late to tell him but you probably can save the relationship. But Mark also needs to chill out about your aunt. He is showing some bad signs right now.”
“As for your ex, file charges, tell his wife and block him on everything if you haven’t done that yet.” – Kragg_hack
“You will definitely lose him if this comes out any other way than you telling him, and your ex seems like the kind of person who would confront Mark with the, ‘Ohh, she didn’t tell you,’ bulls**t to get in his head.”
“Not sure what advice to offer on the aunt situation, but it sounds like he’s majorly insecure if a relative’s kid’s marriage to a friend of your ex is threatening. Any steps you take to prove that ex isn’t a threat and that you’re 100% in this with him should help, and if not, maybe it isn’t meant to be. You can’t live your life pandering to every time he’s going to feel insecure about something and cut off anyone and any semblance of a life you had before him.”
“Everyone’s got a past, and there’s no avoiding it. If you aren’t encouraging your ex (which it sounds like you aren’t), then he should be trying to help you figure it out. You shouldn’t feel the need to hide being harassed by your ex from the person you’re about to marry.”
“His reaction to the news will tell you whether or not this is worth pursuing, but either was, you need to get your ex to leave you alone.” – z00k33per0304
“If Mark would leave you because of the behavior of someone else, then he’s not worth marrying. You are only in control of YOUR own actions.”
“You’re not encouraging Frank. You’re not texting him, or flirting with him, or engaging with his insane fantasy of getting back together. You’ve done everything in your power to shut him down. Mark doesn’t get to be mad at you because your ex is harassing you. This is a red flag.”
“If Mark is blaming you for Frank’s actions and trying to isolate you from members of your family (also because of Frank’s actions), that means Mark isn’t as great a guy as you thought.”
“He should be supporting you! His anger should be directed at Frank, where it belongs. The two of you should be a team against this Frank problem. He should be supporting you.” – Kathrynlena
“I think your ex’s entire point was to make sure you have no one in your life. Now that word will get out that you and Mark are no longer together, the love-bombing will stop. And will start again as soon as he finds out you’re dating someone.”
“The weak link is your aunt, I’m afraid, and I think Mark had the right instincts in not wanting her around. So you either have to go low contact, or else keep her 100% in the dark about your private life.” – scummy_shower_stall
Accepting the subReddit’s advice, the OP told Mark the truth, but there were consequences.
“A lot happened last night. Right now, I’m sitting alone in my room, and I wanted to update you all.”
“I talked to Mark and told him everything. He asked me why I hadn’t told him sooner, and I explained my fears. First, he clarified that he wasn’t angry at me for keeping it from him; he was angry at Frank. He apologized for being harsh with me before and admitted that a big part of his reaction was jealousy.”
“However, he also said that, even though Frank’s obsession isn’t my fault, it could still cause serious problems in our lives. He doesn’t know how far Frank is willing to take this, and while he loves me, he doesn’t want to put his children in a situation like this.”
“We decided to call off the wedding.”
“I can’t believe my relationship, which was going so well, has ended because of Frank. I feel so angry and heartbroken. In the heat of the moment, I messaged Frank’s wife and told her everything. She saw the message but didn’t reply.”
“Then, Frank emailed me, saying he doesn’t care whether his wife stays or leaves because if I take him back, he’ll divorce her anyway. The email is still open in front of me, and I can’t even process it.”
“Why am I always the one who gets hurt? My whole life, I’ve tried to be kind, to see things from others’ perspectives, and to focus on the good in people. I don’t believe I deserve this. More than anything, I’m furious that after everything Frank has put me through, he still gets to move on without a care in the world.”
As the comments started to roll in on the third post, the OP added a little more to the post.
“I want to thank everyone for their support. I received more kindness than I ever expected, and I’m truly grateful for it.”
“The idea of moving feels like the right choice for me. I’ve already started looking into possible places to go. I just need to get away from everything for a while and start fresh.”
“I also want to clarify that Frank is not physically violent. He doesn’t pose that kind of threat. My family is aware of everything that has happened, and while they are angry at Frank, none of us have ever doubted my safety.”
“That being said, I’ve decided to involve the police, as many of you suggested. Not because I’m afraid, but because it might finally make him keep his distance.”
“On a side note, Frank’s mother actually called my mom and asked her to make sure I don’t get back together with Frank. My mom’s response? ‘You should focus on keeping your son in check.'”
While it was unfortunate that the OP’s relationship with Mark dissolved over Frank’s actions, it sounded like Mark was also struggling with some unresolved jealousy and sexism that could have hurt their marriage in some other way in the future.
The best plan was for the OP to start over in a new place, where she could meet new people and chase new opportunities. She could always stay in touch with the most meaningful people in her life, but even with them, she might want to be a little cagey with the details, in case anyone ever decided to play a round of Telephone with Frank.