Sometimes we only find out that a relationship is not meant to last forever when it's time to get married.
Weddings have a weird way of bringing out some people's true colors, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor ReplacementMental370 had been with her boyfriend for seven years and had been engaged to him for the past year, but it was only when they really started to make wedding plans that John's parents' feelings about her became apparent.
When they sat the couple down and said that John needed to "step up and be a man," and that she needed to "submit" to their son in order to not "emasculate" him, the Original Poster (OP) was deeply hurt that they didn't see her as good enough for their son.
She asked the sub:
"Am I overreacting if I cancel my wedding reception over a talk my future in-laws had with me?"
The OP had received some judgmental comments from her boyfriend's family over the years.
"I have been dating my fiancé, John, for around seven years."
"John’s family goes to church every Sunday, and while I was raised to believe in God, but church was always optional."
"When I started dating John in high school, I didn’t think any of this mattered. John wasn’t big on attending church every week, and I did attend with him once or twice when I wasn’t working."
"I’m aware that this bothers John’s parents, as they have made a few comments about me throughout the years that have hurt my feelings."
"However, I’ve always tried to ignore those comments because, at the end of the day, John and I love each other, and I know he’s the man I want to spend the rest of my life with."
How John's family viewed the OP became clear during the wedding planning.
"John and I have been engaged for over a year, but we just recently decided we want to finally tie the knot."
"He didn’t want a wedding, and I had a dress but didn’t want to plan a wedding, so we compromised and found a local place that would marry us, take photos, etc. for only $400."
"The ceremony is in two months, will be an hour long, and we will only have around 30 guests. It checked off the boxes for us: the venue is planning almost everything for me, and the ceremony itself only lasts 10 minutes, so no big parade."
"After the ceremony is pictures, and then we planned on a small lunch with immediate family only."
"However, John’s parents really wanted a reception dinner after at their house, as John’s family is very big and he has lots of family who’d like to see him on his big day. I agreed, as I think that’s fair."
The OP was shocked when she heard her in-laws' demands.
"Now, onto the main issue. Last week, after the reception decorations were bought, John’s parents sent everyone out of the room besides John and me to have a 'talk' with us."
"They told us we need pre-marital counseling at the local church (I’m not opposed, but John doesn’t really want it)."
"The conversation then diverted into a lecture that left me feeling very hurt and offended."
"They told John he needs to 'step up' and that I need to become a Christian woman who submits to my husband 'without complaints.' This talk went on, and I quickly realized the entire thing was directed at me. They said John will be the man of the relationship, and not submitting to him will 'emasculate' him."
"I was stunned and offended. I was raised to be independent and to submit to no man."
"John and I are equals in our relationship. We make decisions together. When we disagree, we compromise. I will not submit to him, and he will not submit to me. That’s how it’s always been for us."
The OP felt hurt and betrayed.
"I’m angry that, after seven years, John’s parents still don’t feel I’m good enough for their son. I left their home fuming and tried to let it go, but I can’t yet."
"I’m upset, and I really don’t know if I want to go through with this reception now. I don’t want to be surrounded by people who will never think I’m good enough, and it hurts."
"Last night my future mother-in-law (MIL) wanted to hand-make the invitation envelopes with me, and I shut down the idea and cried afterwards because the thought of being in a house with future in-laws who don’t deem me worthy, without John there, makes me more upset and anxious."
John's supportive comments did not make the OP feel better.
"John says he doesn’t want to have a reception if this is upsetting me. He says it’s not worth the stress and hassle if the end result is I’m not happy."
"However, I just worry I’m overreacting about this whole thing."
"I don’t want to deprive his family of celebrating with him just because I’m upset."
"Am I overreacting? Should I just let things go for a day so John’s family can celebrate the wedding with him?"
"AIO?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NOR: Not Overreacting
- YOR: You're Overreacting
Some side-eyed John for letting his parents say all of those hurtful things without cutting them off.
"Why is he sitting there listening to his parents telling you what you have to do? He should have shut that conversation down immediately!" - Particular-King218
"I mean, it’s great that afterwards, he is like, 'Don’t worry about it, babe,' but sideline support is not helpful and an uncomfortable outlook on your future life together." - kent2812
"Does he say, 'ignore them' to keep the peace, but not actually speak up and set boundaries? He needs to be clear with them that their interference and opinions won’t be tolerated."
"Otherwise, I’d wonder if he’s being honest about his feelings on the matter or if he’d stand up for me in the future. Or will he just say, 'suck it up'?" - trvllvr
"That 'don't worry about it, babe' really sounds like it's gonna be, 'but is it that bad to submit to me? You love me, right?' within six months of marriage." - Ecstatic_nyaa
"I've seen this play out a few times. These men agree with their parents but don't want to risk the woman leaving. So he placates her until the wedding, and then once that knot is tied, his true colours start showing."
"Suddenly, he wants you to stop working and be financially dependent on him."
"No more friend hangouts."
"Expectations of immediate motherhood and chores to be done because 'that's what my mom sacrificed for us.'"
"The fact he didn't shut that s**t down immediately shows he agrees with them and is just placating her until it's set in stone."
"It will become a lifetime of the in-laws making jabs, saying, 'Wow, she doesn't listen to you after you worked so hard?' Even the most 'equal partnership' dudes eventually start expressing his parents' views."
"Because why would he speak up? Having a bangmaid surrogate mommy is the dream! But he won't say that out loud to OP." - Novaer
"If your fiancé isn't isn't standing up to your future in-laws while they bully and berate you, that is a huge red flag."
"You say your relationship is equal, and you two are partners, but it doesn't sound like he sees it that way. Do not marry this man if he's unable or unwilling to advocate for you."
"Frankly, if my parents talked to my spouse the way your fiancé's talks to you, I'd cut contact. NOR." - caffeinated_panda
Others agreed and pointed out that the OP wasn't just signing up for an awkward reception; she was signing up for a life of demanded "submission."
"Your last line is the most important. 'Should I just let things go for a day…'"
"The problem, my dear, is that it is NOT just a day. This will absolutely be an ongoing issue in your marriage, and you will get pushback from his parents every time anything comes up."
"People who want you to submit are people who want to control your life. They will try to control your marriage, and they will absolutely try to control your children. Think about what that would be like if you have a female child."
"It doesn’t sound like your fiancé is the problem. So you and he need to present a united front if you choose to stay with him."
"You need to completely and explicitly explain to them that his penis doesn’t take priority over your vagina. That you’re not planning on submitting to anyone and that will never change, and that if they continue to push this agenda, they will never, ever see their grandchildren."
"And then you need to commit to it, and every time they try to push this, you guys need to leave. And you need to give them penalties: the first time they bring up this s**t, you guys don’t talk to them or interact with them for a month. The second time, it’s three months, and then you tell them that if there’s a third time, it will be permanent. And you need to be willing to stick to this."
"This is, as far as I’m concerned, mental illness, and evil and hatred on their parts, and it will take over your life: that’s been shown. That’s how we ended up where we are in America today. So be aware this is what you’re walking into and act accordingly." - allisondbl
"Has John told his parents that you two are adults, thanks but no thanks for the advice, and the marriage is between two people and they are not part of the marriage?"
"This is more than just about a reception. This is an example of how they are going to try and control you throughout your marriage."
"John needs to rein in his parents now. A simple 'That won't work for us. We are equals in our relationship' is a good place for him to start." - Seeker_ofLight
"If the majority of his family are like his parents, the reception could end up being just one night of talks from aunts and uncles, jabs at OP for not preparing John's plate or not wearing modest enough clothing, or her speaking when she shouldn't."
"Maybe she'll get to spend her evening in the kitchen helping alongside the women, and John won't even think to check in on her because that's the norm in his family."
"She'll be all alone with it because John won't stand up for her. He'll just expect her to 'keep the peace.'" - calminthedark
"You are not overreacting, but I don’t think you should even move forward with the small wedding until you know 100% that John is on the same page as you where religion is concerned, and that his family has no say in the way you live and raise possible future kids."
"This is a major issue that you have to address!" - Ok_Conversation9750
"Know that it will come up again and again, especially if kids are involved. If he can’t set boundaries with his parents, then that isn’t a good idea to move forward with a wedding. NOR." - CuriousBird337
"You just got a glimpse of what the rest of your life will look like."
"A life of 'submitting' to another human. How f**king gross and demeaning. I’m a man and have far too much respect for my wife to treat her like that; it’s absurd." - Mott5G
After receiving feedback, the OP shared an update, still hopeful for her relationship.
"John and I sat down over some parking lot Taco Bell and talked about everything. I brought up my feelings and concerns, and I even had him read this post and your comments."
"We are on the same page; I submit to no one."
"He also talked to his parents about the situation, questioning what they meant, etc."
"I already knew he shared my sentiments, but I wanted to set the record straight, since some of you weren’t so sure. John is an amazing man who has always treated me well. He supports my dreams, and he takes care of me when I need it. He’s going to be an incredible husband."
"Thank you for all of your support."
Though the subReddit wasn't convinced, the OP was certain that John shared her worldviews and would stand by her regardless of what his parents might say to her. Hopefully, in the future, he'd be more willing to speak up, rather than allow his wife to be spoken down to.
