People on their way to getting married will hear a lot of advice about going the distance and staying together through the good and bad.
But when couples face the hard moments, like the poorer instead of the richer, that's when their relationships often stall out, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor ThrowawayTreelaw99 claimed to love his wife, but when his wife got in a car accident, he thought much less about his love for her and caring for her injuries, and much more on the debt her accident had caused.
So much so, the Original Poster (OP) was entertaining the idea of divorcing his wife in the hope of not having to help her pay off the debt.
He asked the sub:
"Am I overreacting by considering divorcing my wife so I don't ruin my own life?"
The OP and his wife had an average, middle-class income.
"My wife (30 Female) and I (32 Male) have been married for a little over four years."
"We don't have kids, we rent a townhouse, and we've been trying to save up for a house ever since we got married."
"I make about $52k per year, and she makes around $43k, so we've never exactly been rolling in money."
"We've managed to save about $14,000, which felt like we were finally making progress until about six weeks ago."
When the OP's wife was in a car accident, they were not financially prepared.
"She was driving home from work and admitted afterward that she was reading and replying to a text. She drifted off the road, went through a wooden fence, and crashed into a tree on a historic private estate."
"Thankfully, she wasn't seriously hurt, just a broken wrist and a concussion."
"At the time, we both thought the worst part would be replacing the fence and dealing with higher insurance premiums. I even remember telling her, 'At least it wasn't another car.'"
"As it turns out, it would've been cheaper if it had been."
"The tree she hit was a mature Franklin tree. Before this happened, I'd never even heard of one, but apparently, they're incredibly uncommon because the species has been extinct in the wild for over 200 years. Every Franklin tree alive today comes from cultivated descendants, and this particular one had been planted decades ago as part of the estate's restoration gardens."
"The owners had documentation showing when it was planted, yearly inspections from a certified arborist, and previous appraisals, because it was considered one of the property's specimen trees. Their attorney hired another consulting arborist who valued it using something called the Trunk Formula Method, which our attorney says is a legitimate appraisal method that's actually used in court for mature ornamental trees that can't realistically be replaced."
"The appraisal came back at just under $145,000 once they factored in the loss of the tree, removal, restoration of the landscape, and replacing it with the largest viable cultivated Franklin tree available."
" I thought the number sounded completely insane until our attorney explained that while we'll almost certainly argue over the final amount, the methodology itself is recognized, and a judge isn't going to laugh them out of court just because it's 'only a tree.'"
The couple wasn't prepared to face so much financial debt, even with their insurance.
"Here's where things get really bad. My wife's auto policy only has $50,000 in property damage liability coverage."
"The insurance company is providing a lawyer and will pay up to that limit, but if the case settles anywhere close to what they're asking, we'd personally be on the hook for close to $95,000, plus whatever interest accrues if we can't pay it immediately."
"We don't own a house, we don't have wealthy parents who can bail us out, and we don't have anywhere close to that kind of money."
"Our attorney has been pretty blunt that because she admitted she was texting while driving, there's really no argument over who caused the damage. The only thing left to fight over is how much it's worth."
The OP didn't want to be involved in paying off the debt.
"Ever since that meeting, I've been stuck in my own head. I love my wife. I know she didn't wake up intending to ruin someone's property, and she feels absolutely horrible about what happened."
"She cries about it all the time and keeps saying she destroyed our future over a text that could've waited."
"But at the same time, she kind of did. This wasn't black ice or a tire blowout or another driver hitting her. She made a conscious decision to look at her phone, and now we're staring down a debt that's literally bigger than either of our annual salaries."
"The thought that keeps creeping into my head is whether I should leave before this financially buries both of us for the next decade."
"I know marriage is supposed to mean sticking together when things get hard, but I honestly don't know if I can willingly sign up for years of struggling because of something so completely avoidable."
"Part of me feels like I'd be abandoning my wife at the lowest point in her life."
"The other part of me keeps thinking that one person's reckless decision shouldn't automatically become the other person's burden forever."
"She has no idea I've even had these thoughts. Right now, she's just hoping the lawyers can negotiate the amount down, while I'm lying awake wondering whether one text message permanently changed the course of both our lives."
"AIO?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NOR: Not Overreacting
- YOR: You're Overreacting
Some pointed out that the OP wasn't getting out of this by getting a divorce.
"I’m an attorney (not your attorney and this isn’t legal advice). Generally, insurance settlements for policy limits prohibit the other party from suing you personally. If the other party accepts the $50k, they will sign a release, and the case settles."
"The release will state they are releasing your wife and the insurance of any future obligations or liability. If they want more than $50k (policy limits here), they have to just sue you personally and can’t touch the insurance settlement money."
"There are exceptions to this, but that’s generally how it works. Since you and your wife don’t have assets, the other party is kinda screwed. There’s a saying attorneys have, which is never advise a client to sue someone who’s broke. There’s no point."
"The property owner probably has homeowners insurance that will cover the rest of the tree money, and the case settles for the $50k, and you all move on with your life. That’s my take on this."
"If this actually goes to trial and you owe money, the tree owner still has to collect it. Just don’t pay the judgment. They will have to pay more to get the judgment enforced."
"Since you don’t have any assets, the most the judge can do is garnish wages. Just file for bankruptcy, and even that judgment goes away." - MeaParticular1327
"When your max insurance is $50,00O, it becomes a take it or leave it situation. Sure, sue us for $10 million, but guess what? All we can give you is $50,000. Sometimes that’s the end of it."
"If you're immediately jumping to divorce over this, I can't help but think that you were looking for a way out." - zxvasd
"Not an attorney. I think you will be financially responsible even if you divorce since you were married when it happened. The only way forward is to work through this to get it behind you both."
"Be a grown-up and help your wife through this. Go to therapy together since you clearly are angry and resentful, and that will not go away." - wildearthmage
"Yikes… You aren’t overreacting, but you are reacting terribly. I can’t tell you how profoundly this would destroy me if my husband bounced at my lowest. Yikes man. Yikes." - FlyingSpaghettiFell
"Hold on. Your panic is premature."
"The insurance company cannot settle the case for more than the available policy limits and require you or your wife to contribute additional money without consent. Nor is the carrier likely to tender the policy limits without a general release from any further personal liability."
"That leaves them with a practical choice: accept the available policy limits and release your wife, or reject the settlement and proceed to trial. Litigation is expensive. They will need one or more experts to prove value; experts are expensive."
"Even if they obtain a huge verdict, the insurance company would pay only the policy limit. They would then have to deduct litigation and expert witness expenses (say $20,000) and pay their lawyer's contingency fee (say one-third of the net recovery), leaving $20,000 for their trouble. After that, they would still have to pursue your wife personally to collect any amount above the policy limits."
"Realistically, your wife is judgment-proof in that she has no readily recoverable assets. From their perspective, the smart choice is to accept the $50,000 available now."
"This is what I would expect their lawyer to tell them. Fortunately, the sensible outcome for them is also the best outcome for your wife."
"Also, assuming the vehicle was not titled in your name, you should not be personally responsible merely because you are married. There is no reason at this point to be contemplating divorce." - ZER0-P0INT-ZER0
Others side-eyed the OP, certain that he was just looking for a reason to leave his wife if this was what he was considering divorce over.
"YOR. You should probably get a divorce though, if you are this worried about money over your wife." - Professional_Ad_5437
"'I don’t know if I can willingly sign up for years of shared burdens and struggle.' Buddy, you’ve already signed up. What the f**k did you think you were signing papers for when you got married?"
"Being married comes with benefits, but it also comes with responsibilities." - chewquietlypls
"This is EXACTLY what you signed up for when you got married? Better, worse? Richer, poorer? The whole point of marrying is supposed to be that you want to share a life with someone, no matter what struggles occur along the way."
"There are exceptions to everything, but damn this is a s**tty reason to even think about abandoning someone he claims to love." - Conscious-Sense-9763
"Yeah, this is crazy. And he says he loves his wife."
"I’d be p**sed at my wife, but if she is genuinely remorseful and doesn’t try to minimize how much of a f**k-up that was, the last thing on my mind would be running away from her."
"You never truly know someone, but I believe my wife would be by my side no matter what, unless I committed some heinous act. And I feel the same way about her."
"That’s the whole point of marriage, for better or worse. If you don’t feel that way about your spouse, you likely shouldn’t be married in the first place." - Tigerslovecows
"A lawyer said in another comment that they likely won’t be on the hook for the other 95k. OP can see that and pretend he wasn’t going to abandon his wife over money. I get that it’s an upsetting situation, but d**n, his first thought is divorce." - zemorah
Some agreed and hoped the OP's wife knew who she was married to.
"'For better or worse' means literally that. If she won the lotto, you’d want all in on that. The opposite happened; you don’t get to just bail because of some hefty bills now. F**k's sake, man up." - Cheddahnuggets
"His poor wife. So much for sticking with someone for better or worse. I hope she never gets cancer. He’d leave her immediately." - BeckonMe
"I’m stuck on this one. Like yeah, she is a total dumba** for texting and driving, and that tree could’ve easily been someone’s kid playing in the yard, and she’d have sacrificed a living being and her future just for a text message. I don’t have empathy for people who text and drive, to be honest."
"On the other hand, that’s YOUR dumba**. You married her."
"I don’t think you can divorce mid-legal battle and get away free like you were never there. I think you’re valid for wanting to run away from a big, scary problem, but imagine how crushed YOU would feel if you were the one who ran into an extinct tree and now suddenly you’re in this very stressful and overwhelming debt and legal battle, and ON TOP OF THAT your wife, your beloved, leaves your a**."
"That would feel so horrible. It’s normal to want to run away, but you’ve got to come back down to earth. She’s dumb as h**l for that and honestly hope she never texts and drives again, but clearly you love her enough to marry her to begin with."
"Don’t jump out when things get hard, that’s what you literally signed up for, to stick around. You have a choice to either let this experience make you better as a couple, or make you bitter. It’s a choice." - SatinJerk
"Yeah, she was stupid as h**l for texting and driving. No question. But it’s funny how he focuses on the money instead of love. I kind of hope his wife sees this so she knows who she's married to." - reddskittlesonly
"I was thinking that this is such a specific situation, someone they know has to see this, and I hope she finds out who she married. Again, understand being upset about the selfishness and recklessness of distracted driving, but that’s not his focus. Even at that, I understand being scared about the financial repercussions, but in that case this feels like OP is YOR." - Exciting_Carob_1413
"The kind of guy to leave when you get cancer. Hope she realizes he never meant the for worse part."
"Now, I do know people who have gotten legally divorced (in the US) for the sake of medical bills and getting medical assistance like Medicare, but remained in a relationship. The spouse just needed to not be financially drained, as well, but in those cases, we’re talking about the systems the US has in place that have cliffs of eligibility. But again, those people stayed in a relationship otherwise."
"This guy just seems like he’d bounce. His poor wife. I hope she finds out sooner rather than later so she doesn't waste her life on him." - otterparade
The subReddit understood that the OP was overwhelmed over what was legally and financially ahead, but they couldn't help but judge him for entertaining the idea of abandoning his wife when the going got tough.
She made a terribly stupid mistake, but divorcing someone over a mistake and debt is so cold and would undoubtedly be detrimental to his wife.
