Parenting post-divorce can be a minefield of issues.
It's especially problematic when the divorcing parties don't always see eye to eye.
That of course leads to drama with the kids.
And kids don't often take well to being stuck in the middle.
But sometimes, it's inevitable.
Redditor tree_goddess wanted to discuss their experience and get some feedback. So naturally, they came to visit the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subReddit.
They asked:
"AITA for not letting my teenager take the car I purchased to the other house during dad's custody time?"
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
"I have 50/50 custody of my son (M[ale]16), he stays at both houses for a week at a time."
"Over a year ago, I started conversations with my ex-husband to figure out how we were going to purchase a car for our son to use."
"Both households are making good money, but there are 9 kids total after we both got remarried."
"My ex was not responsive."
"Basically, he ignored me because he said 'If I buy our son a car then I have to buy the step kids cars too.'"
"After months of waiting, I decided to buy my son a car."
"I own it outright."
"I gave his dad the opportunity to buy it by paying me half the vehicle's value interest-free over 60 months."
"That totaled $109 a month for 5 years."
"I required him to sign a contract that detailed the payments and that the kid would own the car once it was paid off."
"My ex balked at that and said he wasn't paying anything."
"So, the car is staying at my house during the 15 days a month my son is at his dad's."
"My son is mad at me because I'm 'being petty.'"
The OP was left to wonder:
"Am I the a**hole for not letting him take the car to his Dad's?"
Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed some options to the question AITA:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA – You're The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
Many Redditors declared OP would NOT BE the A**hole.
"I personally think you're NTA, vehicles are expensive to not only purchase but also maintain."
"It's very likely he would be tasked with taking siblings to other places, impacting his free time and your expenses."
"You shouldn't have to bear the cost of that alone." ~ candylandking-lol
"You are the car's owner you set the rules, including buying a cheap dash cam with an interior camera and installing it for 'safety' as well as the rules that since your ex doesn't want to pay for the car that the step-siblings aren't allowed in the car until the loan is paid off."
"The dashcam footage is your evidence of violations of the rules."
"Your son shouldn't hate this as he can have friends in the car just not step-siblings." ~ bill-schick
"So don't call it a gift."
"You bought yourself a car and allowed the kid to use it when he's there."
"Nothing wrong with that but definitely not his car like you're claiming." ~ chandelurei
"NTA. You have valid concerns, and his father hasn't been helpful with this milestone."
"Your son is only 16."
"He needs to get experience driving before being responsible for transporting anyone anywhere." ~ Dixieland_Insanity
"Don't forget that in many states, it is illegal for a driver under the age of 18 to have passengers except under very specific circumstances."
"OP is right to not allow the car to go to her ex's home."
"He will totally take advantage of their son's new mobility without any care for potential negative consequences. NTA." ~ BunnySlayer64
"Exactly. Not having access 50% of the time is not a punishment."
"Having access 50% of the time is an absolute privilege."
"One denied to many."
"Seems like teenage son is forgetting to be grateful and have an appreciation for what he does get, as opposed to merely expecting what he feels entitled to." ~ ph8drus
"Explain this thoroughly to your son."
"Have a seated, targeted conversation."
"Come up with all of the reasons ahead of your conversation."
"Let him know that you are helping him to protect his property, because you don't have the spare funds for extra maintenance, professional cleaning, replacement of rugs, etc."
"Let him know you have no control over what his Dad will ask him to do with the car, and if he is asked to transport siblings in his car, they will most likely trash it."
"If he understands that you aren't just being petty (you aren't), he will be more willing to deal with the hassle." ~ BlackLakeBlueFish
"NTA. I'm a parent and would make some kind of compromise with him where he can show you he's responsible."
"Something along the lines of the car being yours for him to use while with you while he is 16."
"Once he turns 17, he can show you he's responsible by maintaining the car( keeping it clean, using it reasonably, etc) and using it regardless of which home he's at."
"If he's irresponsible, the consequence would be to only use the car at your place or it's taken away."
"If he takes good care of the car, it's his once he turns 18, if he pays the $109 a month, depending on your financial situation."
"This gives him a full year to show you he's capable."
"This will encourage him to be reasonable with you being less controlling." ~ Spirited-Hall-2805
"Explain to your son EXACTLY what you just said."
"Explain to your son the contract you went out of your way to offer to Dad."
"Let him know Dad was the one to want no part of it."
"Explain this to your son."
"He will understand and then he needs to apply this same pressure towards his dad."
"Son needs to know his dad thinks $109 per month is more important than his son driving 15 days per month." ~ Missouri_Milk_Man
"I think that if you have explained to your son that keeping the car at your house protects you and your son from liability (something that he really won't be able to understand very well at his age), then it doesn't matter what his reaction is."
"You are 100% correct in not wanting this car to be at his dad's house."
"You should ask your son to choose between two options..."
"1- Not having the car at all (ie you sell it and get your money back, not money for your teenager) or..."
"2- He has no car at all."
"I'm sure that he will choose to have a car 50% of the time vs no car at any time."
"Sometimes our teenagers will not understand the decisions that we make, but we can still make them." ~ Opportunity_Massive
"NTA. Your husband didn't want to buy a car because then 'he'd have to buy a car for the stepchildren' which tells me that he might have a hard time saying no to either stepkids or wife or both."
"So, not only are you no there to sort of monitor the choices your son is making with his car (when he's going out and who with), which matters to you because the car is not paid for and I'm assuming you also have him on your insurance."
"You don't know if Dad will be driving it, or stepmom, or step-siblings."
"Sending it with him you are leaving him in the position of having to decide what you would be comfortable with in terms of car use and then sticking with it."
"It's a lot for a kid."
"And there is the legal liability if he is doing anything reckless."
"You paid for and furnished the car so legally it could all be on you if something goes badly." ~ Ok_Strawberry_197
"NTA - I'll bet $50 that your ex would make your son take all the siblings (step or half) everywhere in the car."
"They will damage it and then your ex will leave you paying for the repairs."
"Tell your ex that the car can live at his house with your son when your ex pays half of the insurance."
"Yes, I agree it sucks for your son."
"But you're protecting his car." ~ bdayqueen
"NTA. This is your car, which you purchased for your son to use for his transportation needs."
"But it's your car."
"Doesn't sound like your child contributed to the purchase costs or insurance."
"Who pays for damages?"
"Who pays for gas, particularly if your child is forced to drive siblings around?"
"It sounds like your ex is just mad they don't have an additional taxi at the house."
"Explain to your son that you know it's frustrating, that it probably feels like he is being punished for your ex not contributing, but in reality, you are looking to protect this asset from damage and wear and tear."
"What would happen if he's forced to loan it or use it at that house and it gets damaged?"
"What does he think will happen?"
"Because it doesn't sound like ex will be helping."
"Growing up I had a car to drive, but it was made crystal clear that my parents bought it."
"They were paying for insurance, it was THEIR car, and it was available for me to drive because it made things more convenient if I was able to drive myself to where I needed to go."
"You said your ex contributes a little towards insurance."
"I would stop making him do that."
"He's made it clear he isn't interested in supporting your son having a vehicle except when it benefits your ex."
"It's just a small thing he can hold over your head." ~ Public_Pomelo8266
"NTA. You can't trust that his dad won't drive it or give it to one of the other kids to drive You would be held liable for any accidents any of them cause." ~ murphy2345678
"NTA. Just explain to your son that the car and its maintenance are fully funded by you and not the ex."
"Ask your son if the ex ever forces him to drive his kids and stepkids around in their family car."
"Then explain how you, as the car owner and sole car insurance holder, that YOU are liable for anything that happens in that vehicle."
"Not your son, not your ex, you."
"If he still doesn't get it, maybe he is too young for a car." ~ LindonLilBlueBalls
"NTA - Explain that the car is a perk for the time he spends in your care."
"It is no different than you buying a TV for his room and not letting him take it to his father's house." ~ TheJokersWild53
"In a shared custody arrangement, it is not the responsibility of one parent to supply anything during their non-custodial time."
"Since the mother owns the car outright, it is hers and belongs at her house."
"If dad had paid for half, perhaps the car would have been in the son's name it would be his and would belong where he was staying."
"The child is 16 years old."
"If he wants a car full-time, he can choose to live in the house that provides one. NTA." ~ Rye_One_
"NTA, like you said it is your car that you allow your son to use."
"If his father had contributed it would have been the son's car, but the father did not."
"It sucks for your son, but he can experience what living with his father is like just like his step-siblings." ~ Just_a_guy_1369
"No, you are NTA... you bought it, it stays with you, it is essentially your car."
"Your son calling you petty just wants to guilt you and make you feel bad, those kids try very hard to wear us down, hoping we will give in."
"Everyone will want to use the car there and not take responsibility if something happens, and maybe not even care about the car."
"I would explain to your son because of the current situation and the ex not putting money into it and being a jerk about it, let it be a learning curve for him on the realities of our decisions and choices, if anything he should be on his dad's case for not helping."
"Your car... your decision." ~ the_power_of_a_prune
"NTA. If the car is at his father's house then anyone could take the keys and drive it and you would be responsible for accidents and damages to the car."
"Your ex can now cart your son around giving rides to and from places like always."
"I understand your son is upset but you are 100% on the hook for anything that goes wrong and that's not ok." ~ Wakemeup3000
"NTA, your son might not get it now but you are doing him a favor."
"His dad is more concerned about his step kids and I believe that he would let them use the car with or without your son's permission." ~ Secret_Double_9239
Reddit understands where you're coming from OP.
Your ex has put you in quite a predicament.
Stand your ground.
Hopefully, your son will come around.
Your generosity is going unappreciated and that's not okay.
Good luck.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp