It's tough once children become teens, because sometimes parents have to tell them "no" about something that has nothing to do with them.
But while the parent might think their teen will be taken advantage of or influenced, the teen might think that their parents just don't trust them, cringed the members of the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITAH) subReddit.
Redditor Excellent_Water3480 had been married to her husband for 10 years, and she enjoyed her stepdaughter, though co-parenting was sometimes hard because of how differently her stepdaughter's mother parented.
When it was time for her stepdaughter to visit her mother, the Original Poster (OP) was apprehensive about her stepdaughter taking her car because she felt her mother would be a bad influence and take advantage of her having a car.
She asked the sub:
"Am I the a**hole for not letting my stepdaughter use her car during her mom's custody visit?"
The OP loved her stepdaughter like her own.
"My husband and I have been married for 10 years."
"My stepdaughter (16 Female) just got a car that my husband and I pay for, to include on our insurance."
"I love my stepdaughter and treat her like my own. I’ve been in her life since she was four."
The OP did not parent in the same way as her stepdaughter's biological mother.
"It was HARD in the beginning. Her mom encourages and allows some very bad behaviors."
"She has since gotten better at understanding our house has structure, rules, and parents need to be respected (for context, her expectations have always been age-appropriate, and I make sure that when I say something, it has a reasonable tone. I don’t say, 'No,' or tell her to do something as some power-tripping, evil stepmother)."
"Her mom’s house is basically a free-for-all, with very few rules or structure."
"She often leaves my stepdaughter in charge of her two younger siblings."
"She also lives over an hour away."
The OP was apprehensive about her stepdaughter taking her new car for her visit with her mother.
"I have told my stepdaughter (with my husband agreeing) that we do not want her using our car, which we have given her, to travel to and from her mom's house or while under her mom's custody at all."
"My stepdaughter is obviously very upset by this and thinks she should be able to use 'her' car when she’s over there."
"My reasoning: I don’t want it being used to transport her siblings around, and I don't want my stepdaughter to be turned into some kind of chauffeur for her mom."
"I also don’t want to risk her mom driving it for whatever reason, since she often has car problems. I could easily imagine her viewing it as a second vehicle for herself and bullying my stepdaughter into letting her use it."
"All those issues aside, if there were to be an accident or emergency, I don’t feel comfortable being well over an hour away before either my husband or myself to take care of insurance claims, ensure everything is documented properly, etc."
The OP felt conflicted.
"My stepdaughter, aside from being upset that she can’t use it to drive around while out there, also has brought up that she would like to start working and needs transportation for that."
"That's reasonable, but in my opinion, the bad far outweighs the good here, and I stand firm on the idea that she should not have the car while in her mother’s custody."
"AITA?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You're the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some understood what the OP was trying to say, but they were concerned about the message she was sending to her stepdaughter.
"NAH. Whilst I appreciate your view and distrust of the mother, I’d imagine your stepdaughter's view is that it’s you not trusting her, which isn’t something you want to promote. Nor is it a long-term plan."
"Treat her like a soon-to-be adult, explain your concerns and that the responsibility of the car, and saying no to any requests is part of that, also that the car is not in fact your stepdaughter's and is a loaned vehicle owned by you and your husband." - Urbanyeti0
"I think it's important that you communicate each of those reasons to your stepdaughter.... kids don't understand the whole chauffeur thing until they're in the thick of it, but you are really, really doing her a solid in that respect, but she'll have a hard time appreciating it without the experience of the other side of it."
"But I think it's most important to establish boundaries around the 'her car' of it all.... even if she had bought it, you still have to be responsible for her and her well-being, regardless of whether she can appreciate it.... this will be hard, and how you communicate it will really be the test of AHness.... but as it stands? NTA." - everender8
"I think the NAH is because the teenager isn't an AH. She is just a teenager and doesn't understand the nuances of the situation."
"She sees 'no' as 'we don't trust you,' when in fact they do trust her. Otherwise, she wouldn't have the car in the first place; it's just that they don't trust her mother to respect her and allow her to say 'no.'"
"If that's what they mean, then I think NAH, because the discussion is currently between OP, her husband, and 16-year-old stepdaughter." - Environmental_Art591
"You and her father, especially, should be sharing your concerns with her. Surely she can see first-hand the problems that her mother's irresponsible car use has caused."
"I think it's reasonable because she's a new driver. Instead of making a decree for all time and space, why don't you let her know that you'd like her to get six months' experience under her belt before she's pushed into driving her siblings around?"
"When you revisit the issue in six months, see about getting her mother to sign a contract that she will not drive the car. And put an AirTag on it, so you can see where it goes. In a few months, you'll be able to see how responsible your daughter is with the car, and maybe relax your strictures a bit."
"Good luck, OP." - NeverRarelySometimes
Others understood the OP's concerns and validated her feelings.
"She's 16. She is a minor who cannot easily say no to her mother, who might randomly decide to take her keys away for some transgression."
"While a 16-year-old might own a car, they cannot legally sign contracts, finance, or register a vehicle in their own name."
"Giving their stepdaughter a car is a generous gift, but at that age, it comes with conditions. OP, NTA." - CaliforniaJade
"Why would OP and her husband trust a minor teenager who is being taken advantage of by the mother? She’s still a child and has to follow the rules laid down at either house. If mom’s requirements break the rules for the use of the car, then it’s simple not to allow the car at the mom’s."
"There’s no guarantee that mom would even agree to the stepdaughter getting a job if it cuts into her parenting time, so the talk of a possible job doesn’t mean much here." - Jmfroggie
"Mom might even see this car as an opportunity to sow dissension between the girl and her father and stepmother. Car owners set boundaries."
"Mom intentionally breaks them so they keep her from using the car and then can say, 'See what a**holes they are? They took your car to spite me and don't care if it hurts you. They aren't on your side, but I am.'" - say_the_words
"One of the grands wasn't even that young and managed to total a car she bought and paid the insurance on. Driving somewhere with a friend, radio on, overshot the turn, and instead of passing it and turning around, she decided to turn quickly, went on two wheels, and ended up in a ditch. Both girls were fine. The car was not."
"My point being, she's 16 and is going to a home where there are no rules. So, even if 'mom' never tries to use the car, little miss is going to be in a rules-free zone. Way too much opportunity for something to go wrong." - DragonflyFairyQueen
"Young adults are stupid, too, and are thrown out into the world without supervision. Giving teens reasonable responsibilities and a certain amount of trust helps them learn from the mistakes they WILL make safely, and that helps them a whole lot when they become independent."
"I'm not saying this situation is a great time for that, but the restricting attitude of 'don't trust them!' just hurts kids in the long run." - EleanorSeesThings
"It's not ABOUT trusting the daughter, though. It sounds like OP and hubby trust the daughter, but definitely DON'T trust the Mom."
"In this sort of case, I 100% understand why OP is saying No. The risk that the MOM will make poor choices and damage the car or put the daughter in an illegal or dangerous situation (driving minors whilst lacking the correct license or concentration skills) is very high."
"The trick will be in getting the daughter to understand and accept this." - KahurangiNZ
"All of the people in these comments saying OP is the a**hole clearly don’t know what it’s like to grow up with a parent who will use anyone and anything they can get their hands on… to include their own children. OP is protecting her stepdaughter." - Ok-North-1478
Though it was a complicated situation that the OP's stepdaughter was trying to see the full scope of, the OP and her husband were clearly trying to protect her.
They needed to make it clear to the OP's stepdaughter that this was about safety and other people's responsible personalities, rather than an indicator of how much they trusted her. If they didn't trust her, they wouldn't have supplied the car in the first place.
