It's easy for people to say that when a couple gets married, they should stick together through the good and the bad.
But it's harder to follow through when something traumatic like a car accident happens, pointed out the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor Own-Investment1682 had been with her husband for either years, including when he was in a motorcycle accident that forced him to use a wheelchair in the aftermath, and she initially did everything she could to help him.
But when her husband started to treat her more like a servant than his wife, the Original Poster (OP) no longer wanted to care for her husband, and she found herself questioning their marriage, as well.
She asked the sub:
"Am I overreacting for refusing to take care of my husband after an accident that left him disabled?"
The OP's husband was in a serious accident that changed their lives and marriage.
"I (34 Female) have been married to my husband, Jake (36 Male), for eight years. Until recently, I would have described our marriage as decent, though not perfect."
"About three years ago, Jake was in a serious motorcycle accident. He survived, but he suffered permanent injuries that left him unable to walk without assistance and unable to return to his previous job. It completely changed his life."
The OP tried to help her husband in any way that she could.
"For the first year after the accident, I did everything I could."
"I worked full-time, handled the bills, drove him to appointments, helped him with physical therapy, cooked, cleaned, and managed the house."
"I barely slept and honestly felt like I was drowning, but I loved him and wanted to support him."
But it wasn't the load that bothered the OP; it was her husband's behavior.
"The problem wasn’t his disability. The problem was how he started treating me."
"Jake became increasingly angry and bitter. He would insult me over small mistakes, accuse me of not doing enough, and constantly compare me to other spouses he saw online who had supposedly 'dedicated their lives' to caring for their partners."
"If I came home tired from work, he’d tell me I was selfish. If dinner was late, he’d complain for hours. If I wanted to spend time with friends, he’d accuse me of abandoning him."
"I kept telling myself he was struggling emotionally because of the accident. I encouraged therapy, counseling, and support groups. anything that might help."
"He refused every option and insisted that I was the problem."
But then the OP's husband took it too far.
"Things reached a breaking point last month."
"I had worked a 10-hour shift and came home exhausted."
"He demanded that I drive across town to pick up food because he didn’t like what I had cooked. When I said I was too tired, he threw the plate onto the floor and called me useless."
"For the first time, I snapped. I told him I was his wife, not his servant, and that I couldn’t keep sacrificing my physical and mental health while being treated like garbage."
The OP set a firm boundary.
"The next day, I moved into my sister’s guest room and informed him that I would help arrange professional care and continue contributing financially until he figured things out, but I would no longer be his primary caregiver."
"Now his family is furious. They say I’m abandoning a disabled man when he needs me most and that marriage means staying no matter what."
"Some of my friends agree, while others say I’ve already done more than enough."
"I don’t hate Jake, and I genuinely feel terrible about his situation. But after years of being verbally abused and taken for granted, I simply don’t think I can do it anymore."
"AIO?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NOR: Not Overreacting
- YOR: You're Overreacting
Some sympathized with the OP and understood how she was feeling.
"NOR. No, you’re not terrible. Yes, it was an incredibly tragic accident that I can’t imagine what it’s done to your husband."
"However, after years of taking care of him, I think he’s become so toxic that it makes sense you’re not in a relationship anymore. It’s not even about being a caretaker; it’s that he’s treated you horribly." - Active-Arachnid-2124
"NOR. Being disabled doesn't give him the right to abuse you."
"I don’t know what it’s like to have a disability, but it doesn’t mean you have a pass to treat others poorly. Dismissing what she cooked then demand her to go pick up food is horrible behavior." - Mindless-Damage-5399
"'...unable to walk without assistance and unable to return to his job'... I had a dear friend who was in a wheelchair with no use of their legs and only limited use of their arms. They still managed to get multiple degrees, teach, travel, garden, and do housework."
"Your husband is projecting all his bitterness about his situation onto you, and that's 100% wrong. NOR. You gotta do what you gotta do to preserve your sanity." - Wyshunnu
"My boyfriend is permanently disabled due to a car accident less than 10 years ago. He has significant leg damage, walks with a cane with some difficulty, is still processing the accident and the change it made on his life."
"He also has an advanced degree, a good full-time job/career (work-from-home), and does as much for himself as he can. He hates asking me for help even though I’m happy to provide it, and he’s always appreciative."
"Getting into an accident and having your entire life change in an instant SUUUCKS, but it’s not an excuse to be an abusive prick. NOR, OP. Get out of there and leave him to his family to take care of. You’ve done plenty." - Beelzebozo26
"It's almost like he is just daring her to leave, so then he can scream about the unfairness of it all. If he wasn't mentally healthy before this accident, he may have trouble keeping anyone around to assist him. There is nothing wrong with leaving because of all this abuse. He sounds like a nightmare." - Agile_Menu_9776
"NOR. I say this as someone who grew up with an older sibling in a wheelchair. (She has a T-3 spinal cord injury... I think. Anyways, complete paralysis in her legs and trunk.)"
"Did she need some assistance here and there? For sure! Was she also able to be self-sufficient and not be an extraordinary a**hole to those she asked to help her? Absolutely!"
"You said it best: you aren't his slave. You are his wife."
"He needs to get some therapy. Being paralyzed doesn't mean that he can't be self-sufficient or thrive. He's likely too hung up on what he's missing out on to adjust to his new normal. He may also have some internalized abelism happening."
"He needs to learn how to navigate his anger and find some healthy outlets because abusing you is not okay, no matter what level of paralysis he has. He should also find a support group. Meeting other people with similar disabilities may help him realize that his life didn't end when his legs stopped working. It just changed trajectory."
"Also, caretaker burnout is very real, even when the person you're taking care of is a literal angel. Hiring a caregiver is a great idea for both of you." - callmebuzzsaw
Others encouraged the OP to move on from this relationship, especially since her husband had a whole circle of family and friends there to support him.
"NOR. OP, free yourself of this abuse in your life. No one deserves abuse, and no one should ever have to put up with abuse."
"And the world is a much better place when you are no longer under someone else's thumb. I left an abusive situation myself and I know how difficult it is, but you got this!"
"And there is such a sense of relief and it's like your entire body comes down from being on the edge all the time. And it's a wonderful thing." - Helpful-Map507
"NOR. Invite his family to take care of him since they are concerned." - smallestsunflower
"It isn't the wife's job if he has abused her until she left the position. Nobody has to take that level of abuse. That woman needs a break and a life that she is able to be appreciated."
"It's like he thinks she is there to take all the anger and bitterness he has and just has to deal with it. Except she does not and should not take that kind of treatment." - Agile_Menu_9776
"NOR. You have done enough by arranging professional care for an abusive man. Tell his family to go take care of him since they have so much to say. You deserve better and being disabled does not give a person license to be an a**hole."
"Divorce him and enjoy your life, OP." - Anonyellow8484
"NOR. His family needs to step up and help. If that happened to someone in my family, a lot of family members would step up and support you both. Let them be furious."
"In my opinion, they’re just upset that they are now responsible for taking care of him. You did all the work. Now they have to." - picklebrains81
"NOR. Maybe this will give him the wake up call he needs. I get him being angry and bitter about his disability, but he doesn’t get to take it out on you. He desperately needs to get into therapy and take it seriously."
"Ignore those saying you signed up for a lifetime of abuse when you got married. You didn’t, and their opinions are worthless."
"By the way, your header should be, 'AIO for refusing to take care of my husband after he has spent years abusing me,' because that’s the real issue." - Kitsyn
The subReddit could be sympathetic to the husband for going through something horrible and not coping with it well, but they didn't believe it should come at the expense of his wife's physical health, mental health, or image.
If he was going to act like that, he was better off paying a professional for care, and if he and his family didn't like that, he needed to reevaluate how he treated his wife.
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