The phrase "pick me" person (girl, guy, etc...) refers to someone who acts desperate for approval or validation, usually from the opposite sex or a dominant social group, by putting down others or pretending to be "not like other people."
The phrase traces its roots to a dramatic scene in a 2005 episode of Grey's Anatomy where the character Meredith Grey begs a man to pick her, saying, "Pick me. Choose me. Love me." It had evolved into internet slang by 2016.
A teen turned to the "Am I The A**Hole" (AITAH) subReddit for feedback after calling out her mother's "pick me" behavior.
Similar to AITA, the AITAH subReddit allows posters to ask for advice and post about ending romantic relationships—both things that are banned on AITA. However, there are no required voting acronyms—only suggested ones—and no official final judgment declared.
Extension-Carrot3249 asked:
"AITAH for calling out my mom for acting like a 'pick me' in front of our friends and family?"
The original poster (OP) explained:
"I (18, female) always had an on and off relationship with my mother (46, female). While she can be very nice and supportive, she can also be very weird."
"For example, she’s always bragging about being the smallest in our family since both me and my sister are around 5’9, our father is 6’4, meanwhile she’s like 5’6—we're Slavic so she is shorter than average in our country. She always has to bring up her weight, or how certain people described her as 'tiny'."
"Both me and my sister are into weightlifting, therefore we are more muscular than average girls our age and our mom would often react with disgust when we’d show off our muscles as a joke and say how we’re 'starting to look like men'."
"Another thing she does is mock me and my sister for caring about our appearance such as doing our hair, makeup, nails etc... She takes pride in doing the bare minimum for her appearance and has this weird flex with being low maintenance."
"As a woman, your looks genuinely don’t even have to be on the list of your priorities, you do you, but I strongly believe that you have some issues if you believe that being low maintenance puts you on some kind of pedestal over women who concern themselves with their appearance. Which happens to be the case with my mom."
"As much as this irritated me while growing up, I’ve learned to ignore her snarky comments and backhanded compliments. However, recently when we were at a function, I caught her quite literally talking sh*t about MY FEET with my dad’s friend."
"She literally compared my feet with bear paws, said how my shoes are so huge on her. Meanwhile, my feet are a completely normal size and proportionate with my height and I just lost it."
"She was dissing my feet while talking to my dad’s coworker, to get a laugh out of him and highlighting how she’s 'daintier' and 'smaller' to gain approval."
"I’ve told her everything I’ve been keeping to myself for all these years, how nobody except for her cares about her being 'small and low maintenance', how annoying she actually sounds every time she brings it up, and that she actually should start taking care of her appearance because maybe then she’d be more satisfied with herself and wouldn’t have the constant need to put other women down."
"'Pick me' is usually a term used for girls/women who put other women down to gain validation from others, mostly men. That's her, all my life."
"I admit that it did kind of kill the vibe at the function and that nobody talked for the next 30 minutes, but I genuinely couldn’t care less because I am tired of being the butt of her conversations any time we have some company."
"Afterwards, she confronted me about my outburst and said how my words hurt her, which did make me feel a little bad, but in the same way she never really considered if her words hurt ME for all these years she’s been picking apart my appearance, habits and comparing herself to me."
"So tell me, AITAH?"
The OP later added:
"Honestly, I’ve expected more from a woman who has two daughters. Like, we are supposed to have each other’s backs whether we are 5’0 or 7’0 feet tall. Like, WHY are you turning this into a competition‽"
"When I was 15/16, I used to have terrible acne and my mom would always get all up in my face and point out any new pimple I’ve got."
"Now my skin has cleared up drastically, but she still keeps insisting that I have problematic skin… You can never win."
"My sister is glad I stood up for myself, but she also told me how I should’ve kept it for later instead of exploding in front of everyone, which I do agree with to some extent."
"She has been fighting with mom for a while and we both realized that she simply won’t change her attitude no matter how much we talk, so now my sister is encouraging me to just ignore her comments and let her be obnoxious."
Some Redditors weighed in by using the AITA voting acronyms:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA - You're The A**hole
- NAH - No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
- INFO - more information needed
Redditors decided the OP was not wrong to tell her mother how she feels about all the insults and comparisons (NTA).
"NTA. Your reply should have been ‘but it’s okay for your words to hurt me’?" ~ Clear-Cabinet7167
"Or 'now you know how I have felt for YEARS'. NTA, OP." ~ jodivon
"My mom is also weirdly obsessed with finding any flaw and pointing it out to my sister and myself. HOWEVER, when my skin looks good and I lost 20lbs, it was crickets."
"Same with my sister and we both find it weird and have spoken to her about it on numerous occasions. She will stop for awhile or give a compliment, but will eventually go back to her old ways."
"It's very frustrating and at times hurtful. She is 83, so she is not going to change but UGH!" ~ Toniann127
"Your mother is mental for treating her kids like competition rather than as her children. After almost two decades though, I think you should probably work on accepting that she is selfish and will never change because this is just who she is." ~ nerd_is_a_verb
"She wants to make you feel small and worthless. She is definitely small, in the sense that she’s petty and mean."
"Just openly blow her off. Practice saying “Yeah, I don’t really care about your opinion of me” in the most unbothered voice you can, and respond to her nasty little critiques."
"You’re bigger than her, you’re stronger than her, you’re young and living your life and discovering who you want to be in this world. She is small and irrelevant with small and irrelevant opinions."
"She loves feeling small? Fine. Nothing makes a person feel smaller than being openly brushed to the side." ~ Adept_Jaguar8613
"My grandmother was like this. Never had a nice thing to say about anyone. When she was close to dying, she had a few lucid days so I went to visit her."
"She asked me when the baby was due (not pregnant) and then asked me what my husband thought of 'all that' while motioning to my stomach. It was a really nice death visit." ~ brookmachine
"Yeah, I think for some in that generation giving another woman a compliment is foreign. It seems to be the norm to look for flaws and that applied not only to strangers but primarily for the girls and women in their families.
"My Aunt was the queen of that sh*t. It was so annoying. A few women in my family also partake in the 'judgement'—not to the degree of my Aunt. She could be just mean."
"She was GORGEOUS up to the day she died at 93, but had a nasty petty soul. It just taught my cousins and I to be kind and supportive to each other and women and people in general. Silver lining to the bullsh*t." ~ Toniann127
After receiving a lot of feedback, OP added:
"To all of you commenting, I’d like to say that I deeply appreciate your support and I am grateful from the bottom of my heart for everyone being so understanding and supportive."
"However I would like to ask some of you to not write extremely mean things about my mother. YOU ARE ALL ALLOWED TO CRITICIZE, BUT NOT TO WISH THE WORST UPON HER AND CALL HER TERRIBLE NAMES."
"Please do not go as far as saying that she deserves horrible things happening to her because of her actions and words. Even if she wasn’t always the kindest to me, she is still my mom, and I kindly ask you for some understanding since she grew up in an era when all your self-worth was tied to how small you are."
"I definitely don’t think that should be an excuse for her behavior; that was still what was drilled into her head ever since she was a little girl, and breaking from that toxic mindset can be very challenging."
"To all of you being supportive and respectful, thank you; I appreciate and love all of you."
OP has realized their mother has no desire to stop insulting her or her sister.
All she can really control are her reactions and, now that she's 18, how much contact her mother is allowed to have with her.
Expectant Dad Of Two Livid After Brother Questions Why He'd Bring Another Kid Into Bleak World
It's no secret that a lot of people are struggling right now, from the cost of living to job insecurity to food insecurity to poor housing. But that doesn't mean we have to stop living.
For many people, that means still starting and growing their families, while planning how to navigate the world we're currently in, pointed out the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor DesignerOwn1141 and his wife knew that the world around them wasn't at its best right now, but they were eager to grow their family and were excited to bring a third child into the world.
When they announced their pregnancy, his brother's first reaction was to send him articles about how the world was doomed and shame him for bringing a child into it; the Original Poster (OP) wondered if he needed to block his own brother.
He asked the sub:
The OP and his wife were excited to welcome a third child into their family.
"I am 33 and male. My wife is 29."
"We have two sons, a six-year-old boy and a three-year-old boy. Both are happy, healthy, and well taken care of."
"We love being parents to them, and I work very hard to provide a good life for my family."
"My wife is four months pregnant with our third."
The OP's brother's life was very different from his.
"My younger brother has been something of a failure-to-launch case."
"Despite having every advantage, he never got good grades in school, was addicted to 'League of Legends' so severely that he barely scraped by, and spends his days streaming games to nearly no viewers on Twitch."
"I've watched his stream a few times, but he just rages constantly."
"My wife is too classy to ever say so, but I can tell he makes her uncomfortable."
"He's my brother, so I've long wanted to believe he's just bad at communicating with people, but to be frank, he's sort of just an a**hole. He's unapologetic whenever he says something hurtful and more likely to just double down and say, 'No cap.'"
"But if anyone so much as challenges his views, he throws a huge fit."
The OP tried to share his happy news with his brother, but his brother immediately squandered it.
"Recently, we announced she was pregnant with our third child. It's a joyous occasion for us because we wanted three children, and our other two sons are excited about having another brother or sister."
"When I texted my brother the news, he immediately said he couldn't imagine having children with the world the way it was."
"I asked what he meant, and he started sending me these articles about global warming, the plague in Russia, wars around the world, and so on."
"He seems convinced that the world is going to end in ten years tops, and that I'm only bringing up another child to die in the 'water wars.'"
"I was honestly disgusted with him. To tell someone that their unborn child is going to die, that their other children are going to die, is absolutely abhorrent behavior."
"But since he's always been a sensitive s**thead, I just said, 'Whatever, man,' and stopped reading his texts."
"He wouldn't stop. He kept sending me every doomer article. He said that when the clouds evaporate, the earth is going to get 15 degrees hotter. He said that AI is going to hack every government database. He said that China is going to invade Taiwan, and then it'll be war with the US and allies against Russia, China, North Korea, and Iran."
The OP had had enough of his brother's negative feedback.
"Finally, I just told him I was blocking him and thought little of the decision."
"He went and cried to our parents (again, he's the most sensitive s**tbag in the world), and they told me what I did was over the top."
"I know that if I unblock him, he's just going to doomspam me again."
"Am I wrong for just straight-up saying I never want him in my life again?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that they understood why he felt the need to distance himself from his brother.
"NOR. He sounds insufferable."
"He sounds like one of those people who doesn't like his life and so wants everyone else to be miserable too, or makes excuses for why he didn't do more with his life by blaming his problems on some external crisis." - savingrain
"NOR. He's allowed to protect his peace, especially if his brother keeps ignoring boundaries and turning every conversation into another end-of-the-world prediction, and having kids is hardly a reason to apologize for trying to build a good life despite everything going on." - Upper-Cloud9097
"NOR. But your brother is on his way to a full mental breakdown. Send him back cute dog and cat videos. Cute horse videos. Ozzy animal voiceovers."
"Eventually his phone will start thinking he's like me and his feed will calm down." - Present_Original_797
"I mean, my beliefs and thoughts about the future are along the same lines as him, and that’s why I’m an anti-natalist, but there’s something called tact. And personal choice/autonomy."
"If someone chooses to have kids, that’s their choice, and I’d keep my opinions to myself and be supportive, especially if they’re a family member. Spreading doomer content is extremely insensitive and rude. NOR." - EngineerGold4242
"NOR: I wonder whether your brother is displaying sibling jealousy towards you and your family; he recognizes his own shortcomings and can see where he is in life compared to you, and that is his major issue."
"Days filled with unfulfilling computer games and doomspamming others, he has a lot of maturing to do. Block him until or unless he decides to join the adult world and be the uncle he is supposed to be." - iron_redditman
"NOR. I have all those fears and as such actively avoid news about them. I skipped whole paragraphs here for that reason too, lol."
"I’d definitely block my sibling or anybody else who did that to me. I already know all these things; I don’t need constant reminders. All I can do is work on improving my little corner of the world and trudge forward."
"Anyway, protect your peace." - hahagato
"You are not obligated to bond with someone just because you share blood. It’s your peace and your family that you need to protect now. If you decide to go zero contact, it’s perfectly okay!"
"Especially because you and your wife are in charge of two, almost three, little guys, and your mental peace affect directly to them."
"PS. Historically, the world has always been on the edge, but nothing stops us to be what we are, humans trying to get over all the s**t! So don’t let those bad things put you down. We can build a better world by raising kind, lovely people, and it seems you and your wife are doing it. Good luck!" - Camigatoespinace92
Others advised the OP to involve his parents in case they could help his brother.
"Unblock him and then send everything he texts you to both mom and dad. No comments, just forward it."
"They'll think you're sending it, and when they complain, you can tell them that you thought they'd be interested in your brother's articles as well."
"NOR." - No_Address687
"NOR. Your parents don't know the half of it. Forward everything and let them read it for themselves." - Available_Agent3305
"NOR. I’d keep him blocked; your parents are wrong. If you want to be petty, start sending your parents article after article of stuff you know they won’t like. They will get the hint soon enough." - OldieButNotMoldy
"I would also go low contact with the OP's parents. OP is clearly NOT the favorite son. Any boundaries he put up with his brother will be considered wrong. NOR." - Interesting_Novel997
"NOR, but also my first reaction is that your brother isn't a 'sensitive s**tbag,' he is struggling with anxiety/depression and maybe undiagnosed neurodivergence and is drowning in his own ruminations. None of that makes this an appropriate response to a pregnancy announcement; it's clearly not. But he sounds like someone who is clearly struggling here."
"If it were me, I'd be sending your parents anything he previously sent you. If they share your concern after reading a few articles, maybe they'll take steps to help him." - 2kidsnomoney---
"NOR. I'm sorry to say this, OP, but your brother has not been socialized normally. He is a chronically online loser who thinks he can do and say whatever he wants and does not understand there are no consequences because there are often no consequences when he does it in a league match or online."
"It frankly sounds like your concern for him and his future is budding into resentment and contempt, and I feel like, as most brothers would, those are not the feelings you want to hold towards him."
"I have a brother like this. He was diagnosed as an adult with Asperger’s and now just a spectrum autism diagnosis, but he’s a real a**."
"You may have to unblock him to communicate fairly. It may be worth doing this in person because it’s easier for the chronically online to 'craft' their retort rather than be a part of a conversation."
"Before you can do that, though, you need to sit down with your parents. You need to explain and be able to articulate that:"
"1. His reaction to the wonderful news of you having another child crossed the line and was inappropriate."
"2. There need to be reasonable consequences or boundaries because you are no longer willing to put up with that."
"3. It is his call at this point whether or not he wants to be in your life and your children’s lives."
"You have to have their buy-in; otherwise they are just going to continue to coddle and enable this behavior."
"Then you need to sit down with him and your parents, intervention style. You need to present the same argument you did to your parents, and in all honestly, I would question him in return: what was he hoping would have been the outcome of that conversation?"
"Did he want you to say he’s so right, so smart? Did he want you to go to your wife and tell her to abort? Does he feel like he is in a place in his life where he can be your family planner and manager? When he crosses a line, what does he feel should happen?"
"Only when he is directly confronted, and you have the right supports in place, can he be presented with how his behavior affected you and what that could possibly mean for his relationship with you and your growing family." - allison_mossie
The subreddit understood feeling burdened by so much negative information during what should be a happy time of planning and anticipating a new addition to the family, but the OP needed time to think about what he wanted his larger family dynamic to look like.
That might mean removing his brother, so that the OP could protect his own, and by extension, his wife's and children's, mental health, but it might mean minimizing contact with other people, too, if they weren't willing to respect the OP's boundaries he had for his family's life.