According to the National Institutes of Health, premarital sex in the United States is now nearly universal and highly normative, with roughly 95% of Americans disclosing in a 2024 study to having sex before marriage.
But just because most people are doing it doesn't mean they're admitting to their family that they've been sexually active.
People from more restrictive environments, culturally or religiously, are not less likely to engage in premarital sex than those from permissive households. Some studies have shown that teens who receive comprehensive sex education are less likely to engage in sex as teens than those receiving none or abstinence-only education.
More restricted environments are more likely to result in more lying, not more compliance.
A question people growing up in those environments need to ask is at what age is it reasonable for an adult to live their own life and make their own decisions? 20, 30, 40, never? How much lying do they want to do and for how long?
A Redditor in their 30s turned to the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subReddit for feedback over a conflict at a recent wedding with a longtime friend.
IfMoanaHatesTheSea asked:
"AITA for not switching hotel rooms to allow my friend and her boyfriend to be together?"
The original poster (OP) explained:
"I recently got back from a wedding, and need some objective 3rd party advice!"
"We are all a longtime group of college friends in our 30s attending a wedding of a couple from our college class. As this was a destination wedding, the bride and groom were able to obtain a deal for discounted hotel rooms, two people to a room."
"Now I happened to have a number of loyalty points at this hotel, so I actually got a nicer single suite for cheaper. I cleared it with the bride and groom, who had no issues. I'm fairly introverted and just wanted to be able to switch off between wedding events."
"Now two of my friends attending this wedding are dating each other, let's call them Daphne and Fred. Daphne and Fred come from a strict religious background and are of two different religions. This has obviously caused tension within their families and their own relationship."
"Daphne found out that I had my own room, and asked if I could swap with her, so then she and Fred could stay together in my suite. I said no because I wanted my own space, not to share her room with the person she was supposed to stay with, and spent my own points to get one."
"Daphne offered to refund the difference in points, but explained she and Fred couldn't publicly be seen sharing a room, and this was the only way for them to spend time together. I still denied her request, explaining my reasons above."
"And also, in all honesty, I wasn't comfortable being part of any deceit of their families. Daphne particularly fixated on this last point."
"Daphne has been calling me selfish and hypocritical for 'conforming to outdated societal views on dating' and not letting her have this time with Fred. I don't think I'm being selfish for wanting my own room and not wanting to be a part of their relationship issues with their own families."
"So AITA in this situation?"
Redditors weighed in using the AITA voting acronyms:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA - You're The A**hole
- NAH - No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
- INFO - more information needed
Redditors decided the OP was not the a**hole (NTA).
"NTA. They're both adults. If they want their own room, they should get their own room." ~ MerlinBiggs
"Exactly. OP is 'conforming to outdated societal views', but these people in their 30s are literally scared of renting their own room?" ~ Significant-Dog1026
"Right? I also don't get why they need OP's room specifically. Why can't they rent their own room and, I guess if they want to keep up appearances, keep their roommate rooms, too?"
"Oh, they didn't want to spend that much extra money and just wanted to take advantage of OP? What even is their end game? Sneak around forever? Stupid." ~ inductiononN
"They’re already lying, they could each say they got their own suite like OP, who would know or care?"
"OR, they could just stop 'conforming to outdated societal views on dating' and tell the truth." ~ MarionberryOk2874
"The simplest way would have just been for the couple to ask one of their 'assigned' roommates to swap rooms.They don’t need OP’s room at all."
"Probably just wanted the room because it was better/upgraded."
"The reasoning makes no sense at all. They could just as easily be seen coming out of OP’s room as any other room." ~ walking_dead_girl
"Seriously, what an odd problem to have in your 30s." ~ Mocinder
"Yes! OP got the room because of HER loyalty points. What kind of entitled person thinks they are owed the points she racked up? I would keep driving that point home to anyone who asks."
"'They were my points I worked hard for.' THEY could have used their own points or paid for their own room. They want something for free, for f*ck's sake." ~ LaurelCanyoner
"NTA. OP isn't even conforming to the societal views, they just don't want to be part of the lies and drama. If the couple wants their own room, then pay for it, otherwise deal with what they have. Don't take advantage of OP." ~ Kheslo
"Adults in their 30’s! Time to grow up! They are old enough to pay to have their secret relationship or old enough to grow a pair and do what they want." ~ juicinginparadise
"For real. They're mad at OP for 'conforming' when they are the ones guilty of that. With all the sneaking around they are just perpetuating the outdated dating societal views which they claim to hate." ~ IceSeeker
"And they’re 30-something, not 19. Time to live their own lives and ignore the families." ~ rainyhawk
"Even if they offered double the points, OP isn't a booking agency. Wanting your own private space as an introvert is reason enough to say no." ~ Azuraela
"Right? And how rich of Daphne to say that OP is 'conforming to outdated societal views on dating.' Daphne should get her head out of her conforming-to-outdated-societal-views-on-dating a** and get her own room with her own grown-up money. But maybe she can't because her outdated family probably checks her credit card." ~ Much_Luck2470
"This exactly. If Daphne wants to take on the 'outdated societal views on dating,' she should get her room with her boyfriend."
"To expect OP to take part in the subterfuge and sneaking around at the cost of OP’s comfort and hotel points‽‽ The audacity!!"
"OP NTA. Just tell Daphne to grow up and get her own room." ~ RicinIsSurfing
"Yup! Daphne and Fred can go shack up in the Mystery Machine or just get their own room situation sorted."
"It’s not your fault you thought ahead and they didn’t. Funny how she wants to call you selfish for not giving into her own selfish wants…" ~ Drkevorkianmds69
"NTA. There was nothing stopping them from getting and paying for their own hotel room with cash. If they didn't think of it, that's on them. They're in their 30s, not teenagers for f*ck's sake." ~ Jodenaje
"I bet the reason they don’t get their own rooms is that they still rely on their parents to buy all their sh*t, including hotel rooms. That’s the only conceivable way someone in their 30s would still let their parents decide something like hotel accommodations, because they are using their parents’ credit card numbers and their purchases get tracked." ~ ivegotaqueso
"NTA. Everyone is an adult. Just because families disapprove doesn't mean they have to be a secret. Daphne needs to be an adult. You paid for your hotel room and deserve to enjoy it." ~ swtlulu2007
"It's the audacity for me. How can Daphne accuse OP of being hypocritical, selfish and conforming to outdated societal views on dating? But you're the one dating in secret?"
"You're in your 30s, and wearing two different faces to the world. Just own your life and let the chips fall where they may. Why take out your anger about the situation you put yourself in on OP?"
"You just watched your friends get married, this may be an unattainable dream to you, but OP is the villain? Good luck with that." ~ NextSplit2683
"Spot on. Shouting 'conforming to societal views' at someone else while actively living a double life because you're terrified of your parents is peak delusion. She's mad at her own life choices and just wanted a scapegoat." ~ Sixsaltedlemons
"I'd be petty and salty enough to drop the truth bomb at the wedding, especially since they're being manipulative and trying to guilt OP." ~ WholeAd2742
"Because if they get a room together people will know they are having sex. At least one of them believes that having sex before marriage is wrong. Or possibly it is only that they don't want to hear complaints from family who believe it is wrong."
"Therefore they have to hide it. But it doesn't stop them from doing it because they are hypocrites. None of that is OP's problem or baggage to deal with. They are grown-a** adults and should own their choices and decisions." ~ Kylynara
OP booked a hotel suite and used it. Nothing really stopped Daphne and Fred from doing the same thing.
If they're too concerned about their families' opinions, maybe they should conform to their outdated societal views on dating and break up until they're old enough to make a decision that doesn't require lying, sneaking around, and manipulating other people.
