There's a saying that an invitation isn't a summons. Invited guests are under no obligation to attend any event for any reason. Or no reason at all.
But the people who sent the invitation are also free to rescind it at any time, for any reason. Or no reason at all.
A couple getting ready for their impending wedding turned to the "Am I The A**Hole" (AITAH) subReddit for feedback after disinviting two guests.
Similar to AITA, the AITAH subReddit allows posters to ask for advice and post about ending romantic relationships—both things that are banned on AITA. However, there are no required voting acronyms—only suggested ones—and no official final judgment declared.
StellafromVienna asked:
"AITAH for telling my guests, it’s better they don’t come to the wedding, after they complained about our wedding too much?"
The original poster (OP) explained:
"We are getting married in less than two months. Our RSVP-deadline was a month ago and everyone responded to our RSVP, but one couple. We really had to hound them to get any kind of answer from them. They are both in their early 30s."
"Yesterday they sent us a message, telling us they are free to come."
"But alongside the reply, they sent us a long message about how cumbersome and expensive it is to attend our wedding and how tiring the weekend for them will be and how they probably retreat to their hotel room for most of the day and stay for the ceremony and part of the dinner, but retreat to their room for the rest of the festivities."
"It was literally a list of their Terms and Conditions!"
"We were taken aback, because we are paying for everything. Food, drinks, parking, we are also paying for everyone’s accommodation, a very nice lakeside hotel. Their biggest expense would be to pay for the gas for the 4 hour drive to the wedding and back (they have a car)."
"They also complained about the dresscode (we have Black Tie), but they both own clothes that would fit the dresscode, so they wouldn’t have to buy new ones anyway. But they complained about that too."
"They are known to be complainers, but not to this degree."
"We read the message and basically told them that if coming would be so tiresome for them, it is better not to come. We said that we aren’t mad at all. If someone can’t make it or doesn’t feel up to it, there are no hard feelings, but we basically disinvited them."
"I know it doesn’t matter in the grand scheme of things budget wise, but each guest costs us around 600 bucks and I didn’t feel like spending 1200 bucks on people that don’t even want to be there."
"They are now angry at us and refuse to speak to us and we were thinking that maybe we were a bit harsh."
"They are part of a friendship group that is actually really nice and a big plus in our life. So we tolerate them, because we like the group a lot and we hope that they will get over it soon enough."
"Were we the a**holes?"
The OP later added:
"You know what’s funny? We put in a 2 hour nap break between the Midday Ceremony and the Start of the Dinner. 'Nap-Time' is even an official part of our schedule."
"To us our wedding is important, to everyone else it’s just a fancy party. We don’t expect anyone to be super excited for the day and we are actually pretty chill. If someone doesn’t want to come, that’s really cool with us."
"A lot of guests are super excited and we are so moved and happy by all the support we have gotten so far. It's been a great experience and we are looking forward to it."
"But we just want to acknowledge that people have their own stuff going on and not everyone has the capacity for someone's wedding."
"We told them we think it’s better for them not to come. That was pretty much the exact wording. That if they are already anticipating that they won’t enjoy being there, that it would be better for them to not come and that it would be better to decide this now, than for all parties to be disappointed the day of the wedding."
"We are having a small wedding (60 people were invited, 50 are coming). We decided on paying the hotel, because we wanted to celebrate in that specific hotel and that would have been only possible if all guests would stay there (rule by the hotel)."
"This hotel however is so expensive (starting rates are 400 bucks per night) that we didnt want to ask our guests to pay that price, just so we can have our envisioned dream wedding. So we made the decision to pay for it ourselves, even though that decision wasn't easy."
Some Redditors weighed in by using the AITA voting acronyms:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA - You're The A**hole
- NAH - No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
- INFO - more information needed
Redditors decided the OP was not wrong to cut these guests loose (NTA).
"These guests told you celebrating your marriage will not be a day where they will enjoy themselves if they have to spend money themselves. NTA." ~ Neat-Particular-8725
"So they didn't RSVP without you hounding them, they're griping at you about all the hassle of getting to the wedding, of dressing for the wedding, and of being at the wedding. Do they even want to come to your wedding? What did they expect you to do?"
"All you said was, if you don't want to come, don't come. And who are these people? Friends? If so, you can ease them out of your lives. Family? That's a bit harder, but then again, you don't have to communicate with them much." ~ DaniCapsFan
"Everyone is fighting their own battles. You can not know what issues they face. Your invitation was quite generous. Their response not so. It's in the rearview window now. Reach out to them after some time if you wish to mend fences. Forget about it now." ~ WideFunction6166
"Aww... the ungrateful people planning to use their free hotel room as a personal retreat instead of celebrating with you laid it on too thick and will have to pay for their own weekend getaway. Too bad. So sad. NTA." ~ dragon34
"They thought that they could pressure OP and their partner or make them feel guilty. Very smart that you didn't take the bait. Now thanks to their actions they're disinvited." ~ IceSeeker
"I can't understand what they were trying to make the bride and groom feel guilty about. They're literally paying for everything.. I don't know what this couple wanted different. I'm so glad that they pushed back and told them 'never mind'. Such nerve of these people.. no one has manners anymore." ~ NamasteNoodle
"NTA. Disinviting them after they were specifically invited has likely ended whatever level of friendship you had, especially with people who are so intent on looking for things to complain about. Doesn't sound like a tremendous loss though. If they're going no contact then that sounds like a bonus. Just return the favor and move along." ~ Forward_Deer9230
"I think the biggest irony is if they had come to the ceremony with bells on and stayed at the reception until dinner and then bowed out with 'sorry I have a terrible headache, so happy for you' and gone back to their room at that point, OP may have completely forgotten they left early by the time they came back from their honeymoon." ~ dragon34
"NTA. Play me the world’s smallest sad orchestra here - we’ve got a couple with a real problem here; in order to earn that free vacation they must socialize & attend a wedding!! So unfair." ~ haw35ome
"NTA, sounds to me like they were fishing for you to pay their gas costs or something and now they are mad that it didn’t work." ~ Profession-Unable
"I think they were hinting that they would not be giving a gift. They thought they were just setting the expectations for the bride & groom so they wouldn't be surprised or disappointed at their 'no gift' scheme."
"Total a**holes. A complete pair of manipulating a**holes." ~ TheHobbyWaitress
"NTA. Your wedding should be a time of celebration. You've got enough to do without having to waste the mental bandwidth on entitled people who complain and whine about utter insignificance. Go. Don't go. Retreat to your room for a nap. Whatever. It's not on the happy couple to validate you." ~ Adelucas
"They wanted to use your wedding as a personal retreat. That was a setup for their absence. Now they're upset because they won't get a free weekend getaway." ~ Ok_Cherry_4585
"OP, they probably wouldn’t have actually come to your festivities. They would have stayed in the hotel and enjoyed the lake."
"You don’t need friends like this." ~ Evening_Delay_1856
OP's guests were complaining about having to go to their wedding, then they complained about not having to go.
Some people will never be happy.
