We all have a past.
We were living b before we met our friends, before we fell in love.
We made choices and walked the path we chose long before we ended up in our current circumstances.
Sometimes, we even had past relationships.
There is a maturity in accepting this in your friends and loved ones, that they ere people before you were present.
What happens, though, when someone becomes very upset at this reality and – in the process – makes a completely unrealistic request?
That was the question facing Redditor and Original Poster (OP) weddingproperty when he came to the “Am I the A**hole” (AITA) subReddit for judgment.
He asked:
“AITA for not letting my best friend have her wedding on my property after being uninvited?”
OP began with exciting news.
“One of my (29 Male) best friends ‘Carla’ (31 female) is getting married soon.”
“It’s only meant to be a small backyard type of wedding but they’ve been planning it for a few months now and originally it was supposed to be on my property.”
“They wanted it because it’s private, has lots of open space for the reception, a nice view and the house could be used for them to get ready and stuff.”
“Of course I said yes, she and her fiancé ‘Rick’ were very happy.”
But there was a complication.
“Thing is Carla and I do have a history.”
“We went out on & off in college but decided to stay friends. Then I met my wife, we got married, Carla met Rick and now here they are.”
“Now my wife knows I went out with Carla back in college and she didn’t care.”
“Carla still went to our wedding and everything.”
“I never knew if Rick was told or not, it’s not my relationship therefore not my business to say anything so I never did.”
Everything was okay, until,
“Rick found out recently and not in the best way.”
“Not sure how but from what I heard from friends is that one mutual friend told him (no idea why) we used to date.”
“Not only that but apparently Carla said a couple years ago she was still in love with me when she was already dating Rick.”
“Don’t have actual confirmation if that’s exactly what he was told. All Carla’s told me is that Rick was told about our past and he’s angry at her for never saying anything.”
“It became quite a drama and didnt hear from her for over a month until now.”
“She told me they’re going to couples counseling and that the wedding is still on.”
“But Rick requested that I not attend.”
“It sucks but I totally get why he wouldn’t be comfortable. Then I asked the obvious question, where are they going to hold the wedding then?”
The situation was understandable, until,
“To my surprise she said they still want it at our place.”
“Rick said so to and in my mind I’m going ‘he doesn’t want the guy who dated his fiancée years ago at the wedding, but still wants the wedding at his house.'”
“My wife and I are expected to just…not be at our home that weekend, And I told Carla no.”
“They’re going to have to find some place else since we’re not going to simply leave our home to them for the weekend.”
“Not only for safety reasons but it just doesn’t make sense.”
“Rick doesn’t want me around because he’s not comfortable but is comfortable enough to have their wedding at my house?”
“They really want their wedding here though and because of that I’ve been bugged by not only her but also Rick and some friends who think I’m being a petty a**hole for not letting them have the wedding here anymore.”
“Honestly don’t think that I am, it just doesn’t make sense at all to have to leave our own place for a wedding we’re no longer welcome to and leaving our home totally vulnerable.”
“Still, being accused of sabotaging their wedding and Rick believes it’s the least I can do after everything.”
OP was left wondering,
“AITA?”
Having explained the situation, OP turned to Reddit for judgment.
Redditors weighed in by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors decided: NTA
Some pointed out how ridiculous the request was.
“NTA, that’s not how this works!”
“You don’t get to be uninvited from a wedding that is literally in your backyard.”
“You are being incredibly kind and they are being incredibly rude.”
“Either you are allowed to come or they need to find a different venue.”
“Wow! How entitled can you get??” ~ Unsre4evr
Some even gave examples of how this could really be acceptable.
“Bridestealing portions of some ethnic chinese weddings have the family “playing defense” but i dont have any specific things because its variable by province.”
“Chinese wedding door games i guess was the closest thing i could wiki. but its really a wedding ceremony pregame.”
“Imo it would probably be in the best interest for one of the “teams” to have the house owner on their side though.”
“Its more of if you’re not participating you’re in the way kind of thing.”
“Because if you’re present you might be assumed to be an obstacle.” ~ kaisong
“Indian(Sikh) weddings have similar stuff, and certain days where the women are at one place, men at another, so you may need to leave your house at those times.”
“Usually other family members put you up in a house of your gender. There is some visiting allowed, within reason, and children are exempt.”
“There’s also the ‘ransom’ part, don’t know what it’s officially called, happens on some Hindu weddings too.”
“Post-wedding, the bride returns home one last time.”
“When she goes to leave (if this part is actually going to happen) all her sisters, aunts, cousins etc literally block the door & cars from moving.”
“They must be adequately paid to allow the bride to leave, and there can be full on negotiations.”
“Sometimes demands are ridiculous, then the elders will urge them to be more reasonable so the job gets done.” ~ TeflonDon15
Other commenters were very practical.
“NTA, if he is uncomfortable by your presence, he is welcome to shell out a deposit on short notice for another venue.”
“No way in hell would I allow myself to be run off my own property by an insecure man to use as he sees fit, even just for a day.”
“Malicious destruction on top of typical wedding party mess? No, thank you.” ~ DelightfulAbsurdity
“ESPECIALLY as wedding guests are likely not personal friends of the host, but will be Rick and Carla’s family and friends, so complete strangers maybe with a grudge against OP?”
“NOPE. No Thank You” ~ T00kie_Clothespin
Some thought there might be larger issues here.
“It makes sense.”
“It’s an exercise in power over someone he feels like ‘he has to beat'”.
“It’s to humiliate OP and basically force him to roll over by using his property and his inviolable most intimate space be used at the demands of Rick the all powerful.”
“And if he wants to play that way then screw that a million times over.”
“It’s classic chauvinist bs, but if he’s fighting dirty there’s no shame in sidestepping him and letting him fall in the mud.” ~ Orgasmic_interlude
Rick wasn’t the only one to draw Reddit’s ire.
“NTA”
“By the way, good on you for not being a pushover.”
“Btw”
“‘I’ve been bugged by not only her but also Rick and some friends who think I’m being a petty a**hole for not letting them have the wedding here anymore”‘
“Are they really your friends?”
“Because they sound super stupid and definitely not on your side.”
“It seems like they’re on Team Rick.”
“Are you really going to let yourself be harassed by your ‘friends'”?
“Friends wouldn’t force friends into a stressful situation like this.”
“You need to put your foot down, and stop letting yourself get harassed by Rick and your ‘friends'”.
“End the conversation once and for all.”
“You’re not obligated to do anything, especially not for someone as douchy as Rick.”
“Tell them no is a no, and if they have a problem with it, feel free to cut contact.”
“Heck while you’re at it, feel free to cut contact with those ‘friends’ of yours since they seem to care more about Rick and giving him free reign of your property without you on it.” ~ reyx121
“I have a funny feeling, some of the ‘friends’ putting the pressure on also see that property as a potential free wedding/vacation place in the future, as well.”
“That’s one of the problems with having a property like that…you get a lot of ‘friends’ who think they have a claim to your pretty home and will try to twist your arm to use it.”
“Might be an idea for the OP to shut that down completely to all but immediate family (and even then family can be a handful wanting to use your place all summer as well).” ~ threadsoffate2021
Our pasts inform our present but do not define it.
We have to be careful that we’re not punishing a person for the unpredictable result of an action they took years ago.
Feeling betrayed, jealous or angry is perfectly understandable when you perceive an injury, but feelings are not reality.
Be careful to be kind, but remember that “No” is a complete sentence.