Destination weddings have gained popularity as travel has opened up to more people and wedding traditions have changed. But they also add logistical issues that a traditional wedding doesn't have.
A destination wedding guest reconsidering their RSVP "yes" turned to the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subReddit for feedback.
PresentationFair794 asked:
"AITA for refusing to attend my childhood best friend's destination wedding after they disinvited my wife?"
The original poster (OP) explained:
"My best friend from childhood is getting married. He and his fiancée have been together for about 7 years and planned a destination wedding. They wanted a smaller, more intimate wedding and decided to combine the bachelor and bachelorette party into a week-long trip."
"About a year ago, I was told about the wedding and was asked to attend. I was specifically told that both my wife and I were invited. The only thing we would need to pay for was our airfare. Everything else would be covered."
"Over the last year, there were multiple conversations confirming that both my wife and I would be attending. Based on that, we requested and received PTO from work, bought plane tickets, and started preparing for the trip. We bought clothes and other things we would need for a week-long destination wedding."
"About a month and a half before the wedding, my friend told me there was no longer enough space for my wife. Apparently, she had been cut from the guest list, and there was only room for me."
"He also mentioned that numerous other guests were upset. Some people had to pay for their own accommodations elsewhere if they wanted to attend after previously being told they would be covered, and some guests had their invitations revoked entirely because they were over capacity."
"I was honestly shocked. I told him that if my wife couldn't attend, then I wouldn't be attending either."
"I asked him what happened and why this situation occurred. I wanted an honest explanation. His response was basically that they didn't realize they had a capacity issue until invitations were sent out."
"I asked how that could happen if they already knew the venue capacity beforehand. He refused to answer directly and kept saying that this wasn't about the guests because it's their wedding."
"I told him that while it is absolutely their wedding and their choice, they had set clear expectations a year in advance and repeatedly confirmed those expectations until a month before. Now, after people had spent money, used PTO, and made plans, they were changing things and expecting everyone to be okay with it."
"He and his fiancée have taken no responsibility for the situation and instead blame the guests for overreacting. He also told me that I was the only one making a big deal about not being able to bring my wife."
"I'm sure there are plenty of others who are extremely upset by the current outcome. He had complained about it to me before we got into the argument, then changed his tune after. Plenty of long-term relationships destroyed, especially on his fiancée's side."
"To be clear, I never demanded that they reinvite her. I simply told him that if my wife wasn't welcome, I wouldn't be attending either."
"AITA for being angry about this and refusing to go to the wedding?"
The OP summed up why they might be the a**hole in their situation.
"I may be judged because it is my best friend's wedding. I've known him for 30 years at this point. I'm refusing to go to his wedding because my wife got her invitation revoked."
"I likely made it worse when I tried to argue with him to give me an honest answer. I may be the a**hole because this may be a friendship-ending event, and I'm only pushing towards that direction."
"My wife was annoyed at first, but at the end of the day.. This is my friend and not hers. She did say that if she were in my position, she would likely react the same or worse."
Redditors weighed in by declaring:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA - You're The A**hole
- NAH - No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
- INFO - more information needed
Redditors decided the OP was not the a**hole (NTA).
"So for over a year, they let you and other guests presumably buy tickets, outfits, gifts, and decided to disinvite them a month before the actual wedding? That is terrible."
"You can't treat people like that and not expect push back. I also think your 'friend' is lying about other people not making this an issue." ~ i_likestuff
"NTA. I find the 'it's our day' excuse rude. Yes, the day is a celebration of the beginning of a life together, but the reception is a party thrown in honor of the guests who chose to celebrate WITH the newly married couple."
"Angering people or making them attend without their plus one (which makes for a boring time for the guest!) is in direct violation of the intent of that event. I wish more engaged couples understood this!"
"And... if guests can't have plus ones, the couple is having an event they can't afford. If they have a 'dream' wedding no one enjoys, is that really a dream?" ~ SkiPhD
"I had a similar thing happen. High school friend, knocked up his roommate (of like 3 months) and decided to get married. Destination wedding in Mexico. Asked me to be best man, said her parents were paying for everyone in the wedding party."
"Then the fiancée got in a fight with her maid of honor, and my buddy asked me if my girlfriend would step in... 'her parents are paying for both of you now' (which was basically just the airfare since we'd obviously be sharing a room)."
"2 months before the wedding, he calls to tell me they weren't paying anymore, and I needed to send him $3,500 by the end of the week to cover the venue, hotel, and I still had to find my own flights."
"We didn't go, and the whole ordeal pretty much was the beginning of the end for my relationship, too, because of all the BS and stress and fighting." ~ Aggravating_Run1270
"The bride and groom's mouths wrote cheques that their bank account couldn't cash, and now they're scrambling (and refusing to take accountability). NTA." ~ Aethermist88
"I would not attend. I would go on a holiday with my wife, use the tickets if they're nonrefundable, but I wouldn't be attending the wedding."
"Then they can give your seat to someone else. See, you are assisting them! NTA." ~ Beagly99
"This couple is going to be like 'what is wrong with our friends, why don’t they answer our calls anymore?'. NTA OP, I hope you can find an amazing week somewhere for you and your wife with your time off, tickets, and new clothes (yikes at the expense to you)." ~ 1234-for-me
"There’s definitely something going on behind the scenes that the friend and fiancée don’t want to admit. I just can’t imagine what could be worth risking all these relationships for." ~ SarcasticAzaleaRose
"Finances. Whether they are trying to cut corners, or maybe a family member who was paying has decided to no longer assist, I don't know. But it has to be financial."
"That's the only thing that makes sense here, and it explains why they are not sharing the real reasons. People don't like to say, 'We can't afford the wedding we were planning and bragged about for a year." ~ averagesoccermom95
"It seems odd to uninvite the wife, were they going to have op share a room with a random friend/person? It would be one thing to say, we ran out of seats at the reception, but a completely different story to say that a week-long hotel/resort stay is not happening for only one half of a couple." ~ 1234-for-me
"He promised accommodation and bait-and-switched that too. These people overpromised and didn’t budget. It’s amazing they’re trying to do this with a straight face." ~ Fluid-Platypus-
"Definitely NTA. It looks like your friends spent way more than they could afford, and now they’re trying to cut costs wherever possible. That’s not your problem."
"See if you and your wife can go somewhere else that you will both enjoy and skip the wedding entirely." ~ PomegranateNo4660
"The couple invited more people than their venue’s capacity, expecting people to say no. Now they’re scrambling because more people RSVP’d yes than they expected. I also wonder if they seriously mismanaged their wedding budget." ~ Tired_Octopus_1320
"I know a family whose son was getting married to his Nordic wife in her home country, and they assumed that they would get more no RSVPs than they did because of the destination aspect."
"So they had to scramble to find enough accommodations in this tiny town for all the people they invited who actually made the effort to attend. But they were pleasantly surprised and did all the extra work to make sure guests were comfortable." ~ elramirezeatstherich
The OP provided a small update:
"I'm trying to get a refund for our plane tickets via my credit card. Hopefully that pans out well. With the PTO, we were able to cancel those days and use them at a later date. I absolutely will not be attending."
Whether this ends the friendship isn't really up to OP. It's a decision he and his friend will each need to make.
