Having a plus-one option can be very important to guests at major events.
Some people don't want to attend good times alone.
But not every budget can fit a plus-one.
That is also understandable.
However, giving a plus-one option and then taking it away never seems to go over well.
Redditor Additional-Value3886 wanted to discuss her experience and get some feedback, so naturally, she came to the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subreddit.
She asked:
"AITA for not going to my friend’s destination wedding after she took away my plus one?"
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
"I (mid 20s F[emale]) have a friend from high school getting married abroad next summer."
"We’re part of a group of 4 girls."
"I’ve been with my B[oy]F[riend] for almost 4 years (serious relationship, we’ve talked about engagement), so this isn’t a casual relationship."
"Originally, it seemed like we could bring plus-ones, so I planned the trip with him in mind."
"That changed after the bride got into an argument with one of the other girls in our group and told her her boyfriend was uninvited."
"After that, she decided none of us in our friend group could bring plus-ones."
"She later said it was due to guest count, but realistically, it’s only affecting one other girl and me."
"I had planned this as a trip with my partner, and traveling abroad alone isn’t something I’m comfortable with, especially since I don’t live near the other girls and would be flying and navigating everything solo."
"I told her I wasn’t trying to push back, since it’s her wedding and her decision, just that this changes things for me."
"Because of that, I decided not to go."
"One of the other girls said I’m prioritizing my boyfriend over the wedding, which I don’t agree with."
"The girl whose boyfriend was originally uninvited actually agrees with me."
The OP was left to wonder:
"AITA?"
Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed in on some options to the question, AITA:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You're The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Many Redditors declared that OP was NOT the A**hole.
"NTA. But you are prioritizing your BF here."
"Which is an entirely reasonable thing to do for a partner of four years.
"Don't eat at a table where your family isn't welcome." ~ Sensitive_Caramel856
"It’s both."
"My partner is super reliant on me for logistical planning, and well, a lot of responsible adult stuff."
"If it were us, even if I wasn't invited and I didn't want to go, she wouldn't go abroad alone herself."
"It would be too overwhelming and stressful for her."
"So I understand where OP is coming from."
"Some people aren't self-sufficient travelers, and that’s ok."
"Not everyone has to be good or capable of everything."
"I'm not good at big parties."
"She’s my social crutch and the one to carry on conversations with people."
"I'm good at listening."
"As for OP, it’s a lot of time and money to spend on attending a wedding."
"As a guest, she should be able to enjoy it as well."
"So if that means requiring her partner’s presence, it’s understandable not to want to go alone."
"Don't have your dream wedding at the expense of your guests' comfort and have them smile through it. "
"That would be the a**hole move to do." ~ lunch_b0cks
"Sounds like she’s prioritizing herself."
"It’s not on his behalf because he’s excluded, it’s on hers because she’s not comfortable going on an international trip alone, and this trip only made sense when it was a shared vacation." ~ saltpancake
"NTA. It doesn’t matter who she is prioritizing."
"It’s an invitation, not a summoning." ~ shak1071
"NTA. An invitation is not a summons.
"She changed the rules, you adapted to fit your life."
"And I think you are prioritizing your boyfriend over her wedding, which personally I think is the right thing to do." ~ JaxBoltsGirl
"Why wouldn't you prioritise your boyfriend over someone else's wedding?"
"Why would you prioritise what would be, for you, a lousy trip over your partner?"
"For a selfish bride, who thinks nothing of punishing you for something a mutual friend's boyfriend said or did?
"Let them say whatever they like; you made the only reasonable decision. NTA." ~ Zestyclose-Custard-2
"You're prioritizing your serious boyfriend over a party? Oh no..."
"Anyway, NTA." ~ celticairborne
"A brief message to brides: your wedding doesn’t mean sh*t to me."
"Full stop."
"And, if you think about it at all, it’s hard to come up with a non-narcissistic explanation why it should."
'I’ll prioritize my cat over your wedding."
"Now, our relationship is important to me."
"But when you do things that show me that you don’t value our relationship all that much (e.g., uninviting my significant other), I’ll match your energy, as the kids say."
"And, once again, that shouldn’t come as a surprise to any non-narcissist." ~ CowboyLaw
"Not giving a plus one to people in a serious relationship, not to mention withdrawing an invitation, are both so breathtakingly rude and wrong that there is nothing here for you to blame yourself for."
"Really, this is an insult to you, and your boyfriend, and to all the other wedding party who won’t get to bring husbands or boyfriends."
"I mean, I just cannot."
"This wouldn’t have been OK even if you had done something wrong." ~ lucyfussbudget1
"Withdrawing the plus one is a shi**y move."
"However, since she did, you are 100% entitled to re-evaluate attending without any judgment from anyone. NTA." ~ Liu1845
"NTA. As I always say about any event: it's an invite, not a summons."
"But as regards this specific wedding: Weddings are (needlessly?) complicated events to organize and to put on."
"Make it a destination event, and the event adds costs and logistical puzzles for almost everyone. If not going with a plus one makes this all unmanageable, you are under no obligation to go." ~ Individual_Ad_9213
"First, expecting friends to pay exorbitant money for a destination wedding shows a total disregard for the sacrifices they must make for HER selfish wishes."
"Then, to exclude their significant others under the guise of keeping the guest list down is even worse."
"You aren't prioritizing your BF."
"You are reacting to her totally unreasonable demands."
"I would reevaluate this friendship." ~ comcham
"NTA. You're prioritizing your seriously considered life partner over a party, which imo is the right thing to do." ~ Soledaddy873
"NTA. The one who said you're prioritizing your boyfriend over the wedding is technically correct, but you're also completely right in doing so." ~ Appropriate-Mall9781
"NTA. Why should you not prioritize your BF?"
"In this case, I think that is a good decision."
"You have already decided you do not want to go to the destination wedding and have your reasons why."
"This is not about making the decision, but simply sticking to it."
"Continue to say 'No.'"
"'No' is a full and complete answer."
"No one has the right to disagree with your decisions and your boundaries."
"Say 'No' and respond to 'Why' with another 'No.'"
"You do not have to explain yourself to anyone."
"No means no." ~ My_igloo_is_melting•
"NTA. Here's the thing about destination weddings: DON'T GO."
"They are always an excuse to 'keep the wedding small, ' but actually make everything more expensive."
"Not just for the wedding party, but for guests."
"I have nothing against destination weddings, but if you have one, understand the cost involved."
"If she didn't want plus-ones or changed her mind about them, then the bride should expect her guest list to shrink." ~ Laszlo4711
"NTA. Destination weddings are fun for the bride and groom, but generally a pain for guests."
"They're expensive, you have to take off work, pay for boarding for pets."
"It's very common for very few guests to attend because of all the inconveniences."
"The bride deciding to make it even less fun by saying you don't get a +1 would absolutely decide it for me."
"No way would I want to spend all that money, use vacation days, if my partner couldn't attend with me." ~ dragonsandvamps
"NTA. Uninviting people's +1s after they've already been planning the trip with them in mind sucks."
"If you still want to go to the wedding but don't want to travel solo, go with your boyfriend, but let him just sit out the wedding, assuming that plan doesn't offend him."
"You still get to go on a nice trip with him; he'll just have a day to himself." ~ kaymax-13
"You are NTA."
"A wedding invitation is not a summons."
"You don't feel comfortable traveling abroad without him, and that is perfectly fine."
"It seems silly for the bride to suddenly rescind offers of plus ones to everyone because of an argument with one person, and actions have consequences, especially rash ones." ~ thechaoticstorm
OP came back with an Update...
"Since a few people asked, yes, we would be paying for all of the expenses ourselves."
"A few people suggested he still come on the trip and just skip the wedding, and we did consider that."
"Ideally, I would’ve loved for him to still come on the trip, but realistically, would you want to show up somewhere you know you weren’t welcome to attend?"
"This would’ve been the type of trip where we’d all be staying at the same resort/hotel, spending time together outside the wedding, doing group dinners/activities, etc."
"I can completely understand why he wouldn’t want to spend his time and money showing up to something where he knows he was intentionally excluded."
" I also feel like it would’ve been different if the bride herself had suggested that as a solution, but she didn’t."
"Her suggestion was for me to just stay with the other girls instead."
Reddit understands your feelings, OP.
This is the bride's wedding, so it's her decision.
But decisions have consequences.
You and your BF have to do what is best for you.
Good Luck.
