Having a plus-one option can be very important to guests at major events.
Some people don't want to attend good times alone.
But not every budget can fit a plus-one.
That is also understandable.
However, giving a plus-one option and then taking it away never seems to go over well.
Redditor Additional-Value3886 wanted to discuss her experience and get some feedback, so naturally, she came to the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subreddit.
She asked:
"AITA for not going to my friend’s destination wedding after she took away my plus one?"
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
"I (mid 20s F[emale]) have a friend from high school getting married abroad next summer."
"We’re part of a group of 4 girls."
"I’ve been with my B[oy]F[riend] for almost 4 years (serious relationship, we’ve talked about engagement), so this isn’t a casual relationship."
"Originally, it seemed like we could bring plus-ones, so I planned the trip with him in mind."
"That changed after the bride got into an argument with one of the other girls in our group and told her her boyfriend was uninvited."
"After that, she decided none of us in our friend group could bring plus-ones."
"She later said it was due to guest count, but realistically, it’s only affecting one other girl and me."
"I had planned this as a trip with my partner, and traveling abroad alone isn’t something I’m comfortable with, especially since I don’t live near the other girls and would be flying and navigating everything solo."
"I told her I wasn’t trying to push back, since it’s her wedding and her decision, just that this changes things for me."
"Because of that, I decided not to go."
"One of the other girls said I’m prioritizing my boyfriend over the wedding, which I don’t agree with."
"The girl whose boyfriend was originally uninvited actually agrees with me."
The OP was left to wonder:
"AITA?"
Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed in on some options to the question, AITA:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You're The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Many Redditors declared that OP was NOT the A**hole.
"NTA. But you are prioritizing your BF here."
"Which is an entirely reasonable thing to do for a partner of four years.
"Don't eat at a table where your family isn't welcome." ~ Sensitive_Caramel856
"It’s both."
"My partner is super reliant on me for logistical planning, and well, a lot of responsible adult stuff."
"If it were us, even if I wasn't invited and I didn't want to go, she wouldn't go abroad alone herself."
"It would be too overwhelming and stressful for her."
"So I understand where OP is coming from."
"Some people aren't self-sufficient travelers, and that’s ok."
"Not everyone has to be good or capable of everything."
"I'm not good at big parties."
"She’s my social crutch and the one to carry on conversations with people."
"I'm good at listening."
"As for OP, it’s a lot of time and money to spend on attending a wedding."
"As a guest, she should be able to enjoy it as well."
"So if that means requiring her partner’s presence, it’s understandable not to want to go alone."
"Don't have your dream wedding at the expense of your guests' comfort and have them smile through it. "
"That would be the a**hole move to do." ~ lunch_b0cks
"Sounds like she’s prioritizing herself."
"It’s not on his behalf because he’s excluded, it’s on hers because she’s not comfortable going on an international trip alone, and this trip only made sense when it was a shared vacation." ~ saltpancake
"NTA. It doesn’t matter who she is prioritizing."
"It’s an invitation, not a summoning." ~ shak1071
"NTA. An invitation is not a summons.
"She changed the rules, you adapted to fit your life."
"And I think you are prioritizing your boyfriend over her wedding, which personally I think is the right thing to do." ~ JaxBoltsGirl
"Why wouldn't you prioritise your boyfriend over someone else's wedding?"
"Why would you prioritise what would be, for you, a lousy trip over your partner?"
"For a selfish bride, who thinks nothing of punishing you for something a mutual friend's boyfriend said or did?
"Let them say whatever they like; you made the only reasonable decision. NTA." ~ Zestyclose-Custard-2
"You're prioritizing your serious boyfriend over a party? Oh no..."
"Anyway, NTA." ~ celticairborne
"A brief message to brides: your wedding doesn’t mean sh*t to me."
"Full stop."
"And, if you think about it at all, it’s hard to come up with a non-narcissistic explanation why it should."
'I’ll prioritize my cat over your wedding."
"Now, our relationship is important to me."
"But when you do things that show me that you don’t value our relationship all that much (e.g., uninviting my significant other), I’ll match your energy, as the kids say."
"And, once again, that shouldn’t come as a surprise to any non-narcissist." ~ CowboyLaw
"Not giving a plus one to people in a serious relationship, not to mention withdrawing an invitation, are both so breathtakingly rude and wrong that there is nothing here for you to blame yourself for."
"Really, this is an insult to you, and your boyfriend, and to all the other wedding party who won’t get to bring husbands or boyfriends."
"I mean, I just cannot."
"This wouldn’t have been OK even if you had done something wrong." ~ lucyfussbudget1
"Withdrawing the plus one is a shi**y move."
"However, since she did, you are 100% entitled to re-evaluate attending without any judgment from anyone. NTA." ~ Liu1845
"NTA. As I always say about any event: it's an invite, not a summons."
"But as regards this specific wedding: Weddings are (needlessly?) complicated events to organize and to put on."
"Make it a destination event, and the event adds costs and logistical puzzles for almost everyone. If not going with a plus one makes this all unmanageable, you are under no obligation to go." ~ Individual_Ad_9213
"First, expecting friends to pay exorbitant money for a destination wedding shows a total disregard for the sacrifices they must make for HER selfish wishes."
"Then, to exclude their significant others under the guise of keeping the guest list down is even worse."
"You aren't prioritizing your BF."
"You are reacting to her totally unreasonable demands."
"I would reevaluate this friendship." ~ comcham
"NTA. You're prioritizing your seriously considered life partner over a party, which imo is the right thing to do." ~ Soledaddy873
"NTA. The one who said you're prioritizing your boyfriend over the wedding is technically correct, but you're also completely right in doing so." ~ Appropriate-Mall9781
"NTA. Why should you not prioritize your BF?"
"In this case, I think that is a good decision."
"You have already decided you do not want to go to the destination wedding and have your reasons why."
"This is not about making the decision, but simply sticking to it."
"Continue to say 'No.'"
"'No' is a full and complete answer."
"No one has the right to disagree with your decisions and your boundaries."
"Say 'No' and respond to 'Why' with another 'No.'"
"You do not have to explain yourself to anyone."
"No means no." ~ My_igloo_is_melting•
"NTA. Here's the thing about destination weddings: DON'T GO."
"They are always an excuse to 'keep the wedding small, ' but actually make everything more expensive."
"Not just for the wedding party, but for guests."
"I have nothing against destination weddings, but if you have one, understand the cost involved."
"If she didn't want plus-ones or changed her mind about them, then the bride should expect her guest list to shrink." ~ Laszlo4711
"NTA. Destination weddings are fun for the bride and groom, but generally a pain for guests."
"They're expensive, you have to take off work, pay for boarding for pets."
"It's very common for very few guests to attend because of all the inconveniences."
"The bride deciding to make it even less fun by saying you don't get a +1 would absolutely decide it for me."
"No way would I want to spend all that money, use vacation days, if my partner couldn't attend with me." ~ dragonsandvamps
"NTA. Uninviting people's +1s after they've already been planning the trip with them in mind sucks."
"If you still want to go to the wedding but don't want to travel solo, go with your boyfriend, but let him just sit out the wedding, assuming that plan doesn't offend him."
"You still get to go on a nice trip with him; he'll just have a day to himself." ~ kaymax-13
"You are NTA."
"A wedding invitation is not a summons."
"You don't feel comfortable traveling abroad without him, and that is perfectly fine."
"It seems silly for the bride to suddenly rescind offers of plus ones to everyone because of an argument with one person, and actions have consequences, especially rash ones." ~ thechaoticstorm
OP came back with an Update...
"Since a few people asked, yes, we would be paying for all of the expenses ourselves."
"A few people suggested he still come on the trip and just skip the wedding, and we did consider that."
"Ideally, I would’ve loved for him to still come on the trip, but realistically, would you want to show up somewhere you know you weren’t welcome to attend?"
"This would’ve been the type of trip where we’d all be staying at the same resort/hotel, spending time together outside the wedding, doing group dinners/activities, etc."
"I can completely understand why he wouldn’t want to spend his time and money showing up to something where he knows he was intentionally excluded."
" I also feel like it would’ve been different if the bride herself had suggested that as a solution, but she didn’t."
"Her suggestion was for me to just stay with the other girls instead."
Reddit understands your feelings, OP.
This is the bride's wedding, so it's her decision.
But decisions have consequences.
You and your BF have to do what is best for you.
Good Luck.
Woman With Cerebral Palsy Livid After Husband's Doctor Questions Why He Married Her
In the search for comprehensive medical care, people may have tough conversations about their lifestyle, work, relationships, and other potential stressors.
But a doctor can only make so many decisions on behalf of their patient, cautioned the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor _lucky96 was seeing the same doctor as her husband, so their doctor was aware of both of their medical histories and needs, including her having cerebral palsy.
But when the doctor brought up her condition during her husband's latest appointment and questioned their marriage, the Original Poster (OP) was appalled and wanted to find a new medical care provider.
She asked the sub:
The OP had cerebral palsy and a full life.
"I have cerebral palsy. It mainly affects my walking, but I can walk independently and live a pretty normal life."
"My husband and I have been together for three years and have a blended family with five kids altogether. Three of my kids aren’t biologically his."
The OP and her husband just started seeing a new doctor.
"We’ve both recently started seeing the same general practitioner (GP)." I’ve seen him about three times now and generally thought he was helpful."
"I had noticed he seemed very interested in my disability and would often ask questions about it and whether I had support, but I assumed he was just being thorough."
In the OP's eyes, the doctor crossed a line.
"Today, my husband had an appointment with the same doctor for stomach issues."
"During the appointment, mental health apparently came up as part of the discussion, but the appointment itself wasn’t for mental health."
"I wasn’t in the room because I was outside with our daughter. According to my husband, the doctor asked him, 'Why did you marry your wife?'"
"My husband said because he loves me, and then the doctor apparently said something along the lines of, 'With her disability and five kids, that’s a lot to take on. You realise when she’s older, you’ll have a lot to do as she ages.'"
"My husband thinks I’m overreacting because they had been discussing different stressors in his life, and believes the doctor was just talking about responsibilities and support systems."
"I understand that possibility, but I can’t get past how hurtful it feels to hear my disability described as something my husband 'took on' or as a future burden he’ll have to manage."
"The doctor also said, 'Not many men would do what you do, you’re a good man.'"
The OP was upset about the conversation her husband shared.
"What bothers me most is that the conversation wasn’t even about me, and I wasn’t there to respond or provide any context."
"I feel like the comments reduced me to my disability rather than seeing me as a wife, parent, and person."
"Am I wrong for being upset by this and considering raising it with the clinic, or does this sound inappropriate?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that the doctor's comments were highly inappropriate.
"That’s highly inappropriate. You are NOR." - Direction_Physical
"NOR. You are not overreacting at all. That was completely inappropriate and dehumanizing."
"You’re his patient’s wife, not his patient, while your husband is in that room. Bringing up your disability and five kids during your husband’s stomach appointment had nothing to do with his care."
"Saying you’re 'a lot to take on' and 'not many men would do what you do' frames your marriage like a charity case, and you like a burden instead of a partner."
"That’s ableist, unprofessional, and a violation of basic boundaries."
"It makes sense that you feel reduced to just your disability after hearing that."
"Raising it with the clinic is absolutely reasonable. You deserve a doctor who treats you as a whole person, not a problem for your husband to manage." - DaringDuvet
"This makes me so stabby. I’m non-verbal and have right-sided weakness."
"We were married 29 years before it happened, and the number of people who think my husband needs a medal and a parade for sticking around..."
"Don’t get me wrong. My husband is one of life’s truly good dudes. But seriously?" - sorenelf
"This is infuriating. He's a good man because he didn't ditch?"
"When my mum was diagnosed with cancer that wasn’t going to do the polite thing and get fixed, the amount of applause for my dad not leaving her was astounding."
"He was horrified at first, but that wore off pretty quickly, and he just started calling it out. That made quite a few people squirm in their own discomfort."
"It says a lot about someone who thinks a natural choice is to bail." - BasicLingonberry9914
"NOR in the slightest."
"Even if we assume good intent and the doctor wanted to make sure there are safety nets and supports in place for both of you, that has NOTHING to do with the question of why your husband married you."
"I would absolutely file a complaint, and if you both can, find another general practitioner." - ooooohcakepudding
"NOR. I have severe Aphakia, and if my specialist looked at my husband to remind him he's going to be growing old with someone who is likely going to go blind, I think I would die."
"My husband had been through h**l and back with me and my eyes long before we got married, so he knows what he signed up for. And it isn't the doc's place to sort out. Super duper unprofessional." - Global-Nature2420
"So at first, I thought you were overreacting. I am a mental health provider, and a doctor discussing stressors and very real-life situations happens all the time."
"The minute you added the part that 'not many men,' things changed. He took what could have been a normal conversation and changed it to his personal feelings, which is absolutely disgusting."
"NOR at all. I would file a complaint." - Trash_Human92
Others pointed out that it was an important conversation to have, though the doctor could have been more delicate.
"While tough, this isn't an inappropriate conversation to have if the stress is causing his health to deteriorate."
"The truth is not inappropriate. I think the way he worded it was a bit much, but not what he said."
"It appears to me the OP is not dealing with how her disability is not just about her, but everyone, etc. For example, my cancer was also stressing my loved ones out." - Total-Ad886f
"I was having panic attacks in the middle of the night due to my husband's health and lack of care. So when he finally started seeing someone in my same doctor's office (but not the same doctor), it was SO much better."
"My doc and the nurse have been really, really concerned about my mental health, so they were happy to hear that he's taking his health seriously and improving, because that means that I am sleeping more and my mental health is better, and that means my ability to manage my own chronic pain and health issues has been better."
"I was not coping at all and barely able to function." - popchex
"The doctor may have mentioned OP in the conversation with her husband if he was trying to ascertain if he had stressors that may contribute to his stomach issues. Sure, your spouse, children, work, and parents can be considered stressors at times in anyone’s life."
"For me, where he crossed the line was when he decided just how OP’s condition will impact the future."
"Firstly, OP is obviously capable of caring for everyone, including herself and children, with minimal, if any, assistance. As OP ages, more assistance may be required, but this may also be the case for her husband, too, as he ages. The responsibility of the children will not be a factor, as they are adults."
"So the doctor’s predictions are presumptive and unnecessary. Health is not guaranteed for anyone. We all will face various challenges to our physical abilities as we age."
"What I would take up with the clinic is why he felt it necessary to ask the husband why he married OP. To additionally state because of that, ‘He was a good man’ is grossly inappropriate and unprofessional."
"There is potential for an ongoing issue to arise if OP were to continue seeing this doctor. His bias toward her husband may very well influence any care she may need in the future. NOR." - Cool-Blackberry-785
"It doesn’t make sense because if your husband was talking about how stressed he was, why would the doctor bring up more reasons he should be stressed? Or if he didn’t seem stressed enough, is the doctor then going to be like, 'Consider how stressed you’ll be in X amount of years'?"
"It sort of sounds like he’s saying something like, 'Why would a man do that?'"
"The only exception I’d give is if your husband had some sort of health thing he’s completely ignoring, and the doctor was trying to give him a wake-up moment. Because then, they sort of have to be blunt to make you realize you need to prioritize your health. But simply being stressed isn’t enough to start saying, 'Why did you marry your wife?'"
"Whenever it’s women in your husband’s position, they just get told they’re an awesome rockstar. No one questions WHY they do it."
"NOR. You should find a doctor who makes you feel supported, and you feel is better overall."
"I wouldn’t make your husband change yet. It is hard to find doctors you like. Maybe when you establish with a better doctor, he’ll switch, too." - imwearingredsocks
Since the OP's husband went to the doctor to discuss stomach issues and likely how to remedy them, it's reasonable that the subject of possible stressors would come up, so the husband could avoid those stressors and improve his symptoms.
However, some Redditors felt that also including details about his marriage and fatherhood in the conversation was crossing a line, and while being a care provider to a spouse could be stressful, many felt it was being addressed from an ableist perspective instead.