Woman Called 'Selfish' For Scheduling Surgery In Same Month As Her Boyfriend's Procedure

Relationships are give and take, reciprocal, not transactional. But how should partners decide what to prioritize with competing needs?

A woman turned to the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subReddit for feedback after a conflict with her boyfriend.

Affectionate_Bug1673 asked:

"AITA for scheduling loose skin surgery when my boyfriend is getting eye surgery?"

The original poster (OP) explained:

"Hello, I’m 26 and female. I’ve lost 100lbs and I’ve continuously had issues with my loose skin. I’ve gotten rashes and sores from it rubbing together and it’s uncomfortable and painful."

"I’ve talked about getting loose skin surgery with my partner (33, male) for years, but I wanted to get closer to my goal weight before I dropped a lot of money. For more context, we are both teachers and any kind of long surgery would have to happen in the summer."

"Anyway, about two months ago he told me he decided he was going to get strabismus surgery to correct his lazy eye and help with depth perception which I supported completely."

"Recently, I have had horrible sores and rashes that have not gone away from my skin rubbing together. Even more so now that I have officially met my goal weight and there is an over abundance of loose skin."

"I have the ability to get my skin removal surgery June 1st. Not only do I think this is a good chance to be recovered by the fall, but it will also impact my quality of life and the skin conditions."

"My boyfriend, however, is very upset because we would be having our surgeries in the same month and he says I’m being inconsiderate and selfish."

"I even made arrangements for my sister to come and take care of us. I never asked nor expected him to give up his surgery because I know we are both on tight timelines and I know his surgery would also give him better quality of life."

"I guess I just want to know if I’m the a**hole or if I’m being selfish for scheduling it the same month as his surgery?"

The OP later added:

"Hello, I’m just going to answer some questions here: The surgeries aren’t on the same day, mine is June 1st and his would be two weeks later (he doesn’t have an exact date yet) but they would be in the same month."

"His surgery is on both his eyes, this will be his third time having the surgery. It is painful for him, thats why I supported his decision to get the surgery."

"My boyfriend and I have been together going on four years, and the first time I looked into getting the surgery was in 2024, but I wasn’t as close to my goal weight and I only wanted to go through the surgery once and I ultimately decided to wait."

"I have been at my goal weight for over a year now, but I had to wait until the summer to get the surgery."

The OP summed up why they might be the a**hole in their situation.

"I scheduled loose skin surgery the same month my significant other is having eye surgery. He claims that it was selfish and inconsiderate because he was getting surgery first, but I’ve been in pain and really needed the surgery."

Redditors weighed in by declaring:

• NTA - Not The A**hole
• YTA - You're The A**hole
• NAH - No A**holes Here
• ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
• INFO - more information needed

Redditors decided the OP was not the a**hole (NTA).

"I’ve had strabismus surgery. The recovery is fairly easy. He will be tired, but there isn’t really any reason why you both can’t recover at the same time. My mom came to look after me but after a day I wished she hadn’t. Get your surgery!" ~ Lower-Bottle6362

"Yeah, my mum had it and didn't need much looking after and she was much older than OP's BF. NTA." ~ superfiud

"I travelled to look after my Nana when she had it done and we ended up spending most of the week having adventures together instead." ~ kinokits

"My son's recovery from the anesthesia was worse than his actual eye recovery." ~ DocMondegreen

"I've had 9 eye surgeries, all bar one (where i had to keep my head down in a certain position 23 hours a day) were all easy to recover from. And they were much more serious eye surgeries (difference between going blind or not, I still went blind sadly) than strabimus surgery."

"Had cataract surgery at 18, boom, bilateral retinal detachments, with a reoccurance and bleed at the back of the eye. Detachments were caught very late as well, so severe permanent damage." ~ Wrengull

"I had this surgery when I was in third grade, but I don’t remember it being particularly bad. I was tired and a bit prone to headaches from light / eye strain but otherwise no big deal."

"If he’s gonna be off work anyway he should be okay, especially with folks other than OP helping out here and there. Surgery can be scary because the after is full of unknowns, but this specific one is typically straightforward as far as recovery goes." ~ errrnis

"I had it too at 17. It was outpatient and I had a small stitch tweak the next day. The biggest thing I needed was someone to drive me. I was scrolling Facebook hours after coming home from the surgery and home from school for less than a week, OP's boyfriend will be just fine." ~ typicalpotatoes

"My kid had it, he's under 8 and only had panadol the day of. He was fairly upset, tired and wouldn't open his eyes for about 24 hours, but then it was just routine—eye drops, taking breaks from screens and early bed times."

"As an adult, OP's partner will be understanding of and able to do that self care himself."

"The OP's surgery is far more involved and a longer recovery time. Nta - good luck!" ~ kelhawke

"I’ve had strabismus surgery, AND loose skin removal. Would take the eyes over the skin any day recovery wise. He’s being a giant baby." ~ lizfromthebronx

"NTA, but he is. I looked it up, strabismus surgery is outpatient surgery."

"You, however, have reached the pinnacle of a long-sought effort. He should be rewarding you with attention and support, not 'My eye hurts'."

"He wants a mommy? Send him home to his." ~ My_igloo_is_melting

"NTA, since it's perfectly workable to schedule HIS surgery about 6 weeks after yours, so you're not both at your weakest at the same time."

"Recovery from lazy eye surgery is a week for the worst of the issues and only up to a month. Your surgery would be more pervasive all over and needs more like 6-8 weeks of down time."

"So work backwards.

• First day of school in Fall
• say you want to be recovered 2 weeks before that
• Your surgery needs to be a minimum of 8-10 weeks before school starts in the fall"

"Since your boyfriend's surgery is much less intense a recovery, he should schedule before or after you." ~ Beck943

"I'd be willing to bet he's mad because he won't be able to milk his recovery and be babied for an absurd amount of time. Get your surgery. You already have help. You will need a while to recover. NTA." ~ voided_user

"My partner was out of the country when I had devastating Covid. It sucked not being able to rely on him, but I organised my own care like an adult." ~ the_V33

"Worse still, he wants his free nurse maid to be there to wait on him hand and foot while he recovers and doesn't want to have to think past the fact the she is obligated because that is the price of the privilege of being in a relationship with him." ~ Lunch-Thin

"He doesn't even need babying. I've had similar eye surgeries and it's literally a couple of days of your eye feeling gritty when you blink. They give you gel drops to help with the discomfort."

"Mine were under general anaesthesia, so the day of the surgery was a write off, and some people may still feel tired the next day, but that's pretty much it."

"There is no reason whatsoever they couldn't have their surgeries in the same month." ~ AutisticTumourGirl

"Easier for him to reschedule than you, OP. You’d have to wait a year. He’s the inconsiderate one. Keep this in mind as you are evaluating marrying him. It will surface again and again. NTA." ~ lovebombme2u

"He doesn’t even need to reschedule. His surgery is an outpatient procedure and his restrictions are things like no swimming no getting soap in your eyes and no straining or contact sports for a week or two. Many patients can return to work or school within a few days.'

"Like yeah, it takes a couple of months to heal but it’s like living with red eyes and using eye drops."

"He really was hoping to milk the sh*t out of it with OP."

"OP, I’d rethink if this is the partner I’d want to be pregnant and have children with bc he will always prioritize his wants over your needs." ~ i_was_a_person_once

On May 31, after a Redditor asked if they were going ahead with their surgery, the OP enthusiastically responded:

"I am scheduled for the surgery tomorrow!!!"

Hopefully OP makes a full and speedy recovery.