Content Warning: Affair, Affair Baby, Adoption, Mom-shaming
In nearly every heartbreaking life event where children are involved, the child is not the one who should be blamed for what has happened.
But that does not necessarily mean that we'll want to build a relationship with them, especially if they carry the reminder of what's happened, sympathized the members of the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITAH) subReddit.
Redditor Lexianndry looked on while her sister-in-law adopted her best friend's child and supported her when she was medically unable to continue to care for the child she'd adopted.
But when she discovered who this baby actually was to the family, the Original Poster (OP) could no longer care for the child or look at her husband in the same way anymore.
She asked the sub:
"AITAH for wanting to walk away from my marriage and the child we were raising together after finding out the child is biologically my husband's?"
The OP's sister-in-law supported her best friend by adopting a baby she did not want to raise.
"My husband's sister adopted a child four years ago."
"She had talked before about being a single mom by choice, and when her friend had a child she didn't want to raise, she said it made sense to step in and offer to become the baby's mom."
"Everyone was supportive and welcomed the child into the family."
When the OP's sister-in-law could no longer care for the baby, she and her husband stepped in.
"Two and a half years ago, my husband's sister was diagnosed with MS (Multiple Sclerosis)."
"She unfortunately declined rapidly and asked us to take in her child."
"We agreed. We had not yet had children of our own at that point, which made it easier. We made sure my sister-in-law still time with her child, and she asked that we continue raising the child, no matter how bad she gets/if she dies. We agreed again."
"My husband never acted weird around the child. Never acted like he had some secret. He acted like an uncle willing to step in and raise his sister's child."
But then the OP's sister-in-law told her the truth.
"Recently, his sister confessed to me that my husband was the biological father of this child."
"She said my husband and her best friend used to hook up occasionally, and he did it again right before we got married, and this child is the result of his infidelity."
"I was sick. She told me she couldn't keep lying to me because eventually it would come out, and she wanted to minimize the damage, especially before we start talking about adoption."
"I confronted my husband, and he denied it, so I asked him to do a DNA test."
"He's the father. There's no doubt. DNA confirmed he's the biological father."
"He told me nothing happened since we were married, and he loves me, and he's sorry for what he did. He said it was a drunk night before our wedding, and he would never do something like that again."
"Then he said he wanted us to be a family and offered to adopt his child and raise them as our own. He told me this doesn't have to end us."
The OP could no longer look at her husband or the baby the same way.
"I left the house and have been staying with my sister since the DNA results. I'm disgusted, and I don't want to sign up for this. I know that the baby is innocent, but I now can only see what my husband did, and I cannot imagine raising them and acting like their mom and keeping my husband in my life."
"My husband's sister has reached out to apologize multiple times, and she told the rest of their family the truth, also."
"My husband's parents have tried to contact me to get me back to my husband. They have told me I have a family now, and I can't leave, especially not with their daughter unable to raise this baby again."
"I had to block them because their messages were blaming and shaming me more and more for not agreeing to marriage counseling and moving forward as a family."
"I don't see a way back from this. But I have been in this child's life since birth and raised them for more than a year and a half. I just know I could never be a good mom to them, knowing what I know."
"I feel so much disgust and hurt that this was kept from me. It would have hurt either way once he cheated, but I could have walked away, and far more easily before we were married. But this went on so much longer and went far deeper. He's a father to someone else's child, a child he fathered just days before we were married."
"AITAH for wanting to divorce and walk away?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You're the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some held space to empathize with the OP and to criticize the family who tried to shame her into staying in an impossible situation.
"I can't imagine how you feel right now. Just the utter betrayal and them all expecting you to be fine with it all is insane." - KateNotEdwina
"His sister and probably the rest of his family knew as well. To berate you for leaving is crazy."
"Move on and don't look back. He does not deserve you."
"Continue to be no-contact forever with any of the screeching flying family monkeys or friends who try to guilt, bully, gaslight, or manipulate you into changing your mind and accepting this situation."
"Deal with him ONLY through your lawyer." - bino0526
"You're just playing a part to them, OP. A character in this warped play of their lives. No regard for you as an actual human. You're supposed to just stay on script and do as you're told."
"And they are using this kid to manipulate you? Oh h**l no."
"Get the f**k away from these people. No wonder your husband is hot garbage; look at who raised him."
"I'm so sorry. The betrayal here is brutal. Stand up for yourself and get that divorce, you have nothing to feel bad about; you are not the sh*tty person in this play, you're the victim." - YouKnowYourCrazy
"He intentionally denied you the option to leave a cheater so he could have what he wanted without consequences. He has continued to deny you that right ever since. I hate to go here, but I question if his sister is even sick." - EldritchDreamEdCamp
"Of COURSE they expect you to just get over it. They're just in it for themselves; that's why they want the marriage to continue. You staying married to their son benefits THEM."
"They want the benefits (family unity, involvement with the grandchild, avoiding public embarrassment, pretending everything is fine, shared childcare, etc.) without the consequences falling on their son."
"They want to protect their son from consequences. When a man fathers a child through an affair, the consequences for him are significant and long-lasting. Instead of facing those consequences, some families try to shift the burden onto the betrayed spouse so their son's life remains as unchanged as possible."
"Your in-laws want reconciliation because it benefits their son, not because it is healthy or fair for you. They are trying to protect him from losing money, protect him from shame, protect him from consequences, protect the family image, and protect their own comfort."
"And they want YOU to carry the emotional, financial, and parental burden so HE doesn't have to. They expect you to raise the child, not because it's right, but because it's convenient, image-saving, emotionally easier, and beneficial to their son."
"Pure self-interest on their part. It's also easier to pressure you to stay than to hold him accountable. Holding their son accountable means admitting he cheated, admitting he lied, admitting he hurt you, admitting he brought a child home from betrayal, or admitting he caused this pain."
"It's much easier to pressure YOU than to confront HIM. The fundamental point is that any pressure for you to remain is driven by self-interest. Your continued presence benefits them, whereas your departure would cause them inconvenience." - Affectionate-Cut3631
Others reassured the OP that she was NTA for wanting to walk away.
"Ask his parents how many affair babies they raised? Once they raise an affair baby, created by their partner, then they can have an opinion. NTA." - PsychologicalYuck6269
"Let your LAST conversation with them be that there will be NO GETTING OVER IT."
"Ask the police to escort you to get the rest of your belongings, or get your big, burly male relatives to go with you." - bino0526
"Get a lawyer; get a lawyer; get a lawyer; get a lawyer; get a lawyer; get a lawyer."
"You need to get a brand new phone number that you can use with other people and let everyone send their effed up messages to your old phone number, and you can keep them for evidence for your lawyer."
"Cut them all off if you have not already. They need to be dead to you, and you need to start the grief process now." - Ok_Passage_6242
"If it were the other way around, I doubt him and his family would be forgiving. Divorce him." - lemonlimemango1
"I would look into an annulment, honestly. He lied from the start. He fathered a child and never told you. He married you under false pretenses. That would save you time, paperwork, and hopefully a dash of heartache (there's too much of that going around already)." - MyRedditUserName428
The subReddit was disgusted on the OP's behalf and encouraged her to walk away now before the heartache and disappointment could deepen even more.
Inevitably, the OP had seen this family as family, though they were now people who were willing to lie to her and sacrifice her happiness for their own. She'd seen her husband as someone who would love, honor, and protect her unconditionally, though he was only interested in his own desires.
Saddest of all, she'd likely seen a baby in front of her, who she believed was her niece and nephew, and she not only opened her heart and home up to caring for them when her sister-in-law could not, but she likely was opening herself to the idea of becoming their second adoptive mother, too.
There were too many deceptions and false promises here for the OP to unpack, and she was better off walking away before she was promised something else.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp