The crumbling of a marriage can leave lasting emotional baggage for decades to follow.
Some sins of the heart just feel difficult to get over.
This can lead to a lot of heartbreaking decisions and actions.
And of course, the ones who suffer most... the kids.
But not everyone can find a way to forgive.
Redditor Unfair-Border-3249 to discuss his experience and get some feedback, so naturally, he came to the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subreddit.
He asked:
"AITAH for doing nothing to help my son's homeless mother because she cheated on me?"
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
"I (28 M[ale]) have a 5-year-old son with my ex (27 F[emale]), and we're no longer together because she cheated on me."
"She also has a son from the last time she cheated on me, and he's 2."
"His father is no longer in the picture, and from what info she gave me, he's responsible largely for leaving the two of them homeless."
"I have custody of our son while my ex has nowhere to go."
"She sees him a couple of times a week, and after five months of homelessness, there is no sign of things improving."
"Throughout this whole thing, I have refused to engage in conversations about her situation, and I keep all discussions to our son and when she's visiting."
"She has asked me for help several times.'
"She has cried when our son was out of the room and begged me to help her and her other son and to consider working on us so we could be a family."
"I was blunt with her the one time I responded, and I told her it was never going to happen."
"My reason for being so cold with her is all about her cheating multiple times."
"I didn't know when we were together that she was cheating repeatedly."
"I found out about all the cheating at the very same time, and it's when I learned her unborn child wasn't mine."
"It even made me worry about our son, and I DNA tested him, and thankfully, he's mine."
."At the time, she felt no guilt, and she told me her other son's father was a real man and not some weak p*ssy who was happy to live a boring life."
"Turns out the real man cheated and gambled all through their relationship, and now she's homeless with the child they made together, and she wants me to pick up the pieces."
"For our son's sake, I play friendly when he's in the room, but outside of that, I want nothing to do with her and her son."
"She doesn't bring him to her visits with our son because she doesn't want him to feel bad because I won't take him under my wing."
"But she has repeatedly asked me to help them."
"I could afford to help her pay rent, and I even technically have space in my house for them to stay with me."
"But after everything she did, I don't want to."
"And I don't want her son to start looking at me as a father figure."
"I'll never be his father figure or his uncle figure or any kind of familial figure."
"And I don't want my ex getting comfortable with the idea that I'll bail her out."
"Someone who used to be a mutual friend of both of ours knows the situation and decided to speak out against my decision, saying we are forever tied because of our son, and I should help his mom and half-brother for him."
"I should want him to grow up with all of his family happy, healthy, and safe."
"There were several other things they said, but the primary focus was that I should help my ex find a way to provide a home for both children."
"I don't agree that it's my job, but I can also understand my negative feelings for my ex might be clouding my judgment, so here I am."
The OP was left to wonder:
"Well, Reddit, AITAH?"
Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed in on some options to the question, AITA:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You're The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Many Redditors declared that OP was NOT the A**hole.
"2 things stand out."
"The 'weak pu**y' comment one."
"But two, even worse: her wanting to be a family again."
"She's not looking for assistance, she's looking for permanence. NTA." ~ Life_Temperature2506
"The other major problem is that once she moves into your home, you will not be able to kick her out without getting the courts involved and providing eviction notices."
"And just imagine if you did."
"What if you put the boundary that she can’t bring men over, and she still does it?"
"Then what?"
"It’s all around a sh*tty situation, especially for her other son, but moving her into your home would absolutely ruin you long term."
"Def don’t do that." ~ Censordoll
"All of this."
"And having her in your home, whether you are in a relationship or not, will prevent you from finding someone who is actually worth your time."
"No one who is stable and sane wants to have a relationship with someone who lives with their ex."
"And if you did manage to find someone who was interested, she would sabotage it, because you having a partner would put her living situation in danger."
"Oh, and you will have to evict her to get her out. "
"She's not going to leave, or try to find other living arrangements when she has a free place to stay with you." ~ crackinmypants
"You are correct."
"Avoid this at all costs, including cutting her off completely if this continues." ~ autumn55femme
"My mother did this to my father. He actually lovingly took her back, gave her son his name, and treated him as his son."
"She turned around, cheated on him, and again was pregnant with someone else’s child and went back to the exciting bad boy."
"I’m sorry, but people‘s past treatment of you predicts their future treatment of you."
"She sees you for what you can do for her right now."
"I wish that wasn’t true because I would love for your son to have the stability of all of his family together under one roof."
"But what he does have is he lives with the stable, sane, and caring parent."
"I did not have that. I only got to see my father on weekends, so you’re doing well." ~ Suzibrooke
"NTA, she was the one to choose to leave you when she cheated."
"What does the mutual mutual friend think about the 'forever tied' in regards to that?"
"Even if you aren't moving on to find someone else, you shouldn't give that option up by being obligated to live with another woman."
"Keep in mind that she will say anything to try to get money and support from you, including the false pretence to work on your relationship."
"She's not being evil there because she's prioritising her other kid over you, but she clearly didn't respect you when she had you, and being able to con you out of your money won't stop her from screwing you over if it suits her." ~ FewAnybody2739
"F that noise."
"Not your problem."
"You keep on looking after your son, that's the only one you're responsible for."
"Yes, it's a shame for her other son, and I do pity him, but he's her responsibility, so she needs to be sorting herself out and going after his father for support."
"Not the person she treated like crap."
"I hope this mutual 'friend' is no longer considered a 'friend' of yours because that would mean they would be cut off from me."
"Know all that went down and what she did to you and pulls this?"
"Nope, not someone to have in your life."
"Why is it that the only people who 'need to be the bigger person' are the victims of the ones that screw everything up and expect those they sh*t on to play nice and bend over backwards to get themselves out of their sh*t?"
"Nope. No, no, no. NTA." ~ Mysterious_Coast9869
"You’re NTA."
"She did this to herself by lying and cheating."
"She only wants to come back because she has no place to go."
"As soon as she gets on her feet, she’ll do it again."
"She has serious issues." ~ iknowshi*aboutsh*t
"Agreed. NTA."
"You're responsible for raising your son and giving him stability."
"End of story."
"Having that woman and more involved in your life will threaten that."
"A real man takes care of his responsibilities."
"You are."
"While you can feel sorry for the state she's in, it's all down to her choices."
"Let her friends and family step up, you're just the easy target they'll all go after, and if they insist, take steps to limit your interactions." ~ Tal_Tos_72
"No. Exactly. No says it all in one word! NTA."
"The only reason she wants to make nice with OP is for his financial support."
"If she didn't need the money, she would still be calling him a boring loser."
"She is the loser."
"A lying, greedy, cheating, and manipulative user."
"If OP were to help her, she would screw him over again as soon as her financial house was in order."
"She wants to move back in and be a family!!!!"
"If he let her, it would only give her a safe haven from which to cheat on OP." ~ Intelcourier
"NTA, she needs to contact her extended family or the other son’s father’s family."
"Don’t take either of them into your home unless you want them in your life permanently." ~ BothGreen7258
"Sounds like she's got a lifetime of bad decisions behind her and no doubt, more on the way. "
"You would simply be pouring water into a leaky bucket."
"It's not your responsibility to enable her. NTA." ~ IttyBitty2697
Reddit is 1000% behind you, OP.
This is your ex-wife's issue.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp