When a marriage falls apart the fallout can be massive.
Emotional scars and trauma can linger for a lifetime.
This is especially true if the reason for the ending was infidelity.
When people cheat, they never seem to think about the consequences.
All actions have consequences.
And repairing relationships is an uphill journey.
Redditor SwingUsual6196 wanted to discuss his experience and get some feedback. So naturally, he came to visit the “Am I The A**hole” (AITA) subReddit.
He asked:
“AITA for leaving a family party early when my father’s wife wouldn’t leave me alone?”
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
“I (19 M[ale]) became estranged from my father two years ago after he was outed for having an affair.”
“The woman in question is someone he had worked with, who knew he was married, who had met my mom and me, and had seemed a little off at the time.”
“We now know it was because she liked my Dad and wanted me to like her.”
“I was disgusted with my Dad.”
“He tried denying it, then he tried to convince Mom it was a one-night stand and nothing more and he’d forever regret it.”
“Then he wanted her to stay with him and raise the baby he knocked the other woman up with since they only had me.”
“Even when he moved in with the other woman he kept trying to stop my Mom from going through with the divorce.”
“He tried to get me to talk to Mom on his behalf.”
“He told me my Mom was the one breaking up our family and not him.”
“Then when he gave up and accepted that my Mom wouldn’t take him back, which is when the other woman lost the baby, he tried to get me on board with things.”
“I ignored all calls and texts from him.”
“I couldn’t block him while still a minor.”
“But I didn’t reply and I didn’t see my Dad face to face during this.”
“I knew I wanted him out of my life for good.”
“He tried to make me see him but he failed.”
“And once I turned 18 it was over for him.”
“He ended up marrying the other woman and now they’re expecting a kid together.”
“I don’t want anything to do with any of that, including the baby, and yes even if I don’t have to see them I have zero interest in knowing that child and any future children.”
“I still see the extended family.”
“Which is why I was at a party they also attended (but weren’t technically invited to).”
“During the party, my Dad’s wife approached me and told me she wanted to talk, I said no and walked away.”
“I walked away from her again.”
“The third time she spoke before I could move and said she wanted her baby to know their brother and she wanted me to be a part of their family.”
“She wants to know me and have me for dinner and maybe I could spend some time with them.”
“She tried the whole ‘we’re family now’ crap and I left early because I did not want to deal with it.”
“I thanked the hosts who were already annoyed that she and my Dad were there (a couple of Dad’s siblings want him around still and the others don’t but to keep the peace they let them stay).”
“The two siblings of my Dad who think we should all be easier on him and forgive him were so pissed at me for leaving early because then the rest of the family turned on Dad.”
“They told me I could have spoken to the woman and not taken it out on her, since she didn’t do anything to me.”
“And leaving was an O[ver]-T[he]-T[op] reaction and not a mature one which caused ‘family disharmony.'”
The OP was left to wonder:
“AITA?”
Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed some options to the question AITA:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Many Redditors declared OP was NOT the A**hole.
“NTA…Your father created family disharmony, not you or anyone else.”
“I would not attend any events with the siblings that think things should be easier.” ~ Worth-Season3645
“If she wants a family where everyone accepts her and her baby with open arms, she probably shouldn’t have been a homewrecker.”
“She thinks everything resets to neutral once she has the ring on her finger? NTA.” ~ lyrical_llama
“NTA. Leaving was the absolute mature thing to do.”
“You left without causing a scene.”
“You have no obligations to this woman to talk to her.”
“She ruined your family as well as your dad.”
“There is no ‘we are family now’ it is a ‘your dad is no longer family to you because of her and his stupid doing.'”
“You are civil, you don’t make anyone take sides and you are still keeping it civil when they show up uninvited by just not talking to them.”
“This is a mature way.”
“But I think, some people can’t understand that you are also hurt by what your dad did.”
“That it can be okay to forgive cheating parents and also that it is okay if you can’t forgive them.”
“It is up to you and your feelings.”
“And it will absolutely not help if someone you are not willing to speak to is forcing herself into a conversation with you (as she has forced herself into your family).”
“Maybe talk to a relative, if they can be a mediator between you and those two siblings (and maybe your dad).”
“And that that relative tells those siblings something along the way ‘the OP is dealing with this stuff.'”
“‘What you are doing is driving OP further away from our side of the family.'”
“‘I’m glad that OP still talks to us and some to our parties.'”
“‘Stop trying to force him to interact with persons he doesn’t want to interact with.'”
“‘And maybe help to keep OP’s dad’s wife away from him.'”
“‘So that there is a little chance that maybe someday OP is ready to reconnect with his dad.'”
“‘But if this woman is ripping up old wounds, it will never happen.'”
“‘And you are as much to blame for that as the wife.'”
“‘It is OP’s choice how to deal with this situation.'”
“‘You are okay, with what OP’s dad did – okay.'”
“‘But show the same respect to OP and accept how he is dealing with this situation.'” ~ Trevena_Ice
“NTA. ‘Family disharmony?'”
“You know what causes family disharmony?”
“Cheating on your wife and getting your affair partner pregnant.” ~ TemptingPenguin369
“NTA. My dad’s partner tried something like this with me.”
“But my sisters and I were already in our 30s.”
“This woman tried to introduce me to my step-siblings and called herself my step-mom.”
“They probably heard my response in the next county.”
“I talk to my dad twice a year, and I’m fine with that.”
“He’s the one who wrecked the marriage, he can live with the consequences.”
“You’re an adult now, you do you and, as long as you’re okay with it, ignore your relatives who spout the whole family crap.”
“It takes more than blood to be family.” ~ Objective_Grocery525
“NTA. Even disregarding the whole messy situation, following you around at a party, and pestering you to talk to her is over-the-top behavior.”
“Continuing after being rebuffed three times certainly indicated it wasn’t going to stop and that leaving was your best option.”
“‘Family disharmony’ took place long ago and wasn’t exacerbated by you leaving.”
“I’ve left parties after being ‘stalked’ by zealots. :/ “ ~ BefuddledPolydactyls
“I might be too petty and a bit vindictive.”
“But the second they tried the ‘don’t take it out on her, she didn’t do anything to you.'”
“I would have asked both her and dad, ‘You didn’t do anything? So you weren’t of sound mind the whole affair? When greeting me and my mom before the divorce? Did he force you? Omg, Dad, I didn’t take you to be THAT kind of person.'”
“And then block everyone defending them.” ~ Dangerous-WinterElf
“Right, like clearly OP removing himself from the situation makes him the ONLY mature person at this party.”
“He didn’t want to be harassed by the woman who was so selfish that she couldn’t take no for an answer.”
“And didn’t care about blowing up a family as long as she got what she wanted.”
“So he left the party hosted by people who aren’t mature enough to say ‘No I don’t want the homewreckers at my party’ and stand by their word and convictions with guests who have no respect for his own boundaries and autonomy and keep insisting that the cheater did nothing that can’t be forgiven.” ~ Environmental_Art591
“NTA. You don’t want to associate with cheaters.”
“What’s not to get?”
“If the woman wanted to have a relationship with her partner’s older children, she should’ve gone for a widower or someone that was already divorced, before she sunk her claws into him.”
“Is it all her fault?”
“Of course not, you can’t have sex with a married man who doesn’t want to have sex with anyone but his wife.”
“But she doesn’t get to play the poor, misunderstood stepmom.” ~ Special_Lychee_6847
“NTA – She was forceful in her attempt to try and coerce you into doing what she wanted.”
“If she tried once and just stopped, it would be reasonable, but you had no idea if she would’ve stopped at the third attempt or would continue to grate at your nerves for the whole evening.” ~ No_Construction_1096
“NTA. You were being harassed by your dad’s wife and left without creating a fuss.”
“That’s the opposite of having an OTT reaction.”
“You took yourself away from the situation because you didn’t want to cause a scene.”
“They should be pissed off with her, not you.” ~ 3bag
“NTA. Block them. And leave any future parties with them in it.” ~ Shichimi88
“NTA- I bet you those two siblings knew about your Dad cheating.”
“You should ask them and the family about it.” ~ravenlyran
OP responded…
“They’d never admit it and nobody else in the family thinks they knew for sure, maybe suspected.”
“But the two that argue in favor of my Dad are just like that in general.”
“They’re all ‘but faaaaamily!!’ and they’re horrified so many of us have written off my Dad for cheating.”
“From what I know about her, she comes from the kind of family that will judge her for being the other woman.”
“They can be less harsh if things are ‘okay’ so I think there’s a lot of that involved.”
“I think a lot of it has to do with reputation.”
“I also think another part is the fact Dad fought so hard to get my Mom to stay married to him.”
“So she might be insecure and think if I end up joining their family for real, he’ll think she’s amazing and he won’t cheat on her or leave her for my Mom.”
“Not that my Mom would take him back.”
OP, you protected yourself by making a clear boundary.
You did what you had to do for your peace of mind.
And Reddit is clearly on your side.
You’re allowed to have whatever feelings you have from this trauma.
Try not to let them bother you.
Good luck.