Content Warning: Infertility, IVF Treatments, Surrogacy, Affair
While this isn’t everyone’s dream, some people dream their whole lives of becoming parents and having a family of their own.
When it’s that big of a dream for them, they’ll do practically anything they need to get it, empathized the “Am I the A**hole?” (AITAH) subReddit.
Redditor ThrowRA-3xbetrayal had been through multiple surgeries and treatments to try to become a mother and finally agreed to surrogacy with her husband by her side.
But when she later realized that her husband had become too familiar with the surrogate, the Original Poster (OP) felt her entire world shatter around her.
She asked the sub:
“AITAH for divorcing my husband and leaving him with the kid after finding out I’m not biologically the mom?”
The OP had always wanted to be a mom.
“I can’t believe my life has come to this. All I ever do is go out of my way to help others but on the few occasions I need help, nobody ever comes through for me.”
“I (36 Female) have been with my husband (35 Male) for a total of almost 10 years, married for seven.”
“We had what I thought was my child by surrogate over two years ago because after four years of trying to conceive with no success despite medical interventions, it turns out I am unable to carry a child to term.”
The OP first went through multiple medical interventions and surgeries.
“I had always wanted to be a mom. Devastated is an understatement regarding how I felt when I found out I have a medical condition that would make it nearly impossible to carry a baby to term.”
“It was even more upsetting when I had to get a major surgery to remove uterine growths with the hope to increase fertility and complications during surgery warranted a partial hysterectomy involving removal of my uterus only.”
The OP agreed with a friend to be her private surrogate.
“I still had my ovaries so we started looking into the cost of a surrogate. It is really expensive!”
“My close friend since college who’d already had two kids of her own offered to serve as the surrogate for us to cut down on costs.”
“The only paperwork that was legally drafted was for her transferring over the parental rights to us, much like an adoption in the event that there is already a mutual off-the-books agreement to adopt from someone already personally known.”
“We were trying to do it as cheaply as possible because we don’t make much money and the costs that couldn’t be avoided were sky-high enough to the point I took out loans from the bank and then picked up two part-time jobs on the side to pay toward these loans.”
“After two disappointing IVF sessions that did not result in pregnancy, she became pregnant on the third try and carried a boy to term for us. I was so happy and busy after the birth, between being a mom and returning to work after a 4-week parental leave, so I didn’t notice any warning signs.”
The OP started to notice possible warning signs at home.
“I should have noticed the red flags and warning signs early on but did not because I was so exhausted from working so much at my stressful job and two part-time jobs to cover most of the bills and anticipated medical and legal costs associated with this friend becoming our surrogate. (I was the primary breadwinner.)”
“My friend and my husband started talking more, and I would sometimes come home from my weekend job to find her already hanging out at our house when my husband was there.”
“I chalked it up as innocuous and it’s good for her to know my husband better since she was in the process of hopefully carrying our child for us. I was grateful to have someone helping us have a child.”
“I also thought it weird that our son has brown eyes when both of us have blue. Then I found out that while this is uncommon, it’s possible sometimes due to many genes controlling eye color.”
But the OP had more questions when her son’s blood type didn’t match her and her husband.
“Recently, it all came to a head when I took our son to a doctor’s appointment and they did a metabolic panel and blood tests which showed that he had a blood type that is not biologically possible to have with me as his mother. (He’s B+, I’m A+, husband is O+).”
“Immediately I started worrying it was the fertility clinic’s fault and that they’d messed up and implanted a wrong embryo.”
“I started lining up lawyer consultations to possibly sue the clinic and looked into having a DNA parentage test done.”
“The test results showed that I’m not the mother but my husband still is the father. I was heartbroken and angrier than ever, and talked to lawyers about medical malpractice in the fertility clinic we’d used.”
Then the truth came out.
“Then my husband confessed that he’d slept with my friend (our surrogate) on a few different occasions during our struggle to have her get pregnant with our embryos.”
“This means what I thought was our son conceived by IVF and carried with a surrogate, isn’t my son at all and was in fact conceived the old-fashioned way, which I can’t ever do.”
“Livid and absolutely broken at the same time doesn’t even begin to describe how I feel!”
“I have been breaking down into crying spells over and over again about this.”
“He claims he didn’t ever think pregnancy could result because he pulled out and he had always assumed that he was the reason for our earlier struggles to conceive, both before my hysterectomy and during the IVF insemination process with this friend.”
“I felt an immediate triple betrayal: from what was supposed to be my husband, my friend, and now knowing my child isn’t even really mine. I had such white-hot rage and delirium, I immediately left home and stayed at a hotel for almost a week before asking my parents to let me stay at home for a while.”
“I admit I left our son with him. I am now filing for divorce because he cheated and betrayed me in the worst possible way. I have also cut off my friendship with my ‘friend’ the ‘surrogate’ and feel afraid to trust anyone else now.”
The OP also considered cutting ties with her child.
“I have seen a divorce lawyer to see about giving up my legal rights to this kid so I don’t have to face such betrayal or owe child support.”
“I keep vacillating back and forth on this. I have grown to love him but the same time, it angers me so much looking at him and seeing the resemblance of the girl who was supposed to be my friend.”
“I mentioned before that his eyes are brown. Now that I know the truth, I keep noticing more and more resemblances.”
“I worry I will take my anger out on him. I don’t feel I am the safest person to be around him right now with everything going on.”
The people in the OP’s life had mixed feelings about what she was thinking of doing.
“My husband and ‘friend/surrogate’ admit they were wrong and keep apologizing but also called me immature and heartless to just give up on my son like that.”
“My parents also say I can’t just give up on a kid that I went through so many legal and medical hoops to have.”
“When I told them I refused to stay in a cheater marriage and I’d rather adopt someday with a better more trustworthy partner, they also told me I was wrong and that maintaining my parental rights isn’t much different than if I adopted outright.”
“They said it isn’t blood that makes a family. They are all about me divorcing my cheater husband but keep telling me I’m making a mistake giving up my parental rights.”
“Some of my other friends agree with what I’m doing. A few admitted they weren’t big enough to swallow pride and care for an ‘affair baby’ or to see daily reminders of my ‘friend/surrogate”s betrayal every time I looked at ‘her’ son.”
“I just want a clean break and a fresh start. I’m also looking at relocating several states away.”
“AITA to give up my parental rights in the divorce because a kid I paid a lot of money to have born by surrogacy isn’t biologically mine at all, but the ‘surrogate”s?”
“AITAH?”
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You’re the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some were furious on the OP’s behalf against her soon-to-be ex-husband and former friend.
“NTA, your husband and ex-mate are the AH in this situation. They caused irreparable damage and betrayal.”
“You should consider suing your ex-mate for surrogacy fraud. They both took advantage of your delicate situation.”
“It’s time for you to take back your life. You deserve to have a family with someone who will love and support you. It’s heartbreaking, but you have a chance to move on and not be stuck with a child that you might resent later on, which wouldn’t be fair to the child or you.”
“I wish you the best of luck with whatever you decide to do, and I hope things take a turn for the better for you.” – SoggySea4363
“He cheated… it’s not yours.”
“I will absolutely tell you what I tell men posting this. It would be wonderful if you love the kid enough to stay, but if you’re in shock and damaged too much to do so, you aren’t the Ahole for walking away.”
“NTA… and I’m glad to see most of the replies so far agree. I hope we keep this energy up for anyone put in this spot from now on.” – Odd_Welcome7940
“NTA. One of the things that gets me is that you were working extra jobs to pay for the surrogacy, which I am assuming included her medical bills and financially supporting her? I would speak to a solicitor about suing her for your money back.”
“She knew that if she was having sex, then there was always a chance that the child was biologically hers. And he obviously knew what HE was doing.” – chez2202
“Honestly, I thought this was gonna be a ‘the IVF wasn’t working, so he asked the surrogate if she’d be willing to have sex just to save OP the heartbreak of it not working again’ story, not him just straight having an affair and supposedly pulling out when they f**k!”
“The pulling out comment sealed the deal for me right there because if you are trying to get surrogate/friend pregnant by obviously ‘any means possible’ that you’re willing to f**k up your marriage to give your wife a baby, don’t then say, ‘well, I pulled out every time,’ because that right there just says, ‘I was f**king her for fun and you found out because I am an id**t and didn’t think about the long term consequences.'”
“NTA, OP. I would leave, too. I love both my kids to death, but I could not deal with that or put up with being treated that way.” – Complete_Expert_1285
“No, you’re NTA! You’ve suffered a terrible betrayal. Only you can say what’s best for you! Personally, I wouldn’t be able to look at the child without being hit with the betrayal again and again. Your parents and friends don’t have to actually deal with the situation. They don’t get a vote.”
“Your soon-to-be-ex is a real piece of work. You’re immature? I would want to throw up if I was in the same room with him. Please get some therapy to work through this. Don’t let these two a$$holes hold you back from living your best life.” – fe3o2y
Others reassured the OP that leaving her child was okay if it was what she needed to do.
“Give yourself time to process all this. At the moment it still sounds like you are processing this and it doesn’t help if others are trying to push you to either accept, forgive, or move on. Take your time.”
“These mixed feelings will last a long while and it’s now the best moment to give it time to reflect on these while you also figure out your options.”
“Good luck and all the best!” – 4-3-4
“You’ll likely end up resenting him, and he’ll be able to tell. You’ll also be tying yourself to your husband and possibly this ex-friend for the rest of the child’s life.”
“I genuinely think you’d be doing the child a disservice by raising him.”
“NTA, by the way.” – mostlygonemissing
“Well, obviously if you feel like the child is not safe in your care, you need to leave immediately. Remember what this child believes, that you are his mom and that he can look to you for love and protection. Because obviously, he cannot look to his father for that.”
“Please don’t take it out on the little baby. If you truly feel like you are not safe being around the baby, please leave right away.” – PaleontologistOk5449
“Just the fact that OP used the term (and username) ‘triple betrayal’ shows there are already some subconscious negative feelings towards the child in this scenario.”
“Not blaming OP for feeling this way at all, neither the child nor OP is at fault here, these kinds of feelings still happen sometimes despite our logical analysis of a situation and they should be worked out in therapy.”
“It won’t do the relationship between mom and child any favors if there’s a conscious or subconscious feeling of betrayal and resentment there.” – starletsniper
“Honestly. You gave him a good start in life with lots of love and being cherished. I’m sure he’s very close to you and loves you.”
“I’m so very sorry this happened. However, you are right to let him go. He’s a victim in this mess, but he will be okay.”
“Your ex is guilt-tripping you because his son wants you. I’m sure he took for granted everything you did for them and the household. Well, that has stopped. You need to tell your parents he will most likely shack up with her (if he isn’t already).”
“How can you have a relationship with that little boy without being in contact with him (and possibly her)? It’s too much. Don’t let anyone change your mind. If you feel guilty, maybe make a college fund for him and place money into it to give him once he graduates.”
“He may forget you, but his little soul/heart won’t. God bless you, OP. I pray God comforts you during this horrific season in your life.” – SeaworthinessFun3703
The subReddit was absolutely appalled on the OP’s behalf.
She had had her dream of becoming a mother totally shattered after surgeries, IVF, surrogacy, and countless jobs to make ends meet, and for what? For her husband to sleep with someone else, not to give her a baby, but for fun while she was in the trenches.
As hard as it might be to walk away from a toddler, the only fair thing might be to let the OP start a new life somewhere new, leaving the child in his biological parents’ care.