It's not a crime for people to like different foods and to have different favorite meals, and that's even true for people who are dating.
But a person's birthday cake and birthday dinner should absolutely be something that they enjoy, even if it's not their partner's or their family's favorite, agreed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor Clillybee had started to feel like her boyfriend wasn't really paying attention to her, as he repeatedly made mistakes that would be easily remedied by listening, like buying the correct item at the store.
But when he purchased the ingredients for a steak dinner for her birthday and said that was her whole birthday present, the Original Poster (OP)'s suspicions were confirmed, as she did not even like steak.
She asked the sub:
"Am I overreacting by being upset about my boyfriend cooking me a steak dinner for my birthday?"
The OP received a birthday dinner that she absolutely did not want.
"For my (29 Female) birthday two days ago, my boyfriend (31 Male) cooked me a steak dinner."
"I do not like steak (yes, I know, sorry to all the steak lovers; I just don't like it). I thought this was a well-known fact, seeing as I literally never eat it, have voiced it multiple times, and when we go to his favourite steakhouse, I always order the pasta."
"He said he had a surprise for me for my birthday. I came home, and he’d spent about €100 on two ‘prime’ cuts of steak."
"This was my whole birthday gift: him cooking me a steak dinner, which I do not like."
The OP's boyfriend lashed out when she did not like his "gift."
"I got visibly upset when he very excitedly showed them off, and then he got mad at me for being ungrateful."
"He went out and grilled them anyway, but I reheated my leftover curry from the night before, and we ate in separate rooms."
"It’s been two days, and not only has he not apologized to me, but he keeps telling me I’m overreacting."
"Literally all I asked for my birthday was a set of cute pajamas (I literally sent him a link!) that cost less than the bloody steaks."
The OP wasn't sure anymore if her boyfriend really understood her.
"There have been small moments where I feel he hasn’t listened (like grabbing the wrong thing at the store, forgetting to clean something up, etc.), but this is the first instance where it’s genuinely made me properly angry."
"I genuinely am considering breaking up with him over this."
"I've had differing reactions from friends and family, so I thought I would put it to Reddit."
"AIO?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NOR: Not Overreacting
- YOR: You're Overreacting
Some were certain the OP's boyfriend made his version of birthday dinner.
"So he cooked his birthday dinner for your birthday? Him reacting and getting angry too is the kicker."
"I cannot stand when people feign ignorance when they do a favor or make a nice gesture of sorts, and it’s coded with selfish intent. This wasn’t special and above and beyond in his mind."
"It was a way of pleasing both parties (making dinner as an act of love), but in particular it was to satisfy himself." - ICameHereToPlay
"He cooked himself a steak dinner, and you’re allowed to eat it too! How nice! Happy Birthday! ...NOR." - notoast4u_2
"This is along the same lines of people buying their spouse a Christmas gift that isn't really for the spouse. They buy themselves an expensive gift and then wrap it and give it to the spouse. Then THEY use the gift. Every year at Christmas time, Reddit is full of these types of stories." - katmomofeve
"This is pure manipulation. Buying someone something that isn't even on the list of things they asked for is one thing. Buying them something that you specifically like and you know they don't. That is not on the list that they specifically asked for."
"That's just selfishness with a side of rubbing it in your face. I refuse to believe this is a simple mistake." - Character-Bus4557
"I'm getting sick of this go-to accusation of, 'You're being ungrateful because the 'nice' thing I did for you was ACTUALLY for me, or I didn't pay attention to the thing you said you wanted, or I did something I would think is nice, and I'm now insulted because you have different tastes than me.'"
"It's just DARVO (Deny, Attack, Reverse Victim, Offender) with a high price tag." - velvety_chaos
"Because when you do actually mess up and think you're doing something for someone and find out they don't like it, you don't get mad at them; you think about why you thought that, explain your reasoning, and ask what they'd like instead, or even better, you just apologize for the misunderstanding."
"Being mad at someone for your mistake is defensive because you were intentionally making that mistake and you don't want them to figure that out, so you make them feel bad for questioning you." - Commercial-Bat-4534
Others reassured the OP that partners out there would honor her personality and what she liked.
"NOR. I dated someone like that. Every gift exchange was just something he wanted for himself. Not sure if it was intentional or just ignorance. Didn’t stick around to find out." - acount8675309
"NOR. Time to find a new place to live, and a new boyfriend."
"For anyone who thinks this is not breakup-worthy, this type of behavior should never stand. When we love and care about someone, we want to make them happy."
"I LOVE seafood! My husband hates it. I would never serve him a celebratory meal of seafood, because I know he would be very disappointed, even if he didn’t say anything. So, I make him the food I know he’ll love, even if it isn’t my favorite."
"If they have been together for nearly a year, and she’s told him several times she doesn’t like steak, well then, he spent 100€ to give himself a steak dinner. AND he didn’t bother to buy the one thing she DID ask him for: a pair of pajamas!"
"His entire 'celebrate my girlfriend’s birthday' plan was to treat himself... and hopefully get praised for it."
"You can’t “fix' that level of selfishness. It’s best to split now and be done with his nonsense; otherwise, OP, you’ll be back on Reddit complaining about him in the future, too." - SiroccoDream
"Do not give him another chance. So many times do women give the men the benefit of the doubt, and they get burned for years. NOR."
"And I'm sure he'll tell his friends how his ungrateful girlfriend broke up with him because he did something nice for her and she's crazy, etc."
"But don't let him doubt or second-guess yourself, because it's not about the food. It's about doing something for himself that he knew she wouldn't want and framing it as a gift for her."
"Dude's a f**king a**hole. If they don't break up, she can expect a lifetime of that bulls**t at greater and greater scales." - functional-moron
"OP is NOR."
"I dated a man who knew exactly what beach sandwich his friend liked (no mayo if going to the beach). Throughout the relationship, I mentioned several times how much I dislike turkey and that my family doesn’t even cook turkey on Thanksgiving."
"One day I was absolutely starving and feeling sick. He said, 'I got you,' and ordered me a turkey club. I actually cried."
"Thank you for posting this, because for a while, I wondered if I was overreacting." - MundaneDaffodill
"NOR. To be loved is to be known. He doesn’t give a f**k. Break up with him." - Revolutionary-Bet396
After receiving feedback, the OP shared an update in the comments.
"First of all, thank you for all of the comments and belated birthday wishes. I was overwhelmed with the number of comments, and I couldn’t reply to them all, but I did appreciate all the support!"
"For everyone who mentioned the Simpson bowling episode, I went and watched some clips and… wow. I thought I would post an update for you, as some people asked for one."
"Some people suggested I calmly try to talk to him. I didn’t go into full detail in my post, but I did try to speak to him about it a few times after the fact, but each time, he would say that I was overreacting."
"I tried one more time earlier this evening (don’t worry, I approached him as calmly as possible), but he verbatim said, 'If you’re just going to b***h at me for the steak thing, then that’s a conversation I don’t want to have.'"
"That kind of sealed the deal for me."
"He’s going out of town for the weekend for his friend’s stag (bachelor) party, so I will be packing up his stuff (leftover steak included) and bringing it to his parents’ house."
"I’ll be picking him up from the train station when he gets back, so I’ll break the news to him that he’s single when I drop him at his parents' house (as much as he doesn’t want to talk, I’m not one for breaking up over the phone or text)."
"My landlord’s husband will be coming around tomorrow after he leaves to change the locks; funnily enough, when he moved in, she told me she didn’t trust him (note to self, always listen to old Croatian ladies; their instincts are sharp)."
"The lease is only in my name, as he moved in with me, so thankfully, I don’t have to deal with that."
"For those insisting I just haven’t tried the right steak yet and I should be grateful, I can send you my ex’s number, as he’ll be officially single soon, and you guys can enjoy a nice steak dinner together."
"Thanks again, Reddit!"
Fellow Redditors were delighted by the OP's plan.
"GOOD. That dude did not care about you." - -illustrious-park-
"Good for you! I am glad you stuck up for yourself because he obviously wouldn't have." - Realistic-Smile7830
"That's an excellent plan. Hooray!"
"Your ex-boyfriend doesn't get to choose whether or not you like steak. No one gets to mandate your preferences but you!"
"Happy belated birthday!" - KindaHazy_me
The subreddit understood this had nothing to do with food and everything to do with being seen and honored on her birthday.
If her boyfriend was already putting himself first in this way on her birthday, and then blaming her for not enjoying a gift that was clearly for him, there was no telling what he'd try to blame her for in the future.
