Content Warning: Cancer, Cancer Treatment, Cancer Removal Surgery
While we might not all identify as “foodies,” we all have at least one favorite food, and many of us have that one restaurant that we’ll make pretty much any excuse to visit when we’re nearby.
But if we were to prioritize going to that restaurant over being there for a loved one during a major surgery, then clearly there’s a problem afoot, side-eyed the members of the “Am I the A**hole?” (AITAH) subReddit.
Redditor BrilliantRoof6477 married a man who liked to be the center of attention and who wasn’t great at thinking about the needs of anyone but himself. This did not change when she was diagnosed with cancer and had to go through treatments.
But when she went for cancer removal surgery, the Original Poster (OP) was shocked and hurt when her husband went to a bar for a burger and a beer instead of staying by her side.
She asked the sub:
“AITAH for not accepting a dozen roses from my husband after my surgery?”
The OP’s husband disappeared when it was time for her major surgery.Â
“I had to have a lumpectomy on one of my breasts due to cancer.”
“My husband took me to the hospital for the procedure and left to go ‘run errands.'”
“I had never had this procedure done before, and finding out I had cancer was a scary thing.”
“He said he’d be right back while they were prepping me for surgery. Once I was ready and waiting to go into surgery, the nurse asked if I wanted my husband to come sit with me until it was time to go in.”
“I said yes, but she came back and said she couldn’t find him. I sat in the room by myself for an hour, and he still didn’t show.”
“I went into surgery without any reassurance from him, no kiss on the cheek with an ‘I love you,’ or ‘everything will be okay.’ It was such a lonely feeling, and I wished that I had brought my mom with me instead.”
“The procedure was done within an hour, and I was in the recovery room. Once my anesthesia wore off, I was awake and realized my husband STILL had not returned.”
The OP became overwhelmed with the procedure and her missing husband.
“At this point, I was really getting worried. The nurse said he wasn’t answering his phone, and she seemed irritated that he wasn’t there. The nurse went on to give me post-surgery directions, which I was only half listening to because I was still kind of out of it, plus with my increasing worry of where the h**l my husband was.”
“The nurse came in after a half hour and said, -Sweetie, we are still trying to call him, but if he doesn’t get here soon, you won’t be able to leave. There is a big storm coming in, and this wing will be on lockdown until the storm passes.'”
“I could feel the tears welling up in my eyes. I just wanted to go HOME.”
When the OP’s husband returned, his peace offering was not enough.
“Ten more minutes went by, and he waltzed in with a dozen roses, like he was the most thoughtful husband ever.”
“When I asked where he was, he told me he was at the bar because he was hungry for one of their delicious burgers.”
“I told him that I had been waiting alone throughout the whole ordeal and that he should have been there for me.”
“He said he was sorry and held out the roses.”
“I told him he could take the roses and shove it, and that I was never having him come with me during a medical procedure ever again, because he SUCKED. I was getting part of my breast removed while he had a tasty burger and a beer?! What the h**?!”
“Tears streamed down my face the entire ride home.”
“AITAH for not accepting the flowers?”
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You’re the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some reassured the OP that not answering the phone or being there was AH behavior.
“NTA. Not being there for you is already bad, but not even bothering to answer his phone while he knows you’re going into surgery is beyond disrespectful.” – unsaltedbeans
“I normally wouldn’t jump straight to this, but I am today. Roses after going dark for hours during such an important time? That’s guilt, and it’s not for going out to eat a burger. You deserve better, OP.” – ___unloved___
“If something had gone wrong, he would not have been there.”
“It’s unforgivable. This would be it for me. I’d never trust him again.” – buttercupcake23
“NTA. When someone shows you how little they care about you and your well-being, trust me, you believe them, and you don’t play it off.”
“Even simple surgeries come with risk, and he full-on made excuses and left. I’ll be honest, I wouldn’t be surprised if he planned to do this from the beginning and just figured you’d be too out of it from surgery to notice, and all you’d remember is that he brought you flowers, how lovely!”
“He ignored his phone; he didn’t not hear it or anything. He purposefully IGNORED it. Because when someone you care about is in the middle of surgery and you cannot be there, you keep that phone with you on tenderhooks for updates.”
“He clearly couldn’t have cared less what happened to you; he just saw it as a couple of hours of solo leisure time.”
“Personally, I’d have had a nurse tell him when he finally came back that there had been complications and really make him feel like s**t.” – RubyKitsune
“This was one of my biggest concerns. If you are the medical contact and they need an answer for a procedure that came up, it’s important you’re close by to at least reply since time is very important in medical situations. Doesn’t happen often, but it does.”
“I was in the waiting room waiting for my wife’s surgery four hours in when something else came up, and they needed an answer ASAP. Sorry, but OP’s husband messed up badly and casually stated he had a craving for one of those yummy burgers while OP is in the OR having her life changed forever is downright disgusting.”
“I’m surprised she didn’t take the roses and smack him with them. I dislike hospitals so much, but if my wife or one of the kids goes in on Thursday and is released Monday, I would have been there the whole time. I’m sure a high percentage of others would, too, if their spouse was having a procedure done.” – 20MLSE20
Others agreed and shared positive healthcare experiences with supportive partners.
“I had a fully open abdominal surgery six months ago, and my husband was there from the second they wheeled me into the OR until I was in a room for recovery. He only left hours later because I insisted he had to go feed our cats and was back at 8:00 AM the next day.”
“He then spent the next week taking care of me at home until I was comfortable doing things myself. There’s no one else I would trust to take care of me like this.” – fourandthree
“I went to have a mole photographed, maybe a five-minute appointment, and my boyfriend took the morning off to drive me because the car park there is terrible and he didn’t want me to worry about being late while I found a parking space.”
“He sat in the waiting room with all my stuff and then looked worried when I got out because I’d been 10 minutes instead of five (they had to go and get a different camera lens). Then he took me out for lunch and drove me home before going back to work.”
“I have no intention of ever getting married, but if I did, he’d be my benchmark for a spouse.” – Beth21286
“I had spine surgery a week and a half ago. My husband was there every second he was allowed to be and has done everything he could possibly think of to take care of me since.”
“I just realized the day before yesterday that he’s actually slowing my recovery by being so helpful because I’m not pushing myself at all, just because it’s so easy to rely on him instead.” – begoniann
“My mama got her knee replaced last year, and her husband was so sweet and attentive. I mean, I was too, but it’s different from a spouse, I think.”
“He even sat in the bathroom while she showered in case she needed anything and played her love songs on his phone. (I think it was cute.)” – CenturyEggsAndRice
“I had an emergency appendectomy, which is usually a go-home-after procedure, but I couldn’t keep anything down, so I was in the hospital for three days. I had to convince my husband to leave to go home and sleep because he didn’t want me to be alone.”
“He finally did when my mom got there, and then I had to convince HER to leave because it was getting late, and I didn’t want her driving in the dark.”
“NTA, OP. I promise, there are good ones out there.” – VintaGingersnap
After receiving feedback, the OP reflected on the relationship and shared an update.
“He actually wasn’t always so self-absorbed as he used to be so fun to be with. His downfall was giving in to his addictions. He thrived on being sneaky and secretive. When he’d get caught, he got attention. Attention-seeking was his thing as well.”
“We met when we were young and dated for six years, but looking back, there were definitely signs I overlooked. I thought he would ‘grow out of’ some of his childish and selfish ways, but he didn’t.”
“Cancer wasn’t the only thing I’ve dealt with. I also had back surgery that ended up being more serious than I initially thought. My recovery took months, and my mother was the one who came and cared for me, not my husband.”
“It was obvious that he was always used to being the center of attention, and when someone else took that spotlight, for ANY reason, he was uncomfortable and awkward. Same way with birthdays or special events.”
“It was as if trying to figure out what to buy me was just too much of a burden. He’d end up waiting until the last minute and getting something that had had no thought put into it. Or he would say a day before, ‘Hey, what do you want me to get?’ I just wanted to say, ‘Never mind, I don’t care anymore.'”
It took the OP a long time to decide that enough was enough.
The roses were the tipping point.
“I never ‘accepted’ anything. It was always a thrill to him to hide things. He knew I wasn’t stupid either, but an addict’s brain works way different than a non-addict’s.”
“He was SO good at deception for quite a while. He could make anything seem believable. But once your addictions consume you, you get sloppy. You get caught ‘having a burger’ for hours.”
“For a long time, I thought I knew my husband, but he didn’t really want me to see him for who he was. He hid his dark side from me, so no, I didn’t really know him.’
“In fact, I don’t even think HE knows himself.”
“When he tried to give me the flowers and I declined them, my husband made it seem like I was the ungrateful one for not appreciating his ‘thoughtful gesture.’ While I’m going through this divorce, I thought it would be interesting to get feedback on this event in my life.”
“Divorce will be final next month. I am happy to say that I am cancer-free, and I am strong and ready to fight this last battle, as I call him my third and LAST cancerous tumor that needs to be removed from my life!”
The subReddit was alarmed by how the OP’s husband had left her side during such an important time and then tried to make her look like the selfish one for not wanting to accept the flowers.
Clearly, roses wouldn’t fix the problems this couple had, and it was time for the OP to find real support somewhere else.