Family can sometimes be intrusive.
It's just the nature of some familial relationships.
Usually, certain family issues like this are noticed and discussed before people marry into one another's tribe.
Boundaries set late can cause a lot of drama.
Redditor Justhere00000000 wanted to discuss their experience and get some feedback, so naturally, they came to the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subreddit.
They asked:
""AITA for telling my S[ister]-I[n}-L[aw] to stop coming to my house uninvited when no one is home?"
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
"My wife gave a key to our house to her sister."
"I thought this was a backup copy in case we lost a set of our keys, but several times over the last few weeks I have come home to find my SIL at my house when neither my wife nor I is home."
"She is always at my house to eat."
"She either makes a lunch with food in the fridge/pantry or helps herself to leftovers, including leftovers from eating out that were brought home."
"I didn’t like this, so I asked my wife to tell her sister to stop, but my wife wouldn’t do it."
"She said she didn’t have a problem with it."
"So I sent a text to my SIL and told her I wasn’t comfortable with her letting herself into my house and taking food without asking, and asked her not to do it anymore."
"Now my wife, her sister, her other siblings, and her parents are furious with me."
"They all say I am in the wrong and am unreasonable."
"In their opinion, the SIL isn’t doing anything wrong because none of them would have a problem with me doing the same to them."
"To me, that isn’t the issue."
"I wasn’t ok with what the SIL was doing, so I told her to stop."
"It’s my wife’s and my house, not anyone else’s."
The OP was left to wonder:
"So... AITA?"
Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed in on some options to the question, AITA:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You're The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Her
- INFO - More Information Needed
Redditors declared that OP was NOT the A-hole.
"Get a key to their houses and start making your lunches." ~ BeenThereDoneMany
"Completely clean out their pantry, their refrigerator, and their medicine cabinets."
"Then sit there in the recliner, sipping their most expensive bottle of alcohol when they rock up."
"When they walk in, give them a cheer and a 'Hey, thanks for the stuff.'" ~ vonsnootingham
"Me, immediately..."
"3 meals a day, watch their Netflix."
"Wash my clothes there with their products."
"Take some toilet paper too."
"When you touch my things, there is no high road for this Petty train to ride on."
"Cabinets open, couch blankets unfolded."
"I will bury chip crumbs in your couch if we want to escalate." ~ Particular-Talk1156
"You have a wife problem as much as a sister-in-law problem."
"Changing the locks won’t help because your wife can just give her a new one."
"NTA... and I wish you luck." ~ iloveprosecco
"NTA, but your SIL isn't the real problem."
"Your wife is."
"You have different expectations for family, and your home, and you need to get on the same page."
"Your wife isn't respecting your boundaries and thinks her family comes first." ~ ausernamebyany_other
"I would lose my sh*t if anyone did that."
"And it’d be enough for me to reevaluate the marriage."
"Change the locks."
"Get one with a digital keypad that uses a code."
"Then you can change the code if your wife gives it to her." ~ Gael4ce
"NTA, but you have a huge wife problem."
"You are being treated as if your opinion, comfort, and personal space are not important in YOUR own house."
"As if your needs are literally nonexistent."
"Remember that your wife determines how her friends and family treat you."
"She sets the bar."
"They will only go as far as she lets them."
"This is the time to sit her down because what's next?"
"Financial assistance to them without your knowledge or mutual agreement?"
"It's either therapy or decision time." ~ Plane_Practice8184
"Agreed."
"Reverse the role, your hypothetical brother is letting himself in, eating snacks, and watching the game on the couch when she comes home, would she be fine with that?"
"If not, wouldn't you tell him to hand back the key?" ~ Dem_ARK
"And maybe she would be OK with that because 'family.'"
"It's still not the point."
"OP isn't comfortable."
"OP gets a vote about what is or isn't acceptable behavior in the house that belongs to both of them." ~ Constant_Host_3212
"Take a few sneaky days off on the quiet and walk around the house naked."
"After the first time or two when she unknowingly interrupts your pants-free solitude in your house, she’ll stop coming over."
"Or dose the leftovers with laxatives." ~ If_the_shoe_fits_00
"NTA. And it is, I feel, significant that not only does your wife refuse to listen for a moment to your concerns, but she promptly rallies her family against you."
"Is this a pattern?"
"If so, it seems that your loyalty is to her, but her loyalty is still 'family first, not to you." ~ ZookeepergameWise774
"NTA... usually, giving a close relative a copy of your keys is for emergencies."
"It would never occur to me to use someone else's house as a snack stop."
"Extremely disrespectful." ~ SyruppyGoodness
"NTA, but this is not a sister-in-law problem."
"This is a problem that your marriage has some issues that your sister-in-law is bringing to light the problem."
"I'd suggest couples counseling, because apparently, you being made unhappy is less important to your wife than appeasing her family's demands to eat your food." ~ panderp
"This is wild."
"You deserve to be comfortable in your own home."
"Die on this hill because why should your SIL's comfort take precedence over your own?"
"You're not married to her, so why is she freely enjoying the resources that you pay for?"
"No way."
"This is disrespectful. NTA." ~ ooohhhanonymous
"I think you have the right to ask her to stop."
"The sister may be okay with it, but if you’re not, your wife should respect that; to me, she’s putting her sister first."
"You’re her family now; she married you."
"I would change locks and tell your wife if she disrespects you again, you’ll leave until she respects you as a husband." ~ KnownLiving8068
"NTA, but you do realize this is a wife problem, not a SIL problem, since she doesn't back you on this and finds no issues with it." ~ Rena125
"NTA- you set a boundary (I hope you did it kindly and respectfully) and that’s ok."
"It’s your house, and your wife should have heard your concerns and paid attention."
"It would have been best if she had set the boundary with her sister, and it set you up to be the bad guy when she refused to say anything." ~ OrdinarySomewhere859
"NTA, you didn't say she couldn't come over, just not without permission."
"Imagine if you were both home and having kinky fun downstairs, and then the SIL came in!"
"Also, you had leftovers in the fridge for a reason, not for her to eat."
"My sister would eat one of the desserts in the fridge while I was still living at home with my parents, but we would only have bought three, so she caused us to be one short; it's annoying to say the least." ~ Saint82scarlet
"NTA But your wife is the real problem here, not the SIL."
"You both should agree who has access to your house, with two Yesses required."
"Your wife shouldn't let her sister or any other family member in to help herself to your stuff, even if it's just some leftovers." ~ Heavy-Equipment8389
"NTA. This is why you never give spare key copies to anyone."
"As you said, the house is yours as much as it's your wife's (assuming you both bought the house together), which means that both of you should be comfortable with whatever arrangements have been made and have a say in what goes on in your household."
"Her other siblings and parents shouldn't have a say in this matter."
"If they're ok with unannounced visits, then they're free to host your SIL in their houses instead... lmao."
"It's completely fine to have boundaries in your personal safe space, especially since it seems like your SIL is often raiding your food supply without permission as well."
"Talk to your wife and maybe try to explain exactly what is making you uncomfortable."
"A better compromise would be asking your SIL to text and give you guys a heads up if she's heading over, so at least you won't feel caught off guard when you go home and see her there."
"I am curious if any reasons were mentioned as to why SIL is doing this all of a sudden."
"Does she not have a house... or food?" ~ Themis_00
"Give a key to a friend of yours and tell them to come over and eat your food right before your wife comes home so she can walk into that."
"Or get a key to the sister’s house and go over there and make yourself at home."
"See how she likes it."
"Your wife and her family are wrong on so many levels." ~ Historical-Composer2
"NAH. Sounds like your problem isn't with your SIL but with your wife."
"The conflict is that you and your wife have different feelings about her SIL's actions."
"Neither of you is right or wrong, just different opinions."
"So the two of you need to have a real discussion about the situation."
"You need to decide how strongly you feel about this issue and if the friction with your wife is worth it." ~ mm1palmer
Reddit is with you, OP.
You stood your ground.
There is nothing wrong with that.
Sadly, you and your wife may need to have a more serious conversation.
Good Luck.
