Sharing is caring! Or so we have heard from the time we are little children. But we all remember little children who didn't seem to have that chat with their parents. We probably hated those kids. They stole our toys, our food, and had no regard for our time or our preferences if they came over to play.
Redditor Noadaymore unfortunately has found these children...and they are her nephews. After spending too much time with them at dinner and realize that their eating habits were less than charitable, she drew a hard boundary with her sister.
After her sister reacted poorly, she went to the popular subReddit "Am I The A**hole?" or "AITA" to get feedback from objective strangers:
"AITA for telling my sister if she can't curb her kids selfish eating they aren't welcome to dinner at my home?"
Our original poster, or OP, told us more about the habits that were such a turn-off to her.
"My sister has two sons ages 11 and 8 and they have an issue with being, as I call it, selfish eaters. Let me explain what I mean by that."
"We have regular family dinners. Everyone takes turns. Most people serve food on the table for everyone to take."
"Well, her boys attack the food and take much more than they'll ever eat and then let it go cold OR they will eat little pieces of everything leaving it uneatable for others."
"I started to serve everyone plates of food to try and combat this but they will take food off other peoples plates."
This rude behavior has never been stopped by OP's sister.
"My sister will watch and say nothing and they just stick their tongue out if I say anything. It's worse at their own house where they will sometimes just pull the whole plates over to them and refuse to give anyone something until they've decided what they want."
"I have spoken to my sister many times. I gave her three warnings and warned her she was coming close to the limit."
"Well, I had everyone over for dinner last weekend. My older nephew ended up taking food off my daughters plate, off my fathers plate, my husbands and my younger nephew took food off everyone's plate."
After this final straw, OP drew the line.
"He was running around taking what he wanted and making a huge mess in the process. I told my sister when dinner was over that they were not going to be invited anymore."
"She called me a b*tch and said her sons deserve more, that I'm excluding them for 'petty reasons.' I told her I also wouldn't go to her house."
"That I always leave hungry anyway. She told me only an a**hole would make this big of a deal about food, that we can always just get more. AITA?"
Anonymous strangers weighed in by declaring:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA - You're The A**hole
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
- NAH - No A**holes Here
Redditors were appalled by OP's nephews' behavior and took her side.
"I don't love to correct other people's children, but if what they are doing is invading my personal space and the parent isn't speaking up, I absolutely will."
"First with a polite, 'No, that's no okay, please stop doing that.' and then with a g-d COMMAND VOICE 'NO!' and that LOOK. That 'do not make me come over there' look."
"OP is NTA, but why did her daughter, her father, her husband and her nephew just let this holy terror take food off of their plates like that?"
"And it sounds like this was not even close to the first time? USE YOUR WORDS, PEOPLE."-funchefchick
"The sister doesn't seem to want to parent the sons' eating habits at all. 'Her sons deserve more?' 'Only an a**hole would make this big of a deal about food, that we can always just get more?'"
"It's not just about the food, and staying away may be the only way to get through to them. Why would anyone want to be around these boys at mealtime anyway? NTA."-Grounded55
"NTA. Your sister is failing her kids miserably. Teaching them to eat other people's food is OK is asking for trouble."
"Ten years from now. My roommate keeps eating all the food I buy and keeps making a huge mess, WIBTA to get him evicted?"-Mera1506
"NTA. Your sister needs to teach her children better. If it was just a case of overeating, this would be a different story."
"But it seems the kinds don't even really eat all the food they take, they just have impulse and behavioral issues, and your sister is refusing to admit it."-ModaGamer
People were actually shocked at how poorly OP's nephews behaved:
"Your frustration is completely understandable. It's also a bad lesson for your own children. Not just that they might act that way, but that you have to be a doormat and let others treat you poorly."
"I want to set an example of polite but firm self-respect to my kids. Like no I don't just keep serving people while they rob me and treat me like carp."
"Also, your kids need to feel you care about their feelings and stand up for them."
"I'd be okay with having the badly behaved nephews over if we could deal with their behavior, but if sister is going to object to you doing anything about it every time it's probably just easier they aren't there."
"That said, I never would have allowed them to take anything of my family or my's plate. I would have firmly told them, taken it back, etc."
"And if they kept it going I'd tell them I wasn't going to give them anything until they could behave/that they'd have to eat elsewhere if they were acting that way at the table."
"But if your sister's just going to fight this, it will cause more drama it sounds like."-TheHatOnTheCat
"NTA. This behavior is unacceptable and it's not about whether there's "enough" food to go around or not, it's about your sister's refusal to teach and enforce BFM (basic fucking manners) as a parent."
"I've phased out, limited time spent, or straight ghosted parent friends whose kids were unbearable to be around because of their poor parenting."
"Since this is family, cutting them out isn't an option. You addressed the problem directly and gave her plenty of time to attempt to correct the behavior. She refused. You held your ground. Good job."-Abba_Zaba_
"NTA. A smart man once said something like: 'Don't allow your children to do something that makes other people hate them.'"
"The family got uninvited because the children are acting terribly and mommy encourages it, or at lest doesn't feel the need to correct it."
"Op isn't an a** for no longer putting up with it. If i had to deal with this behaviour when invited to eat with OPs family i would ALWAYS have a VERY urgent dentist's appointment (even fridays around 2000h) to avoid having to go."
"I literally got into a fistfight with someone who messed with my food when i was hungry. I'm sure the other guests are miffed about having their food stolen as well."
"Tell her to look into a mirror if she wants to know the reason for being banned."-StoicDonkey
"NTA. You tried to intervene and you tried to communicate, and in the end, not having dinner with your sister's kids anymore is really your only option."
"And she's in complete denial and way off base. It's not about the food, it's about how these boys are making everyone else feel when they act this way."
"She's also lazy AF, because all she would have to do is take their plates away and send them away from the table without eating. They'd learn REAL fast if that became the policy."-PM_T*TS_OR_DONT
And most questioned OP's sister's parenting skills:
"NTA. My grandma used to do this until 6 year old me stabbed her in the hand with my fork. When she freaked out at me I got confused, how was I supposed to know a hand would suddenly appear between the fork and the food?"
"Anyway, I was tempted to call you the a**hole for even giving warnings, they are literally taking the food of your kids plate."
"You should have put a stop to that the first time. It's extremely stressful for a child to not know if they will get to eat enough and to have their whole family act as if others deserve to be fed more than them."-theamazinglula
"Absolutely NTA! You gave your warnings. You've dealt with that shitty behavior prior to warnings. You are absolutely not the a**hole here!"
"I'd be horrified to see how her kids react to an all-you-can-eat buffet out in public! Allowing kids to behave like that without consequence is honestly setting them up for some extreme behavioral problems in the future, much like a kid I know."
"To put it shortly: this kid was 5 and was allowed to smack stranger women's butts (yes it happened to me while the mom watched!), actually hit, kick, and bite his mom/other people, and literally drag their dog around by the collar all without consequences/discipline!"
"But then the mom had the audacity to turn around and tell her friends 'I don't know why he's like this, he won't listen to me.' This is because she's let him do this since he was 3."
"My point is: the way your sister allows her kids to steal food off of other's plates/food from the table while she just sets and watches is pretty much setting them up for becoming very territorial over food when they get older."
"Hopefully they'll grow out of that, but only time will tell. Anyways, you're not the a**hole!"-ThePaganRavenGoddess
"Lol NTA and you have better control than I do. The first time a little hand reached for my plate, I would've grabbed it and told them to keep to themselves."
"Your sister needs to parent her children before they mess with someone who won't tolerate it."
"Example: I know someone who's only meal was school lunch (poor and abusive household) and some guy decided to touch his food. The guy may or may not have left school with a broken nose."-Nausicaalotus
"NTA so hard. Does your sister expect them to do this as adults? How old is too old to behave this way in her opinion?"
"My opinion is like maybe 3yo, max. Her 11yo--NEARLY A MIDDLE SCHOOLER-- is scampering around the dining room grabbing bits of food off of people's plates?"
"And thinking it's okay? And feeling so justified in his actions that he sticks his tongue out at OP when he's called out?"
"OP is concerned not only for their children and other guests, they're concerned for THE NEPHEWS or else they'd have banned them a long time ago."
"OP, you need to keep being honest with your sister about what's going to happen to her kids as they grow."
"This behavior is indicative of such deep impulse control and social awareness issues I could scream. They all need help, stat."-JenniferHChrist
The act of going around and stealing from other people's plates is poor manners at the best of times, but if the behavior doesn't stop, it's a recipe for a cancelled dinner.
OP and her sister have a lot to work through.
We wish them the best in doing so.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp