There are some people in the world who have this need to have the spotlight on them one-hundred percent of the time.
And it does not matter to them what it takes to put them there, cringed the members of the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITAH) subReddit.
Redditor BisexualMessy went through a terrible breakup right before her sister's wedding and wanted to do something small to make herself feel better, which her sister refused.
But when it finally came time for her wedding, the Original Poster (OP) noticed that her sister had no problem whatsoever with the idea of commandeering her wedding to announce her pregnancy.
She asked the sub:
"AITAH for refusing to do something special on my wedding day for my sister because she refused to do something for me at hers?"
The OP asked her sister at her wedding to take a picture with her bouquet.
"I (30 Female) am getting married this Sunday, and my sister Jessica (28 Female) got married two years ago."
"A couple of weeks before her wedding, my ex left me for another woman, and it was devastating because I thought that he was going to propose soon."
"At my sister's wedding, I asked her if she could throw the bouquet to me to wish me luck, but she refused and said that she didn't wanna damage it. I asked her to lend it to me for a couple of pics instead, and she refused that, too."
"I said nothing more, and I didn't bring it up again until now."
But for the OP's wedding, her sister had no problem taking over.
"Now, my sister is pregnant and wants to announce it at my wedding."
"She asked, and I said absolutely not. When she asked why, I told her that 1. The wedding is for my fiancé and I, and 2. She didn't do what I asked her to do at her wedding, so why would I do what she asks in mine?"
"She's p**sed and says that I'm being ridiculous. Our mother says that I'm being childish."
"Tomorrow is the wedding, and my sister is currently not talking to me, and neither is my mother. I cannot uninvite them, but I'm very concerned."
"AITAH?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You're the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some reassured the OP that she didn't have to host a pregnancy announcement.
"NTA. I don't understand why this has become such a thing. I see so many Reddit posts about people taking over other people's special days with proposals and pregnancy announcements."
"Please, for the love of God, people, stop doing this! It's OK to not be the center of attention all the time and to let people have their moments. We all need some sunshine." - Staugbeachbunny
"I don't get why people wanna hijack big days like announcing pregnancies at weddings, etc. Let you and your fiancé have your special day."
"No doubt your sister will say it or announce it in some way. It's best you get it out at the rehearsal dinner. That way, you won't spend your wedding day waiting for the bomb to drop." - No-BSing-Here
"NTA, but she's going to announce it anyway." - DazzlingPotion
"NTA. Don't even make a big deal out of it. Bring it up to people like everyone knows, 'Oh yeah, ever since the pregnancy, Jessica's been GLOWING.' The trick is to ONLY say positive things about your sister and her pregnancy, and do it in front of the gossipyest people possible." - Penguins_in_new_york
"NTA for not wanting a pregnancy announcement at your wedding, but I guarantee she's going to make one." - SmoochNo
Others were concerned that the sister and mom would mess up the OP's wedding.
"You can absolutely guarantee she or your mother will announce it at your wedding anyway." - Quiet-Hamster6509
"Drop a note to the emcee or the DJ to mute the mic if sister or mom wants to start talking about the pregnancy." - PoetPuzzleheaded5484
"Instead of announcing it yourself at the rehearsal dinner (which, admittedly, is deliciously aggressive), you could instead be deliciously passive-aggressive: stand up at your rehearsal dinner (or take the opportunity during some other speechifying moment) and say, 'And now, my sister has some blessed news that she wants to share with the group,' and hand her the mic."
"You'll look sweet for giving her 'her moment,' while simultaneously and deviously undermining her ability to take that moment herself later, at your wedding." - QuickConverse730
"OP, it's time to let the news slip while talking with your most gossipy family member. Prevention is better than a cure in this case."
"Most importantly, this is a job for the Maid/Matron of honor and/or Bridesmaids! The Bride should have no direct involvement in letting the secret out, if nothing else than for plausible deniability."
"Now, if a Bridesmaid were to call a gossipy aunty to double check something with their RSVP and another Bridesmaid just so happens to loudly say in the background of the call that they arranged for the sister's alcohol to be replaced with apple juice because of the baby... and gossipy aunty happened to overhear it..."
"Of course, the bride had to tell her team about the pregnancy because they needed to be prepared to stop her sister from forcing the issue and trying to make an announcement the day of. I mean, why would the bride go to all of the trouble of speaking with the DJ/emcee and the bridal party to make these plans if she was just going to leak the news early anyway? That'd be crazy, lol!" - MindOverMuses
With the wedding the very next day, it didn't take long for the OP to share an update.
"Hi everyone, just here to give you an update."
"First of all, thank you so much for all the advice and support. I wanted to clarify a couple of things: I wanted a photo with the bouquet for myself; my ex wouldn't have seen it anyway, as I go strictly no contact after breakups. Some people were also concerned that I expected her photographer to take pictures of me for free. That wasn't the case. Her wedding was very low-cost, and I was actually the photographer, so I just meant I wanted to take a selfie."
"Now for the update. I had a talk with my mother and sister beforehand and clearly told them that if either of them announced the pregnancy or made it obvious in any way, I would go no contact with them for good. They either didn't believe me or didn't care."
"My wedding was also low-cost. On my side, the only family attending were my mom, stepdad, uncle, sister, and brother-in-law. My now-husband only had his mother there. The rest of the guests were five friends we both invited. There were no speeches or anything formal planned."
"The ceremony went smoothly, and we moved to the reception area. As soon as we sat down, my sister said she had something to share. I looked at her and said, 'No, you don't.' It was awkward, since most people there had no idea what was going on."
"In my country, wedding gifts are usually given after the cake. Well, MY MOTHER handed my sister her gift and said, 'The new mom also deserves some recognition.'"
"That was it for me. My sister started crying happy tears and even had the audacity to try to hug me. I stepped aside and told both of them that the celebration was over, for them."
"They left, because my stepdad and brother-in-law finally realized I wasn't joking."
"I haven't responded to any of their calls or messages. I'm done."
Some were disgusted that the family just wanted to steal the OP's moment.
"NTA. They asked, you said no, and that should have been the end of it, but they were h**l-bent on announcing it and stealing your day. They could have announced it the day before, the day after, but no, they went against your expressed wishes and just had to announce it during your wedding celebrations."
"They think that the world is their stage and they deserve the spotlight to be on them at all times, and can't imagine other people being actually real and having their own lives that exist outside of their scripted universe."
"You are right to drop the rope and move on without them." - ForwardPlenty
"They made it clear they saw her wedding as just another stage for their own moment. OP gave a clear boundary they chose to ignore it. Actions, meet consequences."
"And while I'm here, it was a weird stage to choose. It sounds like it was literally people who already knew (OP, SIL, BIL, mom, stepdad, an uncle, and OP's new husband) and people not directly connected to SIL (five of OP's and her husband's friends, husband's mom, and OP's officiant)."
"What's even the point? Does BIL's family not get to be part of the announcement? How are they going to explain to the theoretical new grandparents on the other side that OP's new MIL was at the announcement, but they were not?"
"I don't understand how any of them thought this was a viable idea in the first place, let alone after OP said no." - DragonCelt25
"Hijacking OP's moment was the whole point for sis and mom. All that was necessary was a phone call to people she probably talked to a dozen times before the wedding, and still, it was their choice to get positive karma from a setting with a roomful of people."
"In hindsight, OP should have spoiled the announcement a week before the wedding. It wouldn't have been more socially unacceptable than what her mother and sister did." - RandoCollision
"This was never about making the announcement. It was about stealing the limelight. It's so tacky to even ask to make someone else's day about you. If you want to make a big announcement, organise your own day." - The_Wee-Donkey
"The point was not to make the announcement. The point was to put OP in her place and remind her who the Golden Child is and always will be. To tell OP that she does not get any special day all to herself, that Sister's special happy day will always come first and foremost. The entire point was to boundary-stomp and establish dominance." - Opinion8Her
Others agreed and urged her to maintain no contact with them.
"Some people absolutely cannot stand not being the center of attention. They will do anything to steal attention in all cases. These people are toxic, and the sooner you cut them out of your life, the happier you will be." - National_Cod9546
"Now breathe. Don't respond. Don't engage. NTA again." - Fit-Bumblebee-6420
"Well, look at it this way... THEY made the decision to go no contact, so you don't have to think about them again." - Annual_Version_6250
"Good for you. Some lines you just don't cross, and they stomped all over yours. I probably would've done the same thing."
"Family or not, that level of disrespect is unacceptable. You gave them a clear warning, and they chose to ignore it. Now they have to live with the consequences."
"NTA." - era_hickle
"Ooo wow, the level of disrespect. I bet the sister is the golden child, and the mother is an entitled Karen. Do not let them back into your life, because every future milestone, yours and your children's, will be stolen."
"And do not let them manipulate you with the sister's child, saying he/she is innocent, deserves an aunt, or any of that bulls**t. If you do, they'll suck you back in, and you'll be stuck in the same loop."
"Good luck! I hope you're having your honeymoon soon." - vesoljka
The subReddit was appalled by how the OP had been treated by her own family, and they were glad that she was taking advantage of the new gift of peace.
Weddings and pregnancies are all happy occasions, but it's okay for them to each have their own special moment in the spotlight, not have one step all over the toes of another.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp